I'm depressed. This is getting to me now. I can't get my shortlist down. It's been stuck on five suspects since last Friday. And each day I fail to find him I have to do something else to abase myself for him. The challenges are getting increasingly difficult. I don't know how much more I can take. I mean, contacting a prostitute! What the fuck am I becoming? A month ago - let's be honest, even a week ago - I would never have believed in a million years that I would do something like that. I don't understand how he does it, how he keeps upping the ante like that, so I get sucked into it all. I hate him.

Tess knows something's up. She has a nose for drama. And, of course, I wasn't in yesterday and can't give a plausible excuse for my absence. Blaming it on my period works for the guys, but she knows I've just had it. She's being really sweet, though. Gave me a hug this morning, and took me to Appetites for a cheese scone. She's not even probing too much, by her standards, just making sure I'm okay.

McCabe harrumphed past a minute ago. He doesn't approve of sick leave, of course, so I'm in his bad books for being off yesterday. I've gone for sickness and diarrhoea as my illness of choice - explains why I couldn't be at work, but at the same time allows me to have worked from home. And anyway, who ever queries when you get the shits? It's too embarrassing to mention.

I finished the ESF bid yesterday afternoon. It helped take my mind off my stinging tits and throbbing arse. It's quite nice to think of McCabe and George Cross reading that, little realising what a state I was in when I wrote it - naked, lying on the bed, red arse in the air and tits raised off the sheets to prevent them chafing.

Later

Got a summons from McCabe. He was very pleased with the ESF bid. It'll go off tomorrow, just in time for the deadline.

"It's in the bag, Molly," he boomed. "The cat's in the bag, the donkey's been slain, the ferrets are ruling the roost. That's what we are, Molly. You and me - we're ferrets, sniffing out our prey and grabbing it, not letting go till we win. Tenacious bastards, that's what we are. And you've done it, Molly. By God, you've done it. This is superb. A masterpiece of verbal bollocks, sheer gibberish from start to finish, but perfectly honed, magnificently judged. Every word the funders wanted to hear, beautifully polished and gleaming on the page. They'll be salivating over this, Molly. In fact, no - it's so sexy they'll be wanking over it. It's that good. It's that perfect. Bureaucrats' pornography. Buy yourself a lolly on a stick, Molly. You've deserved it."

I think he's pleased. He only ever insults me when he's pleased.

I also think he's str8guy. "Grabbing our prey and not letting go till we win." How obvious is that?

But then again, would he make it that obvious?

Or is it a double bluff? He is a clever bastard, after all.

God, I'm depressed. And here comes fucking Rod now, with his joke for the day, I expect...

Yes indeed it was. You've got to hear this one. I almost laughed, though that's probably a hysterical reaction to my depression:

An old man is walking on the beach one day and goes up to a beautiful girl in a bikini. He leers at her and says, "I want to feel your breasts."

"Fuck off, you dirty old bastard," she replies, barely even looking at him. "I want to feel your breasts," he says again. "I'll give you twenty quid."

"Twenty quid, are you crazy!? Piss off, you pervert!"

"I want to feel your breasts. I'll give you one hundred pounds!" he says.

"Just get away from me before I call the police!"

"Two hundred pounds."

She pauses and she's clearly tempted for a moment, but then she comes to her senses. "I said NO!" she yells.

"Five hundred pounds if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaims.

She stops and thinks. Well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and £500 is a lot of money... "Well, okay," she says, "but only for a minute."

She loosens her bikini top and he comes up close to her and slides his hands underneath and begins to feel. A look crosses his face, kind of a cross between pain and pleasure, and he starts to moan while he squeezes her tits. "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh dear, oh dear."

Out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying that?"

Still squeezing and stroking, he continues to mutter. "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh dear, oh dear, fuck me, fuck sake, where the hell am I ever going to get five hundred quid?"

Boom Boom.

That's the first time Rod's dared crack a joke since he got savaged by Tess last Friday. He must have been waiting for a good one. Didn't wait long enough, if you ask me, but Tess laughed, so he's officially reinstated as persona grata now. Hmm, is that a good or bad thing for me???

And a text has just come in from the man in my life. I'm being visited by all the joys of the world this morning, aren't I???

Cunt on cam please

No beating about the bush there, then. Almost makes me nostalgic for the days when he cooed and called it polly...

"Lover boy?" asked Tess, nodding to my phone. I wish I could remember to keep it on silent.

"Yeah." It was easier to go along with her.

"Hope he's not asking you to do anything kinky again?"

"Huh?"

"Nipple clamps. Whatever weird stuff he's getting you into."

"Nah, nothing like that."

"Cos I don't want to see your tits again. Nice as they are." Despite the joke, she stared at me solicitously. I felt sorry for her. She was genuinely worried about me, but she was worrying on totally spurious grounds because of the lie I told her about my new, kinky but non-existent boyfriend. I hated the fact I was making her worry about something which didn't exist.

"Seriously," I said. "Simon is cool. It's nothing serious, I know what I'm doing. Don't worry."

She nodded and returned to her work. I logged in to chatmate and loaded the cam.

[str8guy] Took your time

[molly] talking to tess

[str8guy] She's more important than me, is she?

[molly] she's my best friend.

[str8guy] And I'm your master

[str8guy] Aren't I?

[str8guy] Aren't I?

[molly] if u say so

[str8guy] No Molly, you said so. Yesterday.

[str8guy] Don't you remember?

[molly] don't recall using the word master, no

[str8guy] The sense of what you said, though

[str8guy] Indubitably. Indisputably

[molly] indefencibly

[str8guy] Pardon?

[molly] just thinking of another word beginning ind...

[str8guy] Or just creating a little diversion, I think. And it was spelled wrongly, too, I think you'll find.

[molly] well pardon me for being an illiterate girlie

[str8guy] Show me your cunt

[str8guy] Spread your lips

[str8guy] Stick a finger inside

[str8guy] There.

[str8guy] Lovely

[str8guy] And you think I'm not your Master...

[str8guy] It sure seems like it to me

[str8guy] Wouldn't you say, little Molly?

[str8guy] little molly wolly

[str8guy] showing her polly wolly

[str8guy] exposing her cunt

[str8guy] to her master

[str8guy] isn't she?

[str8guy] isn't she?

[molly] yes

[str8guy] There's a dildo in your desk drawer. Put it in

[molly] tess is here

[str8guy] Do I fucking care?

[str8guy] Do what you're told

[molly] i'm not wet enough

[str8guy] spit on it then

[molly] can i do this in the loos?

[molly] with the gprs?

[str8guy] Yes certainly

[str8guy] If you feel that's where you belong.

[str8guy] Hmm, adds a whole new dimension to the morning. I think I'll enjoy this.

[str8guy] Excellent idea Molly. Good thinking that girl.

[str8guy] I was only going to have you perform a quick session this morning. This could work out much, much better...

[str8guy] See you in five minutes. Don't be late.

What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? I'm losing my mind. I'm losing control. What am I doing?

Help me.