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Celestial Reviews 281 - May 8, 1998 Note: Faster Than Contest: I know this is really gauche, but so far MY entries are the best. Kim has also submitted a few good ones: Faster than a speeding bullet... nah, too clicheed. Faster than a speeding train... nah, too obvious. Faster than a speeding snail... nah, too surreal. Faster than a speeding upper... nah, too clever. Faster than a speeding ticket... nah, too silly. Faster than a speeding ahead... nah, don't make sense. Faster than a speeding gone czar less... hmmmm, bit weird. Faster than a speeding thing that's really fast... nah, too prosaic. Faster than a speeding reviewer when confronted by her victims... maybe. Faster than a speeding carrot shot out of Taria... yeah, like that. About as fast as my brain, first thing in the morning... true, but not funny. About as fast as Eli's recent moderation... too bitchy. About as fast as a guy offers to massage your feet after shopping all day... too dull. About as fast as a guy deciding he's bored now that he's come... nothing new. About as fast as I think of another better one after I've sent these off. Faster than a speeding cumshot, Sandman chimed in with these: Faster than a tachyon. And for those of you who aren't science buffs -- tachyon (tàk´ê-òn´) noun A hypothetical subatomic particle that travels faster than the speed of light. - tach´yon´ic adjective If ya *REALLY* wanna go in for overkill try: Faster than a tachyon on steroids. :-) -- Sandman {Making a fool of himself faster than he can prematurely ejaculate -- which has never happened BTW, at least not recently... to me.} I am tempted to use the tachyon on steroids in my HS English class, but I wouldn't know how to react when the students started to smirk, because they might realize that I must read a.s.s. I think instead I'll just wait and see how many of my students use this one. But listen, this is alt.SEX.stories! Can't we work some sex into these metaphors? My own entries are Faster than an adolescent's first cumshot on prom night. About as fast as I told him to stop nibbling my clit. {meaning real slow} Faster than the orgasms of Young Innocent Girls Being Forced To Have Sex with Naughty Nekid Cheerleaders Who Want to Be Fucked in front of my Brand New Spy Camera! Faster than you can CUM FUCK MY ASS!!!!!! Faster than sailors make the sign of the eight-legged aardvark in a whorehouse on payday. Faster than spam on the Internet. {OK, so not all my ideas are perverted.} Come on! Think dirty. Some of these suggestions have been about as focused as a fart in a windstorm and as lively as a necrophiliac's partner. - - Aha, things are picking up: Godiva posted these on a.s.s.d.: 1) "Faster than an Evelyn Woods graduate searching for the naughty bits." 2) "Faster than a Skinhead representative at the Million Man March." 3) "Faster than a condemned mass murderer discovering Jesus." 4) "Faster than the wilting woody on a homophobe who's just discovered he's bedded a Drag Queen." 5) "As fast as the line-up for oral sex from the world's champion female yodeller." and LadyBear added: Faster than ..."Faster, faster! Don't stop! Oh YES FASTER!" - - Now we're talking: E.Z. Riter (who is obviously from Georgia) added these: Faster than a duck hopping on a June bug. Faster than slipping on greased owl shit. Faster than a one legged man at an ass kicking contest. Faster than Lottie drops her drawers. Faster than a one armed paper hanger in a high wind. Faster than a Clinton denial. Faster than Matt's pistol firing (do I need to explain that one). Faster than Baptists (Catholics, whatever) leaving after the sermon. Faster then the U.S. Mail Faster than a U.S. male Faster than a undertaker at a two dollar funeral. - - Watcher (who is slicker than snot on a penis) added these: Faster than teen age sex. Faster than Slick Willy's zipper. Faster than a "Oh, God, it's my husband!" exit. Faster than a desperate woman. Faster than a guy jumps out of bed afterwards. Faster than a speed reader. - - Without actually entering the Contest, Daphne noted that the composer Robert Schumann wrote at the beginning of one of his compositions: "To be played as fast as possible." A few measures later, he wrote: "Faster." Second note: Last week I published a review of a story about a priest getting horny while listening to a penitent confess her sins. I asked whether anyone knew much about how priests handled confessions of sexual sins. One correspondent responded with this story: When our nun was teaching us to confess, she told us that if we couldn't think of any sins to confess, that itself was a sin of pride. We could always confess to being disrespectful to our parents, lying, fighting with our siblings, and other sundry deeds, since any normal person did these things anyway. She did not specify why these things were sins if they were normal. She said we should always have 10 sins to confess. We used to exchange sins at recess. One of the best I ever heard was from a kid who shared a double bed with his brother. He brought it up when we were confessing sexual sins - apparently because he thought sex was dirty and this was certainly dirty. He confessed that he farted in bed and then pulled the sheets up over his little brother's head. Third note: I have been too busy lately. I have delayed this issue until May 8, thinking that if I took an extra couple of days, I could put it together right. I am also planning the next two issues to be Monday May 11 and Sat May 16. I'll probably review just as many stories, just in three issues instead of four. The result is that I'll skip one issue, but this strategy should get me back on track. Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste |