TOM TOM

"Momma cat and the seven kittens"
If mom had been white the kittens would have been named Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey. She was solid gray but definitely a princess and the kittens were found in a "mine". Since she was still feeding them, cleaning them and mothering them, they had not named themselves. Poor defenseless little cuties.

Naming cats does present a problem when the cat and 7 kittens are female and you have already used up 50 or so female names with humans...plus...some of the women were changing names as the mood suited, and preggers babes are moody. The Cheese had a feeling the cats were going to be named Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey simply to avoid response situations.

Response situations happen when there are four Ambers and the caller wants just one of them. When they're all pregnant ... and moody ... it's a situation to be avoided. Adding Amber, the cat, may create insurmountable difficulties: Shouting at Amber, a kitten, climbing up the tipi and leaving tiny claw holes, said claw holes soon to be leaks in the very next rain, will include various swear words one would not wish to call any of the soon to be mom Ambers, especially if one has designs on a particular Ambers body later in the evening. Nope, don't wanna go there.

Jo discovered, eventually but far too soon, that 8 cats in heat and no Tom, leave distinctive odors and wet spots scattered through out the camp. And so it was, in the fullness of time, that Jo could be heard one evening calling out, "Cheese! Cheese! You rat bastard! Get your ass over here. These damn cats are going to wake the baby." Said baby, nap time so rudely interrupted, began caterwalling with the cats.

"Shitfuzzy!" exclaimed the Cheese to himself, but aloud, much to the enjoyment of the rest of the loungers in the Men's Lodge, "I knew this was going to happen! I was hoping that it wasn't going to be so soon. Fuck me running!"

"Fuck me running?" queried Jimmy. "Dude! That would be most amazingly difficult." And every one dissolved in tears of laughter.

"You better go, Man," said Bill. "She sounds pissed. Have another hit and fly. Who has the bong?"

"'ERE"

"Thanks, Kurt."

During the previous exchange, Jo could be heard steaming. With a heavy sigh, the Cheese left the lodge and headed for home.

"Yes Dear?"

"Yes Dear my ass! Do something about those damn cats! Go to the Coot Village and find that damn tom!"

"Yes Ma'am."

"Oh, Cheese," moaned Jo, "I don't mean to be so mean. Those cats, the baby, all these women going to be moms," she throws herself in the Cheeses arms, "I'm sooo damn horny and we've still got a couple of weeks to go before we can fuck, and the bear you killed...though I do admire the bear rug and can't wait to try it out. Cheese, go get us a tom cat...even if you have to talk Two Voices into going back, forward," and she burst into tears. After some heartfelt hugs and deep tongue kisses, during which Vickie groused about getting rooms and disgusting and comments of a really soon to be mom nature, the Cheese rode the mat up to the plain above the cliff and shouted for Two Voices.

"We need a Tom."

She/he shouted right back, "So do I!"

"Oh, fuck."

"YES!!" The female half of the Two Voiced One said, "those damn cats! They give off the perfect smell! I'm so horny! and don't tell me to go fuck myself. My gentleman half has gone into hibernation so he won't have to put up with my urges! The rat bastard! Wonderful word, by the way. Go get the tom from the village...I'm going home and get laid. I'll be back in two weeks." And she/he was gone.

'Hope nothing goes wrong,' thought the Cheese.

The trip to the village was uneventful, if flying a mat through a thunderstorm isn't an event. The Cheese survived, so it was a non event.

However, the Cheese couldn't find the tom. No amount of baiting or surveying, sniffing or ransacking could produce a tom. The Cheese stayed a week and went through the houses again. This time he found the attic trapdoors and thoroughly enjoyed going through the trunks and discards of several decades. 'Things hide in the strangest places.' he thought, as he pulled a pistol tied to a string from between a couple of wall studs. 'We really need to come dismantle these houses. An expedition is in order.'

The Cheese decided to examine the vehicles in several of the garages. 'Locked, and there is a keyhole. Where would I hide a key? Ah...' And sure enough, the keys to one was in a thin magnetic box on the inside of the frame. 'Not where I would put it but it works.'

'Not going to start...nope. Weird layout, right hand drive...hood release...yup...trunk release...yup...oh my, comfy seats. Yup, expedition!'

The Cheese decided the junk under the hood wasn't going anywhere. The trunk had a pet cage with a picture of a cat on it. 'Oh yeah, cat.'

No cat.

The Cheese gave up. He returned to Jo with the unwelcome news that Two Voices was gone and no cat.

Tomorrow is another day so, bed time cuddles and a little oral gratification and sleep.

In the morning, as the Cheese headed for the mens tipi, one of the cats ran past, and another, and another...all headed in the same direction...the cliff.

'Wassupwiddat? lessgosee..'"Hey Jo," shouted the Cheese, "you gotta come see this!"

Jo came walking up to the Cheese. "What are those cats doing?" she asked.

"Advertising it looks like to me," said the Cheese.

The cats were all lined up along the river, butts to the cliff and tails up. On the cliff edge paced a small black dot, yowling. The cats on the river bank yowled back and sprayed, butts up and tails waving.

"Oh Tom cat don't try it, oh oh oh! Good job Bill!! Did you see that? Way to drive, Bill!"

"I think that solves our horny cat problem."

"Yup, I hope Two Voices brings another Tom or two just to improve the breed!"

"Did I tell you why Two Voices left? No?" The Cheese whispers in Jo's ear.

"No shit?"

"Cat spray. The perfect perfume to give her for Yule!"

"Cheese, sometimes you're diabolically funny!"