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Celestial Reviews 273 - April 8, 1998 Note: I really do appreciate the jokes that people sometimes send to me. My mention of pick-up lines brought the following deluge from a correspondent: 1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed. 2. Do you want to see something swell? 3. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 p.s.i.? 4. Drop 'em! 5. What do you like for breakfast? 6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize? 7. Wanna fuck like bunnies? 8. Say, did we go to different schools together? 9. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? 10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile if you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laugh. 11. Hi, my name is {name}; how do you like me so far? 12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again? 14. Hey baby, let's go make some babies. 15. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?" 16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? 17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW! 18. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose? 19. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley? 20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum." 21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? 22. HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza? 23. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?" 24. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!? 25. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids) 26. Bond. James Bond. 27. Hello love, do you spit or swallow? 28. You look like the type of girl that has heard ever line in the book. So what's one more? 29. Your place or mine? 30. Nice shoes, wanna fuck? 31. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand. 32. Would you like to have morning coffee with me? 33. Your face or MINE!? 34. Are you ready to go home yet? 35. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? 36. When she asks, for a match. "How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?" 37. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them? 38. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out. 39. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist. 40. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh. 41. I wanna floss with your pubic hair. 42. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler? 43. I'd look good on you. 44. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet? 45. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else. 46. I would kill or die to make love to you. 47. Sex is a killer... want to die happy? 48. I love every bone in your body - especially mine. 49. Hi, I make more money than you can spend. 50. HI! Can I buy you a car? 51. NOW, BITCH! 52. Fancy a fuck? 53. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it. 54. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you? 55. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment? 56. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen? 57. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some? 58. Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear. 59. Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus? 60. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed. 61. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes. 62. That top is very becoming on you. Of course, if I were on you I'd be cumming too. 63. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven." 64. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "Checking to see if you're the right size." 65. Let's do breakfast tomorrow--should I call you or nudge you? 66. You know what I like about you? My arms. 67. I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... On a Wednesday. 68. Excuse me, why is your drink glowing? 69. How did you achieve such a gaudy effect with only FDA-approved cosmetics? 70. You're ugly, but you interest me. 71. Screw me if I am wrong but you want to fuck me don't you? 72. Do you believe in one-night-stands? 73. With one touch, I could make you make sounds that only a dog could hear. 74. If I said you have an ugly body, would you hold it against me? 75. If I gave you a negligee for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me? 76. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you. 77. I'm leaving this place... want to cum? 78. I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? And are you disappointed? 79. Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across! 80. Who's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? 81. OK, fuck me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me. 82. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. 83. Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here, get 'em while they're hot! 84. Do you have a quarter? Too bad, because I need to call my mother and tell her that I found the woman of my dreams. 85. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call your mother and thank her. 86. Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes. 87. That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it? 88. Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them. 89. Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers. 90. Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me. 91. Did it hurt? Woman: Did what hurt? When you fell out of heaven? 92. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on? 93. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink? 94. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples? 95. Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling Tic-Tacs? 96. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you? 97. Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us 98. You smell wet. Let's Party. 99. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair. 100. Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick. 101. Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? 102. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your 'pud' and say: "Hey Charlie, see anyone here you recognize?" 103. I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet sometime... 104. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. 105. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks? 106. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. 107. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress. 108. Excuse me, do you live around here often? 109. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash; would you mind if we shared a cab home together? 110. What's your sign? 111. You have the ass of a great artist. 112. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 113. Let's take a shower together --you smell. 114. I've gotta thirst, baby; and you smell like my Gatorade 115. If I were Elvis, would you screw me? 116. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew... 117. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts) 118. "Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here." 119. "What was that?" "That sound." "It was the sound of my heart breaking." 120. I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body? 121. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes. 122. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated. 123. Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock, it's a GEM. 124. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do? 125. Do you want to go halves on a bastard? 126. Have you ever played leap frog naked? 127. I'll bet you 10 bucks I could get all your clothes off in 30 seconds. 128. I'd like to rearrange the alphabet so that u and I come together. 129. Since we shouldn't waste this day and age, what do you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire? 130. Would you like to see me naked? 131. I lost my phone number; can I borrow yours? 132. I was sitting here holding this cigarette and I realized I'd rather be holding you. 133. If your parents hadn't met, I'd be very a very unhappy man right now. 134. Anything drugs can do I can do with my tongue. 135. Either way, I'm going to have you tonight; so you may as well be there. 136. Wanna go halves on a baby? 137. Do you like chicken? Suck this; it's foul! 138. Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch! 139. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? No! D'ya wanna go upstairs and talk! 140. Holding out two fingers say, "Why should women masturbate with these two fingers?" When she says, "I don't know", you say, "'Cause they're mine, sweetheart". 141. I feel like Richard Gere. I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman. 142. Sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you better? 143. The chick that usually sucks my dick has a shirt just like yours! 144. You know, the woman I'd forget about for you is blonde, too! 145. Do you eat pork ? 146. Hey, little girl, how 'bout a quick game of hide the weasel? 147. I'm sorry. I'm an artist, and it's my job to stare at beautiful women. 148. Do you like beef? Well suck this; it's dripping. 149. Mmm. You like to chew gum? Cop a hold of this - it's WRIGGLY. 150. You're so hot, you melt the plastic in my underwear. 151. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. 152. The word of the day is "legs." Now, let's go back to my place and spread the word. 153. My name is [insert your name here]. I'm telling you so you'll know what to scream. 154. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover." 155. Yo, baby! All those curves and me with no brakes. 156. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine. 157. How about you just sit on my lap, and we'll both wait around and see what comes up? 158. Wow, you look just like my cousin. Wanna have sex? 159. I'd like to confront the front of your cunt. 160. Let's say your left leg is Christmas and your right leg is New Year's. Now, how about letting me get together with you sometime between the holidays? 161. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 162. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case the say yes.] 163. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear. 164. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want? 165. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night? 166. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. 167. Can I flirt with you? 168. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. 169. If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 170. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken? 171. Is it hot in here or is it just you? 172. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!] 173. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 174. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? 175. So... How am I doin'? 176. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes? 177. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg. 178. Do you sleep on your stomach? [No] Can I? 179. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? 'cause I've been seeing myself in your pants all night. 180. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 181. Do your feet hurt? [Why?] You've been running through my mind all day. 182. Is it hot in here or is it just you? 183. The first time is always the hardest. 184. Excuse me, are you on the pill? 185. Hi there. Do you swallow? 186. Wow! Are those real? 187. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks? 188. Nice dress/pants, can I talk you out of it? 189. I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your name was included. 190. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me? 191. So, do you wanna see something really swell? 192. I had sex with someone last night. Was that you? 193. Do you take it up the ass? 194. Is that a Tic-Tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? 195. What would you do if I kissed you right now? 196. Pardon me, but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you? 197. Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with THESE two fingers? (holding up any two) Obvious reply: No, why? Because they're mine. 198. I'm drunk. 199. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it. 200. Ever tried those weird prickly condoms? 201. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you? 202. Pull my finger. 203. Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us. 204. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 205. (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand. 206. Your underwear must be made out of Windex, because I can see myself in them tonight. 207. They say love is a many splendored thing. Let's make some and find out... 208. Hi. I go down on the first date...how about you? 209. Hi, what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this? 210. To a woman: Hey baby, can I tickle your belly from the inside? 211. Do you like apples? [Yes] How 'bout I take yak home and fuck the shit out of ya, how'd ya like dem apples? 212. Excuse me. Do you wanna fuck or should I apologize? 213. Hi! Can I buy you a car? 214. I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass when I'm finished. 215. Will you marry me and have my children? (unfortunate side-effects: beware!) 216. I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles bitch! 217. Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo. 218. Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy? 219. Hey let's play house, you be the door and I'll slam you. 220. You know, your eyes would go great with my bedspread 221. Are you looking for Mr. Right? Or Mr. RightNow? 222. Would you like fries with that? 223. Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers. 224. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you. 225. How did you achieve such a gaudy effect with only Avon cosmetics? 226. Do you believe in one night stands? 227. Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?" 228. I'm single! 229. I think I'm falling in love with you. Now do you want to fuck? 230. I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub. Are the straps too tight darling? How very, very tragic. 231. What winks and fucks like a tiger? (said while winking) 232. Yo. You'll do. 233. Excuse me, I think I dropped my congressional medal of honor under your chair. 234. You know what they say about beauty...it protects against all evil. Well, with you I feel really safe! 235. Excuse me, this is the non-smoking section and you happen to be on fire! 236. I don't want to be alone when I go to bed tonight, but I do when I wake up 237. Are those moon pants you have on? [No, why?] Because your ass is out of this world. 238. You're ugly, but you interest me. 239. I didn't know angels flew so low. 240. Say, do you believe in the hereafter? (Yes) Well, then, maybe you'll give me what I'm here after. Second note: All of my past Celestial Reviews are now archived at ftp://asstr.ml.org/pub/Collections/Celestial_Reviews/. This is not "my" archive; so don't ask me questions about how it operates or complain to me when it goes down. I have no official web site of my own, but I am usually willing to cooperate with anyone who wishes to post my reviews, and I am grateful for their help. Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste |