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Celestial Reviews 285 - June 3, 1998 Note: The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, "Well he was a big, muscular and handsome marine." "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She replied, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he did not have that much. So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he did not have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?'" "The marine said he only had $25. So I told him 'For $25 all I can give you is a hand job'" He agreed; and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then I put the other hand above that one." She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued, "Then I put the firsthand above the second hand...." "Oh my God!" the others all exclaimed. "It must have been huge! Then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!" Second note: There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory; so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled. Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you." Third note: Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra: 10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper" 9. "One-a-day, like iron" 8. "Get a piece of the rock" 7. "You've come a long way, baby" 6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em" 5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman 4. "Tastes great, more filling" 3. "Viagra, built ram tough" 2. "Here's the beef!" and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra: 1. Just do her. Some honorable mentions: "We work harder, so you don't have to" "Ten inches long... and growing." "Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight" "Viagra, home of the whopper" "Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver" "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?" Fourth note: Some discussion on a.s.s.d. has focused on the need to standardize the ratings that my guest reviewers give to the stories they review. If somebody can tell me how to do this, I am willing to listen to suggestions. However, my impression is that it's not worth the effort. If I insisted that all reviewers follow a rigid set of guidelines, I would quickly lose all my reviewers. My experience is that each reviewer develops his/her own consistent pattern; and readers can figure out what those patterns are. The best solution is to focus on the REVIEW, not the numbers, to select stories. It's relatively easy to identify a reviewer's preferences and biases and to use this information to find out which stories are likely to appeal to you. If you want to find "the best stories," I suggest that you use the monthly lists. I'll grant that even these lists are subjective, but I at least try to identify the best stories reviewed during a particular time frame. Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste |