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* "Stars in Our Eyes" by Mark Aster (romantic outdoor
voyeurism) 10, 10, 10
* "Stars in Our Eyes" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). As you may recall, last week Mark Aster's "Coffee?" was the 1000th story I reviewed. His prize was 31 days of sexual bliss with the partner(s) of his choice. This week he notified me that he will be "on hiatus," unable to post stories for several weeks. Coincidence? I think not! In this week's episode Our Hero and the lovely and delectable Julie are reclining together at a mountain campsite, looking at the stars and listening in the dark while Ariana and Rachel make love nearby. Ariana is describing her first sexual experience with a woman. Rachel is working her over even while she narrates this story, and as Ariana's story and Rachel's ministrations continue, the present events begin to impinge upon the narrative of the past. Meanwhile, Our Hero and Julie are exchanging quiet intimacies nearby. It's a restful, passionate sequence of events. Several weeks ago I suggested that a different author "go check out Mark Aster's stories" to learn how to make better word choices. That author's problem, I thought, was that he/she used too many stereotypical adjectives. My suggestion was that Mark Aster consistently refrained from using stereotypical adjectives and often employed well-chosen metaphors in his stories. Last week I reviewed a very good story by yet another author (M. M. Twassel); and when I checked his Author Profile on Deja News, I discovered that he had written a commentary on my advice regarding Mark Aster. This other author (who also admired Mark Aster's stories) had done a thorough analysis of Aster's stories, and had discovered that Mark did not use many adjectives at all. Nor did he find an abundance of metaphors. Being busy, I set this information aside until I read this week's story. As I read this story, I looked for adjectives and metaphors. I was distracted by the fact that the story was extremely erotic and that I myself have had some great experiences at campsites under the stars; but I think I verified my opinion of this author's style - even though I must also admit that my critic was correct. The word "cock" does not appear in this story, and so we don't get to find out whether it was hard, throbbing, or erstwhile. (I just wanted to see if that last word was in my spellcheck.) The story was also free of "pussy", "cunt", and "clit". At this point I was beginning to wonder if this was actually a sex story. Here are some things the author does say: "I touched Julie's neck, and my hand imagined the warm compact sweetness of her vulva." "Julie took my hand in hers and rubbed it over the downy skin of her stomach as we lay listening." "The warm womanness of her filled my palm, and she pressed against my hand." "Julie opened her mouth and wriggled her hips as I slid one finger into the moist heat of her vagina." One of the main points of my original comment was to discourage unnecessary, stereotypical use of adjectives like "hot," "throbbing" and "wet." The few sentences I have cited here demonstrate that. If he doesn't need an adjective, this author doesn't use one. In addition, he selects words (adjectives or otherwise) that precisely say what he wants them to say. As for metaphors, here's a simple one: "Rachel's head was between Ariana's legs, and her tongue made soft sounds as it moved in and out, and Rachel's fingers danced a dance of love." All I mean is that fingers don't really dance, but the image of dancing fingers conjures up an almost poetic image that gets the author's point across very nicely. To be honest, when I recommended this author's prose to the other author, what went through my mind was something like this: "Mark Aster's such a damned good writer. Surely he must use adjectives and metaphors correctly. I think I'll recommend him for this purpose." As I have examined this present story more carefully, I think I was on the right track. To state it more precisely, I think this author's main strength is his intelligent choice of words and straightforward description of situations and activities that beautifully convey the mood that he wants to share with us. Having tried to wiggle off that hook (note my metaphor), let me suggest another author for aspiring writers to imitate: Mary Anne Mohanraj. I find her to be very similar to Aster with regard to choice of words and almost poetic expression of ideas; but she's a lot more diverse in the types of stories she's likely to write. Ratings for "Stars in Our Eyes" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 |