I'm in the strangest mood. I can't explain. I think I'm demob happy. It's like this is all coming to an end, and I can feel it. I'm sort of elated, sort of worried, sort of downhearted, all at once. I want all of this to be over, but it's going to feel strange when it is. It's consumed my life for the last two months.

Of course, I'm possibly being naive when I say it's nearly over. str8guy said it would end on 31st May, and if I hadn't discovered who he was by then he would tell me. But he's told me lots of things, hasn't he? Who's to say he won't try to carry on blackmailing me? From his point of view, why should he spoil a good thing?

But no, it just feels like it's ending. It feels like his grip on me isn't what it was. The visit of Madame Juliette was the beginning of the end. It took all of this into the open, made me look at it more objectively.

The thing is, he might need me, but I don't need him.

Tess is in a strange mood, too. We were going to Walkabout tonight, but she's called off. I wonder if she has a rendezvous with her lover-boy from last weekend...

Rod came by a few minutes ago. There must be something in the air. I laughed at one of his jokes 3;

A lorry driver picks up a hitchhiker who climbs into the cab and gives a start when he sees a real monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

"I'll show you," says the driver, and, without taking his eyes off the road, hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dashboard. Dazed, the monkey shakes its head and scampers towards the driver. It goes down between his legs, unzips his trousers, pulls out his prick and proceeds to give him a noisy blowjob. When it's finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"Wow," says the hitcher.

The trucker leers at him. "You wanna try it?"

The hitcher thinks for a moment. "Okay, but don't hit me as hard as you hit the fucking monkey!"

Okay, so it made me laugh 3;

It's odd. Until now, I've felt a little strange when Rod has turned up, because he is one of the main suspects for str8guy. And now, of course, it's down to just him or McCabe. But I didn't get any lurches in my stomach when he turned up just now.

I'm not frightened any more.

I think I've got the measure of str8guy. I realised it last night, when I was out with Nigel. Where I've gone wrong is to confuse the process and the engineer. I've personalised all of this too much. And that has really confused me. I don't like str8guy - he's dishonest and dishonourable - and that has affected my view of the challenge. It's hard, but let me try to explain.

What I've really struggled with all the way through is that I have enjoyed many of the challenges. Some have gone too far, sure, but on the whole it's been quite stimulating. And yet there's always been this feeling of sordidness, of foul compulsion. I now see that this is down to str8guy, not the nature of the challenge. The challenges don't bother me, str8guy does. I can do whatever he asks, but I can never like him.

What I'm saying is that I've outgrown him.

Later

Hey, tell you what, I'm quite excited. I think I'm going to do it. I THINK I'M GOING TO DO IT!

I've seen Rod today - he came over and chatted as usual. But McCabe has been in his office all day. I haven't seen him, he hasn't seen me. If I can chat to str8guy later and ask about something I was wearing, I'll find out who he is. If he knows, it's Rod. If he doesn't, it's McCabe. I've got him!!

:-)

Bacardi Breezer coming right up. This is a night of celebration....

Later

Bastard. It's 9.30pm now and he hasn't showed. He's not going to turn up, is he? The one night I could trap him, and he doesn't turn up. I can't believe he knows, I think he's just lucky.

But I'm not downhearted. I've been chatting in Freezone while I've been waiting and it's been a hoot. I've been stringing the guys along, telling them I'm naked (which I am) and I've got my toys out (which I have) and I'll put my cam on for anyone who turns me on enough (which I will, but only if he turns his on too. Don't want another str8guy episode, do we?)

Later

10.30. Well, he's not going to show. I'll have to wait till Monday now - the last day. Typical Molly - leave things to the last minute...

I'm actually feeling a bit horny now. Been watching these naked male cams and teasing the guys for an hour or more. There's been about five guys hitting on me, and I'm going to choose one to go private with. Eenie, meenie, minie, mo...