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"The Awakening" by Lisa Cohn (ff teen sex) 8, 6, 6
"The Awakening" by Lisa Cohn (reposted by John Dark). Guest review by jubjub. Story Summary: Two young girls discover each other. This story disappointed me. The low ranking I give this story for appeal has nothing to do with the subject matter. It has everything to do with presentation and style. Technically, the story was great. One small spelling error that I would have ignored and no punctuation or grammar errors (one suspicious paragraph format that I didn't count off for). Now the author needs to go back and rewrite it. The flow was nonexistent for most of the story. Time and again, I stopped to consider how I would write that particular passage. Most of the sentences contained too many words and had clauses which were unnecessary. However much I find pedophilia attractive, I could not even begin to get into this story. It felt like a high school writing assignment--the writer was so concerned with technical perfection that the flow of the sentences suffered. Plot and character likewise fell victim to the stilted prose. The narrator conveyed the voice of an adult looking at the scene in a detached manner. Some historical background was conveyed but there was no emotional depth--merely a matter-of-fact rendering of events. While the story reached a technical climax, it felt empty and humdrum. The author showed no imagination in imagery or word selection I do like pedophilia stories. The sense of innocence and discovery clashing with the adult sensibilities implied with the sex act is arousing for me. But the tone of this story IS adult. No sense or feeling about either of these girls comes through. The author would be better served to write in a more energetic style. To better describe the young flowering of sensual awareness--to complete the magic spell that enthralls those enraptured by the arousal of discovery. Sorry, decent story but not really a good one. Ratings for "The Awakening" Technical: 8 Technically excellent but style felt stiff and vocabulary plain Character and Plot: 6 Very humdrum. No imagery or emotion Appeal: 6 Boring because of a severe lack of style and imagery (Notice a pattern here?) |