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Return To The Index (This does NOT open a new window) Note, to make reading multi-part stories easier, story links (links with dejanews.com or www.qz.to, NOT the review or profile links) will open up a new browser window. When you are done reading the story, or section of the story simply CLOSE the story window. |
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Celestial Reviews 257 - February 11, 1998 Note: Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc.; and none worked. He was reading the paper one day, when he noticed a small ad which read: Lose weight $1.00 a pound. And it simply listed a telephone number. Having little to lose, the man called the number. A sultry female voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?' The man responded, 'Ten pounds.'. The voice replied, 'Very well. Put you check in the mail, and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.' About 9:00 am the next morning the man heard a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can screw me'. Well, the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her; and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, 'Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!'. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?'The somewhat less overweight man replied, 'Twenty pounds.'. 'Very well,' the voice on the phone told him; 'Put you check in the mail, and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.' At about 8:00 am the next morning the man received a knock on the door. When he opened the door he saw a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can screw me'. The chase took a while longer this time, but the man finally did catch her. When he was through, she told him, 'Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!' He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! 'This is fantastic!' he thought. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?'. 'Fifty pounds!' the man exclaimed. 'Fifty pounds?' the voice asked. 'That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.'. The overweight man replied, 'My check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning.' Then he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man got out of bed and got all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he heard a knock on the door. When he opened the door he saw a large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, 'If I catch you, I'm going to screw you.' Second note: I think the Story Links have been a useful addition. I'd like to express my appreciation to Sandman, who has been supplying the links that the guest reviewers and I have been unable to obtain ourselves for each issue. Third note: I have had several inquiries recently regarding "Tie Fighter" by Walter Slaven. I may be mistaken, but my recollection is that Walter is in a position where he cannot post because of his job - I think he might be a special prosecutor or a White House intern or something like that. Although it was not complete at the time I last reviewed it, "Tie Fighter" is one of the best stories ever posted on this newsgroup. I hope someone can find a way to repost it. Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste |