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"Journey into Sexual Awareness" by Desdemona22 (housewife turns
slut). Gandmar: really bad
"Journey into Sexual Awareness" by Desdemona22 (desdmona22@aol.com). Guest review by Mary Jorsay Gandmar. (maryjg@finebody.com). --- This one has it all: passive voice, hackneyed cliches, hashed metaphors, laboured humour, no plot, no characterization, clumsy language and, worst of all, not a vestige of eroticism - everything, in fact, except style and substance. The by-line is just plain silly: "written by an adult for an adult in an adult fashion". Indeed. The writing is plain bad: so much so that I found myself cringing, every line an assault. "We had experimented a little and when I say experimented I mean in an old-fashioned petri dish sort of way, let's put this on top of this and see what develops after awhile." Awhile? The OED says "awhile" means "for a short time", quite different from "a while", meaning after a little while. And how can sex be like a petri dish? A petri dish is round, shallow, has a vertical edge or lip and one cultivates bacteria or agar or some such thing in it, right? And this petri dish sex, we are told, is a 'hypothesis'. Duh. Also, it apparently lacks variety. Therefore the author "had out done the missionaries." Have mercy. Then there's the carelessness with grammar, spelling, syntax, construction: "Then along came my prime." Who dat? And she loves "the gates of hell" - they open up twice in four pages. Anyway, for what little it matters, here's what we're being told. Domesticated housewife suddenly finds herself turning into a bubbling cauldron of lust. Hormones seething in her bosom and elsewhere, she heads off to the local library and picks up a copy of the Kama Sutra. Back home, in bed with her husband (such excitement!) she presents him the book (here's the first set of the gates of hell yawning open). Lo and behold they discover that there is such a thing as anal sex, position 22. At this point the writing slips from its already precarious perch. "Finally I grabbed the book and turned to position 22. I had always known that A would fit into B but this was showing how A could also go into C. My "c" kind of liked the idea and began to moisten in it's avid approval. I showed him the picture and waited. Long minutes passed, and I had already begun to listen to the burning synapses between vagina and brain and was casually fingering." A? Going into C not B? Avid approval? Burning synapses? My c kind of liked the idea? Surely this is the bottom of the barrel. More of the same. Madam's anus, asshole, whatever, is daintily referred to throughout as her hole C. The other proximate orifice, a.k.a. vagina, cunt, slit, pussy, etc., is hole B. Go figure. Madam is hot, we gather, because her 'pre-orgasmic body had already taken control of the intellectual side and told it to take a much needed nap". When Monsieur hesitates at buggering his missus, she threatens to "do the Bobbit and proceed without him". How this miracle is to be achieved we are not told. Perhaps just as well. Now Monsieur needs "lubrication" which he obtains by "finding hole B first". This "nearly sends" the missus "from stoic control to blathering idiot". The former is inexplicable in the circumstances, and by now the reader is strongly tempted to regard the latter as the lady's natural state. Then they "proceed" with the "main attraction" (he having so "decreed") and this results in what must surely rank as the erotic howler of all time: "Take that libido!!" a tiny voice in the recesses of her mind cries. I didn't know one had to take revenge on one's sex drive. Meanwhile her nerve endings do something called a happy dance. Is that like the birdie dance, clap your hands, flap your wings? Punch line. Madam wants to progress to position 69-101 and eventually earn "frequent user miles in that aisle at the bookstore." Um, I thought it was the library a few paragraphs earlier. No matter. A mere peccadillo, it pales in contrast. As for the user miles bit, the less said the better. Bereft of a single redeeming feature, this 'story' doesn't deserve a rating. |