Restraint

By Orestes

orestes007@hotmail.com
ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/Orestes

***
 This work is copyright (c) 2001 by Orestes. You may  
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***

antipsychotic neuroleptic antidepressant antiparkinsonian 
haldol

I got to get my head together there's not much time - 
thankyou thankyou thankyou for taking me away from him. 
Jesus I can't even think strait I'm so excited. Look at how 
my hand is shaking god I hope you can read this.

STAFFORD has given me some paper and a pen. Finally!!! The 
other nurses couldn't understand my talking and if you 
hadn't have said that "no drugs" I'm sure they would've put 
me under chemical restraint and everything would be lost 
again. They tied me to my bed instead - it's funny how a 
little strap can hold me down so easily just a little strap 
and buckle and they can ignore me again. And I was feeling 
so out of control that I'm sure I wasn't making any sense 
but it's always like that when the neuroleptic drug begins 
to lift off of my brain and I can start thinking again it's 
like everything I've been feeling and thinking has been 
bottled up and I can't decide what to let loose first.

Jesus what a mess. And I used to be a teacher too but now I 
can't even make myself look at what I'm writing to see if 
any of it makes sence. I can't even stop myself I'm going 
too fast.

I don't deserve this even though it was me who fell in love 
with a student -- but not the way anybody would think. I 
don't blame Kelly at all I still love her even though its 
caused so much trouble in my life. I fell in love with a 
little girl and she fell in love with me and that was why I 
even let my guard down and thought that maybe I could love 
Eric too. She didn't have a mother and she wanted so badly 
to be a little girl. I'm telling you all of this to try to 
make you understand after all of the horrible things he said 
about me - even though he's the one who should be locked 
away.

I'm getting the shakes again and theyre really bad this 
time. This happens more and more often and I think that Eric 
gives me too many pills and when it starts to wear off I get 
these painful tremors and then he gives me another drug - 
antiparkinsonian he says - and the shakes go away. But I 
won't get those drugs here because you said "no drugs" and 
I'm happy about it even if it is making me look bad to the 
staff here. STAFFORD is watching me try to write like he has 
all night and I'm sure he just thinks I'm as bad off as 
anyone else in this place but he's humouring me by letting 
me try to write. I don't know if it's his first name or last 
name I just see it on his name tag and I hope he doesn't get 
caught for letting my hands out of restraints and gets in 
trouble. 

FUCK sorry I'm off topic I've got to write down the details 
so that you'll know how he did this to me and that I don't 
need him to take over my power of attorney and take care of 
me for the rest of my life on my disability insurance. 

It was foolish foolish foolish to let him meet my friends 
and family and to give them all the idea that he was a 
serious relationship even though I knew I didn't want to be 
with him. I only went to see him because I wanted to talk to 
him about the way that Kelly was relating to the other girls 
at school. Phil Bentsen knows about this because I talked to 
him and he was the school counsellor who told me that she 
was AT RISK because of her broken home and hadn't paid 
attention in her previous years class either and seemed to 
only make friends with younger girls. And you can ask him if 
you want. I was really worried about her. She didn't like 
music or boys or anything that the other girls were 
interested in. Kelly always wanted to play with girls in the 
lower grades, and dressed a lot younger in a CUTE sort of 
way that made her not fit in. And I knew that it must be 
something at home, and so I went to see him.

Eric raised her in such an adult world. I cried that night 
when I went home. Kelly just sat there looking really upset 
that I was seeing everything - the alcohol and drugs and 
pornography that Eric shared with his friends at the trailer 
court. And he was still a young guy himself but he liked to 
live this lifestyle and worked a job that (I found out 
later) was below his intelligence level with easy women and 
other indulgences at night. She didn't belong here or at 
least was trying her very best not to. And not to be 
unnaturally mature like the other dirty little kids who were 
raised here. 

Of course he didn't take me seriously at all and what I 
found out later was that he was the son of a doctor and had 
chosen to live like this instead of living under the 
pressure of his parents, but nonetheless looked down on 
everything and everyone as stupid in comparison to his 
potential. Even me as a school teacher, he thought was a job 
for overpaid baby sitters and people who couldn't find other 
jobs. But he didn't tell me all of this right away. He sort 
of played a part that made me think he was just a guy who 
had let everything fall apart and wasn't able to provide the 
home that his daughter needed. And maybe if I was just 
strong enough to help him out he could really be better than 
this. Even though he had a twelve year old daughter, he was 
still a couple of years younger than me, and I guess  I let 
myself buy the image of the unprepared father who just 
couldn't pull it together.

It was IMPORTANT he said to meet my friends and family and 
for everyone to know that we were together even though he 
constantly embarrassed me and I could already tell that he 
was hitting on other girls. But I guess I'm pretty 
attractive compared to the kind of low-class girl he was 
accustomed to doing his THING with from around the trailer 
court. And so he was happy at first with our sex life even 
though I wasn't really into the things he was into.

More than anything I wanted a family wich is what Kelly 
wanted too and I was mostly just happy when I could spend 
time with her and braid her hair and she liked to sleep with 
me too, so I slept in her bed with her and even helped her 
with her bathing and dressing in the morning. She always 
wanted to be babied and I was beginning to know that this 
was the same problem she was having at school. Kelly wanted 
to be allowed to be a little girl, like she had never been 
given the chance to be around Eric and all of his trashy 
friends who always wanted her to play the part of an adult 
with alcohol and drugs and god knows what else. But she was 
smarter than that, and I love her for it, and she just 
wanted to take two steps backwards and be a little 
immature... and I was willing to help her out with that. 

But family wasn't very important to Eric. When I was around 
he wanted to have sex in ways that even if I enjoyed them 
always made me feel dirty. It was my price for being a part 
of his daughters life and I'm sure she knew I was paying it 
because she could hear me crying out from his bedroom and 
always gave me a big hug afterwards when I went into her 
bed. Sometimes he wanted it really rough and he would talk 
dirty to me about all of the things he wanted to do with me, 
and even if I did manage to get INTO it, he would get mad at 
me afterwards because I didn't want to take it to the next 
step. A lot of the time, though, he just wanted me to shut 
up and stay still while he watched his pornographic films 
and imagined himself into the action and just used my body 
as a source of warm tight holes and tits to help him to play 
out his fantasies, and if I had an orgasm every once in a 
while it made no difference to him. 

When other teachers and my girl friends and my sister met 
him, I was embarrassed by the way he treated me and it 
always seemed to me that everyone just KNEW that he was 
treating me like his personal little masturbation aid and 
that I was STUPID, STUPID, STUPID for moving in with him and 
for letting him influence the way I dressed and letting him 
drive my car and for everything else I was giving up. But 
they didn't understand about Kelly, and how much I wanted to 
make her life so much better than what she was getting.

I wanted to leave, and I think I would have eventually. Eric 
knew it. Kelly did too. 

That's when I had my accident but it wasn't an accident at 
all. I'm sure of it, even though I don't remember anything. 
I just went to bed one night and I remember the police at 
the accident scene and the way that Eric was there and told 
the cops that he would take me to the doctor right away.

But Doctor BURKE is not a real doctor. I mean he might have 
a medical degree but he hasn't be practising medicine at all 
and he makes money from a lucrative practice in the poor 
part of town going through patients as quickly as he can. 
He's the kind of doctor youd see a news magazine report on 
because he would order false tests or find some way to 
defraud the insurance companies to make a little more money. 
All of the teachers know about him because any student who 
missed time could get a doctor's note even if we knew they 
weren't sick but that's the way he does things - missing 
school, want a few days off of work, okay - fifty bucks and 
he'll give a signature.

And I'm sure he was more than willing to bill my insurance 
company for tests that were never done because Eric told him 
what diagnosis to give.

I don't remember all of that. I didn't even see much of it 
until I was in court with you and he was showing all of the 
police reports and medical reports and that horrible 
video... oh god, I can't believe he showed you that video.

I'll give you Valium at first Eric said, to keep you in bed 
until the good stuff arrives. I didn't fight it because I 
was really feeling sore from my injuries, and it eased the 
pain and made it easy to sleep. Kelly took good care of me 
but I could tell that she was crying a lot, and I didn't 
really understand because I could see that my injuries 
weren't really that bad. But she really cared about me I 
know it and I'm sure she already knew what her daddy was 
going to do to me.

The next day when he gave me my pills there was an odd sort 
of urgency in him like he was really anxious for me to go 
back to sleep and he stood over me while I swallowed down my 
pills and then sat at my bedside while the horror of their 
effects crept up on me. These aren't like the petty 
tranquilizers they give rich women who get bored he told me, 
he said their much stronger then that and I could already 
feel it. He laughed. In the NUT HOUSE they call these 
chemical restraints sometimes and you'll soon know why he 
said and then I had trouble understanding him because he 
would watch me for a while and then tell me a little more 
but I could feel something happening to the way I was 
thinking.

N E U R O L E P T I C - I kept trying to spell the word in 
my head even though I knew that I was getting dull but I 
wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't totally brain dead. 
He told me that the drugs were neuroleptic and I didn't know 
what he meant at first but he explained it to me. I think he 
really wanted me to understand what they were doing to me 
and he got a kick out of it. NEUROLEPTIC like they give to 
people with major mental disorders just to keep them quiet 
and passive in the mental wards but the irony of it is that 
a lot of them don't really seem too crazy until they get the 
drugs. They change you. It's all chemical, Eric told me. He 
said that it changes the way that your brains chemical 
receptors work, and it really sounded like hed done his 
research. 

He got a kick out of telling me all of this while I felt it 
all happening to me. I guess I lost track of time in that 
first couple of days while he gave me pills and tried out 
different dosages on me to see what would make me look the 
most like I had a severe brain injury which is the same 
story he told you in the court room. I would just get little 
moments when I would understand what he was saying and it 
was all so HORRIBLE that I tried to cry but I couldn't find 
the emotion at the moment. 

And once he had the right dosages of drugs I know he 
controlled me completely and he knew just the right amount 
to keep me STILL because that was what he really liked when 
he had sex with me. He wanted me there as just a limp 
passive body for him to fuck and fill with cum and to fuck 
my tits and whatever else happened in the video he was 
watching. I knew it was happening but most of the time I was 
mostly indifferent to it because he did it when the drugs 
were at their strongest and I wasn't able to string two 
thoughts together and now I knew why they called them 
CHEMICAL RESTRAINTS because I couldn't even form the intent 
to move.

Kelly was my angel. When ERIC was done with fucking me he 
would let her take care of me and bath me and feed me and 
dress me. And I wasn't able to help her much with my feeding 
and most of the time I just wasn't interested so she fed me 
BABY FOOD because her dad didn't show her how to make 
anything else that I could eat and that's when I was most 
embarrassed because I would be drooling and I would have 
baby food on my face and Kelly was so patient with me and 
cleaned me up and dressed me in whatever clothes she thought 
were the nicest. I think for her that it was a little like 
playing with a doll but I could tell that she really loved 
me because she would sing to me and cuddle up for a nap on 
my bed.

When we were alone together I felt much better but I always 
knew that HE would come back with more drugs later and I 
never knew if her would get the same drugs or something with 
more side effects because he was buying them on the streets 
(with MY MONEY) and he couldn't always get the same drugs 
twice. I was scared and sometimes when the drugs weren't 
keeping me fully STUPID I tried to talk to Kelly about what 
her father was doing.

I DON"T NEED THE PILLS telling her over and over again but 
Kelly never wanted to believe me at all and she finally told 
me to hush up and she said something that made me really 
sick in my heart. She said that Yes, I really do think you 
need the pills that Daddy is giving you because your sick in 
the brain like the doctor says and that it's better this way 
because if you weren't sick that you would leave us and then 
I'd be all alone with Daddy again. And she HAD to believe it 
you could see in her eyes. She was afraid to lose me, and so 
I stopped trying to tell her.

It was early on that my family and co-workers evaporated. 
They were really concerned at first but once Eric took me in 
a wheelchair and put a bicycle helmet on my head and gave me 
extra drugs so that I was drooling and making funny sounds 
he brought me to see my sisters and my school and everyone 
gave me this pitiful look because of how pathetic I had 
become. Eric put on such an act like he was putting on a 
brave face and loved me so much that he was going to take 
good care of me.

My sister is a nice person and I know she loves me but she's 
a little SELF-CENTRED and I've always known it. My mother 
used to tell me that we were opposites and that I was always 
helping my sister too much but it never bothered me. But 
this time it did because I could see that look in her eye 
when she saw Eric pushing me around and my head all flopped 
over and I could see her just thanking god that Eric was 
willing to take care of me and that she was off the hook. I 
began to cry when she was talking to Eric in the other room 
and wrote him a cheque and I knew that she wouldn't even 
come to visit me.

At first some of my co-workers came to see me, but they 
didn't last long and what good would it do anyway? HE would 
just dope me up earlier so that they would think my brain 
was mashed and I couldn't even talk.

Once he was over that first month or two, and people stopped 
thinking about it because that's what people do and they 
don't want to always be thinking about depressing things and 
wanted to get along with their lives and once that happened, 
Eric had me fully under his control and he enjoyed revealing 
his every cruelty to me slowly.

SIDE EFFECTS he told me could include a lack of appetite and 
extreme thirst both of which I knew were true because I was 
always begging for something to drink. His favourite side 
effect was swollen breast tissue and he really loved to 
abuse my tits until they were so tender I could barely stand 
it but I couldn't do anything about it because he had put 
straps on my bed to keep my hands down and would sometimes 
keep me tied down for days at a time. 

Another possible side effect he told me with some glee was 
TD or brain damage caused by the high doses of medication I 
was on. The longer I was on them the worse my chances and 
eventually even if he did take me off the drugs I would have 
brain damage and wouldn't be able to control GROTESQUE 
movements of my body and especially my face and mouth. And 
he could see how much the idea of it upset me and so he 
constantly threatened to up the dosages. He especially did 
this when he allowed the drugs to lapse a bit to get me some 
exercise because he didn't want my body to get all flabby on 
him. So he would let me get back a little bit of control two 
or three times a week to work on my muscle tone but he 
always kept a close watch on me and told me that he would 
punish me with higher levels of drugs if I tried to make any 
trouble.

He always won in the end. I would do my hour on the exercise 
bicycle and do stretches and aerobics and anything else he 
wanted so that he could have a girl with a cute ass to fuck 
and then he would feed me Haldol and I would feel all of my 
control slipping away again and by the time Kelly got home 
from school I would be back to eating baby food and being 
treated like a doll for her to play with.

I think that ERIC has a couple of friends who know the TRUTH 
and I hope you can find them. There a big guy who I'm sure 
lives in the neighbourhood and another smaller guy who Eric 
probably works with and they would come over a lot and hang 
out and then at night Eric would let them have sex with me 
while he videotaped it but that's not the video tape you saw 
and I'm sure that the evidence is somewhere and maybe you 
can get a search warrant and find them in the trailer. 

These PIGS didn't mind at all that I was just laying there 
and couldn't do much but groan with displeasure while they 
did awful and sometimes painful things to my body. And even 
though my mind wasn't working very well Eric liked to make 
sure that I was awake and I knew what was happening to me. 
Max is fucking your ass dear, he would tell me, aren't you 
glad I'm getting this on videotape ? 

Sometimes they would stay the night and I remember one time 
Eric thought it would be funny in the morning to have all 
three guys cum on my face before Kelly came in to feed me 
and then Eric told her that he had tried feeding me and the 
baby food was all over my face and that she should make sure 
I finished my meal. He stood there smugly while his little 
girl spoon fed me their cum for my breakfast. He absolutely 
loved humiliating me like that, and would tell me about it 
for days afterwards just in case the drugs had made me 
forget about it.

The one thing that I took any happiness from at all was that 
Kelly was doing well and had even started to make friends at 
school and was keeping up with her homework and had joined 
basketball. I kept on thinking that maybe just having me 
around and with her taking on such a nurturing role was 
allowing her to grow up a bit without feeling threatened and 
it made me so happy. I can remember the first time she 
brought friends home from school and they were hanging out 
and then they came in to see me and Kelly wasn't ashamed of 
me at all. I recognized the kids because they were from the 
class that I used to teach and I was glad to see them and 
they all seemed to be treating Kelly well.

Almost every day, she brought new friends home but she never 
neglected me and I know that she still loves me so much 
because she sends her friends home to feed me and take a nap 
on my bed and likes to still talk to me like a real mother. 

But even with Kelly having friends ERIC had to try to find a 
way to ruin things and he finally succeeded because one day 
when Kelly was sending her friends home I guess he must have 
talked to some of the boys and invited them over for the 
next day. And he must have known that Kelly wouldn't be home 
because she had a basketball game and when the boys arrived 
they looked all uncomfortable and didn't understand why they 
had been invited over. And then Eric just left me alone with 
them.

I don't blame the boys. Rylan is a good kid. Paul is a bit 
of a trouble maker, but he always respected me in the 
classroom. Simon was just a tag-along. I don't blame them at 
all really it was just inevitable and Eric knew it that if 
her left the boys alone with me and told them that he 
wouldn't be back for a few hours that the temptation would 
be too much. Boys at that age just can't control it and I 
know that its a common male fantasy to imagine the teacher 
naked.

They didn't take too long and they tried their best to clean 
me up afterwards and pretend like nothing happened but they 
didn't hesitate a second when Eric invited them back next 
week to watch me again while he went to see Kelly play 
basketball. 

Eric taunted me afterwards about it telling me that I must 
have really gotten off because my pussy was so wet but it 
wasn't true or at least I had nothing to do with it he had 
me so drugged up I could barely move but he was determined 
to humiliate me and so he let the drugs wear off a bit and 
then began to play with my clitoris to see if he could get a 
reaction. While the drugs were working all of my senses were 
dulled but he knew that as they wore off that I couldn't 
really control myself too well.

So he kept me like that just barely drugged while he teased 
me and said humiliating things in my ear and played his 
pornographic video tapes for me until he could feel a 
physical reaction but just when I began to get into it he 
would stop and leave me frustrated and my hands tied so that 
I couldn't do anything about it but he would leave the VCR 
running to keep me aroused and then come back an tease me 
some more in an hour. 

I don't know how long he played this game but each time he 
came back I was more and more desperate and he would say 
more awful things to me and tease me about how much it 
turned me on when I was left alone with the boys from 
Kelly's class and I shook my head and denied it but he could 
feel my body moving against his hand and he knew that I had 
been starved of sexual release for months and I couldn't 
control myself.

I had a seizure and he gave me some of those 
antiparkinsonian drugs I told you about that I need when the 
neuroleptics begin to wear off. He made fun of me telling me 
that I was worse when I was off of the drugs. Your like an 
animal he said to me, humping your body against me and 
grunting like a pig and watching the TV screen your better 
off when I have you all drugged up and at least then you 
have an excuse for what you do but right now you should see 
the way your face looks all screwed up and trying to get an 
orgasm and you can fight against the restraints as much as 
you like but I'm not ready to let you cum yet.

You've got to understand I needed it so badly and it had 
been so long and he continued to torture me with his finger 
for a while and even with his tongue and just waiting until 
the last moment to leave me desperate and gasping. I really 
wasn't myself at all. You've got to believe me.

I'm saying this to explain what you saw on the videotape. 
You only saw the end and of course he wouldn't show you the 
rest. He had just loosened the strap on my right hand a bit 
and left me alone like that so aroused and not quite able to 
reach. And you wouldn't see it in the tape that he left the 
pornography on and that's why I look like I'm out of it and 
I guess after struggling a while I got my hand near enough 
to try to relieve myself and I know it must look bad on the 
tape but I swear that I didn't know that Kelly was in the 
next room in the background of the videotape while I was 
rubbing myself and grunting and trying so hard to get my 
orgasm.

I can understand what it looks like to you and I know Eric 
planned it this way to make it look like I'm incompetent and 
that I'm so out of control that I would play with myself 
sexually in front of an innocent little girl like Kelly but 
it really wasn't my fault. I just needed it so badly and he 
had been teasing me so long and I didn't even know that 
Kelly was around until I exploded and then she was beside me 
and I began to cry. 

Since then he has had his friends over a lot and shows them 
the videotape to humiliate me and he still invites the boys 
from my class over to watch me when he goes out even though 
he knows what will happen to me when he leaves me that 
drugged up. None of the boys even wears a condom and I 
shudder to think about what these kind of drugs would do to 
a baby if I actually got pregnant. I wonder if Eric would 
even tell anyone.

And I guess you wouldn't have heard about any of this unless 
my insurance company finally stepped in and wanted Eric to 
have power of attorney over me before they would give him a 
cash settlement. When he took me to see you at the 
courthouse that day, he made sure I was out of it but as 
soon as I saw a real judge I became determined to be able to 
say something or draw your attention.

I don't even know you, but my heart jumped because I knew I 
finally had a chance. And you were so sceptical of the 
medical evidence when Eric showed it to you and you asked 
him tough questions and even when the video tape played, I 
could see that you weren't just disgusted by the subject 
matter but that you were looking for real EVIDENCE.

Well here it is !!! I've finally written it out even though 
STAFFORD stopped me a couple of times and took it away while 
the nurses visited during the night. And now I can see that 
morning is coming and STAFFORD has taken a break from 
mopping the floors to read all of the other pages of this 
account that I'm writing to you and he seems to understand 
it.

I finally think that I have a chance. I can hardly restrain 
myself - but I guess the straps that keep me on the bed are 
doing the job for me ! 

Oh god...

Maybe I'm just being paranoid. That's got to be it.

PLEASE let it just be that I'm paranoid because of all of 
the drugs I've been on for so long. But I don't want to give 
STAFFORD this last page because when he finished reading the 
other pages he went and made a phone call and was looking at 
me while he talked and nodding his head and my stomach is 
telling me that - its warning me about who he's talking to 
and JESUS...

please let this just be my mind playing tricks...

but he went away for a minute and now I see him just outside 
of my room and he's preparing a needle...

is a JANITOR really supposed to be administering dru

***

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