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"Air Force" by Kristen 'Kathy' Becker (sexual initiation)
9, 8, 8
"Air Force" by Kristen 'Kathy' Becker (Kristen78@aol.com). Kriste is enrolled at the Air Force Academy. She wants to be a combat fighter pilot. But the men don't like her, because they resent her as a woman and because she won't put out for them. Near the beginning of the story she is unpleasantly mauled by several male cadets. Confused about her sexuality, she decides to get rid of her virginity by having sex in a cheap motel with Johnny D, a rich asshole in her squad. Disappointed with the experience, she has a Patsy Cline epiphany: "Is that all there is?" But then David appears in his shining armor and fucks her properly. Fulfilled in her womanhood, Kriste goes on to become a successful fighter pilot. The story has the basis of a good plot, and the sexual action - at least in the second, romantic sequence - is hot. However, while the story is good, it's not outstanding. {Note: I do not want to pick on this author. She asked for specific advice. I hope that my advice can be helpful both to her and to other authors who are trying to improve.} The imperfection is difficult to pin down. Aside from some minor problems with grammar, I think the story has two problems: excessive introspection and timing. First, this story is a bit too introspective. We learn all about what's going on inside Kriste's mind. The author starts at the beginning and explains Kriste's thoughts right up to her fulfilling session with David. I don't mean to exaggerate the problem - after all, I DID give the story an 8 - but parts of it read a little too much like an anthropological study or a diary to be submitted for a psych class. It's good to know Kriste's thoughts, but the best stories often contain ACTIONS and brief conversations that reveal the mindsets of the protagonists. If you check out the stories that usually fill my Top 20 lists each month (or the stories to which I have given straight 10 ratings in this issue of CR}, you'll discover that most of them find a more creative way to tell the readers about a character's thoughts and feelings. The other problem is what I've called timing. It overlaps with the first problem, and it's hard to describe. Almost everyone knows some people who are better than others at telling jokes. They have timing. They can use almost the same words and ideas as someone who tells the joke less effectively, but they leave us with a better feeling. Timing has to do with deciding exactly what to tell, when to tell it, how much to tell, and how to relate the parts of the story. It's done differently by different people. Some of us seem to acquire timing naturally, but I don't think it's an innate characteristic: we can certainly develop our skills at timing. I think one of the best ways to develop storytelling ability is to notice it in others. When you read a good story by someone else, try to notice when that author does something interesting. Then do it yourself when you get a chance. Don't just copy: add your personal touch to what the other writer did. And don't just limit yourself to short stories on this newsgroup. If you like South Park, ask yourself what it is that makes that show so interesting to you. If you liked Titanic, ask yourself why. Other shows have had good special effects; why do so many people keep coming back to see Titanic? You won't do exactly what these other people do; but by noticing what they do, you can benefit from their influence. Ratings for "Air Force" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 |