        "Third Grade Guest Speaker"
        by Pedro Vila



   "Okay, class. We have a guest speaker today from the PMA. That's the Pediatrics Medical Association. He's here to talk to you about safety. I want you all to pay close attention to what he says, that means you too, Gerrold!

   "This is very important! He's going to talk to you all about what to do if a stranger tries to grab you. Do everything he tells you. It could save your life!"

   A short, balding man with glasses and a white lab coat steps up and introduces himself. "Thank you Miss, Nelson. Hello children."

   A chorus of hello's.

   "My name is Dr. Wiener." Some chuckles. Miss Nelson gives them a stern look and they sit up strait.

   "Thank you Miss nelson, but I'll be fine. I do this quite allot.

   "Now children, what I want to talk with you today about is very serious and very grown up. So I need you all to be very strong today.

   "We are going to talk about adults and bad touching. I'm sure some of you have already been told what to do if a stranger approaches you to do something your not supposed to, right? Lets see a show of hands.

   "Okay, that's some of you. I want you to pay attention anyway because I'm going to go into more detail. First of all, we are going to talk about what is inappropriate touching. Does anybody know what I mean by inappropriate touching?

   "Yes? The Pretty blonde in the blue sun dress? What is your name first? Stephany? Okay, what can you tell me.

   "That is correct. Inappropriate touching is when someone tries to touch you where you go to the bathroom. And what should you do if someone does try to touch you there?

   "That's right. You should tell an adult! Oh, excuse me a second.

   "Miss Nelson? Could you run out to my car and grab a bundle of handouts for the class? It's a green Lexus and they should be in a box. Yes, Thank you.

   "Now, where was I? Oh, yes. We were talking about what is good and bad touching. Now sometimes bad touching isn't where you go to the bathroom, but it can also be just touching in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.

   "This could even happen with someone you know really well, like a family member or a neighbor. But if you feel wrong about it, say, 'No! Don't touch me!' and try to run away.

   "Has anyone been touched by a friend or family member? Nobody? It's okay to tell me. They may have told you that they would go away if you told on them, and they would be correct. Because they could go to jail if somebody like Miss Nelson found out about it.

   "But I need your total trust so I'll make you all a deal. If you tell me, I promise I won't tell anyone else. I'll keep it a secret, okay? You have my word on that.

   "Now, has anybody been touched by someone? Just raise your hands.

   "Oh, my goodness. That's an awful lot of you. Now, how many feel hurt by it? That's not as many as before, but that's okay. There are worse things we need to talk about first. Sometimes a stranger will try to grab you. When that happens, what should you do?

   "Why yes, Stephany, that is correct. You should all scream. Make sure you make enough noise so that somebody will hear you and stop you from being taken. That can be a very scary thing. You should do everything you can to stop it from happening. You can even bite if you have to.

   "Oh, thank you Miss Nelson.

   "Now let me hear you all scream as loud as you can."

   The class screams loudly.

   "Oh, yes. That will do nicely. Er, pardon me a moment class. I'm terribly sorry Miss Nelson, but these are the wrong handouts. I don't think the children would be ready for this. They are for the high school on my next stop.

   "How many boxes? Dear me. I do have a busy day, I guess. Can I talk you into opening and searching through them until you find the ones marked 'Third grade safety tips'? I know it's a lot to ask.... Oh, your a dear. Thank you.

   "And there are some boxes in the trunk too!

   "Okay, now where were we? Ah, yes. What to do if a stranger tries to grab you.

   "Did you all scream? Yes, of course. My ears are still ringing." A chuckle from the class. "Now, this next part is very important. And I'd like someone to come up and help me demonstrate. Why Stephany, you are a very brave girl. Thank you. Just stand here and I'll tell you what to do.

   "Okay, class. First think to remember is that you should always keep your distance from strangers who try to approach you. Now Stephany, I will try to walk up and touch you, don't let me to close, okay? Good.

   "Hello, little girl. I'm looking for my dog. Will you help me?

   "Very good. Sometimes the stranger is harmless, but you can't always tell so stay back anyway. I'd like you to help me with this next part now, if you can. You'd love to? Your so helpful, but I will need to demonstrate by touching you sometimes. Are you sure? Okay, I'm going to give you an extra treat for being such a brave girl.

   "Now, class. This next part is very scary and I don't want you to be afraid. Remember that I am a professional and It'll be okay with me here.

   "You may end up being grabbed by someone and taken away to someplace where nobody can find you. If this happens, screaming won't help. In fact it may anger the kidnapper and you would end up getting hurt. What you have to do then is be like a rag doll.

   "The kidnapper will probably want to touch you where you go to the bathroom and it will hurt less if you don't tense up. That means you have to play dead. Let me show you.

   "Now Stephany, I'm going to touch you in some places and you have to play dead. Don't move, just pretend you are asleep, okay? Good. Ready?

   "Now, you will notice that Stephany is not moving at all when I touch her under her skirt. Very good, Stephany. This could save your life. Are you okay? You sure? I'm going to keep my hand there because I need to demonstrate one more thing and I need you to get used to me for a minute. Okay? You are such a brave girl! And you are going to be a beautiful woman when you grow up too. Your already taller then most of the class.

   "Now here comes the scary part, class. I'm going to show you what might happen and how to get through it. Now, I'm going to show you my penis and I want everybody to be serious, understand? Now, this is my penis. You boys have one too and I'm sure you recognize it. Girls, don't be embarrassed. This is for your safety.

   "Now if you are kidnapped, the kidnapper will most likely be a man and he will want to use his penis to touch you with. You won't be able to stop him, so you'll have to play dead. Is everybody with me so far? Okay.

   "Now, I'm going to use this tube of KY jelly because I don't want to hurt Stephany here. Oh, darn. Stephany? Could you please rub this jelly on my penis for me? It's okay, you can touch it. Yes, it does feel strange doesn't it? No. Don't be scared, it's supposed to do that.

   "Wrap your hand around it and stroke it up and down. Oh, yes. That's very good. You have a natural talent.

   "Okay, class. Pay close attention now. Stephany, I need you to turn your back to me now and I'm going to touch you where you go to the bathroom with my penis. Are you okay? Do you still want to do this? Good. You are the bravest volunteer I've had yet.

   "Is everybody watching? When a penis goes near your private parts, you have to stay as limp as you can. Play dead! I'm not kidding. It's the only way to get through it. Now, Stephany, play dead for me. It might be easier if you lay over Miss Nelson's desk. Good. Relax and play dead for me.

   A gasp from the class. "You'll notice class that the penis has now gone in Miss Stephany's private parts.

   "It hurts Because your not relaxed enough. Your okay, Stephany. Relax. That's better. See? If you play dead, it's better. Not so far in? Okay, I'll try.

   "I know, just bite your lip. It will be over soon. Now, class. If you are being touched in this way, you'll need to get it over with as quickly as you can. A way to do this is to help the kidnapper with the movements. Let me show you.

   "Stephany, please wiggle your hips. Ahhh, yes! You are so slim, I can't believe I can even fit inside of you. Now when I'm going in, push back into me and when I'm pulling out, squeeze yourself. Ahhh... Oh... Oh, yes. That's very... very good! Oh, oh, oh god! Yes!"

   Miss Nelson comes back into the class and drops her handouts. "Oh, my god! Dr. Wiener! What are you doing to that poor child?! I'm calling the police!" Miss Nelson runs out the door.

   "Oh, god! Yes!! Ha! Ha! Aahhh! Sigh.

   "Thank you Stephany. Here's a lollypop for you.

   "Thank you class. Remember what I taught you. I have to run now."

   Dr. Wiener jumps out the window and is chased by the janitor.

   "I don't think he was a real doctor." Miss Nelson said.