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"Voodoo at the Fair" by JR Parz (voodoo sex) 5, 4, 4
"Voodoo at the Fair" by JR Parz. The first paragraph of this story goes like this: Dean left the office frustrated and confused. Never in his life before, has a girl been able to totally wrap herself around his emotions like Lisa has...First, Lisa says she can't become involved with him because of David, but in the very same breath she tells him this, she's crying when he tries to severe the ties. He vividly remembered her tears and her voice, when she said; 'I don't want to hurt David.' Dean wanted to say; 'What about me?', but he couldn't bare to see her cry, so, he hugged her and told her that he'd wait. "Yep, just call me the fool." he muttered to himself while leaving the office. The verb tenses are screwed up. For example, the "has" in the second line should be "had." Thereafter, we really don't know what is past and what is present. "Severe" should be "sever," and "bare" should be "bear." These errors may seem like little things, but they accumulate as the story continues. Even if you are not an English teacher, by the time you get finished with that first paragraph, you are likely to be aware that deciphering this story may be more trouble than it's worth. I continued with the story. Something about a guy boinking a girl who has subsequently said "No" to him whenever he wanted to do it again. Then I came to this sentence: "Lisa's dark brown hair framed her model-like face, which softly draped along her shoulders." Ya see – my problem is that the sentence clearly says that the damsel's face (not her hair) is draped around her shoulders. That's hard – er, difficult – to imagine. Anyway, Dean works part-time at a fair, and he consults the fair's fortune teller, who gives him a voodoo spell to win Lisa over. You can take it from there…. There are lots of other details – some of them quite interesting; but they are simply not integrated into a coherent plot. Speaking of fortune tellers – I've been asked by a member of a grand jury who leaked this to the press to tell you the following story. Hillary Clinton went to a fortune teller at a fair. The old woman looked upset, but Hillary told her she wanted to hear the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – as is required by English common law. The fortune teller solemnly replied, "Your husband will die a horrible death by the end of the year." Hillary paused, looked concerned, and then said, "Tell me. I have to know…. Will I be acquitted?" Ratings for "Voodoo at the Fair" Athena (technical quality): 5 Venus (plot & character): 4 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4 |