Everytime another two lovely young girls get abducted and murdered, it always seems incredible that people commit this sort of crime so stupidly that they are bound to get caught. Perhaps the perpetrators have some sort of death wish, or are just a bit thick? So I thought, how would you do it. How would you abduct someone so that you could enjoy a bit of torture and snuff or whatever, and not get caught?
Don't shit on your own doorstep
Don't just pop outside and snatch the first victim that takes your fancy.
The vast majority of abductions are committed locally, so the police commit
most of their resources to finding a local perpetrator.
Don't abduct someone you know
It may be fun to fantasise about abducting your goddaughter or the receptionist,
but don't. The public may get their knickers in a twist over the threat of
"stranger danger", but the police know that it's dads and uncles,
cousins, and family friends who perform the vast majority of abductions and
abuse.
Plus, you might just find yourself racked with guilt after the blood-rush has passed, which is always a bit of a give-away.
So always pick someone unknown to you. If you're lucky, his or her uncle will have a dodgy set of pictures on his computer and will be the prime suspect for weeks.
Don't abduct people others care about
People are fickle. Abduct a homeless child, no one will care. Abduct a nice
ordinary child, and the vast weight of police, media and public attention
will bear down on you. So don't abduct children or attractive young women,
especially if they are white, or middle-class. Otherwise you'll never hear
the end of it.
Don't conform to a pattern
So you may think, "I'll abduct an old bag-lady then, no one will make
much of a fuss over her". Fine, but don't keep on abducting bag-ladies,
or your become the "Bag Lady Slayer", and rise to public consciousness.
Don't go in for the grotesque
Like having a pattern, it's a form of attention seeking, so don't cut up your
Bag-Lady into little pieces and send her remains to all 652 Members of Parliament
- it's just asking for trouble.
Don't use your own stuff that places you near the crime scene
Don't use your own car. Don't use your mobile phone. Don't use your credit
or debit cards. Don't log into the internet. Go back to basics and avoid the
electronic world.
Don't use your own ordinary clothes
They're covered in your DNA. Get some ordinary clothes from a second-hand
charity shop (the shop not being where you live), and destroy them afterwards.
The clothes should be completely unremarkable. A witness description of you
should say you were a man or woman of ordinary height dressed in plain clothes.
Avoid CCT
City centres, car parks, waiting rooms in rail stations and the fronts
of shops, banks, offices and petrol stations, are all silently patrolled by
closed circuit televisions. That includes taking cash out of ATM machines
and buying tickets at ticket counters.
Don't Brag
There's no point taking all the care in the word, and then taunting the police
with letters with words cut out of newspapers telling them how stupid they
are, and how they'll never catch you. They hate that. You're just asking for
trouble.
and the twist…
Well of course, if you were sane enough to do all this - to be an
anonymous unremarkable abductor and killer who thoughtfully took care to avoid
drawing attention to yourself, and planned to be at an unknown place to take
an unknown person. Well then, of course, you wouldn't do it. Both because
you'd be too sane, and because, frankly, where's the fun?
It's exactly the torturing yourself, fantasising about the minxy little thing that is the object of your murderous desire that is The Fun. Take all the fun away with all that prudence, and why bother? That's why most abductions and murders are performed by local people who usually know you. Because they're the ones that matter to you. (And because most abductors and murders are lazy, stupid and greedy for excitement).
And just in case you can't spot the irony in this piece: there are no perfect crimes. Just a lot of people behind bars with the key thrown away and their lives in tatters.