The first rule is, and must be, honesty. More than any other relationship, D/s relationships depend on honesty. That honesty must go both ways. The slave must be honest with her Master, and the Master must be honest with his slave. Even more important than that, each person must be honest with themselves. Without that, there can be no honesty between the partners.

Honesty is not just telling the truth when asked a question. Honesty must also show through in actions, reactions, and motives. Honesty must be proactive. It doesn't wait for a question to give an answer. An honest partner shares information which has the potential to affect the course of the partnership, whether in major or minor ways. This rule is by no means exclusive to D/s relationships; it should be the first rule in any relationship.

It is important to recognize the definitions of punishment vs. pleasure. If a slave enjoys the whip, it is not a punishment, and should not be treated as so. If the slave enjoys the whip, the whip should become a reward. To continue to use it as a punishment is to propagate a lie. That lie will infect the relationship and the flow of control. When a desired thing is used as a punishment (e.g. the whip), the slave will follow a path towards that thing. Behavior which will lead to the whip will become the standard. The slave will purposely misbehave in order to be punished. If the Master allows this, then the flow of control has been broken; the slave is directing the course of events.

A D/s relationship is a partnership. It requires work and understanding from both ends of the spectrum. Where as a normal relationship is a paring of equals, a D/s relationship is a complementary paring; a positive and a negative--opposites which fit together

This is not a game. While it may be fun to play at Master & Servant to spice up a more vanilla relationship, that is not the same as being Master and slave. A relationship is not a scene. The positions are not roles which can be stepped into and out of at will. It is not something that is left in the bedroom or in the bar. A D/s relationship is a way of living. Just as Christians do not leave their beliefs at the door to the church, Masters and slaves do not leave theirs in the bedroom. This does not mean that every moment of every day must have the Master spouting orders and the slave kneeling at his feet. It means that the lessons taught are to flow through all actions. A slave is taught to be poised and polite. That behavior should be exhibited to her Master as he enters his home, to the coworker in her office, and to the old man standing in line at the grocery store.

Limits are negotiable, and limits are not. Every person has limits. Some are soft limits, others are hard limits. It is the responsibility of the Master to know the limits of his slave, and understand the difference in the two. At the very beginning, both Master and slave must sit down and discuss the slave's past experiences, her soft limits and her hard limits. It is part of the goal of the Master to expand the limits of the slave--to push her past her limits with deliberate and careful skill.

A Master who pushes with skill will expand the experience of his slave, add to her skills, and shape her into the person she can become. He must listen to her, hear her complaints and protests, and know if they come from fear of the unknown, or from approaching--or crossing--a limit which should not be crossed. The Master who listens can follow the lines and curves of the slave's limits and shape his work to meet the inherent form of the slave's personality and potential. A Master who ignores the limits of his slave, and pushes her to where he wishes without regard to the shape of her potential, will only break her and destroy the trust that is essential to the relationship.

Authority must be given, trust must be earned. The essential exchange in any D/s relationship is consent for trust. The slave must give herself to her Master. He cannot attempt to take her. The Master must earn the trust of his slave, he cannot demand it. At the start, the slave will attempt to reserve a great deal of control for herself. It may not be deliberate, but it will happen. It is human nature. As the relationship progresses, however, a good Master will prove himself worthy of the slave's trust. In turn, the slave will relax her grip on the closely-held core of self-control she hides from both her Master and herself. Eventually, if both partners are honest and devoted, the exchange of trust for control will be as complete as their potential will allow.

Not only must the slave trust the Master, but the Master must trust the slave. He must trust her to be honest with him about her fears, her pleasures, her desires, and her needs. He must trust her to *not* give in completely to him until she is properly trained and prepared to do so. He must trust her to follow his rules when he is away. And most of all, he must trust her word that she truly has given her consent. These exchanges of trust and control are at the very heart of the D/s relationship. They will set the direction for the entire process. They will either cement it with their honesty, or poison it with their lies.

While safewords have their place in situations which are more transitory--such as scenes, swings & swaps, and anonymous fucks in road-side bathrooms--in an on-going relationship, they are both dishonest, and unnecessary. A D/s relationship needs to be built on honesty and trust. Safewords get in the way of that. A sub must mean what she says. A Master must trust what the sub says.

A slave is to be honest at all times. That includes during situations of punishment, rewards, or sex. She must be honest not only with her Master, but with herself. And this is where safewords fail. A slave who says "stop" but doesn't mean it, is lying. A slave must force herself to think about what it is she is saying--even in the heat of passion or under the pain of punishment.

It is very important for a slave to reach what she believes her limits to be and not say stop. The slave must put her trust in her Master and let him push her past those limits. If he is a good Master, he will do so with deliberate care and great attentiveness. A slave who says "stop" while still wanting her Master to push her farther is lying. Using an arbitrary 'safeword' in place of 'stop' removes the honesty from the situation, and allows the slave to lie to her Master. In D/s relationships, more than any other, honesty is essential. It is the prime drive of the training process; to make the slave admit to what she really is--to draw her from her shell of expectations, limitations, and fears, and mold her into her "true" self.

A safe rule to follow is the rule of threes. In the beginnings of computer programming, it was common to use the philosophy "I tell you three times" as a redundancy in making any changes to a program. A similar philosophy is wise when dealing with a slave. A slave must be allowed to call a stop. However, she cannot be allowed to abuse this power. The rule of three helps to assure this.

When a stop is called, all activities should cease as quickly as safely possible. It is then the responsibility of the slave to explain--in explicit detail--as to exactly why she called for the stop. Nothing further should progress until both the Master and the slave understand what was wrong. The Master must then modify his tactics to take the new information into consideration, and proceed towards the goal by a different path. It is, however, fully acceptable for the Master to administer a mild punishment in payment for the slave's call to stop.

This is how it should happen for the first and second stops; stop, explain, understand, readjust, and proceed. On the third stop, however, it is over. The slave has "told three times," and "stop" has become the new rule. With the third stop, it should become evident that the slave is not prepared to accept the responsibilities of her status, or turn herself over fully to the hands of her Master. After the third stop, the relationship is over.

It should be remembered that this rule refers to 3 stops in the entire relationship. It may, however, be more feasible to section the training process off into levels or grades, and allow 3 stops per level. This, however, may create problems in allowing the slave too much control over the process.

There is a difference between a "stop", which is an absolute, and a plea to 'go no further', which is not an absolute, and may be noted or ignored as the Master deems best.