Adults Only

RBVS - Book One

What the Seven Thunders Said ( Uziel)

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RBVS Part 04

Uziel - Middle Sounds Bad
by rache

Hell ain't so bad, once you get used to it. I mean yeah, some places suck, but it's like any other big city. You got your slums over there, the ghetto down that way, the low-rent, government subsidized, welfare funded crack hood just down that direction. But there's suburbia too, and up in the hills we got some nice places, and downtown we got your eclectic mix of personality. All the big-wigs live uptown these days, close to their offices. Fucking lawyers, you know.

I was staying with my live-in at that time, a cute little thing named Lizzie Borden. Kind of a psychotic bitch, she liked to call me 'sis' all the time, but real handy in the kitchen. I'm not much for cooking. I had my boy too, Freddie. The Germans are real popular here, especially the Nazi's and I could have had Himmler off eBay once, but I like a little dialogue during sex, you know? Anyway, Nietzsche is a pretty funny guy and he looks good in Armani.

I was coming home from work, dead tired as usual, when I got my summons. I'd taken up screenwriting, mostly cause nobody else would do it; most people here pretty much fall back into their old lives. They don't have to of course, and I didn't have an old life to fall back on anyway. I could have gone into teaching I suppose, that might have been interesting, but somehow I ended up pushing words. My old boy toy, Goethe, had ruined me, the bastard. I was supervising for Huston, something called 'Apocryphage' written by Billy Wilder. Wilder wasn't around though. Rumor was he'd gotten into heaven for doing Sunset Boulevard, but nobody really believed that. I mean, didn't he say he didn't go to church because it made his nylons baggy?

I parked my little Jag in the drive and sat there for a moment, just looking around. It was a nice house. I had a nice yard, a garden around back with a pool and a fountain. Martin Luther had lived in it for awhile, and that made it special to me. I didn't feel like answering the summons. Lizzy was at the door smiling, probably holding a margarita for me. My little muffin. I really did love her and so that's why I started the car, adjusted my rearview mirror so I wouldn't have to look at myself, and took the big circle back out.

Life is all circles. Death too, once you been there for awhile.

I put my car in long-term parking, frowning as I took the ticket from the machine. I tossed it on the dash and drove slowly down the rows until I found a good spot in the shade. Shade is everything in hell, you learn that quick.

The summons was a good one and I didn't have a lot of time, so I undressed quickly, folding my dress carefully and putting it in the trunk with my purse. I tossed my bra and panties in too, rather less carefully, and paused for a second, thinking. My earrings. I took those off as well, and my watch and the ring Lizzy had given me for Christmas our first year together…That seemed so long ago now. It was woven from some of her hair. I remember trying to explain to her that Christmas wasn't a big holiday in Hell, but she just laughed. Sometimes I envied her madness.

I closed the trunk and walked into Hell proper, the ninth circle, which was also called the first circle, depending on your disposition and upbringing. I just called it the real deal, cause it was pretty unpleasant. Hitler was in there someplace, Gandhi too, Missus…Not Mister. He was a peach. Stalin, and Pol Pot were around. Hell, it seemed like half the twentieth century was doing hard labor. Sometimes it just didn't pay to be a politician.

"Uzzzzziiiiii…" Balthazar was behind the front desk, smiling at me and playing with his penis, which is extremely long and unusually hard. Even for a sexy demon like him.

"Hey." I nodded and leaned on the desk, peeking over to see his cock a little better. "How's it hangin?" I asked with a grin.

"Like a fuckin' monkey, babe." He licked his lips. "You come for a ride, or you got some business?"

"I'm getting summoned." I shrugged.

"Oh yeah?" The Big B sat up a little higher.

"Yeah, it's giving me a headache too." I frowned. "Amateur night."

"Where'd they get your name?" He wondered and I'd been wondering the same thing myself.

"I dunno, probably some apocrypha bullshit." I shrugged. "If I end up on fuckin' Google though…"

"Heh!" Balthazar chuckled. "If you start World War III give me a ring, okay? I wanna settle with France."

"Yeah, don't worry, I start the apocalypse and you'll be the first to know." I nodded. "So anyway, he in there?" I jerked my head at the big doors.

"Yep, playin' with his new toy." B gave me a little grin.

"Who's that?" I asked, eyeing the black marble doors pensively.

"Elvis Fucking Presley" Balthazar nodded seriously.

"The King?" I stared at the demon like he had to be pulling my leg. "Everybody knows he's in heaven, come on."

"Yeah I swear, the guy wanted to do a fuckin' tour, you believe that?"

"What?" I laughed. "Elvis is touring?"

"Yep, and he's in there right now…Go on, he ain't gonna mind."

"If you're fuckin' me I'm gonna feed your cock to Jeffrey Dahlmer." I warned him, but I knew he wasn't lying, not about something big like Elvis.

"Heh. Dahlmer had his chance, I fucked him in the ass and sent him to Kansas!" Meaning he was stuck with Judy Garland for all eternity. Some people get the hell they deserve.

I entered slowly, ignoring the pounding in my head. That summons was driving me up the wall and I wouldn't be able to ignore it much longer.

"Uziel!" Lucifer smiled and Elvis turned around from the buffet, his mouth stuffed with cottage cheese.

"Hey." I smiled back and he walked over giving me a little hug, grabbing my bare ass and squeezing it.

Lucifer really is the most beautiful of all God's creations. I'm pretty good looking myself, as all angels are, fallen or otherwise, but Lucifer, he's a heartbreaker and I felt my nipples harden as he finally let me go.

"What's the occasion?" He grinned at me, looking my unclothed body up and down slowly. "You all dressed up and no one to blow?"

I laughed and shook my head. "I might have someone to blow, I'm not sure. I'm getting a summons."

"Is that right?" Lucifer stuck out his bottom lip and nodded. "Hey come here, meet the King of Rock n Roll, baby."

Elvis it seemed had been sentenced to spend some small portion of eternity eating salad. Lucifer had set up a huge salad bar and Elvis had to eat until he finished it all, or it finished him. Of course servants kept running in and refilling everything as fast as Elvis was eating, so he'd probably be there for awhile.

"You got him eating?" I gave Lucifer a look. "That was the best you could come up with?"

"We had a contest, you know, for the kids." Lucifer shrugged. "I'd have made him play bingo with Osama bin-Laden for a thousand years, but that bastard won't die. He made a deal with somebody and when I find out who…"

"Don't look at me." I held up my hands. "I haven't talked to anyone since that thing with Mets in '69."

"I knew that was you…" Lucifer laughed. "Oh you bitch! I lost Lord Fucking Byron on that series."

"Hey, you win some…and you lose some." I grinned at him. "That was for stiffing me with Howard Hughes for three weeks while his condo was sprayed. God, what an asshole!"

"He liked you though." Lucifer shrugged.

"He doesn't like anyone." I shook my head. "I sent him anthrax for his birthday last year."

"Hehe…I know, he complained loud and long, baby." Lucifer led me over to his office, which was nothing more than a desk with a dozen phones on it, and a chair in the dead center of hell. He had his finger up my ass, sort of pushing me along the floor as I squirmed.

"So, this summons…" Lucifer shook his head. "You know the rules, right? I don't need no incidents, you know? The DMZ is nice and peaceful and business is good for everybody."

"Yeah, I know the rules." I shrugged.

"And I know you. You're a fuckin' rules lawyer. If these guys are legit, whoever they are, you do your thing and get out."

"And if they're flakes…" I grinned, cause I could tell what they were already. The summoning they used was weak and corrupt.

"Then fuck 'em." Lucifer shrugged. "Just don't go crazy up there."

"It's only six hundred and sixty six days." I said. "Not enough time to go crazy."

"Yeah, well, fuckin' Gabriel started the Crusades in two weeks with a pogo stick and some chewing gum, so watch your sweet little ass. You start messin' around and they're gonna come gunning for you."

"And that's a bad thing?" I smirked.

"Well, it's up to you. I'm just doin' my job here." He stuck his tongue out at me.

"Yeah, okay…I'll be good, Daddy." I promised petulantly and Lucifer laughed.

A summoning wasn't a big deal; I mean it happened once in awhile. Less now than it used to, but these things are cyclic anyway. It was rare for me though, since I was barely mentioned by name anyplace, and not at all in the Bible. Somebody must have done some digging to find me, but I suppose being the Angelic Demon of Blood made me an attractive target. That title was referenced in several books of the Old Testament, although only in the old Greek versions. In the later Latin texts they left me out of it, which isn't a bad thing, believe me. Contrary to popular belief angels do not have an egocentric view of the universe. We know exactly how small we are.

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"I am here." I whispered with my eyes closed, my hands behind my back and my head bowed. There was a peal of thunder and a hundred birds fell from the sky. It was in my contract.

It's nice being an angel. And not just any angel, I was one of the Seven Dominations, although that wouldn't mean a lot to most people. Hopefully it meant something to whoever had summoned me, but I doubted it. People who know anything about Angels and Demons know better than to call, or at least they should.

"Holy Shit! It worked!"

"Damn, look at her, I told you would!"

"Shut-up!" This would be the one who'd called me from the abyss. "Demon, I demand your service." The voice paused. "Uh… Uziel inaii Pa exas na Thuy!"

"I will perform your service." I opened my eyes and fixed them on a young human male. He was cute, but filled with too much ego, even for my taste.

"Good." He smiled at his two companions, all of them perhaps 20 years old; healthy and in the prime of life.

"I require blood." I told him, even though I didn't.

"Uh, what?"

"What did she say?"

"Blood? Why?" He waved at the others to be quiet.

"This one's blood." I pointed at the nearest, as if he were specific to me somehow. "And then I shall perform your service, mortal." I kinda liked talking like that, but it was gonna make me giggle soon.

"Me?" The man started, jerking his head and looking at his friends.

"Oh man!" The other guy laughed nervously.

"I'm not sure…Um, that wasn't in the book." The leader said.

"Do you give him to me?" I stared at the man, my voice sounding like the moon rising in the midnight sky. "Release me."

The leader looked at his friends. The guy I'd indicated was shaking his head, starting to stand up. The other just shrugged. "She's gonna give us our wish, right?"

"What? You can't…come on…" The one I'd chosen was sweating and I could taste his fear drifting lazily through the air. "This is crazy!"

"I, um…yeah, I give him to you." The leader nodded.

"No, Jimmy! What?"

It was always this easy with humans. I'd been released. I took the one I'd indicated first, swiping with my hand and ripping his throat out so that his hot blood founted into the room. Then I took his friend, disemboweling him and leaving him to die painfully, writhing on the carpeted floor.

"Wha-What are you doing…I…we …you're bound, you can't…" The leader looked at me in horror. A human who'd sold his friend's blood for a service as yet and now forever more unnamed.

"You released me." I blew the words across his face like a kiss. I shoved my fist into his chest and pulled free his beating heart. He fell to the floor, his eyes wide and staring at me while I ate it.

I bathed in their blood, washing myself with it. My face and neck, down my perfectly formed breasts and taut belly. I've always had a great body, perfect in fact, and I always thought it looked best in crimson. Angelic blood is black, but it never dries. Cut an angel and he'll bleed forever, or so the saying goes. Of course that isn't true, first because we heal rather quickly; and secondly, it takes a hell of a blade to pierce our flesh. Literally. Human blood is much more…precious.

It was the Second Circle that caught me by surprise, but it shouldn't have. I couldn't leave the room and so I sat down to wait, knowing she'd be along soon. It explained a lot, everything in fact, and I wasn't unhappy about it. Those kids had been an excuse, a distraction for anyone who might have noticed my summoning, and there were creatures who would. I had no idea what the boys had been promised, but it would hardly matter now.

I changed shape, shifting into my true form so that she would see me beautiful and immaculate and in truth, I sorta looked like I was fifteen. She liked it though and I didn't mind. It had been a thousand years, or yesterday, it means much the same for me. But for her, my one true love, she would have felt every second passing as an eternity and I wept in that knowledge. It was the thing that frightened all the others, an angel loving a human, although she was hardly that in reality. Still, it made the Powers, Lesser and Greater, uncomfortable and they were frightened of us, of what we might accomplish together.

"You're crying."

Her voice brought me to my feet, my bat-like wings unfurled, beating the air to pull me upright and back, so that I hovered above the blood stained floor. I tossed my milky mane, and showered her with my golden gaze. I was myself, pale and glittering and eternal; and I drew a breath, seeing her as I remembered, unchanged and beautiful.

"Lazarus." I sighed happily. "It took you long enough."

end of Part 04 Read RBVS Part 05

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