Divorce

Have you ever been to a party that got a little out of hand? You might know the kind of party from one end or the other. You might have been the caller of police or you might have been the recipient of the visit. That kind of party. College parties are like that. My second wife hated college parties, sometimes I wondered why we lived in an apartment complex where we were the only non-students.

At the beginning of each semester she would go from door to door and say, "This is the only warning you're going to get. The city has a noise ordinance. Noise curfew is 10pm. It's written in the lease that you signed. Two visits from the police and you forfeit your deposit. If I'm awake at 11:05 because you've violated that curfew, the police will be at your door by 11:30. Thanks for paying attention."

I followed along behind her and said, "She means it, I can guarantee she'll call. She'll called even if I'm invited."

You would think that Frat parties would be really loud...they are, but most frat houses are soundproof. That's so the screams of the rape victims can't be heard.

University Faculty parties are like that but without the rapes,, but most of them are on private property with pretty big yards and usually the neighbors are at the party, too. When the neighbors are at the party it has to get REALLY out of hand for the police to show up. I've been to a couple of faculty blowouts that featured nude coed dancers dancing on the porch and elsewhere. The cops came to that one, and stayed. The mayor and the district judge were there too.

Then again, it could be my kind of party. My kind of party is never in town, it's always in the country. When my wife said, "It's time for a party, get plenty of soft drinks, like beer and wine. Jesse will supply the hard stuff, His still is going good and he aged some for me...three weeks I think." Call the police before it starts and ask them to show up about 2 hours after the start time ... and bring an ambulance because you know from previous experience that someone is going to get shot or stabbed. You know...a family get together.

Then there's the wedding reception.

Ah, the wedding reception...that's where all the "unusual new relatives" come creeping out of the walls...the people the prospective bride "forgot" to introduce to the unsuspecting groom.

"Who's the kid with the sawed-off 10 gauge double barrel under his duster?"

"That's my youngest brother, Jimmy. He does Witness Relocation for a bunch of Italians," said she. "He's very good at it."

"Nice duster, You don't see many dusters with a tuxedo bow tie," said he.

"Yes. Wasn't he thoughtful. White tie."

"How about the guy with the 16mm movie camera? Is he filming the reception?"

"No, that's your new brother in law, Gene. He's trolling for starlets. He finds most of his new girls in the Girl Scouts...he's very rich! Want to meet him?"

"Hi, can't stop. Get a load of the tits on that 13 year old. She'd look great performing under Kim"

"Who is Kim?"

"Kim is Gene's son. Oh....there he is. The one with the really big package"

"That girl with him can't be 18."

She looked, "Oh, that's Gene's daughter, Sandy. She's 12. Isn't she beautiful, and such a natural actress."

'Gulp'

"Did you ever....you know, with Gene?"

"Oh no," she pouted. "I was already too old when he married my oldest sister. It's too bad, his movies made a lot of money. Plus, he's family. He'd never rip me off, Jimmy would make sure of that."

My reception started with a big argument over who was the best man. It was quick, bloody and my Father in law won. He was too drunk to come to the wedding but he always shows up for free beer. Fortunately, I was the groom and didn't get into the fight.

What's the number two cause of divorce? The reception! Everyone knows the number one cause...the wedding!