Tween Magazine
I Can’t Believe They Actually MADE That!
by ‘this guy’
As you already know, we at Tween Magazine believe that for a tweenager to be happy and healthy, a tweenager must be well informed. Our new products correspondent, C. Remy Pii has been testing out new, exciting and sometimes unusual products for years. Some of our readers have brought a number of downright bizarre products they’ve found on the internet to our attention recently. Here’s how they stack-up.
Shoot-through Penis Extender Condoms
What it is:
Basically it’s a fairly standard condom, except the tip is an inch thick and has a hole all the way through it.
How it works:
Like a regular condom, except using one won’t prevent pregnancy.
Cool facts:
There’s a version available where the hole is lined in a moisture reactive dye that will make the cum shot through it red, blue, orange, or green.
Why would anyone buy it: It effectively makes a guy’s penis longer…enough said.
Our rating:
Two thumbs up: does the job its intended to quite well…
Rocking Horse Fucking Machine
What it is:
Think of an old-fashion child’s rocking-horse: a somewhat crude wooden horse with curved wood rails attached to the horse’s hooves. Protruding through a hole in the horse’s “saddle” is a dildo attached to the tail (which is always in the same position relative to the floor) with a counter-balance mechanism.
How it works:
The heavy tail remains in the same position relative to the floor regardless of the horse being rocked forward or backwards. This in turn moves the dildo up-and-down through the hole on the saddle.
Cool facts:
It is available in four colors (gray, black, white, and brown) with dildos of different lengths.
Why would anyone buy it:
Since it is sized for a young (four to seven year old) child we can’t imagine why anyone would.
Our rating:
?: we can figure out why they made it.
WATERPROOF BOXERS WITH FUNNEL AND URINE FLASK
What it is:
Men’s boxer-short underwear made of neoprene with elastic leg-bands; a small funnel in the crotch connected to a plastic flask with a flexible plastic hose…
How it works:
The wearer can urinate whenever and wherever they are: the urine will simply drain out of the shorts through the funnel, flow down the tube into the flask which is supposed to be worn on a leg.
Cool facts:
It is available in three colors (black, white, and red) and works effectively for both males and females.
Why would anyone buy it:
It is meant for old people with bladder control issues.
Our rating:
Two thumbs up: does what is supposed to do flawlessly.
SKY-HIGH HEELS 22-INCH STILETTO
What it is:
Essentially a pair of “conventional” high-heel shoes with a 22” tall stiletto heel and a 17” high platform toe.
How it works:
Like any other high-heel shoe.
Cool facts:
It is available in black patent leather only, in sizes ranging from 2-1/2 to 17.
Why would anyone buy it:
They make an interesting conversation piece? Other than that we’re not sure.
Our rating:
If you want to actually walk in them: two (middle) fingers up: it isn’t possible.
If you just want an interesting sculpture: one thumb up: interesting, but too odd.
SILICONE BABY-BUMP IMPLANT
What it is:
A huge surgical pouch filled with silicone jelly: think giant breast implant, intended to make a woman look pregnant.
How it works:
Surgically implanted under the skin of the belly it makes a woman look pregnant.
Cool facts:
It is available in multiple sizes.
Why would anyone buy it:
We can’t even begin to imagine…
Our rating:
?: we can’t figure out why they made it.
CHILDREN’S GLOW-IN-THE-DARK UNDERWEAR
What it is:
Fairly conventional children’s underwear, except eh fabric glows in the dark.
How it works:
The fabric is coated with glow-in-the-dark dyes/chemicals.
Cool facts:
It is available in all children’s sizes for both girls and boys.
Why would anyone buy it:
To sooth kids who are afraid of the dark?
Our rating:
Two thumbs up: does what is supposed to.
LOLITA EXCRETION CONTROL BELT
What it is:
It’s essentially a chastity belt.
How it works:
The wearer can urinate whenever and wherever they are: the urine will simply drain out of the shorts through the funnel, flow down the tube into the flask which is supposed to be worn on a leg.
Cool facts:
It is available in three colors (black, white, and red) and works effectively for both males and females.
Why would anyone buy it:
The manufacturer claims it purpose is to prevent tweenage girls growing up in rape-centric cultures from being raped.
Our rating:
Two (middle) fingers up: while it doesn’t allow access to the vagina or anus without a key, it completely prevents the wearer from being able to relieve herself.
There were a number of other products which we decided not to review (mostly because of their stated intended uses, including: a cervix stretcher, a creampie plug, and others too bizarre to mention.
Another article from
Tween Magazine, Ask Anita Cock - A Tween Advice Column
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Author’s note: to the best of “this guy” (the author)’s none of these products actually exist.
