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Celestial Reviews 272 - April 4, 1998 Note: Here are some situations you may find yourself in, and the orgasms you may encounter... Sex in a boat - oar-gasms. Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms. Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms. Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms. Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms. Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms. Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms. Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms. Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms. Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms. Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms. Sex while broke - poor-gasms. Sex with a lion - roar-gasms. Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms. Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms. Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms. Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms. Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms. Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms. Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms. Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms. Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms. Sex on the beach - shore-gasms. Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms. Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms. Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms. Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms. Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms. Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms. Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms. Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms. Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms. Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms. Sex while flying - soar-gasms. Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms. Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms. Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms. Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms. Sex while traveling - tour-gasms. Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms. Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms. Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms. Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms. Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms. Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms. Second note: Delta has posted a new story, which is reviewed below. For those of you who don't know, Delta is one of the best authors on this newsgroup. However, in spite of this innate genius, Delta has gone berserk and has posted a screwball theory on a.s.s.d. about numbers and lefts and rights. Let me set the record straight with regard to my identity. The following is a repost of a previous dissertation describing why I am Celeste801: Many people have expressed interest in the 801 in my AOL address. I used to reply that I tried to get just plain Celeste but that was already taken and the computer suggested Celeste801. Nobody believes that story, so here's the real reason. We'll approach it backwards, which is a lot easier to understand. 1. First, you SUBTRACT 666 (the number of the Antichrist) from 801, which gives you 135 (801 - 666 = 135) You subtract, of course, because most sex stories are GOOD, not EVIL (hence, subtract 666). 2. Then you ADD 69 (the most popular number in sex stories) to 135, which gives you 204. (135 + 69 = 204) You add, of course, because most of the stories I review ARE sexy. 3. Then you subtract the value corresponding to all the Roman numerals. C and L are the only Roman numerals, and CL is 150. (204 - 150 = 54) The reason for doing this may be obvious to you, but I consider it to be a secret. 4. After C and L have been removed, only E E S T E are left. There are 3 E's, and E is the Fifth letter of the alphabet. Three times five is fifteen. In addition, S is the 19th letter of the alphabet and T the 20th. Nineteen plus twenty equals thirty-nine. If we subtract 39 from 54, we get (incredibly enough) 15. Fifteen is exactly the number of stories I put on my Top Fifteen Stories List each month. More importantly the digits in 69 add up to 15. In addition, at the time I started writing these stories 15 was the record for the number of times my husband and I had engaged in sexual activities that gave at least one of us an orgasm within any single week (a seven-day period, not necessarily Sunday through Saturday, which would have yielded 12 and ruined this whole computation. However, if we count only occasions when we BOTH had an orgasm during a continuous sexual encounter, the seven-day record would have been 12, which {now that I think about it} was set on December 12 somewhere around midnight during the 12th month of our marriage. I think you can see where this line of reasoning is going.) So that's why I'm Celeste801. This wouldn't work with any number other than 801. Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste |