The Presentation

Welcome, all, to the first presentation of the Silver Clitorides Awards for 2004. Join us here at the Highland Games and Celtic Festival in the beautiful green countryside of...

...Gatlinburg, Tennessee?

"Okay, why are we here?" Gary's Muse asks. "Your ancestors were French-Canadian, as I recall, and German on the Texas side."

Keeping his voice down, Gary motions in the general direction of a hulking bruiser of a man. "That's my boss. Call him 'Fitz.' I had to be here anyway to show solidarity and cheer the home team." The man has just released a chain with a large weight at the end, to soar over a bar. Gary claps politely.

"I see. He likes to play with his stones?"

Gary nods. "But his favorite event is when he tosses his caber."

Muse giggles. "That sounds like a typical Scotsman."

"Not so loud!" Gary looks around. "Anyway, it's a Celtic Festival, too. Half these folks are of Irish descent. The podium is set up by the dancers." He points to a line of wee bonnie red-heads in authentic garb doing some sort of intricate footwork, hands at their sides. "I'll announce this month's winner after the caber-toss."

Gary, his Muse, and a number of the authors and fans gather to watch grown men toss telephone poles end-for-end. Less than half of them make the cut, actually turning over before they settle. Finally, Fitz takes a turn. The helpers walk the pole vertical, and he manages to get it resting in his cupped hands. He takes a few steps into a squat, and rises up as the pole begins to tilt forward, using his entire body to give the bottom end the necessary momentum to continue over the top. He hurls the caber...

...along with his kilt, some part of which must have gotten between his hands and the base of the caber. The crowd is momentarily stunned. After all, how often do you see a man in a skimpy tartan thong? But the authors are a supportive lot. In moments, a dozen more kilts rise into the air, to land on the grass. Kind of a supportive "Highland Fling," as it were. Oh, and the caber turned, so Gary's boss is in the medals.

Gary and his Muse stifle laughter as they head for the podium. "I predict interesting stories around the coffee station for the next week or two," Muse said. The authors and fans begin to gather around.

"If I can have your attention, lads and lassies and so forth, we'll make this announcement brief," Gary begins. A titter stirs the crowd at the last word. Behind him, one of those wee bonnie red-heads peers over his shoulder and sees the Certificate Suitable For Framing. The moves she bursts into seem less like a Celtic dance than Snoopy's Happy Dance.

"The winner of the Silver Clitorides Award for the Best Story of the month of January, 2004 is Scouting by Alexis Siefert.

"Congratulations, Alexis! And well done to all the nominees and finalists. Now, go enjoy the Haggis!"

The January 2004 Silver Clitorides Awards Winner:

Scouting by Alexis Siefert

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