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Return To the Celestial Review (This does NOT open a new window) Return To the Index (This does NOT open a new window) Note, to make reading multi-part stories easier, story links (links with dejanews.com or www.qz.to, NOT the review or profile links) will open up a new browser window. When you are done reading the story, or section of the story simply CLOSE the story window. |
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"The Coffee Break" by Sybian (cum drinking) 6, 7, 6
"The Coffee Break" by Sybian (sybian1@aol.com). Guest review by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com). Timing and pace are vitally important. The spoken word cannot convey humor or drama without a sense of timing. In a similar fashion, the written word loses impact without pace or rhythm. Run-on paragraphs, just like run-on sentences, lose us as well as the erotic message they may carry. Poorly formatted stories, sometimes appearing as huge blocks of text consisting of multiple quotes and scenes, often leave the reader scratching their head and wondering just what the devil is going on. This can be technical (and overcome), it may be neglect or worse, indifference. The story "The Coffee Break" borders on this run-on fault were it not so short. In truth, it's not a story. At best it's a scene that could well be part of a larger tale. I'll share what I think are the shortcoming of this story, those things that are offputting and distance readers from the gate. Any story written in the second person singular present tense - ("My cock is in my fist, pumping, as you sit and watch.") - by construction limits identification and intimacy. Who is "you" in this story? This construction permits intimacy only between the author and the intended recipient, certainly not us. It may hold some appeal to a voyeur but has an atrophied appeal to those who would prefer to be pulled into the story's intimacy. A story written in block form - the run-on paragraph - requires that the reader *work* at the story. It requires that we figure it out as we go (if we go). I suspect it's not employed as a writing device as much as a lack of device, or organization, or discipline. As such, the positive aspects of a story are hidden, masked and largely unavailable to us. The story's so short, I reformatted it to read again. It helped, the grammatical errors notwithstanding. maggie (sic), who's drinking coffee from a cup labeled "slave," is very directive in instructing Steven to ejaculate into her cup as she masturbates him. That's it. That the scene. It's not clear who's the dominant and who's the submissive in this tale and indeed, it's moot. The scene's too short to be seductive or erotic, but it's brevity permits your scanning it. In fact, it's only one paragraph that you might read on your way to accepting or rejecting it. I'd vote for the later. Ratings for "The Coffee Break" Athena (technical quality): 6 Venus (plot & character): 7 BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 6 |