WAR GAMES, I
by Estragon
For adults only
Dear Caroline,
We miss you here a lot. It'll be funny going back to school
without you. I mean, you were still here a year ago and then
you were gone. Thank you for your letter. I'm glad you like
where you're living.
Okay, now I have to tell you something incredible, but you
have to promise to believe me. It's all true, okay? Then when
you're done you'd better throw this letter away. Tear it up
first though. Here goes.
Well, you know how boring things get by the end of the summer
and you have to admit that you'll be glad when school starts?
So I'm bored like that last week, and it's really hot out and
the pool is closed because of the filters and I think I'm
going to jump out of my skin I'm so bummed. I'm sitting in
front of the a.c. flipping through my mom's Vogue Magazine
and just looking at the pictures of the models and
daydreaming, thinking it must be nice to be a beautiful
grown-up like them. I mean a woman. And I'm saying the word,
woman, over and over again in my mind and saying, Rachel the
Woman, I'm Rachel the Woman, and it sounds good to me. It
sounds right. Just hold on, Rache, I tell myself, and you'll
get there. Suddenly m mom says, Golly, Rache, why don't you
go out or something? I bet you're sorry you didn't go to camp
after all. I don't even answer but I'm not sorry I didn't go.
I'd rather be bummed right here. All I say is, Mom, did you
really say Golly?
Okay, I'm getting to it. So I call up Darcy Bloom and she and
I and this girl Melanie who started in fifth just after you
moved and who's a lot like you too, same blonde hair, we
decide to go down to the park. We walk over to the dog-run
except that there's no dog there. It's too hot. There's
nobody there. So we sit under a tree and talk about what to
do. You remember there's like a wall of trees there? So from
the other side of the wall we hear voices, boy voices, and
I'm pretty sure one of them is Bobby Brooks who's already
twelve you have to know. I say, Let's look and see. Darcy and
Melanie aren't into it, but they follow me through the trees
and yes, there's Bobby and four other boys pretending to be
shooting at one another with invisible guns. There's Mike
Kelley and Jeffrey something that they call Jeffie because he
hates it and a kid named Paul and another boy I don't really
know the name of.
Shit, Bobby says when he sees us. No girls, thank you.
We want to play too, I say in my whiniest voice, just to give
him trouble. He's a couple years older than us and the other
boys and he likes to show what a tough guy he is.
You can't fucking play, he says. We're playing war. Girls
can't play fucking war.
Oh, they're playing war! Pardon me, Fucking war. Wow. Like, I
really want to play war with them and their invisible guns.
But I'm feeling really teed off that they won't let us so I
say, Yes we can. Darcy says, Come on, Rachel, we don't care.
Melanie doesn't say anything because she still feels like a
new girl. But I decide I want to win this one even if I don't
really want to play, so I make myself real girl-like.
Please, Bobby, I say, and wiggle around a lot. Please can we
play war?
No fucking way, he says. I want to tell him to wash his mouth
out, but I just wiggle some more and say, We can be the
nurses, if you get wounded. And I'm thinking, right, those
invisible guns are going to do a lot of harm. But I don't say
it. I want to win, so I don't make fun of them.
Shit, Bobby, let them be the nurses, Jeffie says. So Bobby
agrees. He tells us the hospital will be under one of the
trees and tells us to wait there. So Darcy and I and Melanie
go and sit under the tree and the boys go on fighting their
war, jumping out at one another from behind trees and bushes,
and we girls are just waiting, watching the stupid war. This
is really boring, Melanie says. Really, Darcy says.
Bobby, I whine, this is really boring.
Fucking shit, he says. He gives me a furious look that
actually gets me scared. He starts to come towards me and I
don't know what he's planning to do. So I kind of back up and
I trip on Darcy a fall sort of into her lap. And Bobby starts
laughing, so then the other boys do too.
Okay, Bobby says, like an announcement. Okay, men, he says,
somebody has to get wounded.
Fuck that, Mike Kelley says. Bobby glares at him. Fuck that?
he shouts, like a question. He tries to say Insubordination
and makes a mess of it. Instub hord and ation, he says, or
something like that, and he's trying to sound tough like a
captain but his voice is breaking because he's twelve. So he
turns red, really and truly turns red, and then he says, Fuck
it, I'll get wounded myself. Just give me a minute.
Sure, I say. The nurses are waiting though, and I flash him a
smile for some reason. He goes back to the war. He forgets to
get wounded. This sucks, Darcy says. So I call out his name,
just once, sort of sing it out, Bob-b-b-y!
Oh, yeah, he says and says to the other boys, Okay, men, I'm
wounded. But I'll be back. Keep up the good work, men. And he
comes toward the trees. I'm wounded, he tells us, Help. We
get it, Darcy says.
I tell Bobby that I'm the head nurse. He nods. Cool with me,
he says. I tell him to come with me and we go a little way
into the grove where nobody can see us except Darcy and
Melanie who are that near and I tell him to lie down. You
COULD act like you're wounded, I tell him. He groans as if
he's wounded. I look at the girls and wink to say, I'm
winning.
Bobby lies on the grass and I ask him where he's wounded.
You're the fucking nurse, he says. Come on, Bobby, I say,
just tell me. He points to somewhere on his stomach. I begin
to examine him. I press on his stomach. Here?I ask. Sure, he
says, why not?
He's starting to tee me off again so I say, No, I don't think
so, and I move my hand a little lower. I see that I'm
tickling him. Am I getting warmer, I say. And I move it a
little lower again. Bobby just lies there making little
noises because I'm tickling him. But he just lies there.
Now, Carrie, I went and I did something I still can't believe.
Bobby's tee shirt was tucked into his jeans, you know, and
suddenly I just tugged it out and there was his naked belly
and button. For a second I was afraid he'd be teed and I just
stood still. But he didn't do much of anything. Squirmed
maybe but that's all.
So I start pressing his stomach again but lower down and now
on his bare skin. Pressing just with a couple of fingers. And
I press a little harder and I let my fingers slip a little
lower until they're right at the top of his pants. I'm making
myself a little nervous doing this, you know, but I look up
at Bobby's face and, Carrie, his eyes are closed and he has
a fun expression, sort of pained but happy too. I don't know.
Some kind of funny expression. And I just keep going. I don't
let his pants stop me. I push his jeans down a little. Just
a little. It's fascinating. Darcy and Melanie move closer and
they're watching what I'm doing without a peep. I'm really
just staring at Bobby's belly and seeing my fingers pressing
it and I almost don't remember they're mine. I'm staring and
it's like another girl is doing this. Bobby has a little line
of hair going down from his belly button. I see my fingers
running up and down this line.
Hey, Bobby, one of the boys yells over, when are you getting
out of the hospital? Bobby jumps, like he's been asleep. He
sort of barks back, Soon, getting out soon. I lean my whole
hand on his stomach and say like a nurse, Not so soon, young
fellow, you have a lot of recovering to do. And Bobby says,
I swear, Carrie, Bobby says, I know I do, it's okay. There,
there, I say, and I put my hand on his forehead and push down
and close his eyes for him. Then I go back to his belly.
Oh, God, Carrie. I look down there and I see like his pup,
that's what my brother calls his thing, his pup pushing up
inside his pants. For a minute I can't think of what to do.
I really want to touch it but I'm too scared. Finally I say,
Bobby, we're going to have to get you out of this shirt. And
I ask Darcy to help me. Bobby lets us do it. He lifts himself
up on his elbows and then he lifts one arm and then the other
and Darcy has his shirt pulled off. Then she says, Why isn't
anyone else getting wounded? And Melanie says, Yeah, why? And
what do you know, Jeffie suddenly yells, I'm hit, oh God, I'm
hit, help me, and Darcy goes running and brings him back with
his arm right across her shoulder like a picture. And then
Mikey bites the dust and Melanie has to go get him. Things
are really changing. Lots of casualties. The tide was turning,
whatever that means.
I want to put my fingers a little way, just a little way, into
Bobby's pants but I'm really afraid. So I ask him if it's
okay. I mean I'm still playing the game, so I say, I'm afraid
the injury is lower down, Bobby. Whatever, he says, really
hoarse.
He's lying there and his shirt is lying there next to him and
I see that he's sweating, so I wipe his forehead with his
shirt and then kind of leave it there on his head covering
his eyes. Then I just casually let my hand slide down his
body over one of his nipples and down his belly and I take my
time and make him squirm a lot. And when my hand gets to his
pants this time I just force it on under. But it doesn't go
very far. His pants are too tight and he's wearing a belt.
What do I do, Carrie? I really wish I had you there to say.
I look around for Darcy and Melanie and they each have a boy
on the ground now too and they're pretty much imitating me
with Bobby but not quite. Darcy has Jeffie's shirt pulled up
and she's pretending to do some operation on him down near his
belly-button. He looks smooth as a baby. He's our age. He
hasn't got that line of hair Bobby has. Melanie has Mikey's
shirt off too but she's got her hand right where his penis
is, Carrie, right there, I mean where it would be if he
didn't have his bluejeans on.
I hear Mikey whisper to Melanie, Don't let Bobby see, don't
let Jeffie. Bobby has a blindfold on, stupid, Melanie says,
and Jeffie is having an operation, and she laughs at her own
joke. We girls look at one another. The other two boys,
Paulie and I think his name is Kevin, keep looking over our
way, craning their necks, and go on playing their dumb war
game which looks really stupid now that there are only two
guys fighting the war. Seeing them look so stupid out there
makes me feel I'm smarter and stronger and all of a sudden I
have no more fear. I mean maybe a little. But not enough to
keep me from unbuckling Booby's belt and opening the button
on his pants. Then I shove my hand right down them. But like
how could I forget that boys wear underpants too? So my hand
goes on top of Bobby's shorts and that still makes him groan
or something. Very slowly I move down until there's no
mistaking that I'm in his pants and just a couple of
fractions of an inch away from his penis.
Oh, Carrie, my mom just came in. Okay, I'll get back to you
later. I'm not really finished with my story yet. Not nearly.
end of part one