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"Valentine Jill" by Brother Cadfael (romance) 7, 8, 7
"Valentine Jill" by Brother Cadfael (Brother_Cadfael@earthcorp.com). Guest review by Mark Aster. OK, so here I am sitting by the fire with the cat, women and children all tucked into beds, thinking deep literary thoughts about erotica. How much does the writing-stuff, the stuff about grammar and composition and narrative logic and flow, matter. Compared, say, to the sex and romance? "Valentine Jill", by Brother Cadfael, is a well-conceived soft and romantic story of two people who have been friends but never met, finally getting together and finding that their distant love catches afire quite nicely in proximity, and they make love. The sex is pretty hot, but tenderly and emotionally described. On the other hand, I have qualms about the literary stuff. I'd like this to be a first draft. There are "it's"s that should be "its", and a "lightening" that should be "lightning". There is a corset that she's apparently wearing OVER her dress, if the order of shedding is to be believed (aren't corsets obsolete UNDERclothing? Perhaps I'm just out of touch). There's the unexplained fact that they've been carrying out a courtship with the phone and letters, and never met in person (how do you meet someone on the phone? I need an explanation there), but he knows that her skin is soft (has she sent him photos in which it just looks soft?). He checks into a hotel and goes to sleep, and she shows up less than an hour later. If he was expecting her, why did he go to sleep? If he wasn't expecting her, why wasn't he at all surprised when she showed up? I could go on a bit (and I probably will). The basic idea seems to be to build up tension by having them initially a bit shy or virginal with each other, but in fact what happens is they kiss a little, she undoes his pants, they fall onto the bed, she spreads her legs, they fuck. Then some light B&D. But all described in a very tender and emotional way that doesn't quite fit the action that's occurring. And some sentences need work; I will be cruel and single out "Her lips quickly shed the soft white clothing of a delicate virgin and took to his mouth with an urgency" and "He threw another thorn at the prospect of his feelings and banished them for availing themselves so soon." Both are too showy and complex; nearly incomprehensible. But it's basically a good story. Simplify the sentences, decide how slow and romantic the sex and the wording should be and make them agree, get the hyphen out of "make-love" and decapitalize "Vanilla", think about corsets and hotels, and I'd like the result a lot. So what numbers should I give this? I hate numbers. I hope these do not offend anyone! If the author wants vengeance, he can ask me for a personal and detailed line-by-line critique, as though we were in a Writer's Circle, and I will provide it upon request... Athena: 7 (typos, inconsistencies, odd usages) Venus: 8 (potentially strong plot and character, needs cleaning up) Mark: 7 (I was, cat notwithstanding, too distracted by the literary stuff) |