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* "The Dick: Confessions of a Private Eye" by Sandman
(private detective orgies) 9, 10, 10
* "The Dick: Confessions of a Private Eye" by Sandman (bd654@scn.org). Somebody posting from an address beginning with "parapuke" has been reposting some extremely good stories. The only problem I see with these reposts is that the titles have sometimes been slightly changed and the names of the authors have been deleted. For example, although this one was labeled "The Dick - A Private Eye's Story" the original title was "The Dick: Confessions of a Private Eye," and it was written by a person who called himself Sandman. Aside from some grammatical and stylistic errors, this is an extremely good story; and the author deserves his credit. PLEASE! If you repost stories, give credit to the original authors. Here's my original review. Many, many years ago, a sweet old nun was making a genuine effort to enliven her English class by showing some films of classic movies. This was in the days before VCRs were available in all classrooms. She rolled out her 16 mm projector and showed the film that she had obtained for free from the public library. I forget what that film was; but after it was over, the sweet old nun said, "And if you're all good, Friday I'll show you "The Bank Dick." A titter ran through the room. {That sentence itself is a punchline to a joke; but we shall not digress at this time.} The nun called on a young student - in fact, an A student who would later become an English teacher and reviewer of smutty stories, but who {That's right, "who" - this is a complex thought.} - but who the sweet old nun secretly hoped would become a sweet young nun - she called on this young student in front of the whole class and asked her to kindly explain what was so funny. At first the student evaded the issue with clever responses like, "Nothing" and "I don't know." However, the silly grins that the other students were urged to wipe off their faces - along with the titter that kept running through the class - caused the sweet old nun to persist; and eventually the student replied, "Sister, I think 'dick' is a vulgar term that refers to the male penis." The grins quickly disappeared; and the titter came to a halt; and the student discovered the meaning of the metaphor "killing the messenger." The sweet old nun called my mother that evening and told her that I "knew things that no good girl should know." As I stood in the kitchen listening to the phone call, I came to a new understanding of the metaphor "scared shitless." My mother responded, "Thank you, sister. I think perhaps you had better pray for her." Then she hung up the phone, looked at me sternly, shook her head sadly, and said, "Nuns can be weird sometimes. You did fine." To this very day I don't know how the term "dick" became applied to these disparate concepts; but I still get a silly grin that has to be wiped off my face whenever I hear the d-word applied to a private eye. Anyway, this is not your ordinary "interracial" sex story. Bernard, the black stud, sports a simple five-incher, rather than the usual monster cock. He also has a problem with premature ejaculation, which his red-headed, white girlfriend handles sympathetically. The private detective has been hired by Bernard's black wife with a great ass to get the dirt on Bernie, so that she can dump him and make off with his money. The detective, of course, becomes enamored with his client; and then, of course, he also becomes enamored with the husband's mistress, who has the most incredible tongue this dick has ever come across. {Sometimes I suspect that some of these double meanings are intentional.} To make a long story short, the ladies meet and hit it off together. Some of the racial epithets are not politically correct; but then these ladies are not politicians. Although Sheila is a redhead of apparent European ancestry, she is conversant with African American literature, as we can see from this excerpt addressed to her new dark-skinned friend: "You have the most beautiful ass in the whole world. I should know, I just tasted it. Your asshole tastes so great. Please don't spank me for my comments. But whatever you do, don't ram one of the dildos in my dresser up my cunt while spanking me. That would hurt even more. I never want to feel such pain ever again." Br'er Rabbit couldn't have said it better. The story is chockfull of surprises and wonderful events: crescendos, blowjobs, puckered and gaping assholes, wad after wad shooting across cyberspace, and even a double underwater blow job in the bathtub at 5:00 a.m. All of this is described in the objective tone and with the metaphors typical of a detective in a dime-novel or B-movie. Near the end of the story (in the pre-ante-penultimate paragraph, to be precise), we find these lines: "These two beautiful bodies, lying against one another, were now facing me in such a way that I could see their four holes lined up in a line: asshole, cunt, cunt, asshole. It was a beautiful and erotic sight. I paused to consider my situation, scratching my balls in the process." Writers of detective stories always talk like this. And antepenultimately: "If you can't lick 'em, fuck 'em!" OK. Just in case you don't know the joke that goes with that punchline, here it is. The ladies of the church society had arranged to have the children act out the Christmas play as the script was being read to the congregation. {There's a whole lot more that can be added here. Use your creative imagination.} Right after the cute little kid appeared while the angel talking to the shepherds, another cute little boy ran through the assembled worshippers and rapidly fondled all the women's breasts. The minister jumped to his feet and shouted, "What in the HELL is going on here!" The director waved the script in front of him and said, "It says right here in parentheses in the script you gave me: 'A titter runs through the congregation.'" Or something like that. Ratings for "The Dick" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 |