LYSDEXIA

I have a math allergy. Put a math test in front of me and I break out in hives. Just thinking about algebra can raise my blood pressure 20 points. I was quite old, in my 40's, when I found out about number dyslexia. Sure enough, that's me. My brain may shut down with numbers, but my body gets this horrible odor: I used to associate it with fear but I soon realized it's numbers.

I do pretty well with composition and I can spell, my punctuation is ok but numbers do me every time. I heard from some older fella that doing the "times table" in your head will help with premature ejaculation: it does, I lost my hard in a confrontation with 7 times 4 and never did make it to the 5's. However, I have no problem doing the alphabet with my tongue or even spelling some fairly difficult words while eating at the Y. After a few runs through the alphabet I decided to cast a spell with words. Boston was a snap, cat was pretty simple, disgrace was a little more difficult. After awhile I noticed she was saying the words as I was spelling them. She was spot on. Damn!

My intention was to turn her on, not have a spelling bee. The crowning touch was when she said, "you misspelled antiquarian."

I spelled out 'did not'

and she said, "did too!"

'Not'

"Yes, you did."

'nope'

The resulting argument meant we had to get dressed, go to the library, check the dictionary, and I had to apologize.

"The least you can do is spell correctly," she commented.

"Kiss my shiny white ass," I replied.

"If that's the way you're going to be with a little correction, you can find yourself another girl!"

Math and numbers might make me sweat, but spelling fucked me over!