The Saturday after I sent Lisa the link to Erotic Notion #9: Germs, she met me for lunch. I asked if she read it (she had) and what her reaction was. She feigned boredom and said, "All right, I guess. "
"You didn't like it?"
"College students discovering passion is not exactly an original subject."
"That's the best age to write about," I said. "College is when you are young, energetic and open to new experiences."
Lisa scowled. "In college," she said, "you witness people in various degrees of seriousness using the same word: love. Some just want the thrills of ecstasy without the responsibility; some are deeply committed to love and rattled when partners don't feel the same way; some succumb to a night of romance and later feel the burden of a relationship they've lost all passion for. Some settle for less-than-love just to be rescued by the boredom of solitude. Some become transformed by relationships into dysfunctional versions of themselves. Some are merely confused, unsure of what they are doing, feeling or even what they want; Some enjoy love only for the pride of conquest or adventure; some enjoy it for the companionship or the sense of fulfilling another's needs. College is a time to love and hurt and play."
"You make college sound so dangerous. Maybe it is. But it's the only time when you have total freedom to pursue your passions. Better in college than later."
"You remember the freedom but forget the frustration and pain. That's why people romanticize their youth."
"I'll be honest," I said. "I look back at college and wish I wasn't so bashful about confessing romantic feelings. I wish I had overcome my fear of rejection and just spoken from the heart – "
"In order to get laid."
I laughed. "Well that certainly was a part of it. And that was partially the reason I wrote Germs – to imagine what it was like to pursue a passion instead of letting it wither away."
"Trust me, you're better off erring on the side of caution. College students are thoughtlessly cruel about passions. They talk about love and sex without a sense of empathy or how deep passions can run."
"Maybe," I said, "but to tell the truth, I now wish I had subjected myself to a little thoughtless cruelty. Instead, college was a record of what should have transpired and didn't. I sometimes look back and wonder about my semi-crushes, the girls who were sorta cute, but not enough to awaken deep passion. My reasons for dismissing some girls at the time (looks, clashing interests, superficial defects), now seems inconsequential. In retrospect, my preferences seemed so limited. Many of these people would have been pleasant to become involved with, not as longtime lovers, but intimate, sensual friends."
"That's a typical male view. When I look back at college, I usually end up composing a list of men I wish I had avoided."
"By now our preferences are different. We become more tolerant about certain kinds of people, less tolerant about others. At college I was quick to label, quick to judge. You cannot feel desire for a person you have already judged inadequate. I would love to revisit college today and spend more time with certain kinds of women, less time with others."
"You are naive," Lisa said. "Do you really think an extra tryst or two at at college would have made you happier or wiser?"
"In a word, yes."
"Your mistake is believing experience to be the best teacher. College students hunger for new experiences; that's natural. But they also read textbooks on ethics, psychology and justice. Shouldn't these things count for something? The first time love happens, one is tempted to disregard books and lectures. Love seems strange, unique and mysterious. But experience has only one lesson to teach: disillusionment."
"Some things have to be experienced firsthand. Love, for instance. "
"No, they don't! You don't need to put your hand in a pot of boiling water to know it's going to hurt. Sociology, psychology, religion and philosophy prevent you from having to stick your hand inside the pot. The same can't be said about literature and the arts, however."
"Are you serious? Literature classes offer more guidance into living than all the other subjects combined."
"Academics say that. And yes, there is value in understanding technique and historical contexts. But artistic works teach little about living; if anything, they instill desire for additional, more authentic experiences."
"This is starting to sound like a literary theory class," I replied. "If I recall, the Greeks thought drama would have a positive cathartic effect on spectators. There, you see; I do remember a thing or two from college."
"That's like saying – "
"Wait," I said, "let me finish. Stories function as a kind of experience, a finer kind. As long as you keep in mind the artificiality of the storytelling process, a novel or film can teach you a lot."
"So what is the point of Germs? Should college students confess their secret crushes? Did it make the protagonist any happier?"
Written, October, 2005
