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Celestial Reviews 300 - August 22, 1998 Note: If Cartoons Were X-Rated: On the Simpsons, Maggie wouldn't be the only one going "suck, suck." When Popeye ate his spinach, the music would be the same, but the bulging would come from a different location. Fred Basset and Marmaduke would do it doggie-style. Cathy wouldn't be so talkative with her mouth full all the time. Scooby-Doo would spend all his time in the van offering passersby a "Scooby Snack." South Park would be pretty much the same. Second note: The pastor and his assistant rode their bikes to church every Sunday. One day the assistant showed up at church without his two-wheeler. The pastor asked him where his bike was. The assistant replied, "I don't know, but I think it has been stolen!" The pastor said, "Well, what you should do is read off the ten commandments during the service, and when you get to "Thou Shall Not Steal" someone will confess to the theft." The next Sunday the assistant had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back. Did you do what I suggested?" the pastor asked. The assistant answered, "Well, kind of. But when I was reading the commandments and got to "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery," I seemed to remember where I had left it." Third note: I just got back from vacation. A special THANK YOU to the many reviewers whose reviews I found in my mailbox and which are in this issue! An equally special THANK YOU to Bitbard for posting CR 299 and my Cumulative Update while I was gone. However, my mailbox is jammed fuller than a whore's cunt at Billy Bob's. I cannot possibly respond to everything without falling way behind in my reviews. Thanks for your comments! Also, if you posted a story on a.s.s.m. during my absence, I'll probably find it. On the other hand, if you posted on a.s.s. and expect me to find it, you had better try sending me a copy instead. Final note: I have received some entries for my most recent contest. However, because I am backlogged, I have to extend the deadline until Aug 28. So there's still time to enter. Here are the rules: About 50 years ago Ray Bradbury wrote a story called "The Veldt." In that story a family has a nursery for their children that includes what we would now call a virtual reality playroom. When the children go into the playroom, they get the authentic feeling of being in an actual veldt - a jungle area populated by mysterious and dangerous animals. Complications arise when the playroom takes on a life of its own - when the virtual reality becomes more real than virtual. You can imagine what happens when Mom and Dad decide to close down the playroom - or you can read the story (which is in Bradbury's book entitled "The Illustrated Man") to see how Bradbury handles the ending. Your job is to write a story based on the general premise of a virtual reality playroom. Feel free to change almost everything. You can have adults rather than children, and you don't need non-human animals at all. In fact, it might be best not to even look at Bradbury's story at all - let your own imagination have full play. Bradbury's story is actually a Frankenstein story with a moral - what happens when we fail to understand technology and its limitations? Your story doesn't have to be like that at all. You don't even need to know that Bradbury himself once said that "man's machines are indeed symbols of his most secret cravings and desires, extra hands put out to touch and interpret the world." Post your stories as you feel they are ready. Send me a copy. Deadline is now August 28. If you think you have submitted a story for this contest, please send me a query to verify that I have received it. I'd hate to lose a good entry in the mass of messages piled on my desktop. One more note: If you are the author of "Airport," please contact me and tell me your name. I received this story as an attached file, but it has no name on it anymore. Listen up: if you want credit for your stories, y'all had better put your name on the top line right under the title and right above the text of the story. Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste |