September 15, 2010


                               Changes Have Consequences


We've been living together as, well that's sort of a difficult to say for sure, but it seems to work. Regardless it's been almost a year now. 

After we moved in together she sort of formalized what we had talked about for so many months when we were just seeing each other. 

Essentially she has taken over the male role in the relationship and me the female. Oh, we're still the same as we always were when in public, but at home or with a few close friends things are different. 
Some of the time I'm OK with this, but the rest of the time it is really difficult to deal with it. Lots of things work well, after all I am the much better cook, plus if the place is going to stay clean it's mostly up to me. 
Life requires we work together, plus occasionally we both deal with health issues.

There's lots that could be said, but just imagine a pretty normal house most of the time. 

Guess the biggest thing a stranger would notice if they peeked into our place would be that, some, well maybe most of the time it is me wearing a dress or skirt and not her. As the woman, sort of, of the house I'm expected to dress the part.

I don't really mind this much of the time and I am sure most people if they knew our story would say I got myself into this so there is no sense being upset now. 

One of the things that bothers me and this has been building for months to be honest, is that being the woman extends to the physical and sexual side also.

Now don't get me wrong if it was so terrible I would have not gotten myself into this or once in have left or stopped it. Her...........WELL from now on let me just be TOTALLY honest and refer to my 'significant other' in the manner I actually see them...Yes, physically to OTHERS she is female. Has all the correct female parts. But, in our world there is a female body, but it is HE.....

He, is missing some of the key male parts, but what the ....., these can and have been bought,  mostly over the internet. 
As I've been told over and over, HE doesn't have any problems getting hard.

Plus he can actually increase or decrease the length, width or even add some interesting details whenever he wants. 
I would guess the one thing he hasn't figured out to have available is cum, although I've been teased?, promised?, or maybe threatened? With an ad on the local Craig's List page for a 'few' regular donors. Not sure if he has in mind live donors or maybe just collecting and dropping it off. Yuck, at just the thought, but I guess it would make the love making and oral sex more realistic. 
Ronni, that's me, has also been told she needs to learn not just to be able to service men, but to if not enjoy it be able to do a good job pretending I do.
This is one area I think he would deep down prefer I not really enjoy, because I might look for more, but mostly HE likes the idea and to watch knowing I am uncomfortable, even humiliated having to do this.

I've been writing a long time so I guess I should get to the actual problem no matter how difficult it is to talk about.

If you have been reading and thinking about what I have been saying so far, you'll understand that being the 'woman' of the house and also in our relationship means that the male personality still hiding inside sometimes has problems, actually all the time. There are times when they irritate more than others.

The male side of me is on display every day as we aren't wealthy so working isn't an option, it's required. 
Full scale sex change is likewise out of the question. Emotionally I am not even close to being able to accept that, so he leaves it alone. But there is job, where suddenly showing up as a woman might not legally cost me the job, but it would make it virtually impossible to stay there and at my age both a job and sex change would probably mean permanent unemployment. 
Lastly a change like that for me, could possibly mean both of us would lose or certainly create a chasm in our families. Even putting that at risk just makes no sense.

Everyday I get up and dress male, although he has insisted the clothes as toned down and could be interpreted as more nonsexual than masculine. But, I have to be the person I have always been. 
This is frequently stressful when I come home and have to completely change not just clothing, but self identity. 
It's the same thing when we go out in public, but in both cases there is clothing out of sight which is feminine to help the transition.

That male personality might be mostly in the closet, but he has to let out some to survive the everyday world.

Yes, I can hear anyone who is still reading telling me to buck it up and just go out and pass. Well, my answer is that while we live in a fairly large city, there have been many times one of us has run into co-workers especially. 
While he would love it if I could actually 'pass' in public the reality is that isn't really possible.  From behind many people who have seen photos of me on the internet have said I am completely believable as a woman, for the front. 
As I like to say I have never been an attractive man, as a woman........lets just stop here.

Someplace during my teenage years I discovered I liked women. Looking, at their over all appearance. Depending on their age and over all build, plus the angle I have I'll concentrate on breasts, or legs or asses or face or feet, well pretty much what ever part looks the best. I've walked into a restaurant that is mostly full and by the time I am sitting could tell you where every attractive, my definition, woman in place is sitting and why she is nice to look at. Age isn't really a factor in this anymore. With getting older I've learned that a woman can be nice at any age, it's just the parts that look nice might change. 
Now don't get the impression that all women are good looking, NO, but my definition is probably wider than most guys. 

This, (I'd like to say incident, but am thinking it is more than that) started innocently enough when we were out for dinner one Friday evening. 

Work during the week was pretty much normal for both of us and this is always fun when we can get out for dinner on a Friday. End of the work week. 
Neither of us was interested in getting dressed up and we like the smaller privately owned places that make great food. Maybe our dream job would be traveling the country doing preliminary research for that show on TV about the small diners all over the country.

He had on some jeans and a shirt, I was dressed in my work clothes which is normally casual dress slacks and a polo style shirt. 
Underneath which is also normal for us I was wearing some female panties and a bra because with the weather being cool there was also an undershirt. The undershirt was really a woman's t-shirt, light blue to be exact. The bra wasn't very noticeable unless someone really stared, but we really didn't care about that.
Our attitude, both of us, is we won't push or flaunt our kinkiness or lifestyle  as strangers were not given the choice to participate or not and therefore it is rude to do things openly around them they might find offensive. But, if someone wants to stare at my shirt to find out what I am wearing then that was their choice. Plus, who knows one day.
My body hair is kept shaved and were doing a couple of things in the hope there is less growing back each time. He also picks out the color of nail polish I wear. Toes are always painted, but finger nails only occasionally.

Visualize it now a totally normal looking a 'little' past middle age out for a Friday evening.

What really started it was the 2 couples that sat right across from me so I was looking at them the whole time we sat there. To be totally honest he knew I was watching them and enjoyed watching me.

Both of the women were in their 30's and good looking, make that very good looking. 
I'm not sure, but I think the one opposite me at the table was aware of my admiring them because I am sure she smiled at me and then moved her legs for me to get a better look. 

I don't know what exactly my subconscious was imaging doing with her, but they were both fun to look at.

Following dinner we decided to stop at a smallish neighborhood type bar for a drink. 
Just my luck, good luck definitely not bad luck a group of 20 and 30 something women were out for a girls night out. To my eyes they ALL looked well above average. 

When we got home I put on something feminine and sexy like I do most evenings, but this time a bit more so. It just felt the right thing and look to have.

Sure enough it created the response I was looking for.
He was aroused and wanting me. 

Now to be totally honest most of the time I enjoy, look forward and do everything I can to encourage this, but not tonight.

The small piece or the male side left in me that has to be out for work was in the mood for a piece of pussy.

So I was upfront and told him, not tonight the old Ron is out and wants a fuck or at the least a BJ.

Wondered what the reaction was going to be because there was a chance I could be told to go get the ankle and wrist cuffs and wait by the ceiling hooks or the spanking table, but nope not this time.

I got instead a ornery or maybe it was a horny look and he asked, "If you think your UP to it?"

My desire was still high, but my confidence dropped through the floor. 

I knew exactly what he meant. 

Once the decision to make a commitment to each other was made he asked, encouraged and pushed me into taking some meds that block the testosterone. I can't take heavy estrogen because of a tendency to have blood clots, so with the blockers and low level over the counter estrogen pills and eating food s with estrogen HE has been hoping to develop a more feminine body. 
Certainly I am much more emotional the last few months, needy for attention and submissive.  


When we first started this D/s; BDSM; male/female role reversed life we are currently living he tried locking my male parts up in a device. 
The problem was it might work for a few days, but it always created an irritation sometimes immediately other times hours or a few days later. The irritation always created a sore and as a result wearing it was impossible. 
To spend hundreds of dollars to find a device that would work was just not possible.



But tonight I wanted to have sex the way I used to before getting all confused over who and what I am.

His little comment took a major portion of my confidence. 

The side effect, actually that isn't true, the PLANNED effect of the testosterone blocks is that my male libido doesn't come out as often and the penis and balls have gotten smaller. Erections have been less often meaning almost never and when it does react the most that happens is a kind of semi-hard enlargement. Hard just doesn't seem to happen anymore.

He changed his focus to my penis, which I was hoping would turn into a rock hard cock, at least for awhile, because  damn I needed to cum badly. It had been months and before long would be a full year so when this hit it was powerful.

His hand started playing with it ever so softly. (OK,now looking back one of my problems was probably that I kept thinking HE, rather than she). 
It felt awesome and I could feel it coming to life. 
I couldn't tell how hard it was yet, but it was getting there I could feel it. No doubt about it I was getting laid tonight.

Then he started talking, 
"How's my little baby girl doing tonight?"

After that it was, "I can really tell my girl I ready for something tonight, she just doesn't know what it is she wants."
Well I knew that part was total bullshit, I definitely knew.

The hands kept moving and there was more talking. 
Then he turned towards me on the couch and kissed me. Only thing was he kissed me, full on mouth tongue as far as it would reach. Then pushing harder to get even more in. He pulled back and said, "I can tell my girl likes this." and pushed his tongue in again, only now he was sliding it in and out like he was fucking me. 

His hand was still on my penis and I was still counting on something. 

"Oh, poor baby, her itsy bitsy little thingy just doesn't want it bad enough. It isn't even firm let alone hard. It would would just slide around a pussy. You have to have more man in you than this just to get in."

By now I was getting desperate and was NOT going to give up, so I told him, "Then how about a blow job? I've got to cum. PLEASE?"

Unfortunately he kissed and tongue fucked me again, then pulled back and looked.
"Why little girl your so cute, but you know I love giving blow jobs, but I need something to hold on to. Just look at that little thing."

At that point I looked ay myself and the damn little thing was just that little. Totally soft, despite the kissing and fondling."

Thing is I still needed to cum and this was just making it worse.

He looked at me in the face and smiled, then moved his head a little lower and I said to myself finally a blow job. 

He stopped his head at my chest and started sucking on my breast right through my clothing meanwhile his hand was sliding up my front and stopped at my other breast and started pinching. 
"I love your little titties and they are growing, don't worry about not having enough. YET"

HEY!, the last thing I was concerned about was my breast size. It was my cock? Size that was concerning me.

"You know ronni, you've gotten me worked up again tonight ."

This was NOT what I had in mind. 
"Go get my strap with the big cock I need to feel it hitting bottom tonight."

It probably wasn't the best thing to do, but hey it was supposed to be about me cumming not his doing it. So I said, "Please no, let me cum. I need it." 
OK, there was probably a little bit of a whine in there, but hey.

"Ronni, go get my strap or you'll get one helluva punishment session first and THEN you'll get fucked while tied down till I get a cramp......................OH, and also bring me the ankle and wrist restraints."

I knew I was in trouble then, so I went to get them.

When I got back, which only took about 3 minutes as all those things are sitting out in both our playroom and bedroom. We've acquired multiple pieces of all the toys he enjoys the most so that there available no matter where we are in the house. Most are just put out of sight in case someone who doesn't know aboutus comes to visit.

I deliberately took my time and it worked he settled down some. 

We sat together on the couch and he again put his arm around me and started fondling my tits, which is one of his favorite things to do. It's OK by me as I enjoy it.

"You have to accept it, your a girl now, my girl. I know you dress like a man for work or like tonight when we go out, but that's just a costume you wear. It isn't you any more and the longer we're together the more convinced you were just play acting as a man all your life. " His voice was soft and loving while this was said. Just because the words were said with love in his voice didn't make them nicer to listen to.

"You're little man wanted to come out tonight and I was accepting of that wasn't I?"

I agreed he didn't object to it when I asked nor did he laugh or tell me no or anything. Course just because none of that happened, it was totally possible that it would have turned out better if some encouragement had been given.

"I know it is hard for you to accept, but your just not man enough to have intercourse any more. To be honest when we used to do it there were lots of times, could we say at least half, when it didn't turn out the way you had hoped. 
"As to the blow job you were imagining, well yes I do love to blow a MAN, with a hard cock. 
"But baby, you just never measured up to wither of those things."

I'm not sure, but right about then it is possible I started crying a little.

He kissed me now soft and loving, no urgency just intimate, yes with tongue in my mouth like a man would.

While his mouth kissed me his hand was now working on my left tit, but this was twisting and pinching. Yes, it hurt, but this was definitely a good hurt.

After a few minutes he broke away and stood up. His pants started to come off and the strap was being put on. 
@@%&*$%@#, all this went through my mind. This wasn't where we were supposed to be headed.

"I'd like it (which really means do it now), if you would put the wrist and ankle restraints on. WE might need them." There was no gruffness to his voice it was just a statement made in a way I knew I should take seriously.

When I hesitated, he looked at me and said, "I assume your clean, after all it IS Friday night."

Wellllllllllll, to be perfectly honest, no I wasn't.
YES, it is preferred, wellllll again to be honest it isn't preferred it is actually sort of expected.......Ahhhhh..... guess sort of required would be a better way of putting it. 
Because I'm still mostly male, intercourse is best when I maintain anal cleaning any time we're together. He doesn't usually, but likes to know I'm ready any time he is in the mood. Living in a D/s relationship has certain rights and privileges for the D. 
I didn't actually answer the question, but it must have been obvious.

"Hmm, it seems we, no make that YOU, have a problem. I'm glad I thought of the restraints..............
"Go over the the table we usually use," with that he pointed. 
This is really just a end table in the living room, but it was chosen and put in that room because when I am bent over the height is perfect for the strap-on. There is no bending or reaching for him and it is long enough for me to lay completely on top and have both arms and legs attached to the 4 legs. He can put my legs where I can put them on the floor for balance or take away all control by binding   arms and legs to the table legs with no contact to the floor. 

There is a feeling of helplessness and total vulnerability when bound  to the four legs without my feet on the floor. But then, it is total helplessness. Anything COULD happen, my ass is fully exposed and so is my penis, along with my back, head and mouth. 
In the right mood as part of our S/M play this is a huge power kick for him, at the same time it is an equal part submissiveness for me. 
He knows there is no part of sexual or pain play withheld and he frequently takes full advantage of it. 
I trust his ability to judge when it is time to stop so while a safe word is available I have never had need of it. 
Tolerance is always pushed, especially pain levels, but if it wasn't I wouldn't fear his binding me wherever he may choose and escape or 'resistance is  feudal'.

While this level of trust is how our relationship is built it doesn't take away from the fear when told to prepare. I am also sure my fear is one aspect of his power surge and an aphrodisiac for what will come.

"I believe we, no make that YOU have a problem. If you really are as full as believe yourself then you will most likely NOT enjoy it as you most times do." This was said in a non-emotional voice, if anything there not anger, but rather disappointment.

Yes, I am glad I decided to have you put on the restraints, because they are gong to be needed, no doubt about that. " 
Then with a smile, which I can't really describe, but there was no doubt as I looked at him he was enjoying this more than he should be, in my opinion.

"I really didn't expect to have this reaction when you started this, mostly I just thought it was amusing watching you as you keep trying to get back the what manhood you used to have. 
"To my your masculinity is about 98% gone, there is just enough left to pass as a man at work and to like the looks of attractive women. But, listen sweety in a few months you'll be watching the men not the women and imagining their cocks."

I am still not sure what it was I did to turn him so damn much, but he was and it took so incredibly long before he was satisfied. 
The cock he used is about 8" long, not quite 9 because he had me measure it one time. The diameter is just under 2 ½". Totally straight with just a few small bumps. 
At this point most of his cocks don't really hurt going in any more. One day he told me I was getting too wide and he was going to stop fucking me for a few months so he could start all over again with opening me up that way it would tighter and lots more fun because of the pain. But, I can't see him going more than a few days, less than a week. Right now if we aren't having intercourse at least every 3 days and sometimes several times on the weekend he acts like he's stir crazy. 

It felt like an hour, but I think it was probably about 20 to 30 minutes. 

To some real life women that might not seem like much, but you try being totally tied down and have someone ram it for that long straight. I couldn't even shift my weight and if he wanted it hard and banging bottom, then it did. 
Every couple minutes an orgasm would build and then hit, then it was an express train running through town. When it was over there would be a slowing down.
Every time it slowed down I hoped it was his being satisfied.
A biological man is good for once, maybe a second time and with luck a third, but there is a rest time in between. 
The facts are he is still biologically a woman so when he is in this mood, the first 3 -4 orgasms are just getting warmed up. Sort of like a release valve, the pressure hasn't gone any where, because now he has the emotional control to make it last.

I knew not to complain or ask him to stop too soon or I would be ignored. Using a S/M safe word for fucking would start a bad precedent, plus I had to consider that too much whining had already backfired big time and could easily make it worse, just to teach me some lesson he figured I was supposed to learn.

What finally forced me to start asking, then begging and whining was all the stuff he kept pounding further and further in. My body started to take on a will of it's own and I knew one was or another it was coming out.
When he finally pulled out, it took about 5 seconds and I totally lost control. 
Remember before you condemn me that I was still bound across that table and I couldn't even close my legs let alone the sphincter muscle.

This was embarrassing and humiliating beyond play activities, but it was unstoppable.
Thankfully he had thrown some plastic on the floor and had pulled it directly under me when he came out.  

He was done and once I was untied I was told to completely clean his equipment and make sure the room was clean. He wanted me to take a quick shower so I was not just clean, but nice smelling as he described it, which meant flowery soap and perfume. A real enema was also required.
Then come sit with him on the couch to watch some TV, BUT be sure and put on one of my extra sexy nighties. 

I didn't have any idea what to expect. It would be totally possible for him to decide to make love to me, now that the lust had been satisfied.
It didn't happen my guess is the lust and need had been expended. 

For me it was one of my worst evenings as the 'woman of the house'.

I loved the attention, but was terribly aware of the thing he had told me I have lost. I didn't feel anything while it was leaving. But, he is probably right. I can't let go of at least putting up a better struggle. 
Surely this is just a game that has gotten away from me.

I needed and was getting love and comforting, but it was a man comforting his girl. It felt good, but..............

That night as I lay in bed, my body was still hurting from the pounding it had been given. I knew that tomorrow when I cleaning myself, getting ready for the day it would hurt and if he became horny again I would again submit, maybe even respond.
Yet, here I am it has been another day, but it feels like much much longer since I last came....like a man comes. (The female side seems to be getting all she can handle.) 


