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"Of Age" by Ashes22 (rape). LeAnna: 5, 4, 2
{Unarchived}
"Of Age" by ashhes22@hotmail.com. Guest review by LeAnna. (This review means only my opinion, nothing more. If it pisses you off, tell yourself that I'm talking out of my ass and have a stiff drink.) Incidentally, this story looked kinda like spam. If you want thousands more There are some good stories in alt.sex.stories. This is not one of them. This is not well-written, and it gives me a vibe... a vibe.... Yes! It was written by a 17-year old guy who wishes he could dominate and control a woman like this! It's done in such a subtle way -- kinda creeps up on you. It *ALMOST* falls into the category of "rape-but-ok-cuz-she-dug-it-man". But this guy musta figured out that it wasn't cool and then tried to hide it in a story it had no business hiding in. If he had *expanded* on the parts that seemed like he was trying to hide it, it could have been so much better. Even if it's the most disgusting story -- WRITE IT as it WANTS to be WRITTEN. There was a prison snuff story written by Wollstonecraft that stands among one of my favorites. Most readers, if the story is good enough, will overlook squick content. The narrator, a male, meets a chick at a grocery store. She invites him to her house for coffee. This led me to believe that the woman was rather dumb, but I overrode that in my head. He does the movie-smooth-guy-act of putting the girl in front of a mirror and showing her how beautiful she is when she, as usual of all females, starts bitching about her looks. And then he, in one smooth move, strips her of all clothing. She says in an icy voice that he should leave. This is the main part, right here, that led me to believe that it was not well-written. It almost seemed as if the author was purposely trying to suppress the nature of the story -- he mentions her unhappiness with him in such an off-hand way that I barely caught it. And then goads her into a blowjob. But she loves it, she's lapping him up. And then she bows to him and thanks him for being so good to her. And the story plays on. If you couldn't guess what my major problem with the plot was... read the preceding paragraph again. Technically, the sentences were too long, mauled commas as an additive to our English language, and sort of, went off point and topic, a little bit like this, which was the same way that her hair lay on her head. If the author wants a couple of extra periods, I've got some laying around here. In any case, I'm giving it very low technical points because the author didn't even try to proofread it. If s/he had, he'd have caught the commas out there all the way in space , and lassoed them in to the corral. Misuse of ye olde comma bugs me. Sadly, next to the previous story that Celeste sent me (which went unreviewed), this was incredibly intelligent and literate. I also consider this part of the technical score: many of the events were non sequiturs. For instance, in the third paragraph, no dialogue, she says that her boyfriend thinks she's stupid. So the narrator replies, "but you're such a good conversationalist!" Don't show me. TELL ME, please. I want to find out -- I don't want to be told. Another nit: don't repeat words or similar words (unless you happen to be having fun playing with them.) But don't say, "And so she bent over, so she could show me her shiny twat, so I sunk my shivering sword into her slick hole." It's not a tongue-twister, it's a paragraph. Incidentally, the title? "Of Age". The author mentioned _once_ that she was 19. In no way did he show her innocence that the title implied. If he thought her reluctance meant innocence... I wouldn't want this narrator anywhere near me, and I'm nowhere near a sweet little girl. Authors: Aspire to be the best you can be. If you don't trust your own proofreading, well, for goodness' sake, just email Celeste and she'll loan out one of her bitches. :-) At least give it a honest effort. Trust me, the reader can tell. Most of the time. Athena (technical quality): 5 Venus (plot & character): 4 LeAnna (appeal to reviewer): 2 |