The phone is switched off. So's my brain, so's my heart.

I may have felt nothing yesterday, but it's all sunk in today, believe me. I feel awful. The hangover doesn't help, but I keep thinking about what I've done. I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. I'll never do it again.

I called Tess a few minutes ago. She wasn't happy. Tried to phone me twice yesterday, but I wasn't answering. Hmm, I never got round to checking the numbers of people who were phoning me, I just assumed they were all punters. Anyway, she calmed down when she started too tell me about Friday night's conquest. No need to shave his pubes apparently, they were already shaved... Men today, bunch of narcissists... Well, she had a good time, apparently, and got home about four in the morning, throbbing and wide-legged.

Bless her, she cheered me up,

I wrote to Simon earlier. After getting the cold-shoulder email from Miliza I felt guilty about ignoring his email to me a few days ago. He'd be waiting for a reply and getting more despondent each time it didn't arrive. So I felt he deserved something better.

From: mollyhadley@emailaccount.com
Reply-To: mollyhadley@emailaccount.com
To: simon89346@yahoo.co.uk [simon89346@yahoo.co.uk]
Subject: Hello again
Date: Wed 05/23/04 19:43 PM

Hi Simon

Nice to hear from you again. Sorry to be a while getting back to
you, been a bit busy. No, I don't mind you saying 'love'. It's kinda
nice, really.

I don't know if we'll meet up again. I'm in the middle of something
at the moment - I think you probably realised that, with str8guy. Things
are coming to a head and it'll all end soon, one way or another. Who
knows, maybe we could meet up again after that.

Not making any promises or plans, Simon, but I did like you. And you
were pretty hot in bed, too, by the way. :-)

I don't know. We'll see how things work out. For now, thanks for keeping
in touch.

love

Molly

I've just watched myself having sex last night. It's not very good - the cam was too far away and at the wrong angle. All you can see is his arse bobbing up and down and my legs waggling in the air. But it's fascinating to watch. I watched the film of Jonathan, too, and tried to see if there was any difference.

There was.

It's the variety, the imagination, the invention, the joy. Last night was mechanical. Jonathan was fun. Last night was business.

I want some fun.

I'm going to go into chatmate. Relive old times. Innocent times.

Later

Well, what can you say. I went into chatmate as medusa and surfed around the rooms for a while. None of my old friends were around, but I chatted with a few folks. After a while, I got chatting with a guy from Edinburgh called bo'selecta. He seemed fun and we had a good chat for half an hour or so.

[bo'selecta] d'you have a cam?

[medusa] yes, but not on just now

[medusa] do you?

[bo'selecta] broken. cannae get it to work properly.

[bo'selecta] can see myself on it, but it doesnt broadbcast.

[bo'selecta] would love to see you on cam tho

[bo'selecta] u sound gorgeous

[medusa] sounds can be deceptive

[bo'selecta] lol, I'm sure they're no

[bo'selecta] would you [medusa] oh okay, but only in private. im not going public. it gets you into trouble.

[bo'selecta] lol i bet. lots of guys here. they go mad when a new girl comes on.

[medusa] okay, cam is on. password is medusa

[bo'selecta] ok brb

[bo'selecta] hey - you really r beautiful

[bo'selecta] gorgeous

[bo'selecta] stunning

[medusa] okay okay. dont overdo it...lol

[bo'selecta] lol

[bo'selecta] but u are, u know

We chatted for a few more minutes, and he was really funny. He started getting a bit risque, but that's an occupational hazard in a place like chatmate. I didn't mind.

[bo'selecta] would u mind if i said you'd got me hard

[medusa] no

[bo'selecta] bcos u have

[medusa] have i? that's nice :-)

[bo'selecta] you have.

[bo'selecta] :-)

[bo'selecta] i'd really quite like to stroke it, if thats ok

[bo'selecta] i wont if you say, tho

[bo'selecta] don't want to offend

[medusa] no, it's okay. you can stroke it

[medusa] i don't mind

[medusa] maybe u could describe it for me

[bo'selecta] oh it's massive of course

[bo'selecta] lol

[medusa] yeah yeah, nine inches i bet

[bo'selecta] ten

[bo'selecta] and that's when it's soft

[bo'selecta] u should see it hard

[bo'selecta] like it is now

[medusa] hmm big boy... *G*

[bo'selecta] medusa, could i ask u something

[medusa] go ahead

[bo'selecta] say no if u want i won't mind

[bo'selecta] but would you take yur top off

[bo'selecta] i'm sorry i shouldn't of asked

[medusa] no it's okay. i'm thinking

[bo'selecta] of god, ur beautiful.

[bo'selecta] thank u

[bo'selecta] i really am stroking myself now

[bo'selecta] and i'm really, really hard

[bo'selecta] you have such soft looking skin

[bo'selecta] i'd love to kiss it, stroke it, touch it, feel it next to me

[bo'selecta] u are gorgeous

[bo'selecta] medusa, would you mind, could you take your bra off too?

[bo'selecta] i'd love to see

[bo'selecta] oh thank u. God they're fantastic

[bo'selecta] rally really fantastic

[bo'selecta] i'd like to scoope them up, kiss those nipples,

[bo'selecta] suck them, make them hard

[bo'selecta] they'r so beautiful molly

[bo'selecta] so soft and small and perfect

[bo'selecta] squeeze them

[bo'selecta] i'm so hard

[medusa] what did you call me?

[bo'selecta] what?

[medusa] what did u call me?

[medusa] how do you know

[medusa] you BASTARD. it's you inst it?

[medusa] bastard

[bo'selecta] lol, hello molly. bo'selecta is my jock persona. D'you like him?

[bo'selecta] Clearly you do...

[bo'selecta] Tell you what Molly, it took far less time to talk you out of your clothes today than it did a few weeks ago

[bo'selecta] your standards are slipping my dear.

[medusa] bastard. fucking bastard.

I will kill him. I will kill him. I will kill him.

Why am I so stupid? Why do I never learn? Jesus, fell for the same fucking thing again. Same man, same trick. How stupid can anyone be?