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Celestial Reviews 270 - March 28, 1998 Note: It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and two feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs!" This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, the husband quickly grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, throws her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache." Second note: A lady wanted bigger breasts, and so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said he would like her to try an exercise before surgery, and see how it works first. He stood up to demonstrate, held his arms straight out to the side, rotated them counterclockwise, and said, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust; if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust." The doctor had her try it. Then he told her to do it as often as she could, and to come back in a week. One week later, she was back at the doctor, and told him that it didn't work. The doctor asked her how often she did the exercise, and she said 4-5 times a day. The doctor told her to do it more often, 30 times a day at least, and told her to come back again in a week. She followed his instructions, performing the exercise whenever she could. One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust; if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust." The man in front of her turned around, asked if she was seeing Dr. Johnson. "Yes, how did you know?" she queried. The man faced her, placed both hands on his hips, moved his hips in a circular motion, and began, "Hickory dickory dock......." Third note: This one's apparently true: In Melbourne, Australia, one of the radio stations paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the proud owner $300. As the lady said . . . I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist, when early one morning I received a call from his office that I had been rescheduled for an appointment early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was around 8:45 a.m. already. The trip to his office usually took about thirty-five minutes; so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash "in that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car, and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when the doctor called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from there. I was a little surprised when he said, "My . . . we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normally - some shopping, cleaning, the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 18-year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in it." Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste |