Called in by McCabe first thing this morning. He was in one of those 'time waits for no worm' kind of moods, when it's best to just go along with him.

"Not burning yourself out, are you Molly?"

"No."

"Good. We wouldn't want that, would we? My best donkey trapper. Don't want you coming a cropper. Don't want you burned to a carcass. You know that, don't you?"

"Absolutely."

"Clowes Manor and Sure Start. How they doing? Tell me everything."

"Clowes Manor is good. Nearly written. Haggling with the Head over some of our fees, but I can handle him."

"I'll bet you can. The question is, can he handle you?"

"No-one handles me."

He snorted, his belly quivering inside his cream shirt. "That's what I like to hear. What they can't handle, they can't sully, what they can't sully they won't corrupt. And that leaves you all the stronger for Chase McCabe. Incorruptible, Molly, that's the way I need you."

"Just so."

"And Sure Start. How's the hang on Sure Start?"

"Barely started so far. They're a chaotic lot, don't know their arse from their elbow. Bunch of fucking amateurs, if you'll pardon my German. They're gonna need a lot of coaching or else they'll make some damned fool decisions and blow their whole capital budget."

"We all need coaching some times. Coaching and coaxing - same thing except one wears a tracksuit and the other an encouraging smile. Think you're up to it?"

"Oh yes, no problem."

"Marvellous. Because if they're going to fuck it up and blow their capital budget, I want the fuck blowing in our direction, if you get the drift."

"Drifting loud and clear."

"So all this work you're doing Molly - I know you're putting in the hours just now - where will it lead in, say, a month's time? Where will our donkey be tethered? How low will its nuts be hanging?"

"I expect to have secured quarter of a million ESF and a 380k capital programme for Sure Start."

"Confident?"

"Totally."

"Any icebergs on the horizon?"

"None that I can see."

"Hmm. Icebergs are cunning bastards, Molly. Try to sneak up on you and rip your innards out when you're not looking. But the thing about icebergs is they're fucking cold. You can feel the air freezing for miles around them. Is the air freezing anywhere, Molly?"

"Erm, no, I don't think so."

"I don't want to hear 'don't think so', Molly. I want to hear 'no'. I'll ask again: feeling any cold draughts wafting across your bows at all?"

"No, none."

"Good. Keep testing. Keep a look out, Molly. They're only ice, but they're nasty bastards. There's some nasty fuckers in the sea."

I think that was a quote from David Attenborough. I know McCabe's warning me, but god only knows what about. It takes a bigger brain than mine to work out the labyrinthine meanings of his pronouncements. Probably George Cross at Clowes Manor has been on to him again. Wouldn't be surprised if he was asking for a special rendezvous with me again to go through the figures. Figures like 32a-22-32 3;

And Tess is in a funny mood too. Probably because she didn't get laid all weekend. I daren't tell her about last night - she'd probably explode if I told her I got a good shafting while she was sitting at home fuming and diddling herself to relieve the frustration 3; All I need now is Rod and Terry to make my morning.

Later

Ho hum, half an hour later, and prophesies have been fulfilled. Mondays, don't you just love 'em? Rod was on his usual form - "what do you say to a guy with five cocks? Your jeans fit like a glove." Terry was at his geek best, urging us all to use the Opera browser instead of IE. It's all fat ladies singing to me - whatever browser I use I'll still be stripping and fucking at the whim of mr str8guy...

Talking of who...

[str8guy] Do my eyes deceive me, or is that panties you're wearing?

[molly] good morning to you too.

[str8guy] Well, is it?

[molly] yes

[str8guy] Well, go and remove them immediately.

[str8guy] I don't want to sit and stare at white panties all morning

[str8guy] When the skies are blue and the sun is out you don't want the bloody curtains closed, do you?

[str8guy] Get them off

[molly] nice to speak to you too...

[str8guy] Off, Molly

[molly] ok ok. brb, gotta go to the loos

[str8guy] ...

[str8guy] ...

[molly] satisfied?

[str8guy] Not yet. Part your legs

[str8guy] Wider

[str8guy] Now part your lips

[str8guy] Let me see

[str8guy] Let me see polly

[str8guy] That's it

[str8guy] I wanted a good close-up of the cunt that got so well fucked last night

[molly] and there it is

[str8guy] And there it is.

[str8guy] You certainly got a good seeing to last night, didn't you?

[str8guy] He went at it hammer and tongs

[molly] he gave it his all, yes

[molly] went home a very satisfied man

[str8guy] I should say he did. He certainly got access to Molly Hadley and her assets

[str8guy] And made full use of them too

[molly] y

[str8guy] Which was the best bit?

[molly] it's a bit embarrassing talking about it like this, u know

[molly] it's personal

[str8guy] Good lord, why? I can't imagine why it should be embarrassing to simply talk about it when you know I actually watched it all last night

[str8guy] In glorious technicolor...

[str8guy] so what was the best bit?

[str8guy] When he fucked you from behind?

[str8guy] That looked pretty hot

[str8guy] That was my favourite

[str8guy] You could see his cock being rammed into you

[str8guy] and the expression on your face each time

[str8guy] lovely

[str8guy] I took some pictures

[str8guy] Mementoes

[str8guy] I knew you wouldn't mind

[molly] u did wht?

[str8guy] here...

[str8guy] http://www.angelfire.com/vamp/molly_hadley-4/index.html

[molly] u cant do that

[str8guy] I have. have a look

I went cold all over. I've kind of grown used to the various websites of me being on the internet, reassured by str8guy's claims that they weren't really traceable. But this was different: I was actually fucking someone. It was hardcore pornography. I copied the addy into my browser and brought it up, feeling sick in my stomach as I saw the thumbnails of me in action. str8guy may have found them erotic, but I was horrified. It was the strangest sensation. It's the first time I've ever seen myself in action like that, and it felt quite impersonal, as though I were looking at someone else, and yet at the same time I could (and still can) remember every emotion and thought that was running through my head at each moment he captured on film. That one, with my head back, I remember wishing Jonathan would bend his knees and come up at me. And that one on the bed, at the start, I was thinking about his dick and anticipating what it would feel like in my hand.

Seeing my intimate actions on screen like this felt like a violation. It was as though not only my action, but my thoughts were on public display.

[molly] Please take that down.

[str8guy] Why? It's beautiful, Molly. You should be proud.

[str8guy] I'm certainly proud of you. What an evening's entertainment you gave me last night.

[molly] take it down

[str8guy] I wasn't certain whether you'd go through with it. To see you comply so fully was marvellous.

[str8guy] You really got into the spirit, didn't you

[molly] take it down

[str8guy] Your little body, so turned on, being well and truly rogered

[str8guy] Stimulating stuff

[molly] TAKE THE FUCKING SITE DOWN

[molly] FUCKING LISTEN TO ME

[molly] HALFWIT MORON

[molly] JSUT ONCE IN YOUR LIFE LISTEN TO SOMEONE ELS

[str8guy] I shall attend to some email now Molly, and return in ten minutes. I expect you to have calmed down by then.

[molly] yeah go on, fuck off and hide. just like you always do when the going gets tough

[molly] coward bastard

[molly] bastard

[molly] bastard

[molly] bastard

[molly] bastard

[molly] bastard

[molly] bastard

[molly] bastard

[molly] bastard

[molly] bastard

[molly] bastard

[molly] bastard

[str8guy] Oh dear, ten minutes up and you don't appear to have calmed down yet, Molly

[molly] bastard

[str8guy] Enough, Molly. You're in enough trouble as it is

[str8guy] What's your problem?

[molly] WHATDS MY PROBLEM???

[molly] what u think???

[molly] having a website of me fucking someone, perhaps???

[molly] dyou not think that might give YOU the hump?

[str8guy] I think the site is a tribute to your beauty and erotic skill

[molly] lets remember how you reacted when a few pics of your precious dick were posted on the net

[molly] huh???

[molly] fucking hypocrite

[str8guy] Molly, you are talking yourself into severe trouble here

[molly] oh yeah. like what? gonna make me spank myself again

[molly] like i'm rREALLY scared

[str8guy] I think you'll find it's a lot worse than that.

[str8guy] You might find it rather difficult

[str8guy] I thought that might quieten you

[molly] okay sunshine, i'm listening

[molly] what cunning ploy have you in mind this time, mr str8guy bastard

[molly] huh?

[str8guy] You really are being quite obnoxious today, Molly. Most unbecoming. Most unattractive.

[molly] well pardon me, i'm sure

[molly] here, here's a close-up of my cunt. you obvisously prefer that to my brains, just feast your eyes on that m8

[molly] and that way you can pretend i don't have a mind at all. that's the esasiest sort of =woman isn't it. one who doesn't think. just a cunt on legs. is that what you want

[str8guy] Quite finished?

[molly] no i haven't

[str8guy] Well I have. You will get notification of your punishment for this behaviour in due course

[molly] barely started m8. i'm livid

[str8guy has quit]

[molly] go on then, ufck off wanker. piss off to the toilets and wank yourself till your dickl falls off.

Oh boy. I needed to get that out of my system, but it would have been better not to do it with str8guy present. I know what he's like. He won't let that lie. I'm in serious trouble now, I expect.

Monday, May 10th 2004, going home time

This has just arrived for me in the internal mail. No comment. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to say.

Speechless.

Furious.

Terrified.