about us:
This is the weblog journal of a Mistress, "Miss Emily" and her slaveboy, "puto" exploring a BDSM
based on exploiting the sexual potential of orgasm control and orgasm denial, using some
cock and ball torture and watersports methods.
"puto" is an American man who finds fulfilment in relinquishing control of his dominant
libido driven personality, and insights it gives into his own issue-laden condition.
He enjoys the forsenic examination of his personality as it suffers under tightening
control, and basks in the attention that that entails.
Miss Ginger is puto's life partner and sometime sexual partner.
Miss Emily and puto entered into an intense five month training session during the spring
and summer of 1998, at the end of which puto broke, and fled from his training regime.
Nontheless, puto always regarded himself in Miss Emily's debt for having allowed him to
experience the most intense and fulfilling submissive relationship he'd ever had.
With Miss Emily's permission, puto briefly entered into the service of her sister, Miss Kate,
over the 2000 holiday period, till cut short by outside cirsumstances. Now, Miss Emily
and puto have picked up the tread of their relationship, and seek again to explore themselves
through the lens of submission and control.
Friday, January 31, 2003
puto: Staying on the Path
Miss Emily. Today the body of my cock is swollen and puffy, a result of the whippings. The head is still shredded raw, and is producing a watery liquid, much like a broken blister would make. The tiny lacerations made my cockshaft by the cheese shredder are all but gone, and I don't even see remnants of their existence. My balls remain tight and up against my body, as is their usual state.
While showering this morning, the hot water caused more burning when it hit the raw, exposed flesh of my meatus, the sensation very similar to the salt and pepper rubbed into it yesterday.
My fetishising of pain is what I perceived as love from my parents, since they didn't shower me with physical or emotional affections. One of my strongest memories is of the night my father stopped giving me a bedtime hug, which I perceived as a punishment, even though it was the queaziness with his own sexuality that caused him to stop showing affection, especially to a boy. He never knew how devastated I felt regarding that night.
The beatings were the only time I felt I was given attention...any form of attention... and it was after being beaten that mum would caress and console me, further locking me into the conditioned state of cross-wiring the connection between pain and pleasure. Today, life does indeed feel both numb and flat when there is no pain involved. I both love and hate this condition, for when I don't have it I want it, and when I do receive pain I feel just the opposite, and wish not to have it. I often feel confused afterwards, which is just another form of staying in a state of not having to take responsibility for myself.
I don't spend much time in my body, and it's difficult for me to be present in any given moment, as I often float about in my thoughts and internal fantasy worlds. This is also a product of the beatings, as it didn't feel safe to be in my body as a child. Through the intensity of pain, I am able to feel my body. Yes, pain was the reward for existing in my household. You hit the nail on the head when You say that life, at my worst times, doesn't feel worth living, and I actually slip into feeling suicidal when my life feels too flat for too long a period of time.
Medically, I'm probably manic-depressive, but don't wish to take drugs to even my emotions. Only yesterday I spoke with a friend who has been on Prozac, and he detailed the numbness of emotion while taking it.....he didn't feel his pain, but he didn't feel happy either....it just another form of numbness.
No, I am not normal. I still experience pain as pleasure. And yes, my self-esteem is shit. Thank You for pointing out the pattern of how I keep creating a win-win situation for my broken psyche. My ejaculation the other day was an attempt to assert my own needs.....and it was my first attempt to ever do so. Should I ever master that assertion, being a masochist will no longer be part of my life, and most likely, neither will this sort of relationship. But right now I find deep, deep pleasure in my situation.
Yes, sex plays the single most important part of my life. While some people are driven by money, career, family, etc., sex is what drives me. This is something I've been aware of since I was twenty years old.
Please know that my erectile performance is a state that is common to men who have undergone orgasm denial for any period of time. A very attentive woman from the orgasm denial board was keen enough to post a message to the group regarding the phases she has observed her husband go through during his training. After reading her post I better understood my own passage through these phases as something common to all men who are trained in orgasm control. Differences may manifest in the time necessary for each man to pass through any given phase, but otherwise I can report that the stages are indeed as mentioned.
For the knowledge and use of all who read this page, I will post these now...
Written by Ms. Jill:
"I know from my own personal experience teasing hubby that he goes through different phases as his "denial" progressess, both physically, sexually and emotionally.
After the first day of "teasing & denying" him, his balls start to feel heavier and they tend to tighten up a bit.
The following day he usually has a bad case of "blue balls" in the morning.
By the 3th or 4th day, the slightest sight of my body will make his cock stand at attention
Then by the 5th day of constant teasing, he has problems sleeping at night, lol.
By The 7th day, his balls usually swell to the size of a "tennis ball", lol
After 9 or 10 days, he starts to get more irritable from not being allowed to cum.
If I tease him for more than 14 days, his cock gets 3/4 hard instead of fully hard, so I know that he's reached his teasing limit and it's time to let him cum."
To the above I'd like to add that allowing a man to ejaculate at given intervals may be more tortuous than keeping him chastized for long periods, as his sexual arousal will be increased and his erections more firm.
In closing, I'd like to thank You for digging Your talons deeper into my head and fucking with my mind. It may take a few days for my penis to heal before I can repeat my punishment, and I will report daily throughout the days ahead, so You will know the condition of my cock...
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Emily: Further Punishment
And there was me thinking that your addiction to pain-induced highs was result of the self-disgust of low esteem: the fetishising of pain as an instrument to cut through the numbness of loveless parents; the stimulus that pain and anger at least mean you’re being noticed; the expectation that pain is the reward for existing, and that without it, existence is at best flat, and at worst, not worthwhile. All things that a normal person would want to correct by jettisoning the baggage of pain-addiction, and replacing it with higher self-esteem.
But then, you’re not normal, are you. You experience pain as pleasure. You regress into infantile silence when faced with your failure to adhere to a simple regime: both courting punishment (= pain reward), or rejection (= only what you see yourself as worth). A win-win for the damaged psyche. A defeat for the adult who masters their own situation by asserting their own needs and acknowledging their weaknesses.
I don’t believe that you are sorry that you failed in your desexualisation training as I do not believe that you are serious in your orgasm denial aims. You want your orgasm denied so that you can experience heightened sexuality, not lower your sex-dependence. Sex plays a central role in your life, and you have no real interest in exploring what you might become if the energy and attention that you devote it were redirected somewhere else.
Your performance of your punishment was satisfactory. You again one point of grace for it [current total -1]. However, the news that you allowed yourself to ejaculate without my express permission saddens me, after all the attention. I will subtract only one point [current total -2] in the light of your attempt to stop yourself.
I am concerned about the decline in your erectile performance. Once the lacerations to your penis have healed, you are to repeat the punishment with three differences: firstly, only use salt this time – as I want your penis healed as quickly as possible; secondly, after you have washed off the salt, you will masturbate yourself orgasm using whatever visual materials may help; and thirdly, for the next twenty-four hours you are ordered to masturbate as frequently as possible, encouraging the full release and forceful release your of seamen. As your penis tires, you may apply anal stimulation.
Thereafter, you may rest, and report on the erectile and physical condition of your penis, in preparation to further training and renewed punishment.
Miss Emily, I have just finished my punishment, and my cock is quite shredded. Beginning with the cheese grater, I stretched out my cock and began stroking with the implements tiny rough spikes. The feeling was quite stimulating and my cock rose quickly from the attention, though I still do not acquire an extremely hard erection these days....it's one of the effects of being denied for such a long period, and though I spilled some seed recently, it hasn't affected this outcome.
After a few minutes I began pressing deeper into the flesh with the grater, stroking the top and both sides of the shaft. Small trails began to become visible, and eventually tiny streaks of blood began to flow from the scratched skin of my cock. I continued for a few more minutes before switching to a piece of 60 grit sandpaper. Initially the paper felt really good, and the further stimulation slightly increased the hardness of my cock. I kept stroking for five minutes before checking to see what effect the paper was having on my penis. To my surprise, the skin behind the head received the most abrasion. As You know, this is a man's "sweet spot"...the highly sensitive part of the penis, that when rubbed puts a man over the edge. Three quarters of the skin was rubbed raw, but it didn't bleed like the scratches on the shaft.
Satisfied that this met Your requirement and satisfaction, I moved to the next stage of my discipline, and chose the Mexican riding quirt to deliver the thirty strong blows to my member. Some landed squarely on the shaft, while I directed others onto the tip of the offending member. Thirty lashes was all I could take by my own hand, and I had to recover from some of the more intense falls by waiting a moment before striking with the next lashing.
I cringed at the thought of having to perform the next installation, namely that of rubbing the salt and pepper onto my now wounded and burning cock. The heat on the skin produced from the beatings was nothing compared to the searing intensity of the poultice I rubbed into the broken flesh. I centred myself on my servitude to You, reminding myself that this was/is for my own good. It was a good thing Miss Ginger was not here to hear my shrieks as I rubbed the mixture into my battered cock. I set the timer on my computer, and loweing to my knees I placed my hands behind my head, waiting for the timer to tell me when I could wash the salt/pepper from my recoiling member. I chanted aloud the mantra "I remain grateful to You for Your continued Domination of me". Tears began running down my cheeks, but I held steadfast, my desire to be secured more tightly to You overriding the urge to wash the pain from my cock.
When the buzzer sounded I placed the wide-mouth quart mason jar before me, and kneeling over it, emptied my bladder. I dipped a sock into the jar, and lightly began to wash my cock with the bright, golden liquid. It too, burned, it's own salt biting into the wounds. The pain was so intense it made me gasp, but I continued to wash away the mix, albeit slowly.
Afterwards I looked at the piss, and thought that I shouldn't waste it, but realizing that I didn't have permission to drink YOUR piss (it was warm), I poured it into the toilet and flushed it into the cities sewer system.
My cock is very tender, and I am grateful for the nature and direction of my relationship with You. Thank You for humbling and placing me back in my proper place beneath You. I wish to maintain my submission to You for fully intensive training, and shall do my best not to disobey You, though I am appreciative for this clause You have provided in our contract.
I intentionally acted quickly in exercising Your order to ravage my cock, so You would not have to wait long before disciplining me again, for my most recent infraction. I sincerely hope You find todays performance satisfactory, and will be rereading and integrating the words of Your last post, to my core, as I await further punishment....
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Thursday, January 30, 2003
puto: Confessions
Dear Ms. Emily, I apologize for not having adequately communicated my failure to adhere to desexualization training, and understand Your need to punish me. I most certainly reached level five (crazed and overwhelmed by desire) without telling You directly and to the point. I have ceased my daily devotions, and will refrain from stimulating my cock unless You give me permission to do so...
Thank you for being stern with me. It's true that I am addicted to the high induced through pain. In further truth, I'd like to wean myself from all my other addictions but this one. As You fuck my mind further, please realize that my last post was written from the subconscious, and that You are pointing out elements that I'm awakening to just now. In a way, I'm sorry my submission devolved into a chore, as I will not know what lied on the other side of that particular portal.
The practice of my submission without the inclusion of pain really was unfamiliar territory. I have definitely been conditioned to incorporate pain into both my servitude and life, and try as I might to walk back through this door, well, you can see it's all but impossible for me to do. It's so true that once painful-pleasure has been tasted it cannot be turned away from, and the high is definitely addictive.
I need to report that two nights ago I slipped, and ejaculated while performing my masturbatory services to You. I was in bed, practicing one of my twenty minute devotions. The orgasm rose very quickly and abruptly, as they sometimes do, and I wasn't able to withold before shooting a small amount of cum. I pulled my hand away as quickly as I could and compressed the energy in my genitals, and was able to interrecpt a full-blown pleasureable ejaculation. But nonetheless I released some ejaculate. I know that this is cause for further, extreme measures on Your part, and I am ready to accept and take responsibility for my failure, as I don't want to withold from YOU... that would be the single most inappropriate form of witholding I could ever practice.
Thank You for the current pain you are about to instill in me. I will perform the prescribed torture on my cock later today. The struggle with my desexualization, and Your ownership of my orgasms and cock shall remain foremost in my mind as I torture my cock for You. It is interesting to note that I was just reading some material about the control of unruly, sexually aroused boys by Governess' in the Victorian Era. The torture You are prescribing is nearly identical to what was being implemented then, and I am sending You the entire document as a small gift, for Your entertainment.
As per Your order, here is the list of tools and devices I have on hand for you to incorporate into punishing me with the use of pain:
spring-loaded clothes pins sterile hypodermic needles leather strap measuring 3-1/2 inches x 15 inches leather strap measuring 1-3/4 inches x 10 inches leather belt Ms. Dana's belt enema kit sterile, 14 gauge Foley catheter locking air pump with balloon (for anal insertion) various assortment and sizes of clamps (C clamps and spring clamps) wooden rice paddle plastic kitchen spoons of various lengths small whip (multiple 7-1/2 inch falls) Mexican riding quirt, made with deer-leg handle (two stiff, braided leather falls, 8 inches long) cheese grater hair brush
Puto. Hmmm, so you are struggling with the desexualisation of orgasm control. You want the pain. You need the pain. And without it, submissiveness is just a bit of a chore.
The pain isn't a result of your emotional damage, or your parental issues, or an outcome of a dubious set of low rent B movie life choices. The pain is your high, your drug. The pain is your apple of sexual knowledge. Once tasted, never to be turned away from.
Well, since you want the pain. Since you become neuter and desexualised without it. You can have it. Just not all at once, and not without deserving it.
BEHAVIOUR You will be required to behave in one of five distinct ways, depending on the circumstances and my mood:
1. Devotions - These are actions that have no intrinsic value, they don't teach you anything or necessarily bring pleasure or pain. They are undertaken to celebrate your submission to me.
2. Training - These are exercises designed to either secure you to me more tightly, or make you work through some personal issue you have. Call me an inveterate teacher, but a lot of things I will demand that you do will be to train you in service, and train you in greater self-awareness.
3. Punishments - You will be punished when you displease me, or sometimes just when I want to transfer some of my own angers on to you. You have expressed that you are not attracted to pain, nor have sexualised it. Which is fine, when appropriate we will discuss what is meaningful to you. I'm not huge into punishment, but I'm not squeamish about applying it either.
4. Gifts - You may receive gifts from me, or offer me gifts. These may include photos, poems, stories, or, if I take control of your orgasms - permission to climax. Gifts are important in my relationship with my submissive.
5. Petitions - You may petition me to be allowed to do something, I may grant it, or require you to earn it, or refuse it.
SAFETY Your physical and particularly emotional safety is important to me and should be to you too. It is my responsibility not to damage you while I fuck with your head.
As part of that you have the ultimate right to refuse to obey me: but you'll have to give reasons, and I may well demand you perform an alternative.
SCORING I will use a simple scoring system to help remind me how much you are in my grace or disgrace, and how you'd earn gifts, or simply as a way of gauging my own feelings towards you. In such a system, each thrill or kindness or delight or heavy cum or pleasant surprise would earn a point, and each irritation and annoyance and presumption and needy demand and disrespect would subtract a point.
FIRST TASK | 1. Devotion | You may not perform any devotion activity, as you are not in my grace currently.
2. Training | At the earliest opportunity, you will:
a. Stimulate you penis to full erection using a blunt serrated edged implement - such as a fruit zester. Draw long slow stroke along the length of you’re stretched out penis with enough force to make red grooves appear. Alternatively, masturbate your penis with coarse grain sandpaper.
b: Once erect, use a cord, flex, or whip to lash you penis with 30 strong horse-whips, or more, if you penis is not too lacerated.
c: Take a powder made up half a teaspoon of salt and half of pepper and rub along the length of your penis and around your cock head. Keep the powder on for 10 minutes, if possible.
d: Wash penis with urine. This maybe warm.
3. Punishments | This first task is a punishment for having inconvenienced me.
4. Gifts | You are not deserving of gifts.
5. Petitions | You may not petition me.
6. Score | You have -2 points. -1 Point for having inconvenienced me into preparing this all for you. -1 Point for not having adequately communicated your failure to adhere to the desexualisation training.
7. Additional Task | Describe to be currently catalogue of tools and devices to had that will extend my pain promoting opportunities.
Miss Emily, the direction of my servitude away from a path that includes lots of pain is proving interesting. Without pain, which I am so accustomed to receiving, I'm a bit confused how to go about worshipping. Receiving pleasure has also reached a limit, and my cock only gets about 3/4 erect whenever given any stimulation.
I've been performing some of my worship in other areas of the house. A trip to the shed was invigorating, and dropping my pants in the cold shelter was refreshing, bringing back a memory of lying naked in the snow from the waist down as a teenager and masturbating. Only this time I didn't cum!
Before I begin my sessions I like to piss into the special cup I've dedicated to receiving Your warm urine. Locked alone inside the shed, a misty steam rose from the glass as the pee arced from my penis, the golden liquid making the glass sing a musical note that breaks the silence. It's timbre changes as the cup fills. As the last of my bladder empties, I looked inward to see Your smiling face watch me raise the glass to my lips and drink. The warmth of the liquid contrastes with the cold air, it's salty flavor a subtle soup of blended ingredients ingested some time before.
I smile at You and continue drinking, wishing to finish while Your nectar is still warm. The connection between mouth and crotch is always a nice place to begin these sessions, a sort-of switch that begins the sexual energy flowing. When the glass is empty I place it aside and lick the dildo, turning up the amperage and demonstraring my technique for sucking cock. More energy flows down my spine and into my own penis. I reach to provide more enticement, stroking for a minute or so before lubricating the dildo.
Leaning into the workbench, I spread my legs and probe my arse for the brown puckered entrance of my rectum, all while continuing to rub my cock with the opposing hand. The well lubricated head of the rubber penis begins to make its way through the opening, slowly widening my tiny bud to accept its width. The purple, silicone cock is about the size of an average man's, about six inches long and two inches in diameter. Deeper into my arse it goes, until I've swallowed it entirely into my rectum. With defined movement I begin sliding it in and out of myself with my right hand, as the left continues tugging my cock.
It never takes long during these sessions for my cock to reach the threshold of ejaculation, the weeks of witheld jism willingly seeking release. Today is no different, and the surge of cum race through my balls, running up my urethrea in an attempt to release in a stream of spurting liquid. I have to stop stroking, on both ends, or be overwhelmed by the sensation. My mind is numb, but retains the clarity of my commitment to submit my ejaculations to You.
I squeeze my buttocks, and taking a deep breathe, simultaneously visualize the cum being pulled back down my urethrea and into my ballsac. Muscles relax with the exhalation of breath, and another ejaculation has been confined. After a couple more deep breathes I masturbate again, repeating the procedure.
This time my minds eye project an image of You standing naked before me. I am kneeling, and Your pussy is at eye level, Your shaven, exposed lips taunting me with their pink, wet lusciousness. I stroke my cock again, and leaning slowly toward You plant light kisses, then reach with my tongue to lick some of the juices springing from Your cunt. Working diligently, I nuzzle ever deeper into your Womanhood, enticing Your clitoris from behind it's hood. Teasing the erect nub with my tongue, I stroke it to full erectness, and continue lapping until a shuddering orgasm resonates up Your legs and into the glistening, wet chamber.
I stroke myself quickly, the rapid pace bringing me again to the edge of explosion. Once more I squeeze my buttocks, the straining muscles pulling at the white cream and keeping it from bursting forth.
At the end of my allotted time, I dress and sit in contemplation. For the life of me I am uncertain what steps I might take to better improve my current circumstances. Perhaps You'd like me to degrade myself further for You....I just don't know. Travelling this journey without using implements of pain or torture is unfamiliar territory, and is something I am going to have to contemplate further, but to date I find this training life enhancing through the use of the will needed to continue. And this is power I can use daily, in general life.
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Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Emily: Wednesdays
puto, you may perform your full hour worship on Wednesdays, the mid-week "hump" nature of the day will provide a suitable focus to the rythym of your servitude. As for your arse, rework the soreness in your arse from a pain, into a pleasure that remind you of your service to me. But I haven't stipulated the size or level of lubrication permited for the anal intrusion. So you'll have to take responsibility for increasing the lubrication and/or decreasing the size until the persistent soreness is removed. Find a balance point between the anal invasion being plesantly challenging and painfully self-harming. Reflect on this balance point as a wider metaphor for your life.
Miss Emily, thank You for continuing to be the gatekeeper of my ejaculations. I apologize for not being outstandingly impressive in my servitude, but as mentioned previously, my cock seems to have acquiesced into accepting its current subjugation. My arse, however, is now a bit sore from several days worth of intrusion.
Seeking the explosive release of orgasm doesn't seem so very important anymore. You've become the central hub of my submissive servitude, and the extensive practice of exerting Your will seems to have won the my inner contest of ego vs. id.
My heart remains light and happy for the continued opportunity to serve You, and I look forward to being Your toilet slave again. Thank You for showering me with the favorable pleasure of imbibing Your warm piss. I delight in the intimacy of this act which many wouldn't even consider trying.
I'd like to ask permission to change the days when I am granted a full hour of sexual stimulation, as Saturday and Sunday do not provide an optimum time for me to serve You with the proper attention You deserve. Any time between Monday and Thursday are much more suitable, given both Miss Ginger's and my work schedules.
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Thursday, January 09, 2003
Emily: Linking Sex and Life
puto, I enjoyed the image of Miss Ginger dallying with your cock. A nice happy accident.
In considering the next phase of your training, I find your performance annoyingly adequate. A B+ if you like. Not outstandingly impressive — though there have been several bright spots. But with few failures, needing little correction. From which I conclude, I am not placing you under enough strain to test and challenge you. So I have constructed a new regime, an enhancement on the old one, in which you are granted the freedom to impress, at the price of having think through and take steps to enhance the quality of your life.
1. I will continue to withold the gift of orgasm from you. At the end of this month you will - probably - have an opportunity for release.
2. You will focus on me by denying yourself all contact with porn and other sexual stimulation, from checking-out pretty girls upwards (unless the stimulation is from Miss Ginger).
3. You will worship me twice a day. You are at liberty to decide when and where, with an eye to how this might impress or delight me. During each worship, you will proceed through the following steps:
a. Centre yourself by drinking my warm urine. One mug - 500ml - should suffice. As you drink focus me and reflect on road we have travelled together.
b. Stimulate yourself for 20 minutes (exception: on Saturday and Sunday, you are to stimulate yourself during one of the two daily sessions for a full hour). You have license to creatively enhance the simulation in ways you feel would impress or delight me. This does not include any instrument of torture or pain, nor making yourself vulnerable to public humiliation.
c. End by meditating for five minutes on your current circumstances and reflect on what small steps you can undertake to improve it. Report those steps so that I can track that your Service to me is proving life enhancing.
4. You are allowed to frequent your bdsm message boards for knowledge and companionship, but obviously not for stimulation.
Miss Emily, my first nights masturbation with a dildo up my arse was a success in stimulating my resistant cock to stand at attention with firm hardness. The fifteen minutes pass quickly, my cock attempting to erupt three times during the teasing. My focus remains strong as I keep You at the centre of my attention during the training session, the internal picture of Your slender frame hovering above me, watching me while I tug and pull at my rigid, emasculated pole. The lilt of Your English accent entices me to fulfill each nights debasement with abandon, teasing me to the brink of explosion. Yet I continue to withold the creamy spunk inside my loins, having not received permission to eject the white frosting from the purple, swollen stick between my legs.
Drifting to sleep, I drop into a calm slumber. The night passes, and I open my eyes from a deep sleep to find Miss Ginger crawling into my bed. Snuggling up to me, placing Her head into my chest, we drift in quiet silence, half awake and half asleep. I begin stroking Her back, my hands exploring the contours of Her shoulders and ribs. Dropping lower, She coo's with pleasure as I begin massaging the area surrounding Her sacrum. A moment later Her hand drops to my already hard cock and begins stroking it ever-so-gently through the spandex leggings I've worn to bed. For nearly thirty minutes we remain like this. At times I thrust my cock into the air, reaching for Her hand with a gesture of presenting myself. Without words I'm begging for more intense frottage, but Her touch remains light. Staying in the moment, I enjoy the sensation. She doesn't know that She is assisting You with my training. The only item missing is the dildo up my arse, and I find myself hoping that You won't be insulted. Eventually we rise and head toward the kitchen, filling the kettle to brew our morning tea. I piss away my harness, and sink back into the void of sexlessness, knowing that later tonight I will invade my arse with the dildo again....
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Monday, January 06, 2003
puto: A Sterner Test
Mistress Emily, it's with a glad heart that I submit my arse to You as part of my ongoing training. I hadn't read Your latest post until after performing this mornings session of arousal, otherwise I would have included the new instruction immediately. Please know that I will work my arse with the dildo beginning tonight. Attuned, You seem to know just what my body needs for stimulation, as my cock had to be coerced into rising during both last night's and this morning's masturbation sessions. While my first couple weeks without ejaculation created feelings of suffering, my body now seems to have accepted the imposition of denial. It no longer painfully resists when I pull the surging cum from the tip of my cock back toward my swollen balls, but instead surrenders to the action of my new conditioning. I look forward to pleasing You with the new effect of having my arse invaded while masturbating, and will report the first results in my next post. I can never reiterate too much the appreciation I feel at being collared by You, and will continue to gratefully follow every order laid before me. You are simply the best! With focused intent I hope to eventually reach the state of grace where You will grant me the privelege of an ejaculation. Only if Miss Ginger wants my sexual services will I allow the cum to explode from my balls, but I don't expect this to happen anytime in the near future. In the meantime, I continue to refrain from viewing any outside pornographic stimulation, and centre myself on You as my only current sexual partner. Thank You for the pain, the pleasure, the education, and the intimacy that this relationship provides.....You not only have me by the balls, but I am also Yours in heart and spirit as I continue to endure Your sweet, sweet tortures.
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Sunday, January 05, 2003
Emily: The Holidays are Over
puto, I trust the milking, and the return to familiar routine of work and study will allow you to settle down to accept the yoke of training more easily. Note that future hormonal outbursts will be punished. You have pleaded on my sympathies and I have been lenient over the holiday period. But it is time to get serious now. To focus yourself on me, and to place yourself in a state grace where I may permit you … eventually … to reach orgasm.
As a token of this new state, you are to add to the current regime: when you masturbate at the start and end of the day, work a dildo up into your arse as you masturbate. This should prove a sterner test.
Miss Emily, thank You for allowing me to drain myself. I don't know how the Pope, clergy or mystics go about balancing themselves, but there are real dangers involved in preventing ejaculations for extended periods, at least according to two articles I've read.
Unlike other glands the prostate is part muscle, and one danger is the weakening of this musculature, which can make the prostate atrophy and thereby lead to problems with emptying the glands contents. A second problem is with regard to an oversupply of prostatic fluid in the gland, which is continuously produced by the prostate....this can apparently create multiple other problems in the ducts, seminal vessicles, etc.
Undoubtedly, the feeling of constipation that I have been perpetually experiencing is the effect of my swollen prostate pressing against other internal organs. So it is with great relief that I performed the milking yesterday afternoon, when Miss Ginger left the house to have Her hair cut. I began my performance naked and kneeling, on all fours, centreing upon my continued gratitude for the privelege and honor of debasing myself for You. After using my mouth and spittle to lubricate the purple, curved, silicone dildo, I inserted it's blunt tip into my anus, slowly guiding it toward my swollen prostate. Probing with the spongy instrument, I moved the shaft in-and-out, changing the angle of insertion until I felt a spasm of intense energy rush up my spine. Focusing on the location of this spot, I worked to press the rubbery cocks head deeper into the mound of my prostate, lowering my face to the floor and raising my arse higher into the air...which made for better contact. My cock remained limp as the clear stream of fluid began dribbling toward the honey colored, wooden floor of my room.
I spent the next fifteen minutes extracting a fair amount of the fluid from within me, visualizing myself at Your feet while I humiliated myself for You, chanting my thanks aloud. When the milking was complete, I lowered my face to the puddle of liquid and lapped the floor dry. I then debased myself for Your further enjoyment by cleaning the dildo with my mouth. Though it was not soiled, I felt this appropriate for the kindness You bestowed upon me, and hope You do too.
The rest of the day was spent resting and voiding myself of sex, as per Your command. This afternoon will mark my twenty four hours of rest, and tonight I will return to my fifteen minute regime of masturbating without ejaculating. My feeling of constipation has subsided, a clear indication that my prostate has shrunk from the milking, and today I feel more balanced emotionally. Thank You for the mercy You bestowed on me by allowing me this relief....
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Thursday, January 02, 2003
Emily: Rest
puto, I don't seem to recall Ghandi or the Pope or even the priests at my school when I was a schoolgirl becoming all hormonal. Which either implies they have a sly wank on the side, or pyshio-chemical explanations of mood swings leave something to be desired. Nonetheless, out of sympathy with Miss Ginger, you are permitted to milk yourself as soon as possible. As both a punishment and a enhancement to the "relief" you are to rest for a full day after you have milked yourself: you will not carry out any devotions, nor masturbate. You will keep yourself in a sexless state, but not strain yourself to do so. When this milking and rest day is complete, you will return to the Interim Regime.
Miss Emily, I've successfully witheld my ejaculations during the first day of my new regime. Four times during the first masturbation session last night, and five times during my mastrbation session this morning, I reached the edge of orgasm. Each time I was able to draw my cum back into my ballsac by taking deep breathes and squeezing my anal sphincter tightly, curling my body inward to pull my spunk into the base of my throbbing cock . I have also been quite successful in lowering my libido to level two, filling myself with Your iron will to control any lustful desires. At 10:00 a.m. my local time I touched base with You for the first time, imagining You might be in the kitchen having supper. Throughout the course of the day I attuned myself with You at the required two hour intervals, reminding myself how forutnate I am to be Your slave, while keeping myself sexually asleep yet potentially potent.
However, I'm once again on an emotional rollercoaster, and find myelf flip-flopping between being centered and being edgy. When I'm edgy, the slightest thing can blow the top off my calmness. The exhibited behaviours are those of a hormonal, teenage boy....namely that of being obnoxious. When they happen I have no self-control, and I don't feel good about the outbursts, as they overwhelm and consume me. The final result is that Ms. Ginger has had to experience these outbursts.
Running this situation by my chums at the orgasm denial board, I asked if any of the men who have gone for long periods of teasing without being allowed release have gone through this sort of mental/emotional entanglement. One fellow was kind enough to respond with the comment that I have an extreme testosterone buildup, and that I'd be a good candidate for milking. As You know, this would entail massaging my prostate without any penile stimulation, thereby draining my balls while keeping me emasculated beneath Your firm hand. While there would be a physical release, it wouldn't be accompanied by a pleasureable ejaculation. The lowering of my testosterone and balancing of my current emotional instability would be a boon to Miss Ginger, and for these reasons I would like to ask for this opportunity to further humiliate myself for You by draining my prostate in this manner. You are doing a wonderful job of breaking me, and I appreciate all the attention You have bestowed upon me....thank You for being such a wonderful Mistress!!!
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Wednesday, January 01, 2003
puto: New Years Resolutions
Miss Emily. As this New Year begins, I resolve the following:
* I will not take for granted Miss Ginger's companionship, friendship, trust, love, generosity, sensitivity, or compassion.
* I will not take for granted Ms. Ginger's support and nurturance in my times of need.
* I will not take for granted the fact that Ms. Ginger has chosen me as her mate.
* I will not take for granted Ms. Ginger's straight sexual nature, and will remember that any attempt to change Her into something She isn't is a distraction into irrelevant fantasy.
* I will not take for granted the commitment of my relationship to Ms. Ginger.
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