Now I hope you're not going to go all judgemental on me after having read that. I'm doing enough of it myself, believe me. I think I've discovered a well of catholic guilt I never knew I had. You know what it's like when something's happened that you just can't stop thinking about. Every few minutes - bang! - it pops back into your head: "I did that last night." And when it happens I get a kind of skip in my heart, like I've been stabbed. I try to blank it, ignore it, stop it from happening, but I can't. It's there, gnawing at me the whole time.

I did that last night.

I did that last night.

I'm appalled at what I've done. Truly shocked that I would go that far. I feel sickened, even humiliated when I think about it. But there's much worse than that.

I think I would do it again tonight, if the opportunity arose.

Tess is getting on my nerves this morning. I can't really concentrate on anything. I just want to sit quietly and let my brain churn its way through my thoughts and turn them into sense. I feel like a computer being defragged, having all the shit in my memory sorted out and turned into a logical order. And just like your computer can't concentrate on anything else when it's defragging, I don't want to be bothered with trivial conversation.

"Walkabout on Friday?"

"Um, prob."

"Your loverboy going to be there?"

"Dunno, haven't spoken to him."

"Not saying much today."

"No."

"Something on your mind?"

"Could say that."

"Tell me all about it. A trouble shared..."

"Is a trouble broadcasted..." There was silence. "Sorry, didn't mean to be rude. Just got a bit of thinking to do."

I don't like offending her, but at least she's off my back. Oh fuck, here comes Terry. Lord save me from halfwits and shitehawks.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. 'Pint of bitter please, and one for the road.' Sorry, that was Rod's joke for the day. :-(

Email just come in from str8guy.

From: str8guy [str8guy@frea.cc]
Reply-To: str8guy@frea.cc
To: molly.hadley@chasemccabe.co.uk
Subject: Today's challenge
Date: Tue 05/04/04 08:19 AM

Your pollycam isn't on, Molly Wolly. I'm getting
withdrawal symptoms. What's wrong? Only willing
to flash when your new boyfriend is watching?

Go to the toilets now. Remove your panties, insert
your duotone balls so that one is inside you and the
other hanging outside. Then come back and show
me on the pollycam.

all my love str8guy

Well, of course that's the very reason why I haven't logged on to chatmate this morning. I knew this was coming. He's going to have me wander round the fucking office all day with those balls inside me, driving me nuts, threatening to spill out in front of everyone. I've been delaying it as long as I can.

But jesus, what a loser he is. Here he is, blackmailing me into doing whatever he wants, and he's getting jealous over some geek from Sheffield. And let's remember, that's a situation which he helped engineer in the first place, with his email list of provisions. Honestly! Hmm, but mention of Sheffield makes me think, though. Think I'll just check my private webmail.

Aha, thought there might be.

From: simon89346@yahoo.co.uk [simon89346@yahoo.co.uk]
Reply-To: simon89346@yahoo.co.uk
To: mollyhadley@emailaccount.com
Subject: Thank u
Date: Mon 05/04/04 01:24 AM

Hello Molly. Just wanted to say thank u for tonite. I think u are
an amazing person - beatiful, funny, clever. And very sexy. I
don't like the things that guy says about you. Don't bileve him.

Hope you are well and hope u don't mind me writing to u.
I realy do think u are a fantastic woman.

all the best

Simon

So, his name's Simon. Bless! What a little sweetie.

Okay, first I've got to get this cam on. I'm not doing it after I've put these balls in. With my arse in the air and my head down in the depths of the desk, they'd be sure to fall out with a massive clunk. Try explaining that to Tess...

"That your pen made a break for it again?"

She's a sarky cow. "Yup, got it coralled in the penholder again now, though."

And now I'm off to the bogs.

Tuesday 4th May 2004, afternoon

Oh my god, these balls are awful. Well, in the right circumstances I guess they're fantastic, but not when they're rattling inside and outside you doing all sorts of stuff while you're trying to walk about the office. Actually, the sensations aren't that intense, but it's the feeling that they're about to fall out which is the worst bit.

[molly has entered]

[str8guy] Finally

[molly] Morning

[str8guy] Finally decided to come and see me, then.

[molly] all present and correct.

[str8guy] Cam on

[molly] hang on, give me a chance

[molly] there

[str8guy] There

[str8guy] So your balls are in?

[molly] yep, you can see the second one hanging loose.

[str8guy] And how do they feel?

[molly] precarious

[str8guy] Precarious?

[molly] yep, like the other one's gonna pop out and they're gonna fall on the floor any second

[str8guy] Let's hope the don't. Let's hope you have strong muscles.

[molly] why one in and one out anyway?

[str8guy] it increases the sensations. The external one clashes against your sensitive areas and the internal ball rotates and hits the external one more easily when it's not inside you.

[molly] glad i asked...

[str8guy] Go over to the filing cabinet and pull out a file. Any one, doesn't matter.

[str8guy] ...

[str8guy] ...

[str8guy] And?

[molly] excruciating.

[str8guy] Describe it

[molly] they're weighted, so they're clunking about. when i move i can feel them moving about. they kind of slide about, especially the dangling one

[str8guy] And what does it do to you?

[molly] it starts to send shivering sensations up my vagina.

[str8guy] Nice?

[molly] not in the current situation, no.

[str8guy] Why not?

[molly] bcos i'm at work, m8.

[molly] firstly i dont really want to be in sexual ecstaacy as i walk around the office

[molly] and secondly the bloody things are going to fall out

[str8guy] Ha! Splendid! Go to the kitchen and make a coffee for you and Tess.

[str8guy] On the way ask Terry if he wants one. And Jack. And anyone else you meet.

[str8guy] Be careful when you bend down for the fridge...

[molly] u r a bastard, aren't you?

[str8guy] And you love me for it, Molly.

[molly] in much the same way as i love toothache

[str8guy] Don't be impertinent, dear. Remember who decides when you can remove those balls.

[str8guy] Off you go now

[molly] yes sir

[str8guy] Pretty Molly, so headstrong. She can't resist trying to get the last word.

[str8guy] ...

[str8guy] ...

[str8guy] You've been a while

[molly] i'm not headstrong at all, just say wahat i think.

[molly] been making drinks for the world and his auntie.

[molly] and walking very carefully

[str8guy] LOL And how do you feel?

[molly] hell. it's a slow burner, i tell you. the sensations are quite low level, but so insistent.

[molly] and the effort of keeping them in place is really tough. my muscles are aching.

[molly] i'll tell you wot it feels like = this isn't very sexy but i dont care

[molly] u know when you've got the runs, and there's that moment when you feel your world is about to disappear out your arse, the bit just before it actually happens...

[molly] thats what it feels like.

[str8guy] Very graphically put, Molly.

[str8guy] So it's uncomfortable, I can deduce from that?

[molly] well done hercule

[str8guy] Insolence again. You never learn do you?

[str8guy] Go out to Appetites and buy a cheese scone to go with your coffee.

[molly] please no

[str8guy] Please yes.

[molly] i wont be able to hold them in that far

[str8guy] Well try to drop them when no-one's watching then. That'll be less embarrassin for you.

[molly] thank u for your sympathetic approach.

[str8guy] Sympathy? I think you're mistaking me for your new boyfriend.

[str8guy] sheffield, your knight in shining armour.

[str8guy] coming to your defence last night.

[str8guy] Sticking up for the fair Molly

[molly] jealous of him, r u?

[str8guy] Hardly

[molly] sounds like it to me m8

[str8guy] Now why would I be jealous?

[str8guy] hmm?

[str8guy] Perhaps it's not my jealousy, but your guilt being demonstrated here

[str8guy] Transference, I think it's called.

[str8guy] Perhaps you've taken a bit of a shine to Sheffield

[molly] absolute crap. i only met him for ten minutes, while he served me in a sex shop

[str8guy] And then proceeded to perform for him live on the internet

[molly] as i recall it was u that engineered that

[str8guy] As I recall it was your arse the dildo was in

[str8guy] ...

[molly] don't know what your problem is

[molly] you're just talking bollocks m8. i'll never see him again, and i couldn't care less

[str8guy] Hmm. I see.

[str8guy] However, enough of that.

[str8guy] Molly, go to Appetites. Now. Otherwise you'll be wearing those balls till bedtime.

[molly] :-p