OK, no excuses, just go and write stuff, now. What, you want a bit of advice first? Well here is my 12 steps programme.
1. Write for your local audience
I'm British. It would be very tempting for me to write for an American or International English audience. But don't, the differences runs deep, and you'll never be able to write convincingly for everyone. You'll just sound phony, or worse, like business English. The difference are just to great. You say ToeMayToe ... I say TomMarToe and all that.
OK, so actually I say Genetically Modified, Water Injected, Agribusiness-Produced Muck, but that's another topic. If you are a direct, straightforward, on the level kinda regular guy (or shallow American, as I might call you) you might get a bit pissed when dealing with the Brits and their imperial castoffs (Aussies, Kiwis, South Africans, etc). This is partly because I think getting pissed is getting drunk, and you think it's getting annoyed. So here's some hints and tips on crossing just that Anglo-American cultural chasm.
1. In Britian, it is very very rude to be direct to a stranger (which is why Americans are often thought to be rude, whereas they think they are just being honest and up front). The object of the exercise is not to give or cause offence, or indeed, not to RISK causing offence: civility is highly prized in England.
So, when you initially meet someone, you dance around conversationally on some safe topic, slipping in the odd bit of coded language (a bit of flippancy here, a touch of sarcasm there, some reference to a shared cultural icon that will obliquely indicate whether you are hip or straight or whatever) to help establish that you're a regular gal. If the other person "gets it", then you can begin to chat in a more direct way. This is what people usually mean when they say the English are reserved.
2. In Britain, you can only be rude to people you like. Indeed, the ruder you are, the closer your implied friendship is. So I can tell my sister to stop being such an arse-licking old slapper, and we'll both laugh, because she knows I'm being ironic.
Whereas to my Deputy Headmistress, who IS an arse-licking old slapper, I would never dream of telling her directly. (We don't like direct confrontation, it represents an unsophisticated failure to contain a situation and keep it civil). Indirectly, of course, I tell her that all the time, with exaggerated obedience to her commands, by ambiguous backhanded complaints, and by being a complete bitch behind her back and slagging her off to all my colleagues. This is where the stiff upper lip comes from, showing forbearance to idiots. Attractive, eh? Well, it's just a different culture.
3. In Britian, if you do actually have to be confrontational, you'd always preface it with "Excuse me but ..." or "Sorry, but ..." or "With respect ...". Of course, we're not sorry for something you have done, you are sorry for having to step outside the usual veneer of politeness and be confrontational.
Now in my understanding of your American culture, studied for many years through the medium of Dallas, the Dukes of Hazzard, Jerry Springer and Mork & Mindy, etc (so I really know what I'm talking about). Being direct and up front and blunt is proper behaviour, and if someone doesn't like what you say, tough, just deal with it.
Which is just about a full 180 degrees away from Brit (especially English) culture. So, while you sit chatting to a Brit / Aussie / NZ / South African whatever wondering, "why is they guy being such an arsehole (sorry, asshole), why doesn't he just TELL ME what he wants so we can move on". The Brit person is sitting there thinking, "oh God, another wanker, she not giving me any clues that she's on my wavelength, I wonder how I can skip out of this conversation without looking rude."
Now, you see, if you want to write, you really want to stay well clear of this cross-cultural minefield.
2. Don't forget we live in a postmodern era
You can't pretend that we haven't been here before.
So I had this terrible flash of ironic realisation: my family are all characters out of someone else's sexual fantasy:
My sister Kate is that long-blonde Playboy/Bond girl glamorous jet setting whore meets Sex in the City shopper (if you overlook her two boys).
My daughter Laura is that fresh-faced teen cheerleader blonde sex-bomb (if you overlook the lack of cheerleading in England).
My son Jack is that twinky angelic English public school boy who secretly practices to be England's next entrant in the Wanking Olympics (if you overlook that he doesn't go to a public school).
Anthony, my husband, is a "Queer as Folk" gay stud, perverter of the innocent (if you overlook his wife).
Robert, my brother-in-law, sadly gets to be that dirty middle-aged man married and merchant in other people's vice.
And me ... well, horror of horrors, I think I'm the Reader's Wife, MILF or Soccer Mum, stripping off in public in the last flush of my beauty.
You see, ghastly, isn't it. When you start to think ironically, you just can't stop, and taking things seriously becomes a major problem.
3. Words Matter
Ever wondered what's the difference between pert breasts and perky breasts? Well the answer is that pert breasts are small and rounded, and pretty much stay still, unless you do excessive physical activity, like running upstairs. In which case all women lose track of where their titties get to.
Perky breasts are small too, though probably a little bigger than pert breasts, and often pointy. But there special characteristic is their urge to move. They're too small to move far, but if you watch them closely, they do delightful tiny little jitters and judders with motions of their owner's body.
I mention this factoid because they illustrate how nuisances of language can carry a disproportionate meaning. In short, words matter. So if writing about my and my sister Kate, you could say I have pert breasts and Kate has perky breasts. You wouldn't be wrong to say that we both have small breasts, except that in describing them the same way, you imply that they are much the same - glossing over the important differences.
So think about the words. You don't have have to work through an entire taxonomy of titties - or the complete dictionary of dicks. Just draw attention to the differences, and you'll paint a richer picture.
4. Details Matter
Tits also are a good example of my fourth tip. Tits are one of the universe's most beautiful creations, as they're constantly in a state of change. My tits may be small and pert - but when I raise my arms they lift and become perky. When I bend over they hang down, long and swaying. When I'm flat on my back (as normal) they flatten (even further) and try and sneak into my arm pits. And if I'm being fucked especially energetically, they bobble and bounce all over the place. And then of course, they become as tight as fat little drums just before my period.
So many facets to just my breasts ... and we haven't even started on the changes that occur to my nipples!!! So recall the details of that memory ... or lovingly dwell on the image of a fantasy, so that you can recall the details, allowing us to enjoy them too.
5. Motivation
So many erotic stories are just unerotic because they don't involve people. Instead they are populated with a strange alien race of fuck who, for no apparent reason, get their kit off and fuck like dogs on heat with total strangers.
Well, OK, a couple stories about fuck might be fun, but not thousands. It is most unsatisfactory to read a story with the Why question looming over you. People do stuff for a reason, and it is up to you to supply a satisfactory one if you want to make your story believable (and I assume you do, as an unbelievable story just doesn't get the juices flowing).
Of course, you don't have to provide the motivation straight away or even in huge detail. You can tease it out, gradually revealing it as you explore your erotic journey. But you do have to come up with a reason why a person is making themselves vulnerable by having sex, for example:
Sex for money
Sex to get fame or fortune
Sex for love (it happens)
Sex for infatuation
Sex for blackmail
Sex for revenge
Sex for babies
Plus of course there is the all to distressingly popular rape, and the nearly equally sad, sex to gain affection. Just think of the plot lines you see in soap operas (oh go on, watch a couple, it won't kill you; you might even learn something about people).
Remember, when a woman has sex she makes both her body and her reputation vulnerable, so she must have a pretty damn good reason for doing it - and you having a hot throbbing 10 inch pork sword, though not unimpressive, is not sufficient.
My own little cheat for this is to write about the people in my real life. This allows me to take the fun and games we really get up to as a basis, embellish it in parts if I fancy, and be clear about who they are, what they want out of life, and what our emotional relationships are. In short, it helps keeps this grounded, and so make stuff more believable.
6. Cause and Effect
Remember that when something happens, there is an effect. If you stick you cock up someone's arse, it's fairly likely to have an effect (well it fucking well does to me). So remember to write about that effect - as it will magnify the pleasure of reading about the cause.
7. Dialogue is Difficult
It is, it really is. I'm not very good at it, and if you feel uncomfortable with it, leave it out. Stick to the Third Person. If you do try writing dialogue, practice speaking the words out aloud - this will give you an idea if it sounds authentic or not.
8. Reread and REWRITE Your Work
I hate doing. You'll hate doing it. But before you rush to publish, sit on it for a few days, and then read it again. Trust me, you'll want to make changes. THE BIGGEST THING YOU CAN DO TO IMPROVE YOUR WRITING, IS TO REREAD IT, AND REWORK IT. Rewriting is what makes the difference between good and great.
9. Does it Turn You On
How do you know if your story is hot? Simple. Read it and see if it makes you wet, or hard, or hard and wet. If not, rewrite time.
10. Metaphors Help
Well they do. You just know what a girl with bushy pubes, or a neat fan, is like.
11. Clichés Don't Help
We all use them. But try and avoid them like the ... you know what.
12. There's More to Life than Sex: Characterisation
Well it's a theory, anyhow. Not every woman likes to suck cock, many think it's dirty ... and with the personal hygiene regimes of some men I've met, they have a point.
Not every man can cum five times a day, seven days a week, because his knob gets sore.
You can't normally have sex with teenagers because they might tell on you, and you'll go to gaol, not passing go, and not collecting £200.
Remember these incidentals, because if you can work them into your story, it'll be all the more horny for being grounded and better true to life characters
So allow the characters in your story to be characters. Let them be timid, or shy, or bold, or strident, or whatever, and allow that character to change (within a reasonable cause and effect) in the normal ways people recognise: people flower, people bloom, people come out of their shell (or sometimes go into one). Base your characters on someone you know, and ask yourself, what would they do in this situation.
Write
Just do it. And keep doing it until you get good. You will. I did (ish).