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"My Best Friend, My Lover" by Stephanie (ff adolescent sex)
7, 4, 5
"My Best Friend, My Lover" by Stephanie (Angei911@aol.com). Guest review by DG. In the header to this story, the author mentions that this is her first erotic story and she asks for comments and suggestions. Here are mine: Stephanie: As the story starts you and your best friend Kirstin are watching a movie together in your room. We learn that both of you are attractive high school girls. You find yourself taking a peek at Kirstin's shapely ass, and she catches you looking. So far, not too bad. I can picture the scene, and it seems pretty realistic. I like a story about high school girls having sex as much as the next pervert. My only quibble is that there might be a little more background. Have you been fantasizing about Kirstin for a long time? How do you feel in general about sex between girls? Which one of you is more outgoing than the other? Once Kirstin catches you peeking, more serious problems develop with the story. Kirstin grabs your hand and sniffs it, realizes that you have been playing with yourself, and almost immediately orders you to eat her pussy. Stephanie, this just isn't realistic. Thirty year old dykes might behave like that, but not high school girls with boyfriends. Take a little time and have things develop more naturally. Maybe try this: you're embarrassed to be caught looking and you apologize. Kirstin laughs and admits that she looks at you sometimes too. You ask Kirstin if she's ever has sex with a girl. She says no, but she's thought about it. One thing leads to another - a hug, an kiss, some giggles, a feel. Once the sex starts, you fall victim to many of the cliches of sex writing. These cliches can be summed up as the mistaken assumption that more is always better. If a damp pussy is sexy, than a dripping pussy must be really sexy. If full breasts are a turn-on, enormous breasts must be even better. Not true. What is really sexy is realism - giving the reader the impression that the scene could really happen the way you describe it. Do you think readers will buy it when you have a high-school girl say to her friend "Lick my drenched cunt" or "I'll bet you have a tight little fuck-hole?" Of course not. Don't you think it would be more realistic, and therefore sexier, if you or Kirstin said "God, I know you're going to think this sounds really gross, but...do you ever wonder what it would be like to lick a girl's...you know, to kiss a girl down there?" Maybe you don't. I'm just giving you my opinion. At the end of the story you ask the readers "Would you like to read part 2?" I hate to say it, but the answer is no. You haven't created believable characters that I would want to get to know better or developed the kind of sexual energy and tension that comes from real people behaving in realistic ways. My advice to you is to start over with the same general idea, but to make your characters real high school girls with real high-school girl personalities, fears, guilt trips, emotions, and goals. If you can portray characters like that getting down to some pussy munching, I *will* want to read part 2. Ratings for "My Best Friend, My Lover" Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot & character): 4 DG (appeal to reviewer): 5 |