Dealer, I Am All In by cmsix

Chapter 3

I guess it was inevitable. Three months is a long time for a vehicle to sit in long term parking. My CB radio, linear amplifier and radar dector were gone. I didn't even open the truck, I could see it had been burglarized without that.

I checked with the security chief for the parking lot and he called the top man for airport security. Apparently they are more efficent after 9/11. I was giving a statement, listing the missing items and giving the serial numbers that my CB man had provided in a list when I bought them, when a normal security flunky made probably the stupidest statement in his life, so far.

"You can't claim that stuff was stolen, it ain't even legal. That radio was modified to talk on the CB channels and that ain't legal," he said, seeming proud of himself.

It took about three point five microseconds for the head man over all security at the airport to realize he had found the thief, but the head man over long term parking security needed almost three quarters of a second to figure it out. They had him under citizen's arrest, in cuffs and handy leg irons when the Shreveport Police showed up to haul him away.

After he was gone the head of airport security finished taking down the information, including the prices for the equipment and the charges for installation. Then he told me that I would probably be getting a check within a week or two from the long term parking's insurance company.

I thanked him and told him I would be opening the hood of my truck to retrieve my spare radar detector before I left. I offered to show him the serial number on it, but he declined, saying that he didn't doubt me.

On the way home I was in a bad mood, since this would further delay the camping trip I had been wanting to take. I called my CB man and explained that I would need a replacement, being careful this time to let him know I only needed one new radio and one new linear amplifier. He asked about the antenna but thankfully it hadn't been molested.

I nearly had him ship them to me, since I thought I could replace them myself, but I decided against it. No need to scrimp on Jr's part of the action. Jr and his father probably wouldn't be all that mad at the thief.

I called my CB man back and made sure that Jr would be available to install the new equipment. He assured me that he would and I said I'd be up there in the morning.

I'd just finished a shower and was about to climb into bed for a few more house sleep when my phone rang. It was my mule man from Missouri and no doubt my CB man had told him I was heading their way.

My mule man had made a remarkable deal for four of the finest mules he'd ever come across. Naturally I was the first one he thought of when he came into possesion of the fine animals, and he wondered if I'd be up in his neck of the woods anytime soon. He thought I should at least take a look at them and he'd be happy to hold them for a week or two if it took that long for me to schedule a trip.

I was pretty sure that he must know damned well that I'd be up there tomorrow, but I didn't call his hand on it. The Borax commercial started playing in the back of my mind, and though I kept telling myself I had no earthly need for twenty mules, I heard myself tell him I just happened to be coming up tomorrow.

"Well, brang a few of those other mules with ya and we can do some tradin' if you don't need to hold on to all of 'em," he said.

I know that living so long in Las Vegas could give one an unnatural view of the world, but I had been born and raised in Texas after all. At least I knew enough to know that the one way to get fucked even deeper than when buying a horse or mule was to try trading a horse or mule.

"No thanks, I'm working on a little project and I'm sure I'll be able to work the new mules in, if I like them, without getting rid of any that I already own," I said, explaining without really explaining.

I was not about to tell him that I might end up with twenty mules.

With the few hours sleep on the plane, and a few I got after getting home, I was able to leave for Sprinfgield about two AM and I made it into my CB man's front yard by nine the next day.

Everything was ready when I got there and it didn't take Jr twenty minutes to have it all set up, including checking the SWR. Jr was amazed when I paid him the same as I had for the first installation. I did forego the gratuity this time though.

I figure that things must have happened too fast for his father to think up another move like the casual Radar Detector display he pulled off last time. I did buy another one to replace the spare I was now using.

After that I was off to see my mule man.

I'll have to admit that these mules were even bigger, healthier looking, stronger, and even more well mannered seeming than any I'd bought so far. I'd come expecting to get some more that probably matched the quality of those I already had. I was actually thrilled to get these four.

"These are indeed excellent mules. Do you know where you can find more like them?" I asked.

"Well, yes and no. I know the old man that raised 'em and he does have more. Trouble is, it's like he's sellin' one of his kids when he lets one go. I practically had to beg him for these four and he made me promise I'd only sell 'em to folks I knew personally would take good care of 'em," my mule man said, and seemed almost embarrassed about it.

"Well, the next time you talk to him, tell him that I'm pleased beyond words with his mules. If he's worried about the way I might treat them I'll be glad to pay for his trip to my home so that he can see that I give them the best of care so he won't be afraid to let me buy more," I said.

"I'll do that, but I know what his main problem is. His mules are so big and strong he just can't get away from feeling like folks works 'em too hard," my mule man said.

I couldn't help it, I laughed right in his face and I had a hard time stopping. With the way he looked at me, almost as if he were mad, I laughed even harder.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh, I really didn't but it's so funny. I don't work these mules, all I've bought them for was to use as pack mules for camping.

I've never even put a hundred pounds of equipment on any of them, and though I intend to use them more as soon as I get around to it, I've never actually used any of them but the very first two I bought from you for camping yet. I haven't had time," I said.

It was probably the first time my mule man had been surprised so completely in his life. He knew how much I'd paid him for the mules I'd bought so far, and I'm sure he'd assumed I had some legitimate use for them. He was flabbergasted that I'd never really used any of them except the first two. It took him a couple of minutes to gather his wits but then he said:

"I'll tell him what you said, and I don't know whether or not he'll want to come and see your place. I'm pretty sure when I tell him what you said you'll go right to the top of his list of favorite customers though. He loves his mules. How many of them do you think you might be interested in?" my mule man asked me.

I couldn't help it, it just popped out of my mouth.

"At least sixteen more, just like these," I said.

Even though he was obviously shell shocked, my mule man said he'd see about it, then he helped me load the four I'd bought today into my trailer and I took off for home.

I was back by ten PM that night, and damned glad of it. I unloaded the new mules and went inside and directly to bed.

I called the farrier the next morning and he told me he could check all my stock that day. I loaded them into the new trailer and headed out by 10 AM.

Even though I had a new ten horse trailer, with the purchase of four new mules I couldn't have made do with one trip, since I now had eleven head of livestock. Thankfully the four new mules had been shod before the old man that raised them let them go. So they didn't need to make the trip today.

I was relieved to have only one trip to make, but slightly pissed that I hadn't ridden one step on the set of shoes that now needed replacing because horse's and mule's hooves grow over time whether you ride them or not. I couldn't even think of a way to blame it on the horses, or the mules.

I did find something entertaining to do while I was waiting. The farrier's place was up on a hill alongside Highway 59, and today there were two Highway Patrolmen working this stretch of road pretty hard. I listened to the CB while the truckers kept track of them and I watched the effect they had on my detector when they used their radar. Not terribly exciting, but better than nothing.

It was five PM before he got done and I'm sure he was as tired as I thought I should be. Since it had been so long he had to remove every shoe and then replace them after trimming the horses and mules feet. Oh, his aching back. I reminded myself that learning to shoe horses was something I never even wanted to contemplate. I also hoped he never learned to play poker, because he'd surely give this up if he did.

The sun was setting by the time I had all the horses and mules in place and fed. I was a little tired myself. I hadn't really done that much today, but sitting around by the highway, listening to the CB radio and watching the radar detector had taken their toll. I took a shower and went to bed, tomorrow would be a busy day.

Busy, busy, busy. I rode the stallion right after breakfast, for about an hour. It had been months since I'd been on his back and I guess he'd considered himself retired. It took me ten minutes to convince him he wasn't.

I decided to ride the mares next. I hadn't been on them for probably nine months and you know how females get if you don't pay them any attention. I couldn't decide whether they were mad at me for ignoring them for so long or mad at me for making them haul me around. At least I was sure about one thing, they were mad, at me.

The next thing I tried was the organization of my mule train, and that was a bad phrase in itself. Bad because it reminded me of the other time I'd heard it. Twenty mule train Borax, from the old commercial. Or was it twenty mule team Borax. No matter, I had twenty on my mind now and if I couldn't get it off I was afraid my next horse trailer would have to be a semi and that I'd have to go to truck driving school.

I managed to quell the urge to go shopping for a Peterbilt, but only by the hardest. I didn't load the mules for the first try, I just put pack saddles on the ones I had packsaddles for and hitched them all to a long lead rope, then I led them around on foot for about fifteen minutes.

After I was sure they would follow, more or less in line, I saddled the stallion again and mounted him, leading my mules around from his back. It was easier than I'd expected and I might have gotten carried away in my enthusiasm, since I later decided that I needed to make sure the mares would function gracefully in this parade too.

My first try, with the mares at the front of the lead rope and the mules strung out behind them, was a train wreck. The mares didn't want to follow on the lead rope anyway, and after they'd at least tried, they decided that they wanted to walk more nearly side by side. This would not do.

Next, I tried tying the mares to the end of the string and it was even worse. The mares still tried to get side by side when we started moving, and when they managed that, and discovered that they were being pulled along by all those mules. Well, I'm sure you get the picture. To make matters worse, I was beginning to suspect that the mules were as put out with the mares fucking up the works as I was.

Since I wasn't having any trouble with the mules, I removed the packsaddles and turned them out. After that I tied one mare to a stout post that I'd installed just for such things, and led the other one. I led her and led her and led her. It seemed to be helping but my ass was getting sore.

In a flash of insight, I hitched the stallion to my horse walker and tied the mare's lead rope to the pommel of his saddle. All the horses and mules, except for the newest arrivals, were familiar with the horse walker drill, and this new wrinkle with the mare being tied to the stallions saddle was old news for her after a few rounds. It looked like this was actually going to work.

I left them at it and started reorganizing my packing and re-evaluating the amount of things I could take with me. I spent the rest of the day merrily playing with my camping toys and even wound up trying to decide if there was anything else I could convince myself I needed. I had mules that didn't have anything to go in their packsaddles and even had four new mules that I didn't even have packsaddles for.

After four hours of following the stallion around and around on the horse walker, the first mare was cured. I unhitched the stallion from it, untied the lead rope from his saddle and then mounted him. The mare was more than happy to follow him without protest, and she seemed to have no interest in coming up to walk side by side with him.

Next I tried putting the string of mules in line behind her. It didn't bother her in the least by now. She was not at all interested in the mules behind her. When I tried her on the tail of the line she didn't feel slighted in the least this time either. I even went so far as to tie her behind the fourth mule and then tie the rest of the mules behind her. Everything was merry now.

I figured I had the cure for the mares' intransigence now, but I put off the instructions for the other mare until tomorrow, and put all my stock away for the night.

Bright and early the next morning I was out, saddling the stallion and the mares, and hoping that the second mare had learned from her sister's mistake.

She hadn't learned a damned thing except to stand still while she was tied to the post. I gave her the same treatment the other one had gotten. Leaving the stallion going round and round on the walker with this mare tied to his saddle's pommel.

I figured four hours would do it for her too. This meant that the stallion was going to do double duty, and through no mischief of his own. What the hell, life was often unfair. Meanwhile, I took another spin around the packsaddle packing.

It's really awkward trying to pack a packsaddle while it's lying on the ground. I tried putting them on saw horses for this practice but that didn't really work out. So, I pressed the mules into service. They didn't seem to mind and in fact I think they were relieved when they realized that they didn't actually have to go anywhere, but only had to stand still while I messed around with that crap on their backs.

The mare that was currently in training had slightly pissed me off this morning, so I let her follow the stallion's ass for a little over five hours. When I finally stopped the walker and mounted the stallion, leadrope in hand, she was on her best behavior.

I had time to try her at the front, back, and middle of the string, all with good results. I even caught the first mare again and let her in on the fun. I was finally satisfied that I could put any of them anywhere in the string and that everything would go as expected. I rested well that night with thoughts of a job well done.

I started the next morning with tying both the mares and all the mules into a long string, without any packsaddles, and then leading them around for about an hour. I even took them into the woods for half a mile or so and brought them back out.

For my next trick, I saddled both the mares also, and then put the packsaddles on all the mules I had packsaddles for and loaded them, filling out the ones that had no "official" cargo with crap that I had lying around. We made a more extended ride into the woods this time, probably three miles with all the twists and turns and doublebacks I made. I pronounced my camping expedition ready for anything.

The proof would be in the camping. Even though the weather forecast for the upcoming October weekend wasn't geared for comfortable camping, I made my plans.

Wednesday afternoon the packsaddles for the new mules and those I'd ordered for the mares came in via UPS. I hadn't been up to much that day, just making the stallion and then the mares, one at a time, haul me around on their backs. I put the stallion away, got out all the mules and the two mares and spent the rest of the day making sure that everyone's packsaddle fit properly.

I spent all day Thursday arranging my gear in the packsaddles and I finally had to pack up a lot of my guns, ammo and reloading equipment to try filling the yawning maws of all the packsaddles I had.

It turned cold Thursday night. Not bitterly cold, but it got down into the upper thirties, and that's cold in North East Texas. I was undaunted. I packed my mule train, saddled my stallion and even put the packsaddles on the mares, I didn't like to see them getting by without carrying anything, especially after all the trouble they'd caused about the whole thing, and mounted up. We went all the way to the back edge of my property again, and I even took a winding path, crisscrossing my property four times just so I could have a nice ride.

I'd been over an hour and a half packing all the equipment and it took two hours to unpack and pitch my tent. With the horses picketed and their feed bags on, I built my campfire and cooked my supper of a New York Strip, Ranch Style Beans, and I opened a bag of Fritos as an extra treat. Of course the wine of choice was Lone Star Long Necks, cool from being in the little nearby stream. Actually, in this weather they were very cold.

After supper was eaten and I'd cleaned my camp dishes, I set up my portable DirectTV/Tivo and actually got a good picture on my color TV. While I was watching a rerun of "The 2004 World Series of Poker" on ESPN, it came to me that I should probably buy one of those flat panel TVs that could double as a computer monitor, and that I should build a nice computer in a small, portable, mid-tower. I could fit all that easily into one packsaddle or another, I already had room to spare aplenty. I drifted off and was dreaming of it in minutes.

Thunder woke me and I shook my head to clear the cobwebs. I could hear sleet rattling against my tent. I put my clothes back on, picked up my big flashlight and went outside.

The horses and mules looked miserable, standing there with their heads down, dripping from the rain that no doubt preceeded the sleet, and bunching up together as best they could, to share their body heat.

All the packsaddles looked miserable too, even though they were still in the neat line I'd put them in. At least I'd had sense enough to throw a lightweight tarp over the three riding saddles after I'd taken them off and put them on the ground cloth.

The fire was now a small pool of wet ashes and I just knew I wouldn't be getting it going again in time for breakfast. Even though I'd brought a light jacket with me and even though I'd put it on before leaving my tent, I was still cold, but I knew this was a lucky break.

You can sit around in your comfortable home and look at camping equipment on the internet all you want to. It can never replace experience though. Here was a wonderful opportunity to have the elements jog my memory about things I might want to bring with me while I was camping.

The first thing that popped into my mind was that I'd been hasty when I discounted the value of the tent I'd almost purchased. The one that made allowance for a small wood burning stove inside it. The second thought was how stupid I'd been in not buying said stove.

I'd gone for a smaller tent that not only didn't have a place to put a little wood burning stove, it wasn't large enough to put my packsaddles in either, that meant they were outside being covered in sleet.

A different tent was definitely in order. And that was another thing. Why did all my gear have to go on pack mules? Surely, at least some of the time I'd be camping where I could take a wagon. As a matter of fact, a wagon sounded like it could be a project on it's own.

Right about then I discovered that sleet actually could knock out satellite TV reception. It wasn't doing much for the radio reception either and I didn't have a CB for my horse. I took my clothes back off and got back in my sleeping bag. It was filled with some type of spaceage insulation and at least I could be warm in it, fire or not.

The next morning, waking up with an inch or so of sleet covering everything outside and not able to make a fire put me in mind to discover some type or emergency heat source. When I first started all this I'd disdained a propane gas cooking setup, after all, real campers burned firewood.

It came to me then, like an epiphany. Real campers go home when they find they are out of their element. I packed up everything and rode my horse home, leading the pack mules and mares along behind me.

As soon as I led them into the barn I knew they felt a lot better about things. After they were unloaded and standing at the feed trough, munching on whole oats and tearing out a bite of coastal bermuda hay every now and then, they were much happier. The biggest mule did turn a baleful eye on me once though, as if to say:

"Man, was that a fuckup or what?"

I went directly to my computer and ordered a sixteen by twenty-four Montana tent and a titanium wood stove that only weighed twelve pounds. I threw in a dozen twenty by 25 lightweight tarps that I could use as necessary.

While I had it on my mind, I ordered some horse/mule blankets. These only covered the main body of the animal and not the head and neck. They weren't perfect, but they would keep the rain and sleet off them while they were stuck standing around in the weather.

Ten minutes later, after thinking about the way the horses and the mules had looked so miserable, I canceled that order. Instead, I ordered a Royal Grand Champion Cordura Blanket and Hood for every horse and mule I owned. I didn't want word getting back to the old man that I'd been treating his children/mules shabbily.

That got me back to the wagon deal. I had no doubt that I could design a better wagon now than any that had ever been built. In the first place I'd use automobile type tires and I could envision coil-over shock kits.

I fired up AutoCad and had a go at it. I spent two days, off and on, designing my three by eight by twelve wagon. By using fourteen inch wheels and some of those high-class short sidewall tires I could fit the wheels under the wagon and still give it a lower center of gravity than the old west type jobs. And by having fully independent suspension, albeit a crude one, I still had plenty of ground clearance.

Titanium construction would make it super light-weight. It also made the bids I got for building it to my specs super expensive. Who'd have thought a damned horse drawn wagon could cost thirty thousand dollars.

What the hell, it was only money and since they were glad to take cash and said they'd keep their mouths shut about it, I took them half the money to get started. I spent a day with the company's engineers and it was worth the time. They also suggested disc brakes and a small electric winch with a solar powered battery charging system.

I thought long and hard about a Connestoga wagon style canvas top with bows to hold it up but they suggested a pup-tent shaped titanium top that hinged on one side, and since it was only a few thousand more I went for it. After all, poker was good to me.

The new Montana tent was in within a week, and surprisingly the wagon was only scheduled to take a month or so. Still, I was ready to make another try when the tent came in, and I finally found something to put in the two mares packsaddles. Whole oats. With the mares carrying the feed I could bring enough for an extended trip.

Only two weeks from the date of my camping diaster I was headed off again into the wilds of my extended back yard. Well, it was more than that, but by now it was beginning to feel that way. Of course this time I was set for cold, rainy, sleeting weather. And the weather was beautiful.

I still tried to act like it was raining when I set up camp, and this time I'd bought a couple of space heaters that would screw onto the end of those small throw-away propane tanks. No, I didn't need them and there was absolutely no need to bother with my new titanium wood heater either. But I did unpack, assemble, and pretend to build a fire in it.

I also gathered a significant amount of firewood and put it on one of the tarps and then covered it with another one, in honor of being stuck with nothing but soaking wet firewood last time.

I did have a wonderful outing and decided that I loved camping. I was looking forward to another one the next weekend, especially because there was at least a chance of rain. Alas, tragedy befell Jerrilyn and Jackie again, multiple tragedies in fact.