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The 2004 Silver Clitorides Awards

The 2004 Silver Clitorides Awards encompass the months from January, 2004 through December, 2004. The period, July 1, 2003 to June 30, 2004 corresponds to the eligibility period for the 2004 Golden Clitorides Awards

Winners of the Silver Clitorides Award have been granted the privilege of becoming Finalists in the Golden Clitorides Awards in the category Sterling Silver. (Winning stories through June 2004 will compete for the 2004 Golden Clitorides.)

The authors and I hope that you enjoy reading all of the nominated stories, and that those stories lead you to other enjoyable stories as well. All are welcome to browse, and to participate in the nominating and voting process. Like sending fan e-mail, nominating your favorite story is another way to show appreciation for the authors and stories you enjoy.

Gary Jordan

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The current month under active consideration is June, 2004. Previous month's nominees, arranged alphabetically, are listed here as well as on the linked monthly pages, for your convenience.

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The January 2004 Silver Clitorides Awards Presentation

Welcome, all, to the first presentation of the Silver Clitorides Awards for 2004. Join us here at the Highland Games and Celtic Festival in the beautiful green countryside of...

...Gatlinburg, Tennessee?

"Okay, why are we here?" Gary's Muse asks. "Your ancestors were French-Canadian, as I recall, and German on the Texas side."

Keeping his voice down, Gary motions in the general direction of a hulking bruiser of a man. "That's my boss. Call him 'Fitz.' I had to be here anyway to show solidarity and cheer the home team." The man has just released a chain with a large weight at the end, to soar over a bar. Gary claps politely.

"I see. He likes to play with his stones?"

Gary nods. "But his favorite event is when he tosses his caber."

Muse giggles. "That sounds like a typical Scotsman."

"Not so loud!" Gary looks around. "Anyway, it's a Celtic Festival, too. Half these folks are of Irish descent. The podium is set up by the dancers." He points to a line of wee bonnie red-heads in authentic garb doing some sort of intricate footwork, hands at their sides. "I'll announce this month's winner after the caber-toss."

Gary, his Muse, and a number of the authors and fans gather to watch grown men toss telephone poles end-for-end. Less than half of them make the cut, actually turning over before they settle. Finally, Fitz takes a turn. The helpers walk the pole vertical, and he manages to get it resting in his cupped hands. He takes a few steps into a squat, and rises up as the pole begins to tilt forward, using his entire body to give the bottom end the necessary momentum to continue over the top. He hurls the caber...

...along with his kilt, some part of which must have gotten between his hands and the base of the caber. The crowd is momentarily stunned. After all, how often do you see a man in a skimpy tartan thong? But the authors are a supportive lot. In moments, a dozen more kilts rise into the air, to land on the grass. Kind of a supportive "Highland Fling," as it were. Oh, and the caber turned, so Gary's boss is in the medals.

Gary and his Muse stifle laughter as they head for the podium. "I predict interesting stories around the coffee station for the next week or two," Muse said. The authors and fans begin to gather around.

"If I can have your attention, lads and lassies and so forth, we'll make this announcement brief," Gary begins. A titter stirs the crowd at the last word. Behind him, one of those wee bonnie red-heads peers over his shoulder and sees the Certificate Suitable For Framing. The moves she bursts into seem less like a Celtic dance than Snoopy's Happy Dance.

"The winner of the Silver Clitorides Award for the Best Story of the month of January, 2004 is Scouting by Alexis Siefert.

"Congratulations, Alexis! And well done to all the nominees and finalists. Now, go enjoy the Haggis!"

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The February 2004 Silver Clitorides Awards Presentation

The Guest Presenter for this month is Golden [and Silver] Clitorides Award-Winning Author Frank Downey.

"No, you have to do it," she whispered in my ear.

The ‘she’ in question was Gary Jordan’s muse. "Me?" I said. "Gary always does the Silver Clittie presentation! Where is he?"

"He’s....er...unavailable. He, well, he hit his head."

"On what?"

"Well, on the ice," Gary’s muse told me.

"Was there an ice storm in Virginia?"

"Uh, well, no," she said sheepishly. "It was at a rink. You see, Sophia was trying to teach him to quickstep."

I roared with laughter. "Gary? Was taking ice dancing lessons from Sophie? That loon! Did he hit his head before or after this happened?"

"Good question," his Muse answered. "Anyhow, since he’s a bit woozy...well, woozier than usual....he asked that you do the presentation for the Silver Clits this month."

"Why me?"

"Well, the winner is one of your proteges."

"Protege?" I snorted. "I don’t have no proteges."

"He’s a fan of yours. He’s making a splash with a Naked In School story. And the rest of his stories tend towards the mushy-mush romanticism you’re so well known for," she smirked. "What would you call him?"

"Insane," I grunted. "Poor guy. I just hope he never decides to work on a serial. All that chanting......"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," she interrupted. "Woe is Frank. Anyhow, he’s a protege...."

"Let’s just say he’s working in the same collective subconscious."

"WhatEVER," she blurted. "Anyway, he’s one of yours. So Gary thought you should do the presentation."

"He came up with this brilliant idea after he hit his head, didn’t he?"

"Well, yeah," she grinned. "But it’s still a good idea."

"Compared to what?" I snorted. "Fine, fine. Gary’s a good friend, even if he is a complete loon, so I’ll do it."

"Great!"

"What do I have to do?"

"Well, first we need to get you dressed appropriately." The muse looked at me appraisingly. "Do you own a tux?"

"No," I said. "But I do have this lovely red dress that would probably work."

"Oh, JESUS," Gary’s muse snorted. "No, that will not do." She snapped her fingers, and I was suddenly attired in a tux--with tails and everything. "There you go. Now, to La Taverna."

I stepped out onto the stage, and cleared my throat into the microphone. "Attention, gentlebeings."

"The winner of the Silver Clitorides Award for the Best Story of the month of February, 2004 is Love At First Sight by Jeremy Spencer.

"Congratulations, Jeremy! And well done to all the nominees and finalists."

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The March 2004 Silver Clitorides Awards Presentation

Gary stood just outside the door of the library reading room, listening to the elfin redhead read to the attentive children.

"Once in this spacetime continuum, there were three siblings of a porcine protoplasmic species who, having reached the age recognized for majority in their civilization, decided to build habitats for themselves. The wisest recommended the strongest materials then recommended in the March 2004 issue of Galactic Mechanix, Illustrated (Swimsuit Edition), but the other two denigrated his suggestion, pointing out the esthetic nature of alternate construction paradigms.

"The first of the porcine protoplasmic entities assembled his habitat entirely of recycled organically derived materials, aligned in graceful arcs and an early post-modern motif, and was ecstatic at the artistic effect he achieved." I bet he was happier than a pig in shit, Gary thought.

"But before long, there arrived in his vicinity a malfunctioning fembot from Lupus III. The fembot desired access to the habitat, and called upon the porcine protoplasmic entity to dilate a portal. 'Not a hair on your ass' replied the entity. Whereupon the fembot discharged a Mark IV Vortex gun, blowing the house down and extinguishing the life of the porcine protoplasmic entity.

"The second of the porcine protoplasmic entities assembled his habitat entirely of transparent panels of silica alloys, arrayed in obtuse angles, and enjoyed pursuing his hobby of getting stoned, and was euphoric at the effect he achieved.

"But before long, there arrived in his vicinity a malfunctioning fembot from Lupus III. The fembot desired access to the habitat, and called upon the porcine protoplasmic entity to open a window. 'Not a hair on your ass' replied the entity. Whereupon the fembot discharged a Mark IV Vortex gun, blowing the house into shards and extinguishing the life of the porcine protoplasmic entity."

Unnoticed, Gary's Muse had stepped up behind him. "What in the world are you listening to?" she asked in Gary's ear, almost making him miss the words "titanium steel and reinforced concrete."

"I'm gathering inspiration for this month's award presentation," Gary replied. A child shushed them as the teacher got to the part about the Vortex gun.

"So I take it from the topic that..." Muse was saying over the revelation of the counterbattery fire from the Mark IX Disrupter.

Gary nodded. "The winner of Silver Clitorides Award for the month of March, 2004 goes to Modern Day Fairy Tale by Girl Friday. So I'd like to congratulate Friday and all the authors and finalists."

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The April 2004 Silver Clitorides Awards Presentation:

The notice on the bulletin board at La Taverna said "April Silver Clitorides Award Presentation Tonight - Come as you are, as often as you like." The place was filling up.

Have you ever wondered about La Taverna? Many people have, and have speculated about its layout and contents. Some folks liken it to Callahan's Saloon, from the Story Callahan's Crosstime Saloon by Spider Robinson.

Not me! In the first place, there's already a Usenet Newsgroup dedicated to Callahan's: alt.callahan's, it's called, appropriately enough. Any attempt to make La Taverna over in that image is a pale imitation.

More important, La Taverna is a place where adult artists entertain their clients (readers). So if we must be inspired by Spider Robinson, I choose to believe we're more like Lady Sally's House of Excellent Repute. Hidden in a warehouse section of town, it's an entire block in size with at least two levels above the main floor, and various basements and sub-basements.

"You could not descend that splendid staircase without feeling that you were making a grand entrance into the Imperial Ballroom....

"Have you ever seen, in the movies maybe, one of those very elegant and exclusive men's clubs in London, where the rich and powerful hang out? They have them in New York, too, but it couldn't be the same. Picture one of those, three hundred years old, richly furnished and decorated with exquisite taste. Islands of furniture groupings afloat in lots of open carpet. Chandeliers equal to the staircase in magnificence. Two bars."

Callahan's Lady by Spider Robinson

Lady Sally's "Whorehouse" is a very... "democratic" place. In Spider's books, artists and visitors report seeing everyone from bag ladies to the mayor of New York. There are actually three parlors, one for women only, one for men only, and the main parlor described above. There's also a discreet wing for visitors (lurkers?) who don't want to be identified.

Upstairs one flight are the artists' studios and function rooms, where they entertain clients. Think of the studios as individual websites, and the function rooms as ASSM, ASS, ASSG, Stories Online, Literotica, Cleansheets and so on...

Some of the artists have chosen to work primarily in the discreet wing, which we can think of as containing the Fish Tank, Ruthie's Club, etc. I won't keep pushing the analogy, but anyone familiar with Callahan's Lady or Lady Slings the Booze can easily see what I'm getting at.

Anyway... The notice on the bulletin board at La Taverna said "April Silver Clitorides Award Presentation Tonight - Come as you are, as often as you like." The place was filling up.

Gary is by the concert grand piano, on top of which is a silver statuette and a certificate suitable for framing. Someone talented is tickling a 'pathetique' from its ivories. (When Gary tries, the result is more usually 'pathetic.')

"If I could have your attention for just a moment..."

Gary's Muse snapped her fingers, causing a hush to descend the magnificent staircase and individually caress each patron into attentive silence.

Gary grinned. "The winner of Silver Clitorides Award for the month of April, 2004 goes to Tom's Diary by Gina Marie Wylie. So, I'd like to congratulate Gina Marie and all the authors and finalists."

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The May 2004 Silver Clitorides Awards Presentation:

"What are you doing?"

I must have jumped a foot out of my seat. I hadn't heard my Muse come up behind me. Not that she was sneaking - the background noises of La Taverna would have drowned out the average person's steps.

Muse waited patiently for my heart rate and breathing to slow, then asked again. "The Fish Tank," I finally gasped.

Muse glanced at the old 100 gallon aquarium. Air bubbled up from concealed tubes. A lone sucker-fish was and some plants were the only current inhabitants. Just like the old days, the lid of a treasure chest would occasionally open to release trapped air, revealing the treasure inside.

She turned back to me. "What about it? Nobody uses the old Fish Tank anymore. The new one upstairs in the Function Room is ten times bigger, and has lots of fish in it. Des seems quite pleased with it."

"Oh, I know! I chatted with Desdmona earlier today. It's doing really well."

"Then why are you staring into the old Fish Tank?"

I considered how to answer, without coming off as a complete voyeur. I mean, as an author, there tends to be a little of the exhibitionist in me, I suppose, and as a reader, there's some smattering of the voyeur as well. But nobody wants to be thought just an old perv - well, not just an old perv, anyway.

So I hedged a little. "It's very pretty, and it draws the eye."

"What in particular draws your eye?" she asked.

Had she been reading my mind again? I leaned closer, and caught that gleam in her eye that told me I was being teased. "You know darn well what I'm looking at, and why," I thought at her.

She just laughed. "There's no paint on those stones," she told me. "They are either colored stones, crystals, or glass. Paint would harm fish."

I sighed. She was right, of course. Anyway, it was time to announce the winner of last month's Silver Clitorides Award. As I got up to go to the podium, I would swear I saw figures moving in the Fish Tank, but when I looked back - nothing.

I tapped on the microphone. Everyone does, and everyone else cringes or flinches as feedback squeals and sends shivers up and down spines. I shrugged an apology, and launched into my announcement.

"If I could have your attention, please..." I waited as the noise level dropped in La Taverna's main parlor. Welcome once again to the monthly Silver Clitorides Award Presentation. Yes, it's that time of the month again..."

"Too much bloody information," a heckler shouted. I ignored him.

"The winner of Silver Clitorides Award for the month of April, 2004 is It Was Sexual Right From The Start by Gentle But Firm. So, I'd like to congratulate Gentle But Firm and all the authors and finalists."

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