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* "T'ANG JUNZI" by John Dark (oriental sex) 10, 10, 10 http://www.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=334665919 * "T'ANG JUNZI" by John Dark (john_dark@anon.nymserver.com). This was a later arrival for the Second Third Annual Celestial Short Story Contest. It wouldn't have won first prize, but it IS a very nice little story. Pear Blossom is a virgin in the household of the inscrutable and despotic Wang. She is shy and demure, and he likes her and asks her to visit him later. It's a little more complex than that, but you'll have to read the story for the details. Ratings for "T'ANG JUNZI" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 GRAMMAR TIP OF THE WEEK: BREAKING THE RULES. Is it OK to split an infinitive? Should you use "my" or "me" as the "subject" of a gerund? Should I have said "one" instead of "you" in the sentence before this one? Is it proper to end a sentence with a preposition? Is it correct to begin a sentence with a conjunction? There are numerous "rules" to the English language. Actually, these rules are "conventions." Rules would be made by an official body - probably Congress or something analogous to a state board of education; and you can well imagine the idiocy with which we'd have to deal if groups like those made up our grammar rules. "Conventions" are the ways most people act. Miss Manners or some such goddess will tell you that it's "against the rules" to push food onto your fork with your fingers. She would also tell you that it's not proper to fart during sexual intercourse, except that it's also not conventional to talk in her newspaper column about farting or screwing, and so she has no way to talk to us about this topic. SHOULD you push food onto your fork with your finger? The real answer is that it depends. If you're dining with a genteel lady whom you wish to bed later that evening, you'd have to be a fool to do so - unless you thought this rakish gesture would lower her inhibitions. Likewise, if you were applying for a job in the diplomatic corps, I would think you'd prefer to act the way diplomats act. A very practical problem, however, is that if you habitually push food onto your fork with your fingers when you're alone or with your homies, you're likely to make mistakes when you want to do things properly. So your best bet is to use proper etiquette at all times. However, you could commit a serious faux pas by chasing a pea for three minutes while your future in-laws were employing less elegant eating habits. Your inclination to be proper could backfire, because the other people would think you were trying to point out their bad manners. As for farting during sex, that depends on whether it will run down your leg or not. It also depends on what will happen if you DON'T pass gas. This example is getting so interesting that I had better stop and get back on topic. And don't say "whether... or not." Just say "whether." Applied to English grammar, this means that grammar rules are there to help you communicate, not to reduce you to servitude. In general, it's best to know all the "rules" and to follow them. In most cases the rules will help you communicate more effectively. However, in some cases the rules can be counterproductive. For example, someone once told Winston Churchill not to end a sentence with a preposition. Churchill replied, "That's an outrage up with which I shall not put." What he was really saying was that as long as it made good sense to end the sentence with a preposition, he would go ahead and do so. In addition, rules change. When I was a child, we were taught to say "you will" and "he will" but "I shall." Nowadays nobody really cares, and "shall" is used mostly for emphasis. When I was in high school we learned to use the masculine singular pronoun and adjective when the gender of a person was uncertain or indefinite: "Each student should change his underpants at least once a month." Modern women tend to resent this rule, because it implies that men are somehow superior to women. When I was in college, I had a teacher who came down hard on us for beginning sentences with coordinating conjunctions. I eliminated them all - replacing "and" with "in addition" or "furthermore" and but with "however." But then one day I realized that this was silly. And so I went ahead and used my coordinating conjunctions whenever they seemed to help me express myself. Every modern grammar book I've checked now says it's OK to use coordinating conjunctions at the beginning of a sentence; but you should still not overdo the practice or use them when some other wording would be better. Here's the problem. We really have two goals (all right, we probably more than two goals) when writing: (1) to express ourselves and (2) to avoid evoking undesired reactions in our readers. That means that even though I might rightfully think it's OK to violate a "rule," my violation might have negative consequences; and therefore I should think twice before breaking that rule. In other words, if you wouldn't break rules of etiquette during a job interview, don't break rules of grammar in a job application letter. A large number of people who read and employ my grammar guidelines are college students or working people who write for ordinary people. In general, your goal in writing for these audiences will be to express yourself as clearly as possible, and usually your creativity or spontaneity is more important than grammatical correctness. These people probably won't know or care if you break a minor rule (but remember, breaking that minor rule might cause you to communicate less effectively). For example, your psychology prof or office manager is going to be pleased to know that you can discuss concepts with insight and enthusiasm and is not likely to care whether you used a comma or a semicolon between clauses - unless you use punctuation in such a way as to distract her. On the other hand, you have to be aware that there are people who do care about grammar and who react negatively to what they consider to be grammar mistakes. These are often non-sociopaths who have learned to express themselves clearly. They automatically spot and correct their own errors, and they tend to do this for others as well. If one of these people catches you making an error, your mistake could cost you - much as it would hurt you to use bad eating manners or to wear clothes that clash to a job interview. At the very least, it might cause that person to focus on something other than what you are really trying to say. The safest rule is always use proper grammar. If it sounds odd, then talk around it - reword the sentence so that the odd phraseology goes away. For example, Jill enjoyed me nibbling on her clit. {This is incorrect. The subject of a gerund is supposed to be in the possessive case. Actually, most readers wouldn't give a damn about this error.} Jill enjoyed my nibbling on her clit. {This is correct, and it sounds fine to most people. So if you can both write correctly and sound good, why not do so?} Jane enjoyed me and Bob nibbling on her clit. {This is incorrect. The subject of a gerund is supposed to be in the possessive case. But most readers wouldn't give a damn about this error.} Jane enjoyed Bob's and my nibbling on her clit. {This is correct, but it sounds awkward to many people.} Jane enjoyed the way Bob and I nibbled on her clit. {This avoids the problem by saying the same thing in a different way.} It's especially useful to avoid gender conflicts in pronoun references. Some people want you to use "gender free" language, while others think you are being superficial or "politically correct" if you do so. In addition, some of the circumlocutions that people employ to be gender free are just plain cumbersome. The easiest way around this problem is to avoid "he" and "she" by writing in the plural or in the second or third person. Each student should change his underpants at least once a month. {The "his" seems to suggest that the statement refers only to males.} Each student should change his or her underpants at least once a month. {This is fine; but if there were a large number of sentences like this, the constant repetition of "his or her" would become annoying.} Each student should change their underpants at least once a month. {A growing number of English experts will accept this "indefinite singular" use of "they." However, many others will not, and you may not know how your readers will react. The best solution is to use one of the following strategies to avoid the problem entirely.} All students should change their underpants at least once a month. {This avoids the problem by making the subject plural.} We should change our underpants at least once a month. {This avoids the problem by using "we" and "our," which do not differentiate by gender.} Change your underpants at least once a month. {This avoids the problem by using "you" and "your," which do not differentiate by gender.} In practice, you might have to write one way for your English teacher and for people who focus on grammatical correctness and another way for people who don't care. But whatever you do, change your underpants more than once a month.