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Celestial Reviews 297 - July 29, 1998 Note: A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do; so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, and longed for his old life, while he fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, rowing directly toward him. In disbelief, he shouted to her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" As she brought her boat onto the shore, the woman replied, "I rowed from the other side of the island." Her nipples pressed against her shirt as she added, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree." "B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. "But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?" Second note: I get swamped with questions regarding "how can I find a story you reviewed" and "how do I get my stories reviewed?" With Bitbard's help I now post links to almost all the stories I review. If those don't help you, I suggest www.dejanews.com and the archives at If you want to maximize the chances of getting a story reviewed, send me a copy by email when you post it. I try very hard to review only stories that are posted to the newsgroup - stories that anyone else can find if my review inspires them to look them up. In addition, I feel I have the right to review absolutely any story that is posted on a.s.s. or a.s.s.m. I'll normally honor a request to skip over a story; but I often go through the posted stories and look for offerings by new authors. My reviews of these stories help readers know where to look for reading that suits their tastes. Third note: Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud in Victoria's Secret: 10. Does this come in children's sizes? 9. No thanks. Just sniffing. 8. I'll be in the fitting room going blind. 7. Mom will love this. 6. Oh, the size won't matter. She's inflatable. 5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here. 4. Will you model this for me? 3. The Miracle what? This is better than world peace! 2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!! And the NUMBER ONE thing that a man should never say out loud in Victoria's Secret: 1. Oh Honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that. Fourth note: I've had a couple of reviewers retire recently. If anyone would like to apply for their jobs, please contact me. Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste |