|
Return To the Celestial Review (This does NOT open a new window) Return To the Index (This does NOT open a new window) Note, to make reading multi-part stories easier, story links (links with dejanews.com or www.qz.to, NOT the review or profile links) will open up a new browser window. When you are done reading the story, or section of the story simply CLOSE the story window. |
|
"Something Fishy in Little Rock" by George Kranz (political
satire & sex) 9.75, 9, 10
"Something Fishy in Little Rock" by George Kranz (5@mail.com). Guest Reviewed by The One And Only TDS. From this here moment, I appoint myself exclusive reviewer of all the alt.sex.stories that are political in nature. I do that on the grounds of my job - I AM a reporter/photographer in real life. I also announce that I am still a bit ticked at dear Celeste for reviewing "Jon Benet Ramsey Rides Again" instead of sending it to ME to comment on. All that did was ruin my announcement to the world that I had finally hit on the idea to make my fortune in life... namely, head out to Boulder, Colorado and sell, at $2.95 each, weather-resistant bumper stickers bearing the following line: "Honk if YOU killed Jon Benet Ramsey!" (Okay, stop laughing now. The joke around this neck of the woods was that, until the game was over, none of us were sure WHICH John the Broncos were playing for... also, Celeste, I'm no longer mad at you; never was, in fact. But your review, for such a hilarious story in retrospect, was a bit tame...sigh...) This one, though, is _another_ matter. Gives me a chance to break out a line I was going to use in my "Clinton 1/2/3" review that Celeste took out (no biggie). During a murder I covered, one of the detectives working on the case made the comment, "The three biggest motivators in life are money, sex and drugs and I think we can eliminate two of them" in this case. On that observation, this story deals with Hillary Clinton and former White House special counsel Vincent Foster, now deceased by his own hand. (All you conspiracy nuts, the following: Just like Elvis, Foster is DEAD - GIVE IT UP!!) {Note from Celeste: My favorite Monica Lewinsky joke came from Jay Leno. One of Clinton's spokesmen had stated to the press that Bill's relationship with Monica was complicated. Leno retorted, "That man doesn't know the meaning of complicated. Take Bill's relationship with Hillary.... Now, THAT's complicated!"} Right. We are dealing with the First Lady of The United States. According to some people I know, they refer to the Clintons as The Chick With The Dick. 'Nuff said. To wit, the above quote relates to this story as follows: * Rule out the drugs. Teflon Willy did NOT inhale, you got that? Yes, he does _breathe_, but he did NOT inhale. * Rule out the money. That's Al Gore's surefire method of orgasm. (And I don't give a fuck what Tipper's is, OK?) As Robin Williams would now say, "Figure it out, Sparky??" Premise deals with an "investigative reporter" in Arkansas (NOT me, folks; I'm in Michigan) getting a visit from what the story purports to be a member of the Hebrew persuasion but is actually another Son of the South with a few... ah... possessions of an incriminating nature that would make a Kenneth Starr drool. Seems that a cousin of this visitor, who turns out to be a "private investigator" (and folks, the life of a PI is _far_ different from what you saw in characters such as Philip Marlow, Thomas Magnum, and even Paul Drake... believe me, I know; one of my best friends IS a well-known private investigator), works in the funeral home that handled Vincent Foster's remains. The cousin has overheard a few conversations and has read a fax from the "Executive Office"; and the gist of the matter is that Hillary Clinton will come to the funeral home in person to pay her... .ah... last respects. What she does with - and TO - Vincent is anything but respectable, particularly when the reporter gets a chance to go to the video tape. Bottom line: If ANY of this shit (and I include everything from the Whitewater land deal caper to the send-Bill-candy-for-Valentines- since- he-already-had-Flowers affair to the Chinese campaign cash to... to... what's that bimbo's name... or more to the point, WHICH bimbo this week), in any way or another is true, there is no quickie paperback publisher on the face of the earth who will ever be able to sell another Elvis/Michael Jackson/Mike Tyson/Jeffrey Dahmer tell-all book to anyone! After all, take a moment to think: Isn't it nice to have the Kennedys BACK in the White House??? SCORING (based on my experience as a Soviet gymnastic judge): Mars (technical merit): 9.75 - due to some bad typing that can be corrected easily. Once that's done, give this a 10. Zeus (plot and character): 9 - loss of point due to lack of response from Bill, on advice of counsel and handlers. Besides, he's probably recovering from all that fucking he did in "Clinton 1/2/3" TDS (appeal to slimeball...er, reviewer): 10 - mainly because this thing is fuckin' hilarious! |