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11-03-01, for Maria Gonzales
The Leprechaun's Announcement
The Dining Salon was large and sumptuously appointed. The dozen or so large tables scattered about the room allowed for easy movement and a relaxed atmosphere. Eight expansive crystal chandeliers swayed from the ceiling illuminating the scene with natural candlelight rather than harsh electrics. Dancing flames reflected from the faceted crystalline beads creating dancing sparkles on the walls compartment. The soft clacking of the train's wheels could just be heard and felt even over the music of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass playing on a small stage in one corner. The shrill whistle of the steam engine could be heard screaming in the night from far ahead.
The tables were covered with the ultimate in Chinese Silk cloths, the China; 18th Century Delft made on consignment for a former Russian Tsar or Tsarina (I forget which). The fluted glasses and goblets were exquisite Hamburg crystal from the last century. Cutlery from the original Sheffield Collection and cups of fine bone china complete the settings.
The guests were gathered in response to a summons and had begun to gather in clusters around the room or at tables. Mugs of warm beer or mead and flagons of ale were everywhere present throughout the room. At a table in the center of the room were Mistress Hecate, BronwenSM, Alexis and the CeliaB's. Lazeez waiting in attendance keeping their cups and glasses full as they waited.
A table in the rear held Denny, Frank McCoy, Jeff Zephyr and We3, Tanya still in her black silk Combat garb, having just returned from her mission into Afghanistan.
To one side, in a knot were Father Ignatius, the Right Reverend Cotton Mather, Sven the Elder, Uther Pendragon, Eli the Bearded and Sister Innocenta discussing the Seven Deadly Sins. The men were voting on the possibilities of personal first hand lessons with the good Sister's instruction.
Mr. Slot, Michael D., Shon Richards, Jimmie Hat, Dr. Spin and a young Cheerleader type named Ruthie were gathered around a booth set in another corner. A banner over the booth announced Join the Club. Nick Urfe was wandering in that direction.
Matt, Des, Lisala, Joyce, El Gato, Eye, Conture and others, all fine authors indeed, were scattered about the room and amongst the tables. Chatting, greeting old friends and making new ones amongst the gathered throng.
Souvie was busy at a table, laying out pens, 8 x 10 Glossies of an extremely provocative nature, and a box of hand autographed used panties and brassieres she'd been collecting since finding she'd join the ranks of Professional authors. A small tasteful sign to one side announced: Personal Autographs: $5.00. Autographed personal items: $10.00. Autographing you: $15.00. You autographing Me: Free. Tattooing my autograph on your breast or phallus - I pay you!!
Virago was assisting her and the two appeared to be very busily involved with a mutual admiration society as they worked. Though Virago's hands did seem to wander every time Souvie bent over before her.
WZB, Rui, Rey, Norm de Ploom, Stasya, Stubby, Conjugate Kelly and Maria G., all the fine Author's of ASSD were gathered in answer to the Leprechaun's summons. Though not all appeared to be in the Dining Salon. Ray's voice, for example, could be heard from the kitchen bellowing for more hot oil. Seems he was preparing Popcorn Rattlesnake, Snake Burgers and Hush Puppies to augment the already expansive menu.
BAMPF!! In a small cloud of smoke and a stink of Irish marsh gas, the Leprechaun appeared at the head of the room.
“I suppose you're all wonder. . .” Looking around the room he realized that no one seemed to have noticed his arrival. With a wave of his hand, the band disappeared and a single trumpet appeared in it's place. Floating in mid-air it sounded loudly with 'call to post', before disappearing.
More loudly than before, the little man, still dressed all in green, spoke again, “AS I WAS SAYING; I suppose you are all wondering why I called you here. If I can have your attention, I'll explain. Denny, will you stop playing with Tanya's TAAFL and listen for a moment? Hecate! Kindly come back above the table please. Bronwen will not be receiving email here on the train so her panties may remain on. It is also not important whether Alexis left her underwear at home again. Jimmy Bot, please cease that incessant beeping. Pay attention please. I have an announcement.”
“Tomorrow is the anniversary of the birth of one of our number. Because of this, Ray has requested that we make a very special stop. Alexis, is that a grin I see on your lovely face? Hecate, STOP THAT!! Return to your seat please.”
To the assembly at large, “Pardon the interruption,” as Hecate rose from under the table making an obscene gesture. Alexis frowned at him. “The train will shortly arrive at Intercourse, Pennsylvania, where we will be holding a Gala birthday Celebration for our own Maria Gonzalez. It will be taking place on the soccer field next to the Mudd River. If the Birthday girl will kindly take this box - thank you - inside she will find her garb for the coming festivities.”
“Maria's choice of garb consists of two Bikini's (thong of course) in either the colors of her home country, Mexico, or adopted home, the United States. Each guest will be presented with a soccer ball on exiting the train, and during the day will be expected to help Maria practice her goal tending for the upcoming Olympic Trials.”
“We have a cake for her . . . Which I personally supervised the preparation of! Since it is his fault that I am yet stuck here I have opted that the cake be in the shape of Shon Richards, so I can see him cut up in effigy. Seems he included a clause in his agreement with me that the _days_ I would be impressed into his servitude, would be days of biblical proportion. This is just the beginnings of my revenge Mr. Richards,” he sneered, his ugly face contorted in an evil leer.
“During the festivities, we also have special gifts for Maria. A Piñata in the shape of an INS agent stuffed to over-flowing with goodies for all . . . a wide and varied assortment of condoms, dildoes, vibrators, leather and vinyl accessories, scented oils and body paints. She will not even be required to wear a blindfold; unless she so chooses - though I would recommend she remember the nature of the persons attending and her scanty garb before covering her eyes.”
“There will be a 'Dunk the INS Agent' tank set up with a more than sufficient supply of softballs for all who wish try a throw or two. A 'Pin the Tail on the INS Agent' game will also be constantly running (using staple guns rather than tacks) - for this game, the INS Agent will be blindfolded rather than the contestants. There is also a football toss game with an INS agent shackled behind the tire target. The presence of his 'jewels' beyond the target area will both sweeten the target and prevent the footballs from wandering over-far. Besides - we might just be able to prevent the ultimate creation of another such agent with a well placed throw or two.”
“Finally, Ray has graciously volunteered to provide any remaining oil, after his cooking chores, for use in our new 'Boil the INS Agent in Oil' game. So, come one, come all and join in the festivities.”
. . . . Each interested author is now expected to step forward with their wishes for the honoree. . . .
(Knew I'd get on the Fantasy Train somehow: Many happy returns of the Day, Maria.) <g>
Ray
