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You will
probably discover a better answer to this
question through the stories I write
though I'd still like to take this
opportunity to introduce myself.
I was
nearly thirty years old before I had my
first truly satisfying sexual encounter.
This may or may not seem remarkable
depending on your own sexual awakenings
but for me it was made more remarkable by
the fact this epiphany happened because I
was tied up and blindfolded at the time.
It wasn't the first time I'd ever been in
bondage or even the first time anything
really kinky had happened to me. But it
was the first time I had a partner who
made me feel I wasn't completely out of my
mind to feel good about enjoying what I've
since come to realize is a deviant sexual
side to my nature which I kept completely
hidden from everybody.
Since
that first time my partner, who I
subsequently married, has been slowly
pushing me into a world I never dreamed
existed. A world where all my wildest,
darkest and most secret fantasies can come
true. It didn't happen overnight. My
husband has had the patience of a pebble
and for the first six or so years we were
married he was the only other living soul
who knew anything of my deepest perverse
desires.
It was
about four years ago that my husband help
me take my first steps towards fulfilling
a fantasy that we'd long shared in private
together: of me being forced to submit to
other people. I have complete stories of
how these first steps were taken, and I'll
be posting them in due course, but enough
to say that once this door had been opened
to me it's become impossible to
close.
In the
earliest days of my public surrender it
was my husband who orchestrated
everything. The experiences all took place
in a BDSM club which we joined together
and initially it was my husband who
recruited the others who would be called
on to dominate me. I relished every moment
of these first experiences and found I
couldn't get enough of the intense
pleasure they game me.
All the
while these first steps were being taken
in public I was privately writing down
more and more of my fantasies; fantasies
which were an extension of the things
happening to me in real life. I also began
spending most of my online time roaming
the Internet for every bit of information;
every tantalizing BDSM website and email
list I could get my hands on to feed my
fantasies. It became an exponential
learning curve, seeing first hand that
there were literally thousands of people
who shared my darkest fantasies - those of
being forced into submission for the
sexual gratification of strangers.
It took
another year or so after this before I
felt comfortable confessing to myself that
I derived the greatest pleasure from
humiliation. Not the violent kinds of
degradation, although it appears as if
there's a very large number of women out
there who do like it rough. My kind is the
kind where I'm coerced; where I'm somehow
trapped with a decision to make and I have
to CHOOSE to do something which ultimately
embarrasses or humiliates me.
At
around this same time I began forming my
own Yahoo groups in which to share my
stories. Not just my fantasies but stories
of some of the wonderfully satisfying
experiences I was having with my husband
in our local BDSM scene. But the more I
wrote the more I wanted to illustrate my
stories with pictures. Initially I started
to do this using pictures I had collected
from the net although I also had already
ten or so Polaroids my husband had taken
of me naked and bound.
I held
back posting any of the scans I had of
these Polaroids for quite a while. There
was always a fear in the back of my mind
that somebody I knew might chance upon
them but this ironically became the
compelling impetus to throw caution to the
wind and pursue a fantasy I'd not even
told my husband about. I harbored an
irresistible urge to have somebody I knew;
anybody I knew who on making this
discovery would force me to surrender to
them in ways completely outside of my
control.
It was
still another six or so months before a
way to make this fantasy a reality
presented itself. I had by now already
posted my small collection of embarrassing
Polaroid scans to quite a few places
although because of the low quality of
them there was little chance of anybody I
knew ever recognizing me in them. That
rapidly changed after my husband invested
in a digital camera and went on a picture
taking frenzy.
Synchronicity is often
explained as the same idea occurring to
two people separately. This is what
happened between my husband and myself and
what ultimately led to my realization that
the two main ways I dream of being forced
to submit are through kinky games or as a
result of being blackmailed. My husband
was actually first to combine both for me
although it was a once-off thing for him
and I never let him know how much I
really, really enjoyed the thrill he gave
me.
What he
did was devilishly simple and it played
straight to the heart of my fantasies. He
had been fooling around with a lot of
photos he'd taken of me bound naked at our
BDSM club and cropped a dozen or so
pictures down so that only my feet could
be seen. He pasted these into a desktop
sized picture and invented a little
"guessing game" which he intended sending
to a friend of his - a man we both knew
had a kinky foot fetish but who had no
idea either of us (me particularly) were
into anything kinky ourselves. The most
thrilling part of this game was my husband
made ME press the send button.
That
moment immediately after watching that
email disappear into the ether gave me a
thrill I can't put into words! The thought
that a game which could ultimately lead to
deep and lasting embarrassment whenever my
husband's friend was around was now
unstoppable in motion was so wildly
arousing it remains a constant and vivid
memory which I want to live and relive
over and over.
My
husband's friend never replied and it's
doubtful after all this time he even
realized where the email came from. My
husband lost interest after the game
fizzled but I didn't. Ever since I've been
playing variations of this same game with
different people although it took until
last year for anything really exciting to
actually manifest in real life.
This
group is yet another extension and
variation of these blackmail games
although I'm not these days as active in
wanting to make things happen in real life
again. I found that sometimes the reality
just can't live up to the expectations
created in fantasy however I will be
sharing all the stories as time passes so
you can decide that for yourselves. I
think also I've found that a large part of
my pleasures comes from the "uncertainty";
that period between setting a string of
events into motion and waiting for the
consequences.
Anyway,
I hope that goes some of the way to
explaining a little about me.
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