about us:
This is the weblog journal of a Mistress, "Miss Emily" and her slaveboy, "puto" exploring a BDSM
based on exploiting the sexual potential of orgasm control and orgasm denial, using some
cock and ball torture and watersports methods.
"puto" is an American man who finds fulfilment in relinquishing control of his dominant
libido driven personality, and insights it gives into his own issue-laden condition.
He enjoys the forsenic examination of his personality as it suffers under tightening
control, and basks in the attention that that entails.
Miss Ginger is puto's life partner and sometime sexual partner.
Miss Emily and puto entered into an intense five month training session during the spring
and summer of 1998, at the end of which puto broke, and fled from his training regime.
Nontheless, puto always regarded himself in Miss Emily's debt for having allowed him to
experience the most intense and fulfilling submissive relationship he'd ever had.
With Miss Emily's permission, puto briefly entered into the service of her sister, Miss Kate,
over the 2000 holiday period, till cut short by outside cirsumstances. Now, Miss Emily
and puto have picked up the tread of their relationship, and seek again to explore themselves
through the lens of submission and control.
Tuesday, December 31, 2002
puto: Re: New Interim Regime
Miss Emily, Thank You for allowing me to touch my cock again!!! Just the thought of being permitted to stroke my cock makes me feel light headed. The last three weeks under Your Dominant rule, without ejaculation, has caused an increase in the voltage of the life force running through my central nervous system. It is true I have not yet mastered this energy, and that I am not able to maintain a perfect state of sexlessness for You, as I am but a neophyte with a desire to become Your full fledged sex slave.
My focus slips easily as a result of the light-headedness and altered state of consciousness in which I currently live. The increase in internal pressure has made it impossible for me to maintain a sexless platform, and this is compounded by the passage of each day without ejaculatory release. I am now suffering, but am appreciative You remain firm in my training.
Please know that after each of my masturbation sessions I will focus on fortifying my will with Yours, as per Your Order. I will also be searching for a manner or technique in which I can further dissolve the spark of my lust. How successful I will be remains to be seen, though at the moment I am aiming to reach the one month mark without ejaculation as a personal goal, while simultaneously reminding myself that my training is not about sexual gymnastics.
Regardless of my fogged mind, I do remain clear of the nature and direction of my relationship with You, maintaining my subservience to You for full, intensive training. Not a moment passes without a thought of You entering my mind....and I remain appreciative of Your willingness to train me as Your submissive Lover and sex toy....Thank You....
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Emily: New Interim Regime
puto, your performance of the punishment was adequate. We will move on. I will prepare a new training regime over the next few days.
In the interim, you will celebrate the gift of my Dominance by being allowed to masturbate for 15 minutes at the start of your day, and at the end. You may not ejaculate. The aim is to steady you. You are clearly incapable of reaching a sexless state of perfect control for me … yet. The turmoil of the holiday and the novelty of being collared again after so on without training and guidance no doubt play there part. I probably expected too much. Never mind. The aim is too allow you a safe space to let you explore Level 4 arousal, as a safety value to stop you inevitably sliding into Level 5 and spoiling your training by ejaculating without permission
Having masturbated without ejaculating, you will focus on lowering your libido back to Level 2. Once every two hours stop and:
1. Re-centre yourself on your lowered libido state
2. Remind yourself of your fortunate servitude to me
3. Convert the 8 hour time difference and speculate to yourself what I might be doing at that moment.
This need only be a short moment’s reflection, lasting a second or two, just a regular touch point during the day to let you feel the firm hand of My Dominance fortifying your will.
Note that while masturbating you will not fantasise about my family. I have not given you that gift.
Levels of Arousal Restated
1. completely asexual – you don’t think about it
2. potentially sexually potent but currently sexless – you think about it but it has no effect on you
3. vaguely randy – you think about it and you like run with the thought
Miss Emily, I arose early, with passion in my heart. Stripping off my night clothes, I lowered onto my knees and pulled the clear glass container from beneath the bed. Looking inward, I centred on my Servitude to You, thinking about the comment You made regarding how my desire for what is to come leads me away from appreciating what I have in the present moment. Raising the glass to eye level, I gazed inside to study the yellow liquid. Some precum floated near the surface, and some sat on the bottom of the jar. I gave Praise to You for this opportunity to be on my knees, submitting to You, then raised the jar to my mouth. The aroma of the urine reached my nose before the first sip entered my mouth, a pleasantly mild smell which dropped me further into submission. Sipping my first mouthful, I allowed myself to savor its taste before swallowing...it was lightly salty, and not at all strong in flavor.
I thought about my training to come, and how it will follow the pattern of witholding and enduring via Your firm hand. Perhaps on occasion You will even allow me a release. The emotional turbulence I exhibited two days ago gives testimony that I am not yet entirely broken, that an internal persona still rises to resist my submission. This trickster is tempting me to ejaculate without Your permission, and through sheer will power I have been able to parry his attacks by reminding myself that I now belong to You, and not him.
I align myself with the pleasure I feel while being on my knees, and drink deeply from the jar. "We are here to prepare you for full and intense training"....Your words echo inside my head. I sip more of the piss, and a slight tingle of sexual arousal fills my loins. "Thank You Miss Emily", I chime internally, grateful for the perverted, delightful energy buzzing inside my body. Each sip of the cold piss reaches my cock, tickling it with pleasant sensations, yet it remains limp and flaccid as I imbibe more of the piss.
Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for, and am fully realizing it in this moment. I continue to follow Your Order to deny myself access to pictures of people performing sexual acts, and remain in the stew of my own sexual juices. My only stimulus right now is You. I think about other things You've told me...things like "It's going to be a long time before I'm allowed to cum again", and "It remains Your prerogative to decide how long this training session will last". The chill that runs through me increases the flame beneath the pot of my sexuality.
As I finish drinking the piss I focus on the moment, not jumping ahead to wonder what tomorrow will bring, keeping in mind with clarity the nature of our relationship. I remain centred in the spirit of my exercises, with no attempt to show-off, while remaining sexually under Your control. Thank You for allowing me the privelege of drinking my piss and entertaining You with my submission....I am very lucky to be Your slave.
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puto: Hurtling the Wall
Miss Emily. I had to hurtle the wall I was hitting, so I turned to kindling the flicker of pride I have in being an accomplished submissive. For three weeks now I have not ejaculated, and have remained strong in my training. Stroking my ego with further encouragement, I felt it was time I got on with entertaining You by performing my punishment, especially since You've been so patiently waiting.
I decided that dinner would be a good time to intake the 1-1/2 litres of water again, and this time I was focused on enduring the session with gratitude. Ms. Ginger and I ate late, and as soon as we finished I boiled water to make herbal tea. Since I currently have a cold it was a good cover-up for what I was really doing. To avoid drawing suspicion, I felt it better that I drink the entire amount in more time than the original twenty minutes allotted, so I took an hour to drink the required 1-1/2 litres. I hope You don't mind that this detail was changed.
Two hours into the punishment the pressure on my bladder was mildly stimulating. It was approaching bedtime, and Ms. Ginger retired to Her room to read. I retreated to my chamber, where I laid down to meditate upon my Servitude to You. Slowly and steadily the pressure built, pressing my internal organs. I fantasized about kneeling before You, my face buried in Your snatch while I thanked You for humbling me and taking control of my cock.
As the pressure intensified I wondered if I would be able to make myself erect at the end of the four hours. I looked forward to touching my cock, dreaming of the pleasureable sensations that my firm strokes would soon bring.
More fantasies filled my mind.....in one I was sex slave to Your entire family, made to suck, fuck and pleasure each member in whatever way they wished to use me, all while being denied my own orgasmic release. In another I was Your piss slave, kneeling before You as You sprayed me with Your golden waters.
Finally, the hour of release arrived. I wasn't in the type of pain I experienced last time, where I was immobilized. Instead, a constant dull pressure was pushing against me from inside....it was a comfortable pain, simultaneously painful and arousing.
Dropping my spandex tights to my ankles, I kneeled and began stroking my cock. After a minute without results I brought out some hand cream and applied it to the chocolaty skin of my penis, rubbing it into the flesh around the head. Blood began filling the shaft, and with a few more strokes my cock was standing at full attention. It felt so good that I didn't want to stop, and I continued stroking while my minds eye manifested Your face before me. You had Your face clasped in Your hands while You looked at me impishly....it was the artistic photo You had sent me some months ago which was forming before me.
The surge of energy rose up my cock so quickly that I had to stop stroking and squeeze my ass muscles to hold back the load in my cum filled balls. Knowing what I had to do next, I lay my pulsing cock on the table, and hit it with the handle of the flyswatter I purchased in Mexico to use specifically for penis punishment. The rigid flesh rose up off the table and twitched in mid-air. I stroked it again before placing it onto the table for it's second slap, the ejaculate again wanting to spurt forth. Since today is the thirtieth, four slaps were in order....so twice more I stroked myself to ensure that I was fully erect before placing my pulsing organ onto the table for further hits.
As soon as the last slap had landed I lowered myself to the floor and crawled toward my bed. Beneath it was the wide-mouthed mason jar I had readied to receive my piss. On all fours, I reached down to place the head of my erect cock into the opening of the jar. Precum was flowing from its tip as I placed my erect penis deep into the jar. It felt humbling to be in this position, prostrating myself before You as I let my water flow. Rolling my head, I looked down between my legs to view the warm pee flowing from my softening cock, and a bolt of energy ran up my spine, sending a shiver of excitement through my entire body. Deep pleasure rippled through me as the jar filled with the warm liquid.
The slow, steady stream eventually filled the jar with the required litre of my piss. Strands of precum float like glistening cobwebs suspended in lemonade. As I close this post the piss is still warm, and I prepare for bed knowing that tomorrow morning when I awaken I will get on my knees and Worship You by drinking the golden liquid while focusing on my Servitude. Thank You Miss Emily, for this humbling experience....I am ready to move forward in this journey we are taking together....
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Sunday, December 29, 2002
puto: Turbulence
Miss Emily, thank You for Your kindness and not punishing me further. I panicked when I was unable to complete my punishment, and slipped into the old childhood feeling that I was a "bad boy" for not being able to finish my task. I became scared that You would inflict some sort of intense, morbid, sadistic pain onto me, which without a doubt was a parental issue bubbling into consciousness. It's nice to know that You aren't the kind of Mistress who intentionally sets-up Her slave(s) to fail, and the fact that You mention this is positive reinforcement for me. Thank You.
My emotions have been turbulent during the last two days, as I have been struggling with a rise in my sexual temperature, the result of being stimulated during my previous attempt to hold water. The energy has made me edgy, and I'm doing what I can to remain calm, but it's like riding a bull that's been pent-up for weeks in a tiny stall.
As I attempt to remain centred in my submission to You, part of me is screaming (internally) that this is too much to handle, and wants to "cut-and-run".....I'm "hitting a wall", and am hanging on dearly. I am presently in a love/hate relationship with my submissiveness, and find myself simultaneously wanting/not wanting to be in this space. It's an uncomfortable catch-22, as I know that when I am not in Service to a Mistress I long for such a relationship, and now that I am in Service and it's getting tough, well....I want to escape. My thoughts are foggy and confused, and I'm not quite sure how to temper all the present turbulence.
Amidst it all I keep flip-flopping between being happy and miserable, though I know I should feel permanently happy for having You back in my life. I am experiencing alot of self-judgement for feeling this way. Nonetheless, I remain committed to being Your submissive Lover for as long as You will have me, for deep within me I know that this relationship is what I've always wanted. When I awoke this morning with an erect cock and thoughts of You in my mind, I revelled in the passionate intensity of Your Dominance, and lingered for a few minutes in the pleasureable sensations before rising to piss away my erection, submitting my sexuality to You once again for the privelege of Worshipping You...
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Saturday, December 28, 2002
Emily: Failure
puto, your failure to complete your punishment did entertain me, and I am tempted to allow you to forego repeating the punishment. But that wouldn't be very tidy. One of the points of this sort of relationship is to have clarity, and leaving things half done does not aid that. So you are to prepare yourself properly, wait for a suitable occassion when you will not be disturbed - this may be some days away - and repeat the punishment. If you fail again I will act as necessary, but I doubt you will, as I do not deliberately set you up to fail.
As to Miss Ginger, I am glad you've recognised the folly of hoping and expecting Miss Ginger to fulfil a Dominant space in your life. It would only cast an air of disappointment around the relationship, when there is, in fact, a great deal to celebrate and be thankful for. It would only make you inward looking to your submissive needs, rather than outward looking to the gifts she brings to you. As an exercise in internalising Miss Ginger's non Dominant personalty, I want to you to bullet point those gifts in the form of a New Year's Resolution of Gifts I Will Not Take for Granted from Miss Ginger. Post this list on New Year's Day.
Thank You for decreasing the amount of water from the original 3 litres to 1-1/2 litres! Please know that before dinner last night I tried to drink the three litres of water and perform my punishment. The first difficulty I had was in drinking such a large quantity of water in the twenty minute allotted time frame, but I wasn't going to question Your Order. I had never done this before, and it took me nearly 45 minutes to consume all three litres, forcing myself to gulp large swallows at a time. Simulatneously I was becoming sick from having eaten some Mexican leftovers for breakfast which had gone bad during our previous day of travel. For awhile I couldn't tell if my queasiness was from feeling ill or drinking the water, until I began having diahhrea. My stomach was upset for several hours while passing the putrid food from my guts. Since I was ill, I decided not to try and withold my piss while passing liquids from my ass. My timing was wrong....but I was trying, as I had so lovingly wanted to give You the present of my entertainment on Boxing Day (yesterday).
It is early morning as I write this, and I have begun again. I finished drinking my water an hour ago, and the pressure in my bladder is growing. Presently it is mild, and is stirring my genitals, re-awakening them after several days of dormancy. Yesterday morning I had my first erection in three days, and arose to piss it away, which has now become habit. It felt good to be home and in my own bed, and I am indeed settled and ready for more intensive training.
I apologize for making You wait to hear from me, and for having affronted You. Thank You for being firm with me regarding this manner, and for the additional punishment I must perform for You.
You are quite right, of course, about Ms. Ginger. I probably wouldn't be here right now with You if She were truly Dominant and able to enjoy my suffering for Her Own Entertainment, as You do. Since returning home She has gone dormant again. You're also right in surmising that I must internalise and accept the fact that She is never going to be my Dominant Lover. Several years ago a close friend verbalized that it isn't right to expect one's lover to be everything that one wants...and keeping this in mind, I am grateful to have You as my Mistress, fulfilling my deep need to submit and serve.
An hour and forty-five minutes have now passed, and the pressure in my bladder is becoming quite intense. I haven't eaten anything yet today, so there is nothing inside me to soak up any of the water I drank. My body is becoming fidgety, and I want to piss, but gladly suffer this humiliation. Pressure builds in my balls, and I wonder if I'm going to be able to get an erection before I am allowed my release. Thank You for humbling me....
Two hours later ----------------------
Miss Emily, I'm writing to report my second attempt at performing my punishment has also terminated in failure. In my overly eager desire to perform for You, I filled my completely empty stomach with nothing but water, and after only two hours the pressure became too much for me to bear. I should have tempered myself with some toast or biscuits.
After my last post I was unable to remain still, and paced the floor for several minutes. The pain and discomfort grew intense very quickly. Each step filled my belly and groin with excruciating pain. I thought about Ms. Ginger, wondering what she'd think when she arose and saw me dancing and fidgeting about. My mind was becoming more cloudy with the passing of each minute, and I couldn't think of anything but the pain. I didn't think the punishment was going to be so difficult, since I often withold my piss for extended periods of time while at work. I underestimated the intensity of the experience, which was similar to holding water up my arse...and I once was forced to hold two litres of water up my arse for more than an hour by a former Mistress. But that pain was passing waves of cramps, and this was consistent with deep pressure.
At this point I'm at a loss what to do. I did not fail intentionally, in order to seek more punishment, and really wished to succeed in fulfilling Your Orders. And this was only a small punishment. If I cannot perform such a small Order correctly, how am I going to be able to handle more intense elements of my training? Ms. Ginger will be awake within the hour, and though I want to begin again, I don't think it's feasible. I know that this failure may call for more drastic measures on Your part, and I am ready to accept the consequences. I am sooo sorry!....I was truly looking forward to drinking my cold piss for the honor of Serving You. I feel a bit ashamed of myself for losing this opportunity to entertain You.
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Emily: Further Punishment
Well puto. I wait, expectantly for news that you have settled back down at home, ready to start a new regime. I acknowledge you difficulty in carrying out your punishment - nonetheless, it is an afront to me and in turn requires its own additional punishment. In addition to the punishment set out on Wednesday 18th December, you will, after four hours have passed but before you urinate, stroke yourself up to a full erection, and then taking a supple blunt object (such as a slipper or a bendy shoe), lay your erect penis on a hard surface it, and strike it fully across the middle of your penis. Apply one strike for every day after Boxing Day that you have had to wait before carrying out my wishes (so if you performed the punishment today, you would strike your erect penis once). In addition, I have decided that three litres of water is too much — I now require you to consume one and a half litres.
As to the status of Miss Ginger, I have to say that I doubt that your wildest dreams will come true, and that she will emerge from her dormant phase and engage you in a fulfilling dominant relationship. You have lived together to many years now. You are an ultra-keen submissive. It would be the most natural thing for someone's dominant top side to emerge when placed in close proximity to you. It hasn't happened. You need to accept that it never will. She may flirt with it, because it is amusing. To see someone make a fool of themselves for you is funny. She may exploit it, when she is angry. She knows that you will agree that you were wrong and rush to do anything to make it right.
But in both cases, she does it not because she is a Dominant person, but because you are a submissive one. It is your button that she chooses to press, not a deeply repressed side of herself that is suddenly flowering after all these years. She has tried to play your games with you in the past, but it was always about you, not her. She didn't really fully enjoy them (even if she did enjoy seeing you enjoy them). You need to accept and internalise this if you are to progress in your aim to restore sexuality back into your relation, as otherwise it will be a constant diversion into an irrelevant fantasy — your fantasy, not hers. It is a harsh fact to discover that your partner is not absolutely everything you need them to be, even as you are fully committed to them. But then you, more than most, know that life is harsh.
Ms. Emily, my Mexican holiday is quickly winding down and I will soon be home, prepared to pick up the pace of my training. I've been experiencing strong urges to stroke my cock, but have been able to override the impulse to touch myself. I have been doing my best to remain energetically castrated and sexless, maintaining the focus of You taming my cock every time it surges with desire.
Miss Ginger and I are finally confronting the problems of our personal relationship, specifically the state of sexlessness that has been taking place for the better part of two years. She has been letting me touch and kiss Her belly, but stops me when I try to go any lower. She, like You, is rejecting and ignoring my sexuality at present. Your castration of me during these last two weeks has been quite appropriate, and the slow Mexican pace You've instilled into the current lesson, of making me wait and stew in my juices, is nothing short of Mastery on Your part. Yesterday while showering I had a full, hard erection, and while She took delight in looking at it, Ms. Ginger made no advance whatsoever to touch, encourage, or stimulate it further. I feel I'm being kept in my proper place right now by the Goddess of emasculation.
We had company with us at the beach yesterday, and the distracting energy of an outsider put a damper on Ms. Ginger's appearance. She and I really need to be alone if I'm to provide Her with the attention and services that may draw Her out further. Ms. Ginger hasn't gone totally dormant, however, as She praised "poolboy" just this morning for preparing Her tea.
I've been thinking about my upcoming punishment, and am realizing that it's going to be near impossible to perform on Boxing Day, especially with the full attention it deserves while I suffer for You. I don't know exactly what we'll be doing, but Boxing Day will be our first day home, and Ms. Ginger may want to visit her family, food shop, run errands, or do any number of things which will most likely hamper my opportunity to entertain You. Please know that my free time will be quite minimal until She returns to work after New Year's.
In the meantime I continue to fill myself with Your Will, allowing my erections to be overwhelmed and subdued by Your very essence, remaining happy and appreciative in my submission... Permalink:[+]
Sunday, December 22, 2002
puto: Will the Real Ms. Ginger Please Stand Up?
Wow!!!!....the most incredible thing happened today. Ms. Ginger came out to play, and it's not a projection on my part! She has definitely picked up on the vibe of my collected, sexually submissive energy, and it's not a figment of my imagination. Unfortunately, anger was the trigger of Her awakening....and more specifically, anger directed towards me. What I did wrong was smoke some pot in the morning. I've been on a mission to replace the surge protector for the computer for the past two days, and stopped at a friends place while on my search.
I got a good chewing-out in the car while driving the twenty five miles north to the best beach in the area. I was told that I wasn't allowed to smoke until cocktail hour for the duration of our vacation. I was being called "poolboy" again....and when we arrived at the beach I was given orders to set up Ms. Ginger's "space" on the beach. I was made to order and bring Her refreshments. I acquiesced and silently jumped to fulfill all her whims. At one point I got on my knees and told her to be careful or She'd excite me. I tried approaching Her to kiss Her on the cheek, but was rejected and made to keep my distance.
I was in heaven, and was beginning to become sexually aroused. I told Her so, and raised up so She could see, but was ignored. I kept my energy light and playful, and didn't push AT ALL, as I didn't want to scare Her away. The needy submissive child in me can become pushy and bad-mouthed when wanting his way to get his submissive desires met. I was able to keep him from speaking whenever he wanted to snipe at Ms. Ginger, and focused instead on creating an adult male sex slave. This new approach seems to be working better than the former.
Eventually I was dismissed, when Ms. Ginger told me that she wanted me away from Her, and gave me permission to go snorkling, explicitly telling me to return in twenty minutes. I grabbed my diving mask and walked the beach toward the reef with a firm hard-on, strolling with pride in my subservient humiliation. The fact that I was publicly aroused fed my sexual excitement further. On the reef I saw at least a dozen different species of neon colored fish, and letting my body clock tell me to return, I arrived only a few mintues late. I humbly asked whether I was on time, and was told that it was "close enough".
"Poolboy, get me another apple soda"....I jumped into service again, quietly and quickly doing as Ms. Ginger ordered. She actually said that She could "get used to this"....I kid you not!!!!
Some time later She went for a walk on the beach, leaving me alone again....my order this time was to guard Her belongings. The air was 93 degrees in the shade and 100 in the sun, and the water was a wonderful 86. Wearing noting but my tight, black speedo swimsuit, I felt like I was dreaming.
I was drinking plenty of fluids, and took the opportunity to practice witholding piss for my upcoming punishment. I didn't drink anywhere near the three litres that will soon be required of me, and was able to hold my water for six hours. I didn't piss until we returned home and was in the shower, the pressure of my full bladder ready to release. The high arching stream of my pee went on-and-on-and-on for minutes. I wanted to drink it right then as thanks for this Sacred Space You've created and are holding for me, but felt I had better not without Your permission.
On the way home Ms. Ginger mentioned how contradictory I am at times...."I ask to be Dominated, She said, then at other times grumble and complain that She's "always trying to control me"." I remained submissive and non-demading as She continued thinking aloud to Herself, the awakening personality of Ms. Ginger wondering how to resolve the conflict. "Maybe I should just have you tell me when You want to be Dominated", She said aloud. I remained quiet and did't push, still reflecting upon the first statement. I then made an internal note stating that I must not send Her these types of mixed messages anymore.
Also, instead of the heavy energy of the needy demanding baby, I was a playful and enthusiastic adult while playing my role as Her submissive. I was able to kneel before her at home and kiss Her hurting tummy through the sexy little cotton dress She bought at the beach today, which I helped her buy. Bartering with my excellent spoken Spanish was another of my duties while with Her on the beach. I was busy typing on the computer when I first noticed Her wearing the skimpy dress, which barely covers Her sacred mound, and received a nice mild schwing while on my knees before Her, trying to kiss her pussy. I was denied again, and this excited me further....
During cocktails on the beach at sunset I tried approaching Ms. Ginger. It's been 1-1/2 years since we've had sex, and the pattern of energy within each of us is locked in a state of witholding. Hopefully this energy of holding back from one another is beginning to break. I was informed that it may be some time before we have sex again, and was told that it would be easier for Her to go "meet someone and get laid right now"....She further added that it wouldn't necessarily be better, just easier. I submission, I stated that I would have no problem if She decided to do fuck another man, but in Her heart She wants only me.
I feel sexless again as I write this, putting my sexual neediness to bed as I too am about ready for sleep. Ms. Ginger wants to me to take Her to the beach again tomorrow...it's her most favorite thing to do in the entire world. The inner Princess really came out to play today, and it really is apparent there is this persona in Her. I only hope that it doesn't always take anger to awaken Her, and would like to bring Her into full consciousness.
I'd like to approach the subject of asking Her to explore this Princess and poolboy relationship more deeply, but am a bit afraid of scaring away this persona, as I've done so in the past. Talking sometimes seems to get me into trouble, and a better approach may be to drop into my subservient position while trying to bring Her out. If the Princess sees me providing Her with good service, maybe She'll come out to play again. But like the slowly moving pace of my last two weeks' training, I am making my steps tiny as can be.....
I remain appreciative that You are the gatekeeper of my ejaculations Ms. Emily, and humbly look forward to prostrating myself beneath You for intensive disciplined training as Yours and Ms. Ginger's sex slave....
Ms. Emily, thank You for clarifying when I am to begin timing my consumption of water, as well as how quickly I am to drink. And thank You too, for making me consume through the use of European standards of measurement.
Yesterday was one of calm and centred sexlessness. The burst of sexual arousal from days ago has passed its peak, the frothing wave having receded back into the void of a calm, neutral sea. My nervous system has steadied itself, leveling in preparation for the journey ahead, and I'm not presently experiencing the shakiness, loss of breathe, or any other signs of perturbed energy.
I remained sexually neutral all throughout the day, but spouted an erection shortly after getting into bed. This happened while I was thinking about You, and about my present situation. I wanted to enjoy the feeling of its hardness, but allowed the sensation to pass through me quickly, since I don't presently have permission to linger in this type of pleasure. My hard cock softened, and dead tired, I rapidly drifted off to sleep.
I awoke this morning with a hard cock, and again wanted to linger for a while in the pleasurable sensation. Instead, I arose and pissed it away. Though I do at times wish I could stroke my cock, I am not suffering in the fact that I am not allowed to do anything with it that is not approved by You. Instead, I am appreciative for having this opportunity to humble myself before You.
As my holiday winds down, I'm reflecting on how the last two weeks without ejaculation have prepared me for the intensive training that lies ahead. I am feeling well rested, and am happy. My batteries are recharged, and I am ready again to also face the stresses of my everyday responsibilities at home.
Thank You for taking the time to shape me. I am striving to make You proud of me, turning my submission into a nurturing, soft blanket into which You can wrap Yourself during these cold, winter nights.
Start timing yourself when you start to consume the water, but consume all three litres within 20 minutes. Note, I am using metric measures as you get less in a US pint than a British one.
Ms. Emily, Thank You for granting me the extra day before my required performance. Would You prefer that I begin timing my retention of water upon beginning to drink, or would You like that I start the timer after having consumed the entire three litres of water?
Please know that I am very appreciative for my current condition, and continue to try and rest as much as I can before You raise the level and intensity of my training. I know the weeks ahead are going to become increasingly difficult, and am taking this opportunity to prepare my spirit to walk the path with a light heart and a gladness in my soul.
I was awakened today by the increasingly potent flow of energy, though without an erection. My perception upon awakening was that my body was flooding itself with You, slowly aligning itself to Your Will, bending further and further into submission. I know I must be broken to be trained completely, that I must endure all the firm, guiding Love You bestow upon me, before allowing me any favors.
Presently I bounce between levels one and three (sexually asleep and higly aroused). One moment I am experiencing moments of tamed sexuality, dormantly serene, and the next moment I may find myself sexually aroused. Not necessarily with a hard cock, mind you, but rather an intense surge of energy that makes my heart beat faster and my head a bit lighter. I have yet to delve into level five - crazed and overwhelmed by desire. Permalink:[+]
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Emily: Boxing Day
puto, as you will be indisposed on Christmas Day, you may give me my present on Boxing Day - which is probably more suitable. It was the time when Masters gave their servants gifts (in a box - hence Boxing Day), and I have given you the gift of allowing you to entertaining me.
Mistress, Thank You for clarifying that I have not failed Your test completely. Please know that I've been able to regain some of my centred, desexualized state, though I am indeed simultaneously stewing in my sexual juices. The energy isn't quite as calm as it was last week, and when in this space I am not able to remain collected for long periods. If my mind doesn't drift to thoughts of You maintaining my emasculation, then it's the physical ache in my balls that remind me I now belong entirely to You.
Thank You for humbling me further, by using me as Your urinal, as well as giving me the opportunity to embellish my punishment while I entertain You. I will keep in mind that Your urine is warm, while mine is cold, and am sure this Law will rise in my thoughts throughout the week I must wait to perform this penance. I look forward to being allowed the privilege of kneeling again while I worship You, and have no hesitation about submitting myself to Your punishment. However, I'd like to inform You that I will be travelling home on Christmas Day, and performing such a lengthy ritual while in flight may be quite difficult.
Thank You too, for reminding me that my current training is merely preparation for the more intense set of lessons to come, and not a form of sexual gymnastics. I don't know where I got the idea this session would terminate after approximately four weeks, but am surprised to learn that it may go longer! This feels both scary and thrilling, and reinforces the fact that You DO have me by the balls...and for as long as You wish, since I have no say in the matter!!!
In the meantime, I continue to recite the gift of Your mantra during one of my daily abolitions, and will continue to do so until Ordered otherwise....
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Opportunities to Entertain
puto, allowing you stew lightly in your own sexual juices is clearly working satisfactorily. You only sexual stimulus is from the one I deliberately placed to test you. You failed the test, but not so badly as to give any concern.
Nonetheless, a small punishment is required: 1. Consume three litres of water. 2. Wait four hours until allowing yourself to urinate. 3. Save one litre of the urine, to be drunk later, when it has gone cold [Note: cold urine is yours, warm urine is mine]. 4. Naked, on your knees and focused on servitude to me, drink the cold urine, reflecting on how your own desire for what is to come leads you away from appreciating what you have been given now. 5. You may creatively embellish this punishment if you care to, baring in mind the scale of the infraction and that I laid the trap. This is not a requirement, but an opportunity. 6. If you become sexually aroused during this punishment, acknowledge the arousal, do not stimulate it, and allow it to pass through you before continuing. You will not be punished for such arousal … probably.
Your 30 days post break-up abstinence is irrelevant. This is not the Guinness Book of Sexual Records and you are not a sexual athlete chasing his Personal Best. We are here to prepare you for full and intense training by creating a space for you to both rest and store up your sexual energy. Do not assume it will automatically finish when you return from holiday. It may take 15, 30 or 100 days to order your habitually disordered and chaotic sexual state. We shall see.
Finally, Christmas is coming. I will require the performance of devotional gift for me on Christmas Day. It will be a surprise for me. The details and nature of the gift are in your creative hands. The only stipulations are that it may not involve ejaculating (of course) nor must it excessively intrude in your festive celebrations with Miss Ginger.
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Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Calm after the storm
Mistress, I've regained some composure after yesterday's wave came crashing down onto me, and am focusing again on being sexless. Today marks the tenth day since my last orgasm. I don't believe I've ever told You this, but the longest I've ever gone without ejaculation is a month. That, however, was a self imposed exile I inflicted upon myself after a break-up, so it may not count, as there was no ongoing arousal during that event.
Today I am drawing on Your strength to tame, reject, ignore and overwhelm any erection or sexual thought that may make itself into my body. I am allowing myself to return to the calm haven of resting, preparing the instrument of my body for the next phase of Your training. I feel both lucky and proud to be Your sex slave, and trust Your guiding hand to mould me into a better person....
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Monday, December 16, 2002
Energy Slipping
Miss Caroline, another day of being sexless begins, and I've just been awakened by an erection, which I immediately piss away. It has become my daily ritual. I check the level of my excitation while brushing my teeth, and it's non-existant, ensuring that I am still at level one ---sexless.
"Miss Caroline tames my sex". As I say the words, an image of You petting me, stroking my head, manifests in my minds eye. It's soothing, and with a few breathes I become still, lingering in this comfortable space for some minutes before speaking the next line...
"Miss Caroline rejects my sex". Deep within a voice tells me this is a critical element in my training. Being rejected is a "little death", the voice informs, "something that must take place" if I'm to be re-born as Your slave and moulded to Your liking.
The third line escapes between my parted lips :
"Miss Caroline ignores my sex". Saying it aloud gives it more credence. I had felt somewhat ignored this past week, living in limbo for the first five days of my submission, without much in the way of response or attention from You.
But something inside has changed recently, and I no longer feel quite the needy baby with regards to my issues of abandonment. Deep inside, I feel you out there, watching....and waiting for some time to pass. The calmness found in my solitude has taught me that "everything is connected to Everything", in one way or another. With this thought there is no room for abandonment...it just does not exist in me at the moment.
"Miss Caroline Overwhelms my sex". I flood myself with the word overwhelm. I feel collared, and maintain the focus of submitting myself to You, offering no resistance to the force of Your will, inviting the overwhelming power of You to control my sex with the standing orders You have given.
The restful state I was experiencing last week in my emasculated state is becoming more difficult to sustain. The coiled serpent in my loins seeks to awaken from it's hibernation. I still have a light case of blue-balls this morning, and my scrotum is pulled taut against my body, puffy and slightly tender. A little precum is present at the tip of my cock...less though, than what I dripped yesterday.
Since my cold shower I have noticed other inanimate objects having the potential to become sexualized...like the clean, white tile floors of the bungalow. Their coolness reminds me of the ritualized, cleansing ejaculation I was permitted nine days ago. You permitted me to lie face down on the cold wood floor of my home, Worshipping You by playing in my piss. It find myself wishing I could receive an enema while lying face-down on the cool tiles, both to rehydrate me and to allow me a good bowel movement, as I seem to have become constipated.
The challenge, of course, would be to maintain my sexless state as the force of the streaming water filling my arse teased my prostate. The pressure in it is already becoming quite noticeable, and uncomfortable. Vibrations of bittersweet suffering are begining to rumble inside me. These pangs of turbulence are beginning to affect my sleep, and for the past two nights I have slept little, as the rumblings in my loins grows stronger. My head is beginning to enter a foggy state, and I now think of You constantly as the energy heightens, unable to put my thoughts anywhere else.
Yes, I am indeed lucky.....very, very lucky.....
9:00 a.m. -
I was just re-reading the following item addressed in Your last post....
"I am tempted to put you through a short intense teasing sexual experience, in order to more easily contrast its highlighted fevered state compared to the lowlighted asexual calm you are experiencing. But that would be more for my pleasure than your own good. "
"When you return home you will be required to undertake far more arduous tasks. I note that these can place you in a “grumpy” mood. You will take care to report these. "
YOUR written words have just brought me to level four by the very mention of the idea, and I'm hot and aroused. My cock just sprang to life without any form of physical stimulation, my heart beats rapidly, and I'm feeling very light headed. I know that I am supposed to report to you for punishment should I exceed level two - being randy, and don't know if what just happened is acceptable, so I'm reporting it to You.
I'm not yet crazed and overwhelmed, but my energy certainly is headed that direction. It is YOU that has tipped me over the edge, and my body is shaking. I feel as though all its atoms have jumped upward three levels...
10:30 a.m. -
Phew!....I had to go take a walk on the beach, because the head rush I was experiencing was taking my breathe away, and I felt faint. The numerous mosquito bites on my ankles rubbed the tops of my shoes as I walked, creating an intense itching burning hot pain in my feet, and it helped distract me. The spontaneous erections without some form of physical arousal are new to me.
I had to ground my body on the beach for awhile, doing some deep breathing and stretching. It's becoming increasingly difficult to clear my turbulent mind. The waves are again crashing mighty for a two mile length, and my eyes drink in twelve foot waves breaking on the steep sloped beach, which rise thirty to forty feet up the slope. Some breach the top, so I'm sitting far back, in warm salty sand and air.
I spend about 45 minutes on the beach, my thoughts revolving between You, my day ahead, and trying to recenter and gain calmness. I was able to become calm for a short while at the beach. The swollen state of my cock and balls has put me on the verge of appearing half erect, and this has been displayed through my shorts since yesterday. I can no longer keep attention away from my sore balls, nor the throbbing pulse calling me back like a ticking watch. It's become quite consistent and perpetual, feeling as though You have my balls clenched in Your hand.
I still cannot tell whether my constipation is from all the compressing of energy I've generated in my genitalia, or perhaps from the food and foreign microbes. The physical sensation is one of having full bowels, and I feel as if I have been anally impacted, my colon filled deeply with a long, twisting snake of one huge fece. The pressure is a constant throbbing all throughout my anus, cock and balls, and it sometimes reaches up into my solar plexus. I Havent taken it up to my heart region yet, and am now returning to calming it before the next swell, grounding it through my feet and pulling it down. I'm partially regaining my the Ghandi like centredness, but it is slipping from my fingers as the hot and excited energy pulses...
3:00 p.m. - I took my first dip in the ocean yesterday, since arriving five days ago. I also took my first piss in water while swimming. The temperature of the water is 86 degrees, and it was a different peeing in water that is nearly body temperature. I coldn't feel the warm piss engulf my thighs like I would at home, in the cold waters back home. I was wearing tight, floursecent lime swim trunks with black stripes on each side of my "package". I'm was squeezing hard to withold the energy, but was feeling quite randy.
11:00 p.m. -
Right now I don't know where I stand with regard to whether You think I should be punished for feeling not only randy, but being overwhelmed with lust this morning. As I wind down for the night, I am calm and centred again. I am continuing to withold and compress any sexual urges that bubble forth, to the best of my ability in my current, altered state.
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Sunday, December 15, 2002
Emily: The Energy just Shifted
Miss Emily, today I was surpised at what the world provided as a way of testing me sexually. The west coast of Mexico has been in the grips of a large storm lingering way off the coast. It's been there three days now, creating overcast skies and large waves, pushed into land by powerful winds hundreds of miles away. The largest swells are about ten feet tall, and sometimes break with a loud thump upon the shore. It can rattle the windows of the bungalow, which is located across the street from the beach. At other times the harmonic makes the entire house shake.
I was taking a shower when a thumper hit, after having walked the three mile round-trip into town and back. The cool water flowing over my body was melting the stickness from my sweaty skin. Water was splashing my head when the thump vibrated right through the invigorating stream, and sent a ripple of energy down my spine and into my cock. Now, I've been aroused by water before, but never after being denied orgasm for more than a week! It's a very deep vibration, low in pitch and density.
Interestingly, upon leaving home, I had used the visualization of small rollers breaking peacefully on the beach, as a form of dissolving my sexuality. But the waves here, like sexual energy itself, are teaching me of the fluid nature of arousal and emotion. They have been one continuous flow of pounding, strong surf. I had forgotten that even when it's calm here, the beach out front sports four to five foot waves perpetually. From nowhere, a sudden, surging desire to touch my cock rose from the depths. I'm glad my brain caught up with my hand, because it felt like it was already on its way to grab and tug at my penis. The only time I've been touching my cock since being back in Your service has been to piss. I assumed my subservient position, and dissolved my sexual feelings.
It's clear that the compression is beginning to seek release, and I'm now reflecting upon what You said about the energy possibly taking me into a Ghandi like space of mystical calm, rather than an uncontrolled outburst of sexual desire. I really don't want to be punished for the infraction of slipping into level three of four (namely that of being hot and aroused, or crazed and overwhelmed by desire - (section 2a)) without Your explicit permission. I wish to remain in Your Grace.
As the instrument of Your experiment, I am appreciative for the opportunity to be in Your care again. I hope You soon learn what you seek to know, specifically, whether the sex drive is a muscle that can be constantly exercised.
I haven't been sexually aroused, yet today am beginnig to manifest signs of sexual arousal. Physically, I am aware of a pounding thud beginning to manifest from my prostate. Like the waves, it has the potential of carrying lots of pressure, and I can feel that pressure building. Both my penis and balls are now more plump than what they normally are, and I can feel a slight case of blue balls forming from the pressure. I am also beginning to leak some pre-cum. I'm not trying to make any of this happen conscioulsy, with neither will nor desire. I remain sexless.
It's time for me to take Ms. Ginger to the beach, as it's just after noon, and the day is sunny and cloudless for the first time in three days....
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puto: Thank you for your Grace
Miss Emily, I was just awakened with another erection, which I immediately eliminated by rising and urinating. It's 5 a.m. as I write, and I am glad that I checked-in. Thank you for the Grace you have bestowed upon me.
Please know I am trying to become a better submissive by not showing-off, as I have done in the past. In reflecting upon why I exhibited such behaviour, I can see it was in an attempt to receive child like attention. I was trying to "be seen", via an attempt to impress with sexual acrobatics. Through your skilled hand, may I become a groomed, mature sex slave, one that you can be proud of saying you trained.
I will most certainly report to you all details of grumpiness, or any other perturbing moods that your training may elicite, in order that you may mould me to your liking, by taking charge of these too. I'm not quite sure whether such emotions, when they arise, are from the needy inner child who wants things "his way", or from having my bio-chemistry altered from the required exercises.
I fully understand that my sexual arousal, when allowed, shall be for your pleasure, and not mine. I continue to submit my will to you, aligning myself with your every wish, and remain in my presently required state of sexual deprivation and negation. Thank you for emasculating me...I hope you are finding pleasure in Your Domination.
I too, have been wondering whether my asexual calm will burst through your imposed compression, and have been a bit scared about losing this control, for to me it would mean I am no longer aligned with you. My main wish in serving you at present is to melt my will into Your will, completely. To this end I focus on maintaining my present behaviour.
Knowing that I am going to suffer the bitter-sweetness of being teased and denied at some point in the not too distant future also scares me, because I also fear slipping here too, ejaculating without your permission. Yet I am facing my apprehension bravely, and move toward the days ahead with joy and lightness in my heart, for I am in my proper place.
I appreciate the gift you have granted me, and look forward to using the mantra as part of my ritual Worship of You, until instructed otherwise.
puto, your performance has been largely satisfactory. You have entered into the spirit of the exercise, neither weakening into uncontrolled sexual arousal, nor attempting to show-off by performing more than I have required.
When you return home you will be required to undertake far more arduous tasks. I note that these can place you in a “grumpy” mood. You will take care to report these.
I am tempted to put you through a short intense teasing sexual experience, in order to more easily contrast its highlighted fevered state compared to the lowlighted asexual calm you are experiencing. But that would be more for my pleasure than your own good.
I am interested to see whether the continued asexual focus will allow you to achieve a Gandhi-like air of asexual mystic calm, or, as I suspect, the tectonic-plates of your sexuality will compress and seismically shift together to erupt volcanically in an uncontrollable outburst of sexual desire. But more than a simple trial of psychic strength, I am interested to see whether sex-drive is a muscle that must be constantly exercised to maintain its strength, or a simple base urge that swells of its own accord.
I am also tempted not to offer you a chant to help you retain focus, as at the moment you are coping well, buoyed up, no doubt, by the twin delights of being on sunny holiday and of being under training again. But, since I said I would, you may repeat this mantra three times during any one, but only one, of your daily abolitions. Ensure that you are centred and focused, and say the words, slowly, calmly, gently:
Miss Emily tames my sex Miss Emily rejects my sex Miss Emily ignores my sex Miss Emily overwhelms my sex So that I can rest awhile in this haven I am lucky, I am very lucky
Miss Emily, yesterday I awoke with an erection, my first one in four days. My body wanted to linger and enjoy the sensation, but I instead went to the bathroom and pissed it away. It was 5:00 a.m., and too early to rise, so I went back to bed. Unable to fall asleep, I meditated upon my position as your slave, surrendering my sex to you, before drifting into a slumber approximately an hour later.
I thought about the absence of being teased, and how it affects my current state. I'm more accustomed to being teased rather than desexualized. During periods of permitted masturbation without ejaculation, the energy of sustained arousal can make me edgy and grumpy. It can also keep me awake, or even awaken me from my sleep. I often feel light-headed and high, and my central nervous system buzzes with intense energy. It can feel as if my entire body is shaking, the high state of vibrations seeking a direction in which to express themselves. My heart beats rapidly, and I'm sure my blood pressure is raised. I can feel the beat inside my head. This state can go on for days before finding a level field.
This curent state, however, is a new experience in orgasm denial. So far, it's been both calming and relaxing. I don't know that this would be the case if I were in my late teens or early twenties, but at this point in my life I find it both soothing and comforting. It's a nice change of pace. But the coiled serpent of my sexual energy wants to re-awaken. I now find myself "pushing" a bit more to hold it down. Soothing it with internal dialogue, I suggested it remain asleep, coiled and dormant, cozy in the cave of my crotch. "24/7" I reminded it...."you now belong to Miss Emily. Let her have control of your awakening".
The Universe has once agained provided me a woman to challenge my sexual neediness. She is my new neighbor, a good looking brunette in her mid to late forties who has firm, smooth legs and a nice tan. We met last night, and shared her partner and I shared beer with her on the veranda. A couple times she bent forward, exposing her small, pert breasts. This morning she wore tight, black spandex shorts which clung to her arse tightly. A pink shirt and black baseball cap made her outfit complete. A potentially sexual fantasy arose, of submitting to a hard-bodied woman like her, but through will power I kept returning to you.
You are my Mistress, the keyholder of my invisible chastity belt, the keeper of giving, taking, pleasure and suffering, and I don't need nor want another woman to serve. What you give me is enough. Compressing and numbing the energy wanting to awaken, I humbly return to my sexual dormancy. Rather than having you punish me, I prefer to be rewarded by you for being a good boy and for controlling myself.
Miss Emily, I've now completed twenty cycles of abolitions in the last five days, many more than the eight needed before being allowed permission to ask you for a mantra (article 2b, below). I hope you find my behaviour focused enough to permit this reward, allowing me to further focus upon you as I remain your sexless vessel. Permalink:[+]
Thursday, December 12, 2002
puto: Second Day of Abolitions
Miss Emily, the command you gave to desexualize myself has become a calm, centreing meditation, a permission for something I haven't allowed myself for numerous years! My body has been following my mind during the last two days, and I've moved into a balanced state of peaceful, quiet tranquility. It's an old, familiar feeling, and one which I'd like to experience more often. I haven't sported an erection for three days now, though twice I've been challenged with lust, provided compliments of the world.
The first young nymph to test me was a woman of about twenty, a grocery clerk filling bags in the nearby market. Her tight, flesh toned jeans sculpted her round, bubble-shaped arse. My carnal desire was restrained with a mantra...."I remove myself from ALL that is sexual", repeatedly continuously while I was in the store.
A day later, I was tried again by another young woman, this one in the airport awaiting her flight. Slender, with long black hair and supple breasts, she reclined in her seat, lying almost prone, with legs wide open and resting across her luggage. She was quite a sight, the sexual energy exuding itself from her tight, firm body. Her tease was completed with pouty lips and bared cleavage.
I had more difficulty controlling myself this time, but managed not to rise above level two - keeping myself in a state of being potentially sexual but remaining currently sexless. I reminded myself that I belonged to you, and that I must remain calm and controlled in order to receive your Grace. Composing myself further, I dropped lower, voiding myself of having any sexuality whatsoever, letting even the potential for arousal to be exorcised from within me. My only desire at that point was to become your complete slave again, utterly aligned with your every wish.
Throughout the course of these last three days, I have perpetually meditated upon my sexless state, using various mantra's to keep me focused. It doesn't matter that I'm currently your eunuch, and I wait in a place of quiet contentment, knowing you will soon be taking me into another level of this journey. And....as already mentioned, this slow pace has been restful and calming, and I'm enjoying it in its entirety while it lasts. Emptied of carnal desires, I'm now a malleable vessel waiting to be moulded by you.
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Tuesday, December 10, 2002
puto: Abolitions begun
Miss Emily, the first day of being back under your tutelage found me ecstatic and quite sexually aroused, but that has now passed. Awakened by my throbbing cock twice Saturday night, I arose to urinate, disseminating the blood that filled my penis.
My desexualization has begun, and I am focused on letting go of any sexual desires as they arise. Each time a sexual urge bubbles forth into consciousness I use my breathe to help me calm and focus myself. Along with my breathe, visualizing an image of gentle waves caressing the beach assist me in my focus. Through this combination I perpetually recentre myself with the awareness that I am now your instrument. Please know that I surrender not only my sexuality, but also offer my mind and heart to you for safe keeping. Thank you for the confidence you have in me...I hope to learn many new things from you during the course of my training.
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Emily: Daily Abolitions
puto, you have been cleansed and emptied. From this baseline I will build the sexual charge within you as an instrument of learning … but only eventually. First, you must walk the barren calm of asexuality. You must demonstrate that you can control your lust so that I know I have, in you, an instrument that can be properly fashioned and re-made.
1. To reiterate, your current standing order is to discourage all sexual contact. This means avoiding pornographic content on the web, television or anywhere else. Nor initiating sexual contact with anyone else (though others, specifically Miss Ginger, may initiate sexual contact with you, if they choose). Attempt to remove yourself from the sexual and sexualising. This also means not wallowing in autoerotic stimulation; for example, if you wake with an erection, you are to get up and go to the toilet in an effort to get rid of it.
2. As you going to be away on holiday during the Christmas break, and may find privacy difficult to achieve, you will undertake a simple short set of daily abolitions. When you wash and brush-up in the morning, when you go to wash your hands before lunch and supper, and when you wash your teeth before going to bed — during each of these four bathroom moments, you are to:
a. Briefly consider your sexual mode at that moment on a sliding scale: 1. completely asexual | 2. potentially sexually potent but currently sexless | 3. vaguely randy | 4. hot and aroused | 5. crazed and overwhelmed by desire
and consider how this mode affects your mood and relationships at that moment. Do not introspect too much. This is simply an exercise to make you aware of your sexual temperature. I expect you to exist at level 1. You will not exceed level 2 without punishment.
b. Remind yourself briefly that I have re-entered your life and taken control of that must unruly and needy of man-child emotions: lust. If you believe that it would, and if you have not required punishment for two full days (eight abolitions), you may request a short chant from me to help you focus.
c. If you require punishment, you will not visit me or reflect on your sexual temperature at your next abolition. For us to be together, you will need to be controlled and calm. If you cannot achieve this state, you cannot enter into my grace. If you repeatedly fail, you must report this so can I institute stronger corrective measures.
Once you have demonstrated the ability to conduct your abolitions diligently and calmly, I will be happy to grant a small favour. I am confident you will not disappoint.
My Dearest Miss Emily, thank you for re-initiating me into your service. I truly appreciate being here on my knees again, assuming a position of submission to you while I write. To be able to worship you like this is truly a privilege, and one I know that not every submissive may experience outside his fantasies. I promise not to run this time when my training gets tough, for I now have the awareness that you know what is best for me.
It was a tad difficult to resist the temptation to read through the entire set of instructions, as I was excited to begin, but was able to force myself to resist the temptation until all the required components were gathered. Even then my cock stirred and twitched continuously. Gulping down the pint of water, I re-opened your email.
Following your first order, I stripped quickly, then knelt to follow your next instruction. Choosing a favored photo of you, I taped your image to the wall, slightly lower than the level of my already hard cock, and lit the candle, placing it next to your picture. The warm glow of the candle in the darkened room added a nice touch. Shuffling backwards on my knees, I stopped at a distance which allowed me to comfortably look into your eyes as I began stroking myself. My cock rose to it's full length, and I reminded myself that it now belongs to you.
It's been quite some time since I've had a shaven pubic area, and my genitals are ripe with hair for plucking. As per your next request, I began pulling hairs, using tweezers to remove one hair at a time. I pulled slowly, in order to savor the sensation of each hair being torn from it's root. I lowered them, one-by-one it into the flame of the burning candle. The intense smell of the burning hair entered my nostrils immediately after the crackling hiss of the flame consumed the small, curly strands. I spent several minutes repeating the procedure, being certain to fill the room with the smell. The aroma remains as I write this.
Gazing into your eyes, my heart pounds quite hard, and the blood rushing to my head makes me dizzy. As I continue to stroke my cock, I thank you for the privelege of being permitted to submit my orgasms to you again. Maybe it's the gently flickering candle flame, but there's a softness in your eyes which purvey an air of encouragement. Increasing the tempo of my strokes, I'm rubbing the "sweet spot" behind my blood engorged head, and grow more excited. The dull sensation of pressure building in my balls is already being felt. I'm stroking quite furiously when the chime rings, telling me that my five minutes are over, and that I must stop masturbating.
Moving to the next requirement, I begin pulling more hairs from my pubic area, this time focusing on the hairs of my scrotum. I pass these too into the flame, thereby refilling the air with the pungent smell. Small moans escape my lips as I look again into your eyes. The timer ultimately rings, telling me that it's time to move to the next step in my training.
I now lower myself to the cool wood floor, and lie prone, as per your order, allowing my mind to become serene. I feel light and calm knowing that you are once again in my life, and I invite your essence to permeate me to my core. I love your firm hand and the direction of your Dominance, and begin to float inside my bottom space. Deep breathes fills me with more serenity as I continue clearing my mind, though fifteen minutes of being flaccid seems like an eternity. My balls are beginning to ache a bit more now. Masturbating for you is a joy, even when I must suffer through the endurance of witheld ejaculation, which only makes me want you more! The chime rings again, providing me permission to rise up to read your next order...."Return to the basic position, kneeling, making your cock erect again. Masturbate vigorously for 10 minutes, focusing on my face. You may not ejaculate."
I reset the timer, and once more assume my proper position for worshipping you, on my knees with my legs slightly parted. I stroke myself to full hardness. Your eyes blaze with bright impishness, teasing me. My heart pounds with such fervor that I think my central nervous system won't be able to contain itself, and my whole body begins to shake and reverberate. I focus on witholding for you while my body wishes to do just the opposite, reaching for the explosive release...it wants to spew my ejaculate. I'm trembling with confusion as the mixed signals of my desire to cum are overridden by your order to withold. I don't know that I can go the full ten minutes without stopping for a break, and so lessen the intensity of my squeeze as I continue stroking the rigid cock that is between my fingers. It helps, but only slightly. A surge of precum reaches it's tip, the foamy white cream of wet lubrication showing my level of excitation. I rub it around and into the head, adding further to my excitement. A burst of energy flows down my spine, travelling from my head into my heart, through my torso and into my loins. It continues down into my anus before bouncing upwards and back into my cock, then surges toward the tip. I'm about to ejaculate! The familiar convulsions of orgasm surge forward, ready to release, when the chime rings again. I stop stroking and clamp down to tighten my ass muscles, internally focusing to pull the cum back into my balls before it can escape. It works! Phew...that was close!
I read the next instruction, which tells me to masturbate then urinate over your face until my bladder is empty. "I will do as I'm told", I tell myself internally, as I begin stroking my cock again. "If this is what excites you, then I will do this for you". I can feel a pulse throb through my thick shaft, and focusing intently, point my cock toward your face. I begin to try and release my piss, but nothing happens. Peeing with a hard-on isn't an easy thing to do. The seminal vessicles have closed my bladders connection to my urethra. I let my cock stand at full attention, and try again. This time a smallish flow of piss begins streaming into the air. As the force grows I make the arc flow toward your face, spattering you with the warm, golden liquid. It flows down the wall and onto the floor, forming a puddle in front of me. I continue to piss until my bladder runs dry, then read my next order....."Roll your body around in the pool of pee until you have completely bathed in it".
Again, I do as I'm told. If this is what Mistress wishes me to do, I shall do it without question or hesitation. I put my face into the puddle of piss, then roll it from side-to-side, making my hair drenching wet. My torso and back are next, followed by my ass, thighs, and calves. I place my feet into the piss, then roll over, worming myself upwards to make my knees, thighs, and crotch wet with the now cold piss. Rising up, I read the next line on the page...."Lick my photo clean of urine." Degrading myself for you, I move to the photo taped to the wall, and begin licking your face. My cock is still hard, and I'm glad to be here like this. I kiss you, and look into your eyes before reading further.
Reading the last order, I'm a bit shocked that I've been granted permission to cum, as I didn't think I'd be given this privelege so soon upon returning to your service. I set the timer and reach for my cock, stroking vigorously. Placing a finger against the brown puckered bud of my anus, I draw small circles. In my already heightened level of excitation, less than a dozen strokes are necessary to bring me to the edge. The tickling sensation in my arse doubles my heart rate, and I feel the cum rising from my balls. I don't hold back this time, and taking aim, point my cock at your face. The first stream of white jism arcs across the space separating us, and I watch as it lands on your cheek. Before it can drip, a second, fuller load erupts from my swollen cocks head, covering more of your face. I'm panting heavily and grunting when the third spasm takes my body, spewing another load onto your neck and chin. Two smaller spurts finish my eruption, as the cum on your face is overtaken by the force of gravity, creating small streams that trickle down toward the floor. As the smaller spasms subside I lower myself to your image and begin licking you clean, using the full width of my tongue like an eager cat slupring gravy. Once cleaned, I gaze into your eyes and thank you one last time for the pain and pleasure you have bestowed upon me today. I feel at home again, in my proper place, making exquisite perverted love with my Dominant Lover. Reading the last command, I learn I may not sexually stimulate myself any further until I receive my next instructions. Looking again into your eyes, I plant the seed deeply into my mind that I must attempt to deflate any erections. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside, knowing that I'm being trained again, and that my balls will soon be full of cum and turning blue....
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Saturday, December 07, 2002
Emily: Initiation
puto, the following is an initiation ceremony to welcome you back into my service. You will need the following: × a printout of a favourite photo of me × a candle – preferably unscented, and matches × soap × a towel × a timing device × cloth or paper towels × to have drunk a pint of water before hand
STOP: Do not read any further until you have significant privacy to worship me.
CONTINUE: 1. Get naked.
2. Place the my photo prominently, but not higher than kneeling waist high, with the lighted candle next to it.
3. Assume the basic position: kneeling, with cock erect in worship of me.
4. Pull out a pubic hair (or other body hair if shaved) and burn in the candle. Repeat until the room is filled with the incense of burnt hair.
5. Look at me. For the next five minutes, focus on me, maintaining your erection, and bring forward the excited child-puto who wants to celebrate the many gifts of pain and pleasure is Miss Emily is going to offer him. Look at me, and with glad heart, thank me. You may not ejaculate.
6. Refresh the incense if necessary.
7. Prostate yourself, face down – preferably on a cold bare surface – for 15 minutes. You may not stimulate your genitals. Focus your mind on becoming still. Allow the excited child to run-off. Feel the tranquillity of flaccidness. Allow the chill to represent the steely spirit of Miss Emily entering into you, calming the rowdy fire of your turbulent soul.
8. Return to the basic position, kneeling, making your cock erect again.
9. Masturbate vigorously for 10 minutes, focusing on my face. You may not ejaculate.
10. While masturbating, urinate over my face until your bladder is empty.
11. Roll your body around in the pool of pee until you have completely bathed it in.
12. Lick my photo clean of urine.
13. You now have exactly ONE minute to masturbate and ejaculate over my face – stimulate your anus with your finger to assist.
14. If you succeed in ejaculating, you may clean up, and report back to me. If you fail, place your genitals over the lighted candle to a point where you can feel the heat for two minutes, acknowledging with thanks that I have brought you the gift of this pain. Then clean up and report back to me.
15. You may not sexually stimulate yourself any further until your next instructions. If you get an erection you are not to encourage it, instead attempt to deflate it by, for example, going to the toilet. As per standing orders, if Miss Ginger requires anything from you, you will serve her gladly and fully.
