|
Return To The Index (This does NOT open a new window) Note, to make reading multi-part stories easier, story links (links with dejanews.com or www.qz.to, NOT the review or profile links) will open up a new browser window. When you are done reading the story, or section of the story simply CLOSE the story window. |
|
Celestial Reviews 277 - April 22, 1998 Note: Father O'Grady was saying his usual goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service, when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. "What's bothering you so, my dear girl?" inquired Farther O'Grady. "Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary. "What is it, Mary?" "Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father." "Oh, Mary!" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" "Well, yes he did father," replied Mary. "What did he ask, Mary?" "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun....'" Second note: A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two whores. Third note: Somebody who will remain anonymous sent me this anecdote. It's long, but interesting. Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her, but he just wasn't interested. Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age; and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for a date for a Friday night. She was so excited all that week, she could hardly wait for Friday. Finally, Friday came. As soon as she got home from school, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair. and make- up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for. Finally, 7 o'clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. "Hi, Mikey!" she said, nervous as hell; and Mikey replied, "Suzie you look beautiful!" Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door -- then IT hit her. She realized in horror that she had to FART!! Oh my God she thought, walking along, what am I going to do? Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, and roll down the window real quick; and by the time he came around and got in, all would be O.K. So they get to the car, Mikey opens the door, and Suzie gets in. He closes the door, then she really rips one! She rolls down the window, and sees that he's just getting around to his door. Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiles at Mikey as he gets in the car. Then Mikey turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, "Suzie, I'd like you to meet my brother Carl and his date." Fourth note: These reviews now have Story Links in two places: in the index (Table of Contents) and at the beginning of the actual review. This placement makes it as easy as possible for readers to paste the link into a browser and go directly to the story. This actually requires some additional effort, and so I'd like to know whether this is supplying a useful service. I'd like to thank Sandman for helping me with these links. Sandman is an ideal helper. He does all this drudgery and then THANKS me for letting him do it. I feel kinda like when my husband eats my clit for a half hour and then thanks me for letting him do it - only completely different. Sandman has also supplied the "Celestial History" notes for each issue. Sometimes I suspect Sandman knows more about me than I know about myself. The bad news is that Sandman is getting married in three weeks and will take a month off for the festivities. Talk about optimism! The reason this is "bad" is that Sandman will be temporarily unavailable for finding Links. If someone else would like to volunteer to fill his shoes - actually, we should probably use a metaphor other than shoes for this newsgroup, but I think I won't go there - I'd like to hear from you. Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste |