The Musings of an Idle Mind
or
Things That Go 'Bump' in my Head

I thought up a Voluntary Ratings System for authors to use. All they have to do is select one of these banner images to put on their stories:

February 21, 2003
I had every intention of making what follows an annual post, during the first week in April. That's when I first posted it. The events on my 52nd birthday (yesterday) drove home that its always true. It's how I feel. It's why I have this website and why I participate in the discussion newsgroup, ASSD.

Original words are bold. Last year's words are italicised.

Tapestry

It has been roughly a year now (nearly two years now) since I stopped lurking and started posting at ASSD. An interesting year. Does anyone remember one of my first posts?

I said, "ASSD *is* a tapestry." It still is.

"I should have lurked for a year, or at least a month, before disengaging the cloaking devices. So many beautiful threads, weaving through one another. I *still* haven't read enough of them. I couldn't help myself." I've read a lot more, looking for insights and explanations, and I *still* haven't read enough of them. Nothing has changed - there is always more to read.

"So many artists, working apart together. So many beautiful stories. Some gushingly gorgeous (in more ways than one); some haunting, some hilarious, some heart-rending. And always the posts, tweaking or flirting, sharing even when flames lick at the threads, unraveling the edges." I said it then; I believe it today. Writers and posters have left. New ones have arrived. New weavers in the brilliant, faded, chaotic tapestry that makes up ASS*. I still feel the same!

"Such beautiful threads, even snipped as AOL does." (Did, may do again. Not important.) " Start with an observation on dresses... or the deficiencies of fast-food emplyees... - weave madly about in chain-of-thought, never knowing where the thoughts will go, inspiring new threads, new rants, new flames and *old flames*.

"I will *never* catch up on all the e-mailed blowjobs to all of you who have given me tears and laughter and somber recollection and peaceful joy. I can't even think of all of your names, though many of you are saved in my favorites. My truest favorites are the romances, but there are so many others. And do you all see, this tapestry of an NG is a romance in itself." The more things change, the more they are the same.

"If ANY of you ever tell yourself, 'I'd keep writing if only I'd gotten just one (or one more) response to the story', please consider *this* that response. One slow-to-respond reader wants you to know you *are* appreciated." And that *hasn't* changed! I'm farther behind than ever but I still mean this post, a year later. (Make that almost 2 years later.)

Now, DrSpin and I joked in Fish Tank 32 - I said unqualified praise was my bailiwick - he said I was falling behind. But he was the only one to respond, a year agao. He said:

"This is what we need - some full-frontal idolatry.

"Seriously, I recall Gary writing to me once or twice (I remember the cocoa address). If he's also doing that to others, he is doing us a mighty good service. No matter how blase we pretend to be, all of us thrive on mail from readers.

"Thanks. If you keep on like this, we'll let you light the bonfire at the Coven of Bliss."

I added "Torchbearer, Coven of Bliss" to my sig immediately after. I'm surprised but pleased to find I still feel the same way after a year. It's a *big* tapestry, and it will cover a lot of wall. There's more than enough room for the Urfe's, Uthers and Spins, the Katherine Ts and Father Nats, Ooshes, Vinnies, many Franks and We3Girls and Editors and Reviewers and Collectors and... hell, you all know who you are. Half of you are on my favorites page, and that just means I need to update.

It's been a great year. Thanks!

Gary Jordan
"Old submariners never die. It's not within their scope."
I have *never* done that before.
I didn't do it this time.
And I'll never do it again.
(And this time, I mean it!)

I never celebrated birthdays. I *observed* them. A birthday just meant a cake with candles after dinner, and ma tante Cecile would send a card with $5.00 in it. The only exception was my 18th birthday, in 1969, when a friend dropped by and talked me into coming over to his house. There, my 5 closest friends (including my girlfriend, who'd said she wasn't available that night - sorry) yelled "Surprise!" and made a permanent memory. Poker, soda-pop, chips and dip, and comradery. I'll never forget it.

Yesterday, another even more permanent memory was made. My friends, my online family (and you are, all of you!) yelled "Surprise!" Over twenty stories with the common theme of "Chocolate," many of them containing a character named Gary, and all wishing me a happy birthday! That 18 year old kid was never moved to cry - well, the tapestry is water-stained now.

Thank you! Thank you all!

Gary's Oral Sex Principle

Okay, I admit it. This is just a more politically correct version of Celeste's Blowjob Principle. You should still think of Celeste instead of me whenever you say "Oral Sex Principle."

How does it work? I'm glad you asked.

When a writer posts a story on usenet or the web, they are doing something designed to give a reader pleasure, and something that may give them some satisfaction in the doing. If the reader received pleasure from reading, then they might compare the exercise to receiving oral sex. (That's the politically correct part - I don't assume all my readers are male, so I avoid saying "blowjob.")

Now, it is well known that if you receive oral sex, and you want to receive it again, you'd better let the person performing it know you enjoyed it. Just lying there will lead the giver to believe they weren't any good at all, and they might never do it again.

The OSP works both ways. I, and most of my fellow authors that I've talked to, derive pleasure from receiving feedback. Often, it's the only payment we receive. But, since you're giving us pleasure, then we might compare the feedback to receiving oral sex. That prompts us, especially me, to respond to feedback.

Before you know it, we've got a regular orgy going.

A note for my male heterosexual readers - I'm heterosexual myself. It isn't the oral sex, it's the principle. Or at least, that's what I always told my wife.

Gary's Not Very Frequently Asked Questions

Q. Where do you get ideas for your stories?

A. Some authors are born to great ideas - others have ideas thrust upon them. I blame/credit my World Class Editor™. I have proof in the form of posts, e-mails, and ICQ history files that it is All His Fault. (He shares Assistant Muse status with Alexis Siefert, these days.)

Q. Do you write and post using your real name?

A. Yes. My name really is Gary Jordan. I tried to think of a clever nym to write and post under, but Hyman Rickover was already taken.

Q. Are you really a chocoholic?

A. No, I'm a chocolate abuser. My late wife was a chocoholic, and our daughter inherited the gene responsible.

Q. Are you one of those people who has an answer for everthing?

A.

Q. What are the Silver Clitorides Awards?

A. The Silver Clitorides Awards are a monthly adjunct of the annual Golden Clitorides Awards. They allow recognition of stories and their authors, and an ego boost, and they're fun. And I get to run them.

Q. How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Won -and if the litebulb was briliant befor, it will be luminecent when he gets done with it. One. If the lightbulb was brilliant before, it will be incandescent when edited.

Q. I've compared your pic with that William Hickey guy at Ruthie's Club. Is that a coincidence?

A. Yes. I'm obviously FAR more handsome than that dissipated old fart.

Q. Are there any other questions?

A. No.

It has been my experience that no one in the ASS* community has any quarrel whatsoever with the several FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions). It is the FQA (Frequently Questioned Answers) which generate flame wars, 300 post threads, and ill feelings in general.

As a group, ASS* stands firmly for the First Amendment, declaring with one voice that erotica/smut/pornography (you pick an appellation) is Protected Free Speech.

Let an individual within this group venture an opinion on story codes, the fairness of contest rules, the FQA (see above), the value of reviews or reviewers...

I've been musing about some of the Big Questions of Life, lately.

Since that didn't turn up anything useful to share, I turned to some of the lesser questions; copyright and story codes.

With regard to copyright:

U.S. and International Law say that anything I publish, whether in print or on the web, is mine, mine, mine! I own it. There are debates on the question of property rights, and on what the law should be, but there is no question of what the current laws state.

So let's make it easy. I hereby grant the right to copy my stories, as published on the web at ASSTR, to anyone so inclined, provided only that my name and current e-mail address remain with the story. Copy them, print them, put them on your site, pass them around in e-mail, make a buck if you can - so long as I get credit as author. Have a ball.

With regard to story codes:

Story Codes are one way to advertise a story, to help readers find stories they like, and to avoid stories they don't. Their drawback is that they can misinform, that the same codes in different groups mean different things, that they can be like a straitjacket on the story.

I reached a compromise with myself. I code stories at Stories Online, because that's in the nature of that site. I'll try to code stories the very first time they are posted to Alt.Sex.Stories.Moderated. That's the extent of my coding. Reposts will not be coded. Stories on this site will not be coded (some are, at the moment, but that will be changed.) And that's the end of the discussion. For some of the ongoing debate, google over to newsgroup Alt.Sex.Stories.D and search for "story codes". It gets quite lively at times.

My score on the 500 question Sex Purity Test was over 79%. I'm too bleeding innocent to write these stories. I need to conduct some field research. (There are several intern positions open on my research staff. Any volunteers?)

You want a really good pizza crust? Put the following in your bread machine:
12 oz beer (preferably a good beer)
3 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp sugar
1.5 tsp salt
4 cups bread flour
(optional: 1 tbsp Italian seasoning)
3 tsp yeast
Run it through your regular "dough" cycle (2 lbs). When it comes out,
divide in 2 (or leave whole for a thick crust) and roll it out to cover
whatever baking sheet you have handy. Take a fork and poke a buttload of
little dimples into the crust. Pre-bake 5-7 minutes; you can then either
freeze it for later use or add sauce and toppings and finish the pizza
however you like.
-wg
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Wiseguy/www

How's this for figuring out a way to store recipes?

Bread Machine Mix
(makes mix for about 3 loaves of bread)
13 cups of flour (9 white, 4 wheat or 8:5-- any more wheat and the bread is too
dense)
2 tablespoons salt
½ cup sugar
½ cup instant non-fat dry milk
Mix well. Re-mix (or shake) before making a loaf.
To make a large loaf:
1. Put 1 egg in a measuring cup and add enough warm water to equal 1¼ cup.
2. Add 1½-tsp vegetable oil
3. Add 3 1/3 cup bread mix
4. If desired, add 1 T gluten (found in the bulk section at Fred Meyer)
5. Add 2 tsp. active dry yeast
Cook on basic/white bread on a light or medium setting. This recipe works well
with the timer delay.
Alexis
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Alexis_S/

Subject: That Cookie Recipe
From: Ace Lightning ace.lightning@verizon.net
Date: 9/9/01 12:52 AM Eastern Daylight Time
Message-id: <3B9AF590.9CAAC3FA@verizon.net>

Since Trav mentioned it, and several people have requested
it... here's the recipe for the spiced chocolate cookies
he likes so much. (Sorry I haven't gotten around to putting
the metric equivalents in.)

         Black Chocolate Cookies

3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) butter, softened
1 1/2 cups dark brown sugar, firmly packed
1 tablespoon dark molasses
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 ounce (1 square) unsweetened chocolate, melted and cooled
2 eggs
2 cups all-purpose flour (unbleached preferred)
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground mace

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Cover a cookie sheet with aluminum
foil and grease it lightly. Using an electric mixer if possible,
beat the butter, sugar, molasses, and vanilla together until light
and fluffy. Add the melted chocolate, then beat in the eggs. Sift
the remaining dry ingredients together to mix thoroughly and
eliminate lumps. Gradually add to the butter mixture, until
everything is completely combined. Drop by scant teaspoonfuls onto
the prepared cookie sheet, leaving room for the cookies to spread
out. Bake for approximately 10 minutes; they will still be somewhat
soft to the touch. Remove from the cookie sheet with a metal spatula
and place on wire racks to cool. Repeat until all the dough is used
up, replacing the aluminum foil (and re-greasing) as necessary. Cool
completely, then store in an airtight container such as a large
"zipper" freezer bag. The flavors will be more intense the following
day.

WARNING: eat at your own risk!

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day (no matter what time it is served).

"Virginity is like a balloon; one prick and it's gone forever." -unknown

George Carlin, one of my favorite stand-up comics, created a sketch called "The Seven Words You Can't Say On Television." Based on the drivel currently being aired in prime time, I think those words were "You can not underestimate the audience's intelligence."

My answer is...World Peace.

I'm sorry. What was the question?

"Stay but a little. I will come again."

Shakespeare was one of US.

neu*ro*sis (noun), plural -ro*ses [New Latin] First appeared circa 1784: a mental and emotional disorder that affects only part of the personality, is accompanied by a less distorted perception of reality than in a psychosis, does not result in disturbance of the use of language, and is accompanied by various physical, physiological, and mental disturbances (as visceral symptoms, anxieties, or phobias)

erot*i*ca (noun plural but singular or plural in construction) [New Latin, from Greek erotika, neuter plural of erotikos] First appeared 1854
1 : literary or artistic works having an erotic theme or quality
2 : depictions of things erotic

neu*rot*i*ca (noun plural but singular or plural in construction) [combining form] First appeared some time ago:
1 : A rock group
2 : literary or artistic works having an erotic theme or qualty involving a somewhat distorted perception of reality accompanied by various mental disturbances (as visceral symptoms, anxieties or phobias) e.g. the works of various authors found on ASS* {see also: squick}

"...you also have to remember the fragile writer's ego is something you can't always control. How I interpret what you say isn't your problem. It's mine." - anon747b@aol.com (Anne747)

Maybe if I commit these words to memory...

One of the harsher truths of Real Life is that a thousand "Attaboys" are wiped out by a single "Awshit."

"I always get the shakes before a drop."

If you recognize those words, and they bring a smile to your face, you can share my chocolate stash any time you drop by.

Many of the constituents of ASSD hold dual netizenship in Alt.Callahans, AKA 'the Place'. Callahan's is loosely based on the bar described in Callahan's Cross-time Saloon and other works by Spider Robinson. I don't know that The Place is unique in Usenet, but it is unique in my (limited) experience. And Callahans is not easily described; it must be experienced.

I came across this post, and I immediately contacted the author for permission to quote it (in whole or in part) rather than linking to it. With permission of the author:

Subject: Anger Does Not = Hate
From: awingedchimera@aol.comnet.com (A Winged Chimera)
Date: 9/10/01 4:24 PM Eastern Daylight Time
Message-id: <20010910162422.27641.00000241@nso-fk.aol.com>

"I just glanced through the Thread That Ate Callahans ... and saw that phrase...

And it reminded me of one of my favorite episodes and moments of Highlander:The Series...

Amanda, the thief, newly Immortal.... decides to steal the Methulselah Stone from her teacher Rebecca, and sneak away in the middle of the night.

Rebecca catchers her, and furious, throws Amanda's sword (this is a matter of survival, the only way to kill an Immortal is to cut off their head) at Amanda and growls, "You weren't going to leave without THIS were you? Give me back the crystals. You will not steal from ME!" Amanda looks at her, confused that Rebecca still thinks Amanda deserves to defend herself, because there she is standing red handed with the stone ... a few moments later Rebecca gives Amanda an ultimatum ... "Go, and steal. Or stay and LEARN." and Amanda is shocked, "You ... you mean I can stay?" Rebecca softens, "Of course you can stay. Has no one ever forgiven you before?" And Amanda shakes her head, no. Rebecca takes the stone, hands Amanda the sword, and leads her back inside to finish her training.

A valuable lesson for most people, I think ... That anger passes and forgiveness is always an option."

TBird <------ that's my 0.02
~ ~
"Heresy is hard to burn
Because fire is what it's all about."
    - Libby Roderick

If I have taught no other lesson to my children, I hope that I have taught this one.

I hope I remember it myself.

Given the events of September 11, 2001, I feel it important to point out that the above quoted post is dated September 10, 2001. And that it still applies.