|
Return To the Celestial Review (This does NOT open a new window) Return To the Index (This does NOT open a new window) Note, to make reading multi-part stories easier, story links (links with dejanews.com or www.qz.to, NOT the review or profile links) will open up a new browser window. When you are done reading the story, or section of the story simply CLOSE the story window. |
|
"Paula" by Rob4Play (pleasant fantasy). Mink: 8, 5, 6
"Paula" by Rob4Play (Rob4Play@aol.com). Guest review by the reclusive "Mike Ink". --- Celeste sent this along to me with a note saying "This is by an author who has not posted to this newsgroup before, but he seems to be interested in submitting more stories, if he is encouraged to do so." She must have skimmed the story and seen the same promise that I do. I'm a newcomer to reviewing on this forum myself. So I face a small dilemma; a review should be an accurate digest for the reader, an even- handed evaluation of the piece as it now is for the writer, and not just a bug hunt for errors (that's called proofing). Let's see how I do. The author provides a summary himself. "Personal preferences: everything, variety of men, SEX! Here, I fantasize about being finally alone with her in the office at the end of the day. This is the first time this has happened. After months and months of looking, drooling ... never seeing enough cleavage .. imagining what it would be like to be fucking her brains out, today we are alone. I can make it happen. And I did." The last two sentences really say what writing is all about, don't they? The story starts out "Larry, Moe, Charley, Ralph, and Dave had left for the day." Charley? What happened to Curly? Our hero is being clever, sneaking peeks down the office manager's blouse. He thinks he's being subtle; she plays him like a fish. He chases her until she catches him, and they settle down to some pretty good, pretty basic sex, right there on the desk. One of the better lines is ""If that thing goes off before you do me..." Obligingly, he scoots on down and gets her off first with his tongue. Always nice to meet a gentleman. The author drops a jarring note into this; the guy is married. This is irrelevant to the story thus far, and just drops in with a loud thud. Note to author: Drop it unless you are going to use it. Celeste does a nice job of teasing when she describes plots. I aspire to her skills, but in this case there's no plot to inadvertently reveal. She teases, he pleases, they screw. Eventually his partner shows up, they get started on a 3-way, and, and... "To be continued. .... Maybe." Reminds me of the old Batman series. Back to the dilemma. The story is incomplete, not proofed, and not really ready for prime time. It's a draft of a pleasant fantasy. But this guy can write. There are nice, albeit shallow, characterizations of people doing believable things. Now he needs to take this story and add plot, tension, resolution, and all that good stuff that comes after the initial image of "gee, I would like to fuck her. I wonder what it would be like?" That's the author's job. He's learning the trade, and exploring what works for his style. I described my job above, and I wouldn't have spent this much time on this review if I didn't see some real potential buried under careless errors. Now, your job is to fuel the author's energy. Send him email. Encourage him, even if it is a one liner. Tell him what worked for you, or didn't. Remember the blow job principle. Ratings for "Paula" Athena (technical quality): 8 (minor technical flaws, but good sentence structure) Venus (plot & character): 5 (good characters, but the plot wandered off somewhere) Mink (appeal to reviewer): 6 (but there is such potential...) |