Title: The Three Billie Girls Gruff
Author: oosh@gmx.net
Keywords: FF,lesbian,parody,humor,humour,travesty

---

The Three Billie Girls Gruff

by oosh@gmx.net

September 2000

Note: If you don't know the nursery story _The Three Billy Goats Gruff_,
travestied here, then please see

  http://www.sterlingtimes.co.uk/bill_goats_gruff.htm

before reading any further.

---

Once upon a time, there were three sisters. Their names were Billie Jane,
Billie Jean, and Little Billie Girl Gruff.

Billie Jane was the biggest; Billie Jean was middle-sized; and Little Billie
Girl was the youngest.

"We're the Billie Girls Gruff," they said, "We like to have fun."

But one day, Billie Jane said,

"I'm bored. Let's go to the toyshop!"

And Billie Jean said,

"Yes, let's! Come on! Let's go and have some fun!"

So the three sisters dressed in their finest clothes. Billie Jane wore her
smart black leather trouser suit and a short red t-shirt that showed off her
pierced tummy-button.  And she wore her high, high heels. Oh, and she wore
red, red lipstick.  Billie Jean wore a tight-fitting knee-length black
dress, seamed stockings, a red necklace, and red high heels. Yes, she had
red lipstick too.  And Little Billie Girl wore a tight, tight white
cardigan, her little short blue mini-skirt and yes, bright red lipstick too.
- What shoes did she wear? She was a bit too young for high heels, so she
wore flip-flops.

And off they went to the toyshop, and they all looked very pretty.

But when they got near the toyshop, they came to the river. And the toyshop
was on the other side.

"Oh, dear!" cried Billie Jane. "How are we going to get across the river?"

They obviously couldn't swim, because it would spoil their pretty clothes.

"Look, there's a bridge over there!" cried Billie Jean.

"But isn't there a crone under that bridge?" asked Little Billie Girl Gruff
doubtfully. "I've heard it said that if you go on to that bridge, she will
catch you and eat you ALL up."

"You leave her to me," said Billie Jane. "I'll go first, because I'm the
eldest.  If I can get across, you'll know that it is safe."

The three sisters agreed that this was the best plan. They thought that
Billie Jane was ever so brave.

So off Billie Jane went in her high heeled shoes, clip clop, clip clop, on to
the bridge. And at once the crone appeared, big and fierce, with a knife in
one hand, and a fork in the other.

"Who are you?" she demanded fiercely.

"I'm Billie Jane Gruff, and I like to have fun."

"Well, Billie Jane, this is MY bridge," roared the crone, "and if you come any
further, I'll eat you ALL up."

"Oh no, dear lady," protested Billie Jane, flickering her lovely long
eyelashes at the crone. "I'm old and tough and bitter. My younger sister
Billie Jean will be here before long. She's much tastier than I am. Look,
she's standing over there. Doesn't she look delicious?"

The crone looked, saw Billie Jean and licked her lips. "Mmm, she does look
tasty," she said, lowering her knife and fork. "Very well, you may cross the
bridge."

So Billie Jane trotted, clip clop, clip clop, over the bridge and off to the
toyshop.

"Look, she let Billie Jane cross!" cried Billie Jean with delight. "I'll go
next, just to make extra sure it's safe."

And so she went in her high heeled shoes, clip clop, clip clop, on to the
bridge. Again, up jumped the crone, big and fierce, with a knife in one
hand, and a fork in the other.

"Who are YOU?" she screeched.

"I'm Billie Jean Gruff, and I like to have fun."

"Well, Billie Jean, this is MY bridge," roared the crone, "and if you come
any further, I shall eat you ALL up."

"Oh no, madam, pray don't do that," protested Billie Jean, opening her
lovely blue eyes as wide as they would go. "Don't eat me. I may be rather
tasty, but my lovely little sister will be here before long. She's delicious
and tiny and tender! Look, she's standing over there. Doesn't she look
absolutely scrumptious?"

The crone looked, saw Little Billie Girl Gruff and licked her lips. "Mmm,
you are right: she is a tender little morsel indeed!" She lowered her knife
and fork. "Very well, you may go across the bridge."

So Billie Jean trotted, clip clop, clip clop, over the bridge and off to the
toyshop.

"Well," thought Little Billie Girl Gruff. "If they can do it, I can do it."

So off went Little Billie Girl Gruff, flip flop, flip flop, and on to the
bridge. And once more, up jumped the crone, big and fierce, with a knife in
one hand, and a fork in the other.

"And who are YOU?" she roared in a terrible voice.

"Please ma'am, I'm Little Billie Girl Gruff, and I like to have fun."

"You do, do you? Well, Little Billie Girl Gruff, this is MY bridge, and if
you come any further, I shall eat you ALL up."

"Pooh!" retorted Little Billie Girl Gruff. "I see you are a person of NO
refinement."

"Refinement?" said the crone, startled. "Refinement?"

"I am far too tender and tasty a morsel to be gobbled up like pizza," said
Little Billie Girl Gruff airily. "I am a delicacy, and should be savoured
slowly. You can put that knife and fork away for a start."

"Oh. And how precisely should you be eaten?" asked the crone, lowering her
knife and fork uncertainly.

"Where were you brought up?" snorted Little Billie Girl Gruff
contemptuously.  "How do you think a girl such as I should be eaten? - Under
the bridge, of course!"

Meanwhile, Billie Jane and Billie Jean had lots of fun in the toyshop.
Eventually, it grew late.

"Let's go home now," said Billie Jane Gruff. "Let's go and have some fun with
our new toys!"

So off they went, clip clop, clip clop, back to the bridge.

Then Billie Jean turned to Billie Jane, looking a little conscience-stricken.
"Ooh!" she said, "I wonder what's happened to Little Billie Girl Gruff."

So they stole slowly, clip... clop... clip... clop... over the bridge.

"Little Billie Girl Gruff? Little Billie Girl Gruff? Are you there?" they
called out softly.

At first they didn't hear anything. But after a little while, they heard
some quiet moaning.

"Little Billie Girl Gruff? Is that you? Are you all right, Little Billie Girl
Gruff?" they called.

"Oh, I'm just... Ohh! ...just teaching the crone some... hmmm... table
manners." The voice seemed to be coming from underneath the bridge.

"Don't you want to come home and have some fun with our new toys?" Billie
Jane and Billie Jean called out.

"Oh, later... much later..." came the faint reply.

So Billie Jane shrugged at Billie Jean; and Billie Jean shrugged at Billie
Jane; and off they went, clip clop, clip clop, to have some fun with their
toys.

- What's that? Why were they called Gruff? Well, dear, that's a story I'll
tell you when you're older.

* * *

Moral: So what if the grass is greener on the other side? Make hay under the
bridge.
