|
Return To the Celestial Review (This does NOT open a new window) Return To the Index (This does NOT open a new window) Note, to make reading multi-part stories easier, story links (links with dejanews.com or www.qz.to, NOT the review or profile links) will open up a new browser window. When you are done reading the story, or section of the story simply CLOSE the story window. |
|
"The Bungling Burglar" by JennTill (paying the piper). DG: 5, 7, 7
"The Bungling Burglar" by JennTill (JennTill1@Hotmail.com). Guest review by DG. This story has a good premise; and the first half, although a little rough, is amusing and sexy. Unfortunately the second half of the story is a long, clicheed sex scene that reads like a very rough draft. I liked the basic idea: when Carrie is 13, she gets into the habit of sneaking around in the bedrooms of her friends' parents, looking for their sex-toys, dirty magazines, etc. Not only does she learn about the birds and the bees, but she gets a sexual thrill just from the danger. Then, when she is 15, she finally gets caught. The father of a little girl she baby-sits comes home unexpectedly and catches Carrie in the bedroom masturbating to his homemade porno tapes. He threatens to call the cops; but they manage to strike a deal, the nature of which will surprise none of you. This was a cute and promising setup, but I was disappointed in the payoff. The writing quality, not great to start with, declined rapidly, as if the story was finished in one rushed writing session and then posted. More than half the sentences in the last third of the story end in exclamation points. I also think the story would have been better if the characters had reacted more realistically to the situation. The man should have been aroused but with undertones of nervousness and guilt, while the girl should have been scared but curious. Instead, they both act like veteran porno stars. My advice to the author is to avoid excessive exclamation points! and ALL CAPS, and not to put "complicated" words in quotes like a Beavis and Butthead script. And also to make the reactions of the characters at least somewhat realistic. Ratings for "The Bungling Burglar" Athena (technical quality): 5 Venus (plot & character): 7 DG (appeal to reviewer): 7 |