To define yourself in with a few words is tough. On the one hand, my dad
had a copy of Monty's biography in his study: three volumes - thousands of
pages; really, no one is that interesting!
On the other, I can't help feeling a bit like one of the contestants in Monty Pythons' All-England Summarise Proust contest, though obviously my life story isn't as long as À la Recherche du Temps Perdu. Still, the heroic futility of providing a character sketch of yourself seems to invite self-parody … so I've limited self to talking about three words that best describe me.
Mum
Yes, I know I shouldn't really define myself by my role as a mother. But it is so overwhelming a responsibility, and covers and clouds and changes you so much, it's silly to try and pretend otherwise.
So unlike the teenage me, I now like order and to know where I stand. It's being a mum. It's so hard to keep track of everything you have to do. Especially when you're as terribly forgetful as me, which is why I need routine and order and a great many post-it notes.
Of course, these days, "Soccer Mom" has become an object of desire. Lucky for me.
Brainy
Sure, I'm no Einstein. But still, a blonde with brains is like a vibrator with an ejectilte mechanism — not strictly necessary, but a nice addition anyhow.
Of course, a brain does equip me with those four "f" words: flippant, fatuous, facetious, and funny. Which helps a lot when it comes to the other "f" word, except when trying to take yourself seriously in a BDSM relationship.
Naughty
Without naughtiness there is just dull conformity. I refuse to be just another drab Stepford-wife drone: making meals and doing the laundry and the cleaning and the shopping and running a taxi service for my children.
I mean, sure, I do do all those things. You have to. But without kissing and pissing and shitting and fucking to pepper up my life, I would just die. Or become drug dependent. Or psychotic. Or just go la la la laaaa.
My sexy family helps keeps me in control. Without them I can't imagine what I'd be like. Some terrible old slapper with a string of gentleman friends who lavished expensive gifts on me … hmmm, doesn't sound so bad actually.
So, did that help get a better picture of me? Tricky isn't it. I've summarised myself in a checklist of the usual questions, but if yo have an unusual one, email me.
| Family | Thirty-something wife to Anthony, and mum to Laura and Jack | Height | 170cm | 5 foot 7 inches |
| Figure | 92A-70-90 | 36A-28-36 |
| Weight | 60kg | 9½ stone | 130 pounds |
| Hair | Long Blonde (natural), centre-parted, with a small fringe covering my high forehead |
| Eyes | Light Blue, set far apart |
| Breasts | Small, pert, slightly pendulous, with large areola covering 40% of my boobs and tall nipples |
| Vulva | I have a thin blonde bush above my pussy, which I sometimes shave off, or sometimes keep trim and short. My mons is quite shallow, and my labia run quickly back down between my legs. My outer labia are wide, soft and puffy. My inner labia protrude slightly, running up to my floppy clitoral hood, which covers the tall nub of my citreous |
| Bum | Well I'm all too keenly aware that my bum can get pretty big if I don't exercise. But I don't really know what my anus looks like, except it's not hairy, and plenty of folk are happy to kiss it, lick it, poke their tongues up it — so that seems like a vote of confidence |
| Best Sex Position | Well they all have their virtues, but being doggied is the most comfy for long fucks |
| Drugs | About 14 units a week, usually Gin & Tonic, Peach Schnapps, dry white wine or anything really. And I smoke few joints a week, usually Friday night. |
| Fitness | Running, Weights, Horse riding |
| Dress Sense | Lazy casual stuff that doesn't take any ironing. Can be glitzy if the
mood takes - I suit low-cut cocktail dresses and teddies that try and
make the most of my boobs. Though normally I prefer not to wear a bra.
I prefer to wear something I can fall down drunk in. My colours are usually pink and sky blue for casual, black or scarlet for more sexy formal |
| Politics | Left-wing Feminist pro sex |
| Star Sign | Leo (but it's all bollocks) |
| Education | MA |
| Religion | Atheist (collapsed Catholic) |
| Life Philosophy | Existentialist - Epicurean - Postmodern |
| Hobbies | Cooking, History, Photography (no, not porn pictures), Creating Erotic Web Experiences |
| Top TV | Star Trek, Ad Fab, Have I Got News for You, Big Brother, Simpsons, the History Channel |
| Top Films | 1 Brazil, 2 A Room with a View, 3 Brief Encounter, 4 Dr Strangelove, 5 Léon, 6 Wages of Fear, 7 The Matrix, 8 Now Voyager, 9 Arsenic and Old Lace, 10 This Is Spinal Tap, and all even numbered Star Trek films |
| Music | Intelligent Dance Music, Trance, Ambient, Drum n Bass, Jungle, Trip-Hop, Dance (or 'no taste whatsoever', according to some of my friends), plus a sad parade of progressive rock (eg Floyd, Yes) and electronic music (eg, Kraftwerk, Tangerine Dream) from the 70s. |