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"Kat" by Mocha Man (liberation through swinging). McStuff: 4, 8, 7
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"Kat" by Mocha Man. Reviewed by A.M. McStuff, who may be reached at assmastermcstuff@hotmail.com. . Summary -- The narrator is a happily married man whose wife's libido is mysteriously on the rise. He discovers the source: she's "bumping uglies" night after night at a club called "Ladies Choice." He visits said club, lays a woman to whom he is not married, and after a bit of confusion everyone is happy and well-sexed. The writer of this story wants you to like him. I just know it. Picture Tim Meadows of Saturday Night Live, or Don Cheadle of "Boogie Nights" playing the porn-star-with-the-heart-of-gold who really just want to be the proprietor of his own stereo shop. The narrator is an affable and loving man. Easy to get along with, hard to hold a grudge against. But read the first line of the story: "I am one of those men who considered a workaholic." Let's not even quibble with passive voice, a trap often fallen into by this author. Ahem. Where is the "is?" Mocha Man begins the story in the present tense; I find this adds an enticing patina of immediacy to the events a la Scott Turow's "Presumed Innocent." Present tense is not to everyone's taste, but that's okay -- if you don't like it, stick around! The story shifts between present and past tense several times in the first page alone. Even within the same sentence. I threw the printout across the room more than once in frustration. ...But I did pick it up again. There's a sexy story hiding here, written by a clever, decent person who's too lazy to edit. That's more than can be said for most of the stories on ASSM. Mocha Man is capable of capturing precisely the emotions experienced by his characters. Listen to the mental whirlwind of the narrator when he discovers that the woman he's been watching screw another man turns out to be his wife, the eponymous Kat: "Man I didn't know what to think. fourteen million things were running through my mind. Mad, insane, divorce, that was great sex, Theresa was awesome, I love Kat, I wonder if the Nicks were going to make it to the playoffs, I like titties." That's first class writing. Perceptive and funny. So ignore Mocha Man when he asks you in a post script "Please excuse all typos. I am not the best writer." Given the proper editing this story could shine. Let us emphasize a golden rule for ASSM (or any other writing venue): Authors should never submit a first draft for review. Period. Ratings for :Kat" Athena (technical quality): 4 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 |