Part 1 Continued

I don’t know why, but I lost it there. I rip up everything in my cell. There’s not much here, so it doesn’t take long to demolish it all. I look over to see Ren standing on the other side of the force field, shocked and trying to puzzle me out. It’s the most emotion I’ve seen on his face in a while. I’m glad someone will show me some.

“I think it’s time we talked, Lore,” he announces. He’s still looking at the debris that used to be a cot and a chair.

“What the fuck do you want to talk about?” I sneer at him. I’m pissed and in no mood for games.

“Her.”

“I’m sure you’ve been listening. I can hear you move just out of sight. You’ve heard her say the same things I did, so what could you possibly not understand?” I bark this at him. Mrs. Draymot’s chair is still there, so he sits on it.

“Did you attack her or were you just coming on to her and it got out of hand? What really happened?” He has smoothed out his expression and once again wears his stone face. For some reason, it calms me. It’s familiar and it’s been several days since I’ve seen it. He’s been looking at me with contempt recently.

“I fucked up. I swear there was something in her eyes - she had this look...” I can’t say anymore, because nothing I’m thinking makes any sense. I want him to believe me. I need someone to believe me.

“You broke into her office?” he asks, still calm.

“Yes. You need to get her to upgrade her security significantly, Ren. If her competition does decide to spy on her, they could get inside that place without even trying. She’ll listen to you, you need to tell her.” I can’t believe what I’m saying, but it’s my voice saying it.

“Any suggestions on what she should change to?” he asks, blandly.

“You’re the lawman, isn’t that your area of expertise?” I ask. Something about his expression changes and he comes to his feet. He looks at me for another few second, nods and moves to go.

“I’ll tell her, Lore.”

Two days later Kardec and Hausav come back for a visit. They both look like the cat that ate the canary. As soon as the relief lawman is out of earshot, they start talking at once. They’re both trying to tell me the same thing and talk over each other, but I still can understand, with my superior memory and all...

As their garbled stories come together, I hear that Ren did indeed go see Mrs. Draymot. He went over her security with her for more than an hour and then he went with her to her office. Kardec told me he did his best to be near them as much as possible, hoping Ren would say something about me.

His efforts paid off and he overheard Ren tell her she should take me back at the yard. “He said he would keep a closer eye on you and make sure you didn’t get out of hand again,” Kardec said with a gleam in his eyes.

We chatted for a while and the guys seemed sure I would be back at work and joining them at the bar in no time. After they left and Ren came on duty to watch me, I asked him about what Mrs. Draymot said about me coming back to work.

“I have no idea, Lore. I haven’t spoken to the lady, but I would advise you to be on your best behavior should you talk to her.” Ren narrowed his eyes at me and just walked away.

He lied. Why did he lie to me? I could see his pulse rate was up and his respiration. The guys had been telling the truth, but Ren was lying about it. After two days of standing, Ren told me to clean up my mess and had me help him cart the refuse away and bring in a new cot and chair. I still wonder at him for not even yelling at me for tearing up the last ones.

“If you ever lay a hand on me like that again, I’ll have you thrown off this planet, is that clear?”

I jump to my feet at the sound of that voice. I was indulging in a little dreaming, so I was lying on the cot. “That is perfectly clear, ma’am,” I reply coming across to my side of the force field. She’s standing a few feet away, but moves closer when I do. It’s early in the morning and I’m surprised to see her here and not at the yard.

“It almost looked like you were sleeping. Why would you pretend that?” she asks, sounding timid again.

“I don’t sleep, but I can dream. I haven’t dreamt in a few weeks...it was something to do.” As I tell her this, she moves even closer, until she’s right in front of the force field. We’re only centimeters apart. Why does this affect me? What exactly is that chip doing to me?

“I will let you come back to work-“ She pauses here when she sees me grin. “Mr. Willilock will be watching you and you will work at half pay until I decide whether to let you stay.”

“Yes ma’am. When?” I ask. I try not to sound too eager.

“Now,” she tells me. Ren walked around the corner and deactivates the force field. He hands over the money I had on me. Mrs. Draymot leads the way and we all walk out of the detention center together. 

I don’t know why but it felt so good to be walking through the gates of the shipyard again. Mrs. Draymot has moved me to a different area for now. For some reason, I miss joking around with the guys while I work but I’ll get over it. I like this new assignment’s location much better. It’s the area outside of Mrs. Draymot’s office. There’s still a lot of physical work involved but not like out back. Since she knows I’m an android I think she’s decided to put me where I can use more of my abilities and where she can keep an eye on me. When I went over to her office to thank her again for giving me another chance, I noticed the new security system wasn’t the only thing installed while I was gone. She saw me looking at the new comm next to her desk and told me it was a direct access link to my buddy Ren. I assured her she would never need to use it because of me.

I worked harder that day than I’ve ever worked before. If she was expecting me to work at half speed because of the half pay then she was in for a big surprise. I wish I knew why I want to please her so badly. I’ve been analyzing more of the procedures around here and I know there are a lot more things that can be done to save money without affecting quality or standards. I think I should wait a little before talking to her about that. I don’t think she would listen to me right now.

The guys came and got me at the end of the day. They wanted to go to the bar to celebrate my return. It feels good to have friends like this. When we arrived, the other regulars kept coming up to me, saying it was good to have me back. Chaz even said the place hadn’t been the same while I was gone. Lis sashayed up to me, grabbed my groin and said it was on the house tonight. I took her up on her offer at the end of the night but it was different this time. I got off just fine but it wasn’t as satisfying as it used to be.

That first week back, I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard to please someone. That doesn’t really say much since I’ve never cared about pleasing anyone but me in the past. I must have looked like such an idiot when Mrs. Draymot said she had decided to keep me on at the shipyard as long as I behaved. I had the biggest, goofiest grin on my face. What the fuck is happening to me!?

It’s Friday, about twenty minutes to quitting time, when I hear a discrete cough coming from behind me. When I turn, I find Mrs. Draymot standing there. “Can I help you, ma’am?” I ask. Something about those eyes, again. She’s even smiling at me, but just slightly.

“Yes, Lore, I have a job for you that I need completed before you leave. Can you get it done?” she asks, innocently.

I take the work order from her and scan it. It’s not a difficult job, but it will take some time, about two hours, actually. I look back at her and I can see in those green eyes the knowledge she’s asking me to stay late without actually asking me.

“I can get it done,” I assure her.

“If you go over your time, I’ll pay you the normal rate so there’s no need to clock out.” She says this from over her shoulder as she walks back to her office.

The guys come by to get me, but I tell them I have to work late, but I’ll be by the bar later. Vaasic glares at me as he comes by. “You been told to stay, troublemaker?” he asks. I consider breaking his neck, but Mrs. Draymot is just meters away.

“Yes, he has, now see yourself home, Vaasic.” This comes for the boss, not me. Her tone is soft, but demanding. Vaasic leaves, but doesn’t look happy. This makes me very happy.

I’m working right in front of the boss’ office again. She’s let me out of her sight a few times since I came back, but this time, I’m right under her nose.

I pull a burnt out power cell and go to get its replacement. When I return, she’s sitting on the steps leading up to her office. She’s staring at me. She doesn’t look angry or frightened, so I go ahead and replace the power cell. In the next half hour, every time I look, she’s staring right back at me. I can’t figure out if this is good or bad, so I give up and walk over to her.

“Are you dissatisfied with my work, Mrs. Draymot?” I ask, trying to wipe some of the grime from my hands. She looks me dead in the eyes and narrows hers at me.

“Not in the slightest,” she tells me, calmly. She comes to a stand and looks me straight in the eyes. “I still can’t figure you out, Lore. Why are you still here?”

I can’t believe she’s asking me that. “You told me to get this done. You asked me to stay, sort of,” I defend.

“That’s not what I’m talking about. Why are you still working here, for me? I’m working you harder than anyone, I’m paying you half what everyone else makes and I watch you like a Pit’Kon Flyer. Why have you stayed? You could find work almost anywhere for even more than I paid you before.”

I wish she hadn’t asked that. Mostly because I have no fucking clue. “I don’t know. Do you find that entertaining? I could re-write your financial program for you in a hundredth of the time it would take anyone else. I can lift ten times what any man that works here can. I can find you twenty-three ways to save money and run things more efficiently, but I have no fu- idea why I’m still working here.”

“You were going to swear. Why did you stop?” she asks, tilting her head to look at me.

“I’m trying to be nice and not swear in front of you.” I explain with a grimace. I can think of a million lies to answer this and her previous question, but every time I open my mouth to say one of them, it won’t come out.

“You told me you weren’t a nice man,” she reminds me, like I forgot that.

“No, but I’m trying...”

“Why?” she asks.

“I don’t know.” Two in as many minutes. I hate this conversation. 

“I find I’m curious about you, Lore. I want to understand you. If I’m going to understand you, you have to be yourself. But without the grabbing me, pushing me up against a wall and kissing me part.”

I sigh at her. “If you hadn’t fought me-“

“No, Lore. Never touch me that way again.” She says this firmly, but she doesn’t look afraid, just uncertain. I pout. I find myself wondering if there is any way I can still touch her at all. I take a step closer and her eyes are smiling, but she shakes her head. “I need that job completed, Lore. Once it’s done, you can walk me home.”

“You’re throwing me a fucking bone?” I ask, grimacing at her.

“For now. I still need to know more about you. For instance, how is it that you’re so strong?” She returns to her seat on the steps and I go back to work, but I explain the answers to her technical questions about me as I do. She seems fascinated and I, for some reason, am flattered. Maybe I should pull that chip out? Or maybe I should find a way to get that woman against another wall.

It didn’t take long to finish the job. Mrs. Draymot had done a little shopping on her break so I insisted she let me carry the bags for her. She smiled as she handed them to me. It’s the first time she has really smiled at me. When she visited me in the detention center she did smile once, sort of, but not like this. Her whole face lights up when she smiles and her eyes - those eyes sparkle even more. What is happening to me?!

It’s a great night to be walking. It’s warm but there is a slight breeze that makes it feel perfect. The moon’s shining in a way that makes the whole area look- Fuck, what type of sap am I turning into? Who cares about the breeze or what the fucking moon looks like. It does look nice though...oh damn!

We walked at a slower pace than we had before. It was nice.

“Where are you from, Lore?” She turned her head to look at me and the way the moonlight hit her face was intriguing.

“I was constructed at a science colony on Omicron Theta.” This conversation already scares me. How do I explain being disassembled and left on a shelf for all those years? Or how to explain floating in space for two years until the Pakleds found me? I can’t tell her the truth but for some reason, I don’t want to lie to her.

“Who constructed you?”

“His name was Noonien Soong. He was a brilliant cyberneticist, for a...he was brilliant.”

“What were you going to say? For a what?” She stopped as she asked me this. Why did I have to say that?

“For a human.” I sort of muttered this almost hoping she wouldn’t hear me.

“Oh, I see. You speak of him in past tense. Is he-” I cut off her question hoping if I answered quickly she would change the subject.

“He passed away a couple of months ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you the only android he constructed?” I wish she would stop asking me these questions.

“I have a brother who was constructed after me. His name is Data. He’s in Starfleet.”  Please don’t ask me anything more about them, please. Thankfully she didn’t but I think it was only because we had arrived at her home.

“Thank you for walking with me, Lore, and thank you for carrying my things.” When she reached over to take the bags from me, her hands lightly brushed against mine. A sensation I can’t describe coursed through my systems. She smiled at me again before she turned to go inside. That sensation was back. I stood there for fifty-three seconds after she had gone inside. I was going to go to the bar but I decided to just go home instead. I have to figure out what’s happening.

I spent the evening in contemplation, but by morning, I’m no closer to an answer. I actually think I have more mysteries. For example, the expression I’ve seen on Ren’s face lately - speculative, yet hopeful. What is he hoping for? He’s given up trying to hide from me as he follows, but still maintains a discrete distance. When I left the yard with Mrs. Draymot, he was waiting outside. He nodded at us as we passed him, but he caught my eye and gave me a slight grin. What the hell was that about?

It’s morning, but I don’t care about pretending I eat, so I go out and wander around town. I’m not sure why, but I keep passing Mrs. Draymot’s house. I keep hoping she will be coming out, but she doesn’t. After I pass the house for the tenth time, I give up, sit in a shadowed corner where I can still see, but she won’t see me, and wait.

“Why don’t you just go knock?” Ren asks me, seconds after I sit.

“I don’t even know why I’m here, why would I knock?” I reply, not bothering to keep the venom from my voice. My shadow leans against the wall beside me, also out of her view if she came out and looked.

Fate must be smiling on androids today, because just then she does come out. She must have used a back door since she just comes around from the back of the house with a shovel and a bag.

“Well, at least now we have something to watch,” Ren notes, with a soft chuckle. And watch we do. She is wearing a pair of pants that fit her slim frame tighter than the coveralls she wears at work. She still has that hat, but her shirt is short sleeved and actually shows a tiny bit of her cleavage. She is female after all.

“She’s so thin,” I comment, absently. I have no idea why I say this out loud.

“She lost a bit after her husband started fooling around on her. She’s always been small though,” Ren tells me.

“I’m glad the asshole is dead, but if he was alive, I’d kill him myself.” I look over to see Ren hasn’t even flinched at that. “You’d love to get me for something like that, wouldn’t you?” I ask him.

“I think I would have been busy watching someone else that day, Lore. I’m a busy man.” Ren looks down at me and gives me another one of those weird grins. “I think the lady needs help in her garden. Do you know anyone who would be interested in stepping out of the shadows and assisting her?”

I open my mouth to say I have no idea, but I know damn well he means me and I also know damn well I want to help her if it means being closer to her. I still don’t understand why the fuck I want to be closer to her, but I can’t deny it anymore. I sigh with resignation and give him a parting “smart ass” before I step into the light and walk toward the woman who has caused me such chaos.

Her house is a good size and is surrounded by a yellow painted fence chest high. I walk over and lean, resting my arms on it. I watch her, but she doesn’t notice as she kneels on the ground, pulling weeds.

“Good morning,” I say. I have to get her attention.

She gasps a little and looks up. She squints since the sun is behind me. “Lore? What are you doing here?” she asks. She’s smiling.

“You want the truth or the bad guy version?” I ask her, oddly nervous. One question, and I’m in trouble already.

“I think I want both this time.”

“Bad guy – just walking around, looking for trouble. Truth...” Damn, I don’t want to tell her this. “...wondering what my boss does on warm summer mornings.” I also wonder what she would look like waking up in her bed on warm summer mornings, but I manage to keep that to myself.

“I’m weeding and planting. If you’re not busy, come help me.” She points to her gate and I walk over and go inside. She shows me the weeds she’s pulling and tells me about what she wants to plant today. “So what do you think? Where would the prickle bushes look the best?”

“Do I look like a fucking gardener?” I wish I hadn’t said that once it’s out, but I did.

She is not disturbed though and smiles. She lifts a dirty finger and wipes some dirt on my nose, grinning at me. “Now you do,” she says with a chuckle. I can hear Ren laughing in the shadows.

I lift one of my own dirty fingers and streak her cheek with dirt. Damn, her skin is soft. Her eyes, she’s looking at me with that look in her eyes again. I find I can’t help but move closer to her. Why I’m moving closer, I don’t know, but she starts blushing and turns back to her weeding.

“I think we can line the north fence with the bushes and then plant the wisprys flowers by the porch.” She points at a tool, wanting me to hand it to her. I do and after a moment, I go back to my weeding. We work in silence for about fifteen minutes and in that time, I hear Ren whisper for me not to blow it just before he walks away. I wonder if he knows I heard him and what the hell he means.

“Do you see your brother much, Lore?” Mrs. Draymot asks, out of the blue and here I am, back in hot water.

“I saw him when our father died. The old man wanted to talk to us since there wouldn’t be another opportunity to ask him questions. Data and I don’t exactly see eye to eye. He’s good, I’m not.”

“You’re a good worker and a good weeder,” she teases. I grin at this. Why do I feel so nervous yet excited and all I’m doing is pulling shit out of the ground? “What makes you so bad, other than being a rough kisser?”

I blanch at this. “When I was first activated, the colonist didn’t like me. They feared me and I didn’t know why. I was strong, like I am now and I broke things and hurt people without meaning to. They told me I was bad, evil. They petitioned my father to make Data. Data doesn’t have emotions. I do, and after the way they treated me, I hated them. I have this chip now, my father installed it before he died, it’s makes me feel different. I’m not sure if the colonists were wrong, but maybe they wouldn’t still be right anymore.” I feel like a weight has lifted after saying that. I can’t tell her that the colonists were all killed because of me, but I know she can see the guilt written all over my face. I can feel it. It’s been buried deep down, but it’s been getting stronger since I tried to kiss Mrs. Draymot.

“Was the chip a patch of sorts? Something meant to correct a problem in your systems?” she asks softly.

“It was to fill in some blanks.” It’s not quite the truth, but not really a lie. “I’ve felt very different since getting it.”

“Like what?” she asks, putting a pile of weeds in a refuse bag.

“Well, I’ve never had friends before. The guys at work and some at the bar - they even visited me while I was in the detention center. I’ve never walked a woman home before either.” Her eyes met mine after this. I can feel that desire to throw her on the ground and kiss her until she’s screaming, but I don’t want to scare her. I want two things that seem diametrically opposed.

She puts her tools down and turns on her knees to face me. “Kiss me, Lore. Kiss me gently.”

Thrilled, I turn to face her too. I reach out to grab her, but stop myself. She said gently. I reach for her again, but abort the move to grab her by the neck. I try and try, but each time, it’s a grab I stop.

“You don’t know how to be gentle, do you?” she asks, surmising my difficulty. I shake my head in defeat. “I’ll show you,” she tells me with a grin. Lifting dirty hands to take either side of my face, she pulls me closer until our lips touch. I can’t move for fear I’ll do the wrong thing. She moves her lips lightly over mine and I’m awash in sensations.

She pulls back after a moment and smiles. Taking my left hand, she lifts it and puts it on her waist. She does the same with my right. She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me again. I can do this. I have kissed a woman before, damnit. I can’t believe that I’m not erect, but I am filled to overflow with emotions. Many I’ve never felt before.

I finally do move. I remove her hat and gently pull the band from her hair. Her hair is more blonde than I expected. This time I mimic her movements and take her face in my hands to kiss her again. I could do this all day, I think.

“So, Lore, which do you prefer – gentle or rough?” She tilted her head slightly as she asked me.

“I have insufficient data to be able to make a conclusion at this time,” I replied softly. I gently pushed away a lock of hair from in front of her face before leaning in to kiss her again. Time seemed to be playing tricks on me. When our lips were joined, it felt like time had stood still but when she broke the kiss, my internal chronometer indicated five minutes, thirty-two seconds had passed but it seemed longer AND shorter than that to me. I’m not making any sense. None of this makes sense. What is it about this woman that affects me like this? She is completely opposite of every woman I’ve known, although, in the past, being with a woman was strictly recreational. Kissel Draymot is the first woman I’ve thought about in ways other than sex.

“Do you have sufficient data now?” Her words pulled me out of my thoughts.

“I think I have enough for one conclusion. I have concluded I really like kissing you.” I don’t know why I was embarrassed to admit that. Her smile brightened even more as she caressed my cheek.

“I think it’s time to finish weeding.” I’m sure I looked disappointed but I nodded my head and turned part of my attention back to the weeds. The desire I had to grab her and take her was now completely displaced with a desire to hold her and kiss her. I don’t want to fuck her. I want to make love with her. I know that isn’t going to happen today and for reasons I still don’t understand, that’s okay. I can wait. I wonder what Data would say if he saw me like this? I’m kneeling in a garden, dirt on my face, pulling weeds and smiling. I don’t think Data has ever seen me smile. Smirk – yes but not smile. But then I’ve never really had any reason to smile before.

“You’ve been asking all the questions but I want to know more about you, too.” I need to know more about her.

“What do you want to know?” She turned to look me in the eyes after she spoke.

“You’re a beautiful woman.” She blushed as I said this. “Why do you hide that behind the baggy coveralls and the hat?”

“I’m not. My late husband used to tell me just how unattractive I am. He said-“

I cut her off. I didn’t mean to grab her, but I had to stop her from saying those things. “He was a lying bastard. I even told Ren if the guy wasn’t already dead, I’d have killed him myself for the way he treated you.”

Her expression had changed when she was talking herself down, it changed again when I grabbed her, but she was not afraid of me this time. “You don’t know what he did or said. How do you know-” she starts to object, but I don’t let her say more. She is trying to pull away, but she’ll have to scream for Ren to get me off her.

“I know because I’m at least a hundred times smarter than he was and I say you’re beautiful.” I am not so gentle when I kiss her this time, but I’m not as rough as I was in her office. I can’t believe it, but she melts into me. Her lips part, inviting me in. I want to do nothing more in this world. I kiss her deeply for hours. I swear it’s hours, or maybe it’s only seconds. I pull back to find it was twelve minutes and she’s panting for breath.

“You need an injection of ego, Mrs. Draymot, and I’m fairly sure I have enough to give you.”

She sits back on her feet and laughs at this. “I’m sure you do. When were you talking to Mr. Willilock?”

I smirk at her. “Just before I walked over to talk to you. He followed me here like normal. Sometimes I call him out of his hiding place, sometimes he comes out on his own. Sometimes we talk.”

“You two talked a lot while you were in the detention center, didn’t you? He sure had a lot to say when he came to talk to me.” She has this glint in her eye, but she has more than my attention. I’m still curious about what my good buddy said about me to her. So I ask.

“What did he say that convinced you to let me have my job back?” I ask her. She returns to her digging. We’re making holes for the flowers. She asks about my talking to Ren about her security measures. I talked with him twice about it, the second time, in great detail to get his ass in gear. Mrs. Draymot tells me that the following day, Ren came to the yard and went over everything I told him about, but did not say how he knew until she was almost in a panic over how easy it was to break in. Ren then turned to her and told her he’d gotten all this from me.

“In my office, he told me I needed to give you another chance and to work out my problems with you. I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted to stay angry with you.” She finally looks over and seems timid again. “It was safer to be angry.”

“It was safer in that cell too, except when you came to visit. I wanted to break out of that cell. I don’t know why I didn’t.” Where is all of this coming from?

“You could have broken out, couldn’t you?” she asks.

“If I had fought, Ren wouldn’t have been able to take me there. I could have run after you called him, I could have stopped you from calling him. I couldn’t do any of it. This chip is having an affect on me that I don’t really understand.” I paused for a second. Something she said had me curious. “What problems was he referring to that you needed to work out with me?” I ask.

She laughs. “Maybe it had something to do with seeing you at the detention center every day,” she blushes.

I grimace. “You didn’t.” What is she talking about?

“Do you remember that mirror to the far right of the cell area?” she asks. I nod. It was over in an area I never went to. The exit was in the opposite direction. “It’s not a mirror. It’s a one-way window. I watched you for hours some days, others just for a little while. Mr. Willilock tried to get me to talk to you every day. Sometimes it actually worked.”

I was stunned by what she said. “Why were you watching me?”

“I asked myself that question so many times. Something pulled me there. I needed to know why you did what you did. Mr. Willilock had given me his opinion but I didn’t believe him.” She looked down at the holes and took a couple more scoops of dirt from one. I could hear her sigh softly.

“What did he say to you? Why didn’t you believe him? What did-” She placed her finger gently over my lips to quiet me.

“Too many questions at once, Lore. Slow down.” She sat down on the ground, legs bent, holding her knees against her chest. “Mr. Willilock said he thought you were attracted to me but didn’t know how to express it.” She looked embarrassed as she said this. I was dumbstruck. I just couldn’t believe Ren would tell her that.

“Why didn’t you believe him? Did you think that because I’m an android I don’t feel-” As the words came out of my mouth, they sounded so strange. Why the hell would she believe him. I wouldn’t have. I would have told him he was crazy. After all, I didn’t think I was capable of feeling attracted to someone but it looks like I was wrong.

“No, Lore.” She cut me off before I could finish my last question. “It’s me. I didn’t think anyone could possibly be attracted to me.” Damn, I hate that Colex Draymot.

“Mrs. Draymot-” She keeps interrupting me.

“Are you ever going to call me Kissel? I do prefer to be on a first name basis when I kiss a man.” She had a slight smirk on her face as she said this.

“Kissel, what made you change your mind about what Ren said?” I was still curious as to what he said to her when she was watching me. I still can’t believe that Ren spoke up about me.

“You did. Watching you and listening to you. I could hear some of your conversations with Mr. Willilock but I wasn’t intentionally eavesdropping. And the way you looked at me when you asked me not to fire you and give you another chance. You had this look in your eyes that I can’t describe.” If it was anything like the look in her eyes right now, I understand perfectly. I moved closer to her and lightly caressed her cheek. I then leaned in and kissed her again. I can’t seem to get enough of her kisses. They’re like a drug to me. The more I kiss her, the more I have to, need to kiss her. The sensations that course through my systems as her lips press against mine, our tongues dancing, are like nothing I’ve ever felt before - before I met her. I’m going to have to analyze these feelings again. Yes, I’m attracted to her but it’s more than that. Much more, I think. I have never cared about someone other than me before. How can I figure out what I’m feeling? I’ve got nothing to compare this to. She breaks the kiss and smiles at me.

“We’re never going to finish this gardening, are we?”

“Do I look like I give a fuck about gardening? I just wanted to be close to you. Remember me, bad guy with ulterior motives?”

“So you’ve stayed at half pay and even stayed in a cell you could have broken out of for me, huh - the unattractive, frumpy woman.”

“Yes, it seems that’s why.” I narrow my eyes at her over her choice of words.

“Then I guess I need to start paying you your proper wage again.” She makes no attempt to pick up a shovel or even move from my arms.

“And I have to go over some ways I discovered for you to save money. I’m glad you made the security upgrades, I was worried about that.”

She gives me a knowing grin. “You don’t like admitting that, do you? You’re a loner at heart, aren’t you?”

“Evil men usually are.” I tell her. “I spent over two years very alone. After that I was forced into the company of a ship full of Pakleds.”

“I’ve never heard of Pakleds.”

“You haven’t missed anything. They are the most boring, dull-witted, mean sons of bitches you could ever meet.” I look down at her. A question comes to mind, well, about thirty-six come to mind, but this one rises to the top. “Why is it you want me to be ‘myself’ even if ‘myself’ isn’t a nice guy? I cuss and you don’t flinch. I hold back and you look upset. Why?”

She looked at the ground for a moment in silence. “My late husband, when we first got together, he seemed to be holding back a lot, but he was so sweet, kind and flattering. We got married, but my father never did trust him. Dad owned the yard and wanted to leave it to me since my sister was never interested in it. Even before the wedding, Dad changed his will to stipulate that I could only inherit the yard if Colex was out of my life. The terms of his will had ownership go into a trust and I would be paid a small salary for running it. When Dad died and Colex heard the will, he began not holding back. He was violent, insulting, deceitful...”

“I guess that makes sense. Your late husband just wanted the yard, and was using you to get it. You may not like it, but I will try to be me with you. I still have a lot of questions, but-“

“I really do want to get this gardening done, Lore. We are not going to have time to reveal all of our secrets in one day. It’s hot already and it’s due to get hotter.”

“Go sit on the porch but tell me where you want these?” I instruct her. She shows me where she wants each bush and each flowering bulb. With an unsure look, she tells me she’s going inside for a drink. I decline her offer of one and get to work. At top speed, I dig all the holes and fill them with what she requested. I’m finished by the time she has taken three sips of her refreshment and, as dirty as can be, I come to sit next to her on the porch.

She freshened up while she was inside, but she doesn’t hesitate to touch me, as filthy as I am. I did get my face dirty, though, so I go to the side of the house and use the spigot to clean up some. When I come back to her side, she puts her drink down and takes my face in her hands.

“You did a wonderful job, ‘Mr. Gardener’.” I only have time to grimace at her before she kisses me. We remain clenched in an tight embrace, lips locked, breathing hard until a male cough that sounds suspiciously like this lawman I know, can be heard. Kissel and I look over to see Ren at her gate, but looking at the sky.

“Can we help you, Mr. Willilock,” the woman in my arms asks him politely.

“I’ve come for Lore, Mrs. Draymot. He owes me a favor from when he was staying in my detention center and it’s time I collected.”

“I see,” is all she says to him. She looks back at me and slowly withdraws from my arms. I can feel she’s embarrassed under Ren’s scrutiny, but not because of who holds her. I have no idea what the fuck Ren is babbling about, but I decide to go anyway.

“I still need to go over those things about work, Kissel,” I remind her. I say this so Ren can hear.

“Why don’t you come by tomorrow about this time. I don’t really want to go to the yard today. I’m not in the mood for that right now.” She grins at me. I nod and go to her gate, leaving with Ren. She waves at me from her porch. I find myself looking back at her until we turn a corner, blocking her from my view. I turn my attention to the lawman, noting we are not heading toward the detention center.

“You mind telling me what this is about, Ren?” I ask, irritated.

“Thought I should get you out of there before you got into trouble.”

“I was doing just fine,” I insist. Ren looks at me, but keeps up his measured pace.

“And I wanted to make sure you keep it that way for a whole day, Lore Soong.” Sometimes, Ren does expressionless better than Data. His eyes are filled with amusement right now, so this is not one of those times. I shake my head at him and chuckle. Hell, he’s probably right.

We head to the bar and Ren actually buys me my first drink. We sit at the bar, but Ren leaves after a little while. Kardec and Hausav come in and we take a booth. I feel great, but I don’t mention my activities of the morning and afternoon. I’m not sure why. Later in the evening, Ren has returned, but he sits at the bar alone. Lis comes over and takes Kardec and then Hausav back to her room with her. She comes for me much later, but as I rise to follow, a hand clamps down on my shoulder.

“Ladies and whores don’t mix, Lore. Think this over.” It’s Ren’s hand and his warning.

I took Ren’s advice. I did think it over. Everything I had been told about that late son of a bitch Colex Draymot replayed in my head. The way he treated Kissel, spoke about Kissel but mostly how he had fucked around on her. Kissel and I have only kissed but kissing her - damn, kissing her is incredible. I’d rather kiss Kissel once than fuck Lis a thousand times. I can’t fuck Lis. That would make me as bad as that son of a bitch was. I don’t want to hurt Kissel like he did. Fuck, this is all so new to me. Actually caring about someone other than me. Can I really do that? I turned to Lis and looked her in the eyes. I had no expression on my face as I spoke to her.

“Sorry, Lis, not anymore.” I sat back down at the booth. For the first time since meeting Kissel, I wasn’t the person most surprised by something I said. The incredulous looks on Hausav and Kardec’s faces were in stark contrast to the expression on Ren’s face. He gave me a slight smile, nodded his head at me and went back to the bar. Lis looked like she was struggling to find the right words.

“What do you mean – not anymore. Is it something I did or didn’t do?” She leaned down to try to kiss me but I raised my hand, stopping her. “Lore, why don’t you want to see me anymore? I don’t want to stop-” She had a pleading look in her eyes.

“Lis, please.” I interrupted her before she could say anything more. To me, fucking Lis was a brief diversion. Get in, get off, get out. Lis was making it sound like it had been more to her. I knew she was losing the best fuck she had ever had but she almost sounded like it meant something. “I can’t fuck you anymore - period.” I said bye to the guys and then headed over to the bar. I stood next to Ren but didn’t look at him.

“You made the right decision, Lore.” He said this as he looked down at his drink.

“Thanks for helping me stay out of trouble.” Damn, thanking someone - that’s something I haven’t done much of in my life.

“You don’t need to thank me, Lore. I just made a suggestion. You made the decision.” He took a gulp of his drink before turning to face me.

“Thanks for your suggestion then. Good night, Ren.” I started to walk away but stopped after taking a couple of steps. I slowly turned around, came back beside Ren, looking him right in the eyes. “I’m not Andorian, Ren.” I told him.

“I know that, Lore.”

“I’m an android.” I don’t know why I had to tell him that. No, that’s not true. I did know why. As hard as it is for me to accept, I respect Ren. It just didn’t feel right to not tell him the truth especially after what he’s done for me.

“I’m glad you came clean about that, Lore.” He nodded his head at me before turning his attention back to his drink. I left the bar and returned to my room. I had done the right thing. Probably for the first time but somehow I knew it wouldn’t be the last.

It’s been an eventful week, but I’ve not had the chance to activate my dream program during any of it. I decide with as, I can’t fucking believe I’m going to say this, but as happy as I am right now, my dreams should be great.

Okay, I wish I’d never gotten into bed now. My dreams were not great, mostly. I did dream of Kissel. That part was wonderful. We walked, talked and did a shit load of kissing. I think I must have directed the dream from going any further with her, since I want to do the real thing before I dream about it. I also had a dream about my father. He told me it was a shame he couldn’t have made two chips. He scolded me for stealing the chip from Data.

The last part of my dream was about Data.

I was angry with him for beaming me into space. I was jealous of him for having all those friends and fitting in on that ship of his. I was angry that our father wanted to fix him and not me.

My dream was of Data, sitting alone in that huge lounge on that ship. He looks out at the stars, but is not stirred by the beauty. He hears a group at another table. One person is telling a very funny joke, but Data does not grin at the overheard humor. A supernova sexy woman walks in and, being known to him, she waves and smiles, but Data is not aroused by the possibilities.

My brother feels nothing.

As long as I have his chip, he will continue to feel nothing.

I’ve condemned him to that.

I feel like shit now, but I still want to know what the fuck this thing does to me. I always keep tools with me, so I do some self-tampering. I discover I can turn the chip off and back on again. The first time I do it, I’m worried I won’t get it activated again, so turning it off is a little intimidating.

My curiosity wins out and through hours of study and turning the chip off and on, I work out just what this thing is doing to me. It’s not doing what it would do to Data, since the old man was right and he and I are different in how our circuits are laid out.

I discover that my ethical program is enhanced, my emotional state balanced and my hatred defused. There’s more to it than that, but to explain it here would even bore me. I don’t want to kill if it’s on. If it’s off, I do and I don’t want to see Kissel again or even stay on this planet. The feelings of dissatisfaction get stronger the longer the chip is off, so I don’t dare leave it off for a prolonged period.

All my research has left me with a dilemma. With the chip, I am normal. I’m fixed. I fit in and am making a home? I know without a doubt that if this chip is taken from me, I’ll go back to hating and killing and end up destroyed or taken apart again, most likely by Data’s hands. He will gain emotions in time to hate me.

If I keep the chip I can have, or try to have, Kissel. I have a job, friends. I wonder if I will get to where Ren will trust me and I can add him to that short list of friends? I like it here. I’m not sure I want to stay forever, but maybe for a while. I’m happy. I can’t believe this. This is so shitty. I’m finally happy for two seconds and I find a conscience, so I realize that I’m happy, but at my only brother’s expense.

I have to talk to someone about this. I may lose her in the process, but the logical choice is Kissel. When I show up at her door Sunday, I’m not nearly as sure as I thought I’d be.

It would appear I’m not very good at hiding my emotions. As soon as Kissel opened her door, the smile on her face disappeared and was replaced with a look of concern.

“Lore, what’s wrong?” She took my hand and pulled me inside. I pulled her close, wrapped my arms around her and held her tightly. I needed to hold her. It might be the last time I do. I needed to feel her arms around me. She looked up at me. She looked scared. I knew she wasn’t afraid of me, she was afraid of what I might say. I held her for another three minutes before I finally spoke.

“I need to talk to you about something.” She took my hand and led me to her couch. I tried to find the words to start but there is no nice way to tell her what I’ve done. I guess if she kicks me out that would solve one problem. I could find Data, tell him to take me apart and he would get his chip. I sat there resting my elbows on my knees, my face in my hands for almost five minutes. I finally lean back on the couch, turning my head towards her. She reaches for my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

“Take as long as you need, Lore. I’ll be right here when you’re ready.” She tried her best to give me a reassuring smile but I could still see that fear in her eyes. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It’s time to get this over with.

“Kissel, I have to tell you something. It’s bad.” That was an understatement. I’m responsible for hundreds of deaths, including my father’s, and stealing this chip meant for Data. If that isn’t fucking bad I don’t know what is.

“Go on, Lore. I’m listening.”

“I’ve told you about some of my past but I’ve left some things out. I’m a fucking monster, Kissel, or I was before I got this chip. I was so full of hate and anger. I only cared about me, how things affected me and I didn’t care how many people were hurt or killed because of that. This chip, it changed that. It fixed me but it doesn’t belong to me. My father made it for Data. I stole it, hurt my father and left him there to die.” I pause for a moment to look in Kissel’s eyes trying to get a hint of what she’s thinking. “I’m responsible for the deaths of the colonists on Omicron Theta. I told the Crystalline Entity where to find them. I was disassembled before it attacked but I was still responsible. Data found me, reassembled me and how do I thank him, I contact that damn Entity again. If Data hadn’t stopped me by beaming me into space, I would have been responsible for the deaths of every person on that starship, too. After two years of floating through space, the Pakleds found me. I had been aboard their ship for a little while when my father activated a homing beacon to bring Data to his lab on Terlina III. He didn’t know I had been reassembled until I walked through the door. While he was taking a nap, I deactivated Data, traded clothes with him and my father installed the chip in me. After having the chip for a little while I knew something was happening to me but I didn’t know what. It wasn’t until I discovered I can turn it off and on that I realized that with it on, I‘m fixed.” Kissel was so quiet and expressionless as I talked. It scared me. I wanted to know what she was thinking, what she was feeling about me.

“There’s more, isn’t there.” I nodded my head and continued.

“I don’t know what to do, Kissel. This chip belongs to my brother. He has no emotions without it. Part of me wants to give it back to him. I hate that I’ve taken away his only chance to have any fucking emotions.” I turned to look her in the eyes again and whispered. “But if I give it back to him, I’ll be that evil bastard again. I don’t want to be like that again.”

I take her hand in mine. Don’t pull away, don’t pull away, don’t pull away, I silently beg her. “I’ve never experienced so many of the things I have here. I have actual friends. People who fucking smile when they see me instead of run or scream.” I turn to face her more directly. “I’ve had sex, but I’ve never had-” How to explain this? I lift up our hands and give hers a gentle squeeze. “I like this. Without the chip, I would have never given you a second look or I just would have kept going in your office - screaming or no.” I feel the shame in that, but I can at least feel.

“I can’t fathom that Data has never even experienced this.” I give her hand a second squeeze, but she looks so pale. Here it is. I knew it. I will never shake my past and it’s ruined what I have with her. She’s terrified and wants me to leave, but is desperately thinking of a way to get me out of her house without my killing her. She now knows she harbors a murderer.

“You should contact him, Lore,” Kissel says softly. She slowly pulls her hand from mine and I feel frozen inside. It’s a good suggestion, though, but...

“He’s in Starfleet. He’ll race over here on that starship and take me in.”

“This is a non-aligned world, Lore. The Federation has no jurisdiction here. Talk to Ren. I’m sure he knows someone who can help you send your brother a message without giving away your location.”

“You hate me, don’t you?” I ask.

She finally looks me in the eyes. She looks forlorn. “I didn’t know any of this, Lore. It’s not easy to accept.” She touches the back of my hand with a finger. “I know you’ve changed a lot since you got here, but some things still have to happen first. It will take some time.”

I pout. I don’t want it to take time. I want her. “How long do you need? Do you think you can forgive me?” I ask. I want to know now if there’s no hope.

“It’s not a matter of my forgiving you, Lore. You have to work through this and forgive yourself. Speak with Data. I think he can help you with that. He may be the only one who can. There may be penance. If he asks it, you will have to pay. If you need to talk, I’ll be here.”

“But no kisses?” I ask, still pouting.

She grins and touches my face. She leans in and kisses me. It’s such a sweet kiss, but I somehow know it’s the last one I’ll get until I talk to Data. She asks if I still want to go to the yard and show her the changes. She says I don’t have to if I don’t want to. I can’t believe her selflessness. I’ve just confessed to being a fucking demon, but she’s putting my needs above hers even now.

We go to the yard. She is astounded at all the things I show her. She threatens to give me a raise and promote me, but I refuse. I want to be a help, not a burden. Maybe that can be part of my penance, I think to myself.

Talking to Ren will involve some admittance of my indiscretions as well. I feel like I have to bare my soul to everyone today.

Data.

I get away from him and I still can’t get away from him.

Ren tells me Chaz is the communications expert. Ren has a comm system, so Chaz lets his assistant take over at the bar and comes to the detention center with us. Between Chaz and me, we set it up to where it would even take my dear brother a week to trace this call.

Once the links are all established, Chaz and Ren leave me alone to face my past. Data has been told he has a communication. We couldn’t use my name so we used a fictitious one that will mean nothing to him, but it will get him to the comm.

I wait, plagued with doubt. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. What if the relay system does transmit its call letters? The screen change interrupts me.

The same face I see in the mirror is staring back at me. It’s almost expressionless, but for a little shock.

“Lore,” Data says, stunned. He looks ready to fight, and I can see him punching commands into a console.

“Don’t bother, my brother. I’ve taken precautions in this contact. Even you won’t be able to find the source.”

“What do you want?” He’s still entering commands. I bet he’s trying to see if I have a ship nearby.

“I’m far from you, brother. I’m nowhere near striking distance and I don’t want to strike. I just want to talk, Data.” I can’t be insulted that he looks doubtful. I’ve never just wanted to talk before and Data is not stupid.

“What did you wish to speak to me about, Lore?” He’s stopped entering commands now. He either realizes he can’t trace this communication or he already has.

“I have a problem - a big problem - and it affects you. I need you to tell me what to do and...I need your forgiveness, Data.” I practically whispered those last words although with Data it doesn’t make a difference. What’s the point of whispering around someone with superior hearing.

“My forgiveness?” Data’s expression is now one of great shock. I think I’ll be seeing a lot of that expression during this conversation.

“It’s the emotion chip, Data. The effect it has on me is different from what it would give you. Damn, this is hard to say. It’s changed me, my brother.” I paused trying to collect my thoughts. This is even harder than I thought it would be.

“How so?” I can see the mistrust in his eyes. I deserve it but it still hurts.

“Soon after father installed it in me, I could feel something was different about me. It was changing me, Data.  I discovered I could turn it off and on so I decided to experiment. I needed to find out what it was doing.” I paused again, letting out a sigh. Data just looked at me, puzzled. “When the chip is turned on, it fixes me, Data. It’s strengthened my ethical program. It eliminates all of the anger and hatred I felt. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. My life has done a complete turnaround since I came to this planet. I have friends for the first time in my life. This will knock you over, Data, but I’m even building a friendship with the local law enforcement officer. And there’s someone else I’ve met – a woman - a good woman. She’s incredible, Data. I still haven’t figured out what my feelings for her mean, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”

Data tried to say something but stopped each time. He had an incredulous look on his face. He was trying to process everything I was telling him, trying to reconcile it against the Lore he knew.

“You indicated this affects me, Lore. How so?”

“I’m feeling guilty, Data. This chip fixes me but I’ve deprived you of your only chance to experience emotions. If you want me to, I’ll turn myself in to you. You can disassemble me and take the chip but you would have to promise me that you will not reactivate me without it.”

“Why?” He was still having a hard time believing anything I was saying and I understood why perfectly.

“I don’t want to be that evil, lying fiend again, Data. I’ve done so many terrible things that I now regret. I don’t want to be like that ever again.”

“I need to think about what you have said, Lore. If I need to speak to you again, how can I contact you?” I wasn’t sure if he was asking me that so he could speak to me again or whether he was trying to find out where I am so he could take me into custody. I knew there was only one way I could answer his question. The only way that would show him that I have changed.

“I’m on Alexis IV, Data. Use that information however you wish. I won’t be leaving here now that I’ve told you. I don’t want to leave.”

He asked me a few questions about what I was doing on Alexis IV. I told him about working at the shipyard, about meeting Kissel. I answered every question he asked me - truthfully. Once the communication ended, I felt relieved. Now I just had to wait. Wait to see what Data would do.

I’ve been walking Kissel home every night now. She lets me kiss her once before I leave her, but she knows I’m still unresolved and frustrated at Data’s silence. I have visited Ren to scan comm traffic for signs that Data’s coming to take me in, but nothing so far.

I decided to tell my friends that I’m expecting a visit from my brother, who looks exactly like me. I tell everyone to help my brother if he asks for me or about me. I also emphasize to them to answer his questions truthfully.

Ren and I talk about security for Kissel. If I’m taken in and if Data shuts me down, I want Ren to look after her. I want him to be her close, personal friend in that case. Ren agrees. He doesn’t tail me anymore, he walks with me. We talk a lot now. I’ve even found out a little about my quiet friend. He is also a widower. He lost his wife on another planet and moved here to forget the past and the pain. He doesn’t say it that way, but I think I’ve become fucking intuitive.