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* "She Invited Me to Fuck Her Over the Net" by Lysander
(really unusual cybersex) 10, 10, 10
* "She Invited Me to Fuck Her Over the Net" by Lysander (lysander@bitsmart.com). Every once in a while I get the silly idea that I have seen all the possible basic plots on this newsgroup. I think I'm going to stop having that silly idea. The narrator of this story is essentially a lunatic with special powers - like being able to find his lost keys without even praying to St. Anthony. It turns out that one of his special powers is being able to insert pointed parts of his anatomy into the computer when he dials up those Internet sex lines that occupy so much of the spam space on a.s.s. Well, as you can imagine, he gets a Golden Membership and lives happily ever after. It's even more interesting when you read it the way the author wrote it. Ratings for "She Invited Me to Fuck Her Over the Net" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 GRAMMAR TIP OF THE WEEK: HYPHENS. The most common use of a hyphen used to be to split a long word into two parts at the end of a line. However, with the advent of the computer, writers rarely worry about this usage anymore. That's because (1) word-processing programs hyphenate automatically with remarkable accuracy and (2) many writers no longer bother splitting words at all. If you do split words by hand, be sure to follow these three simple rules: (1) Don't leave just one letter before the hyphen. (2) Don't hyphenate so that there are fewer than three letters on the subsequent line. (3) Hyphenate only between syllables. (4) If a word already has a hyphen, split it at that hyphen or not at all.. (5) Do not split words where the hyphen would cause confusion. For example, "her-oism" would be confusing. Use "hero-ism" instead. A second usage of hyphens is to join several words into one. For examples, we do this with numbers (e.g., twenty-one, one-fourth). In addition to numbers, the following are occasions when hyphens are appropriate: (1) Use a hyphen to form a compound adjective when you want the two words to be considered a single idea. a well-known prostitute a well-fucked pussy an out-of-date dildo full-fledged blowjob your cock-sucking cousin end-of-the-century romantic literature The above rule applies only when the adjective precedes the noun. If the adjective follows a copulative (linking) verb, omit the hyphen. The prostitute was well known. Her pussy was well fucked. My dildo is out of date. The purpose of this rule is to enable readers to avoid confusion. Readers who see the hyphen will easily join together two words that they would normally tend to separate. Since almost all words that end in -ly are adverbs that modify the following word, a hyphen is not necessary with adverbs that end in -ly. a highly regarded prostitute a slightly fucked pussy (2) Use a hyphen for coined expressions, when you want to make sure readers will put all the words in the expression together. She gave him a go-ahead-and-fuck-me look. (3) Use a hyphen with some prefixes. For example, if a prefix precedes a word that is capitalized, use a hyphen after the prefix. un-American anti-British Some prefixes almost always use a hyphen. You can identify these by looking in a good dictionary. The most common are ex- self- semi- half- quasi- ex-boyfriend ex-lover ex-masturbator self-stimulation half-assed idiot half-completed blowjob semi-literate Australian whore (also semi-literate kangaroo-fucking Australian whore) (4) Sometimes it is useful to use a hyphen to prevent confusion or ambiguity. Who is your favorite comic-strip hero? {Without the hyphen, a reader might think that the hero is a stripper.} a pre-existing disease {without the hyphen, the reader would be likely to try to run the two e's together into a single syllable.} Exceptions and problems: Sometimes words become so closely associated that the hyphen is dropped, and the two words become a single word (e.g., motherfucker, not mother- fucker or mother fucker. If the words were written the latter two ways, they would have a slightly different meaning - for example, there may be a daughter who is a fucker, and her mom might be a mother fucker.). The best way to tell if the combination has become a single word is to check a current dictionary. Another way is to type it as a single word and then let your spellcheck tell you whether this usage is correct. Finally, even when hyphens are appropriate, there has been a tendency in recent years to permit writers to omit them. {That is, well fucked pussies, without the hyphen, have become increasingly common, even among refined English teachers.} However, if the omission would cause confusion, use the hyphens. Recently someone called my husband a goddam motherfuckin' sonuvabitch cocksucker - with no hyphens at all. Years ago, he would have been called a god-damned mother-fucking son-of-a-bitch cock-sucker. Note that even nowadays it would be necessary to use at least one hyphen to call him a goddam motherfuckin' sonuvabitch half-assed cocksucker. Likewise, I need a hyphen to refer to him as a good-looking goddam motherfuckin' sonuvabitch cocksucker. Remember: the whole purpose of the hyphen is to prevent confusion by showing that words or parts of words belong together. VOCABULARY HELP: LITERALLY. The word "literally" does not mean "emphatically." Nor does it mean "figuratively"; in fact it means the opposite of figuratively. It means "according to the exact meaning of the word(s)." Therefore, don't use the word unless you want people to take as true exactly what you are saying. My sister is literally a whore. {This means she really does compensation for engaging in sexual activities.} She literally wore me out with her sexual antics. {This is plausible. This means the speaker was truly exhausted after the activity.} He literally fucked my brains out. {This is improbable, unless gray matter appeared externally during the fuckation.} She literally fucked him to death. {This is possible, but only if sexual activity led to the gentleman's demise.} Her breasts were literally the size of basketballs. {This can be empirically verified by checking with Spaulding.} She literally ate me out. {This might actually be a clever thing to say if she bedecked his cock with chocolate syrup or other comestibles prior to oral stimulation.} That guy is literally one big motherfucker. {This is true only if he actually does indulge with his mama. Otherwise, say "certainly." "Fuck you!" she said. "I hope you mean that literally," he replied. I know of one sportscaster who uses the word literally thousands of times a year, and almost always incorrectly. The word "literally" was used incorrectly in the preceding sentence. Unless he really uses the word incorrectly at least a couple of thousand times a year, I should have said "he seems to use the word incorrectly thousands of times a year" - or I could have simply settled for some other expression, such as "very often" or "almost as often as the pope shits in the woods." |