Between Two Lovers (Part One of the Sequel to: Something We Have to Talk About)
By Nicole Braun (aka: secrets and nici) nicolebraun77@aol.com

I am the writer of this story and this story is my property. No one may post this story on the Internet, publish, copy, or use in part, without my written consent to do specifically so. 

Since almost all of my stories are about emotions, conflict and people coping with life, this story is not a stroke story, it is a romance story if anything. There are very little sex scenes in any of my writings. So if you're looking for a stroke story, I'm not your kind of writer, my stories you will not like. 

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The next morning found Jonathan naturally hung-over and unable to think of working. He called in sick for the first time in ages. He asked, no he told his boss that he was taking not only all his sick leave days, he was taking a week's vacation. When his boss became indignant, Jonathan only answered him, "I don't care. If you don't like it, fire me." Hanging up the phone while his boss was still arguing with him, he mumbled to himself, "As if it fucking matters."  If he didn't work for them, he'd be working for someone else.

Wandering around the empty house, he knew he should be doing some things. He should be reacting, and there were things that needed to be done. He knew he had to find out facts for himself, not only accepting everything Susan had told him. 

"How in the hell am I going to find a lawyer? With my luck, I'd end up calling her fucking boy toy." He searched through the telephone book until he found a female lawyer. "That should eliminate that possibility." 

Staring at the phone, he couldn't call. There was this feeling of finality with that simple act of dialing. If he called this lawyer, he would be putting everything he had worked for, for years, behind him, the house, his marriage, his hopes for his and their future. 

His thoughts kept wandering, "This isn't true. It isn't happening. Not to me. There has to be something, something simple that explains everything that has happened, and makes it understandable." He wanted so badly to have the whole last day just be gone. Totally and completely gone from his mind, his memories and his thinking. He questioned himself, "Maybe it would have been better she had never told me. Maybe we could have gone on as we had been. Would that have been so bad if I didn't know?"

For moments, memories came flooding back to him. Memories that were crystal clear in his mind... that day at the hospital when the nurse handed him his newly first born child to hold for the first time. "What had happened? Where did everything go wrong? Why am I here now? Where did those moments go?" Other moments flooded his mind, their first date, him having just returned from service, she just barely out of highschool and starting her first job. Then that one day he took her fishing, and they ended up swimming naked in the cold waters of that rocky creek, their first time as lovers. "Was there something I could do, could have done, should do, should have done? Should I just accept and hold on to whatever's left? Is that enough? Can there be moments like those in the future, after all that's happened? If I don't give into her, and do divorce her, am I destroying the possibility of them ever happening? Where will I go from here? What future can I have? Do I want that future, or is it better to just accept?"      

Reaching for the phone, his thoughts were, "Whatever happens, whatever the possibilities are, I need to know. I can't let things happen like they did yesterday." Conceding point with his emotions of denial, "I'll call and first just ask for some advice. I don't have to decide anything yet." The appointment was made for the next morning. He was asked to bring with him any and all financial papers, tax returns, etc. 

Then first taking a couple of aspirin, he stepped into the shower, standing only letting the warm comforting water cascade over him until he felt his headache slowly recede. 

Returning dressed from the bedroom, he saw that the voice mail recorder was lit. Someone had called while he was deep in thought and showering. He had not heard the phone even ring. "Jonathan, it's me. I'm at my parents and I'm picking the kids up. I'm going to take them with me to my sister's for a day, or so. That should give us both some time to think. I only told mom and dad that we had an argument. There's no need to say more, or get anyone else involved. I know we both said some angry hateful things last night. Things that should have not been said, or should have not been said the way they were. Please believe me, it's not as bad as what you're thinking. I truly do love you. We can get through this if we want. I'm sorry that I sounded so harsh and ugly last night. I didn't want to be. I was just too nervous and afraid..." Abruptly the tape ended. 

He spent the rest of the day searching for financial records and contemplating how someone could profess to love two people at the same time. He couldn't seem to understand, grasp the concept. He knew he loved people differently, that there were levels of love, friends, family, wife, children, mother and father. But, how could someone love emotionally and sexually two different people at the same time? "Am I missing something here? Could she be right, someway, somehow? Is this somehow unique and unusual? Am I being too judgmental of her? Does she love me? Does she love him or is she just infatuated with him, with the sex, emotions and lifestyle he can offer her that I can't?"

"...That I can't." With that thought, the pain gnawed again at his innards. She had a life away from him, foreign to him. A life he was not allowed a part of, a life he could not provide. After the pain and fear came hate and anger, followed by self-doubt. "Why, how had I failed her? What have I become that changed us?" 

He remembered her words, telling him how he had changed. He didn't feel himself changed, but then he did. Walking into the bedroom to stare at him self in the full-length mirror he wondered, "When had all these changes happen? Why hadn't I noticed them?" His thoughts darkening, "I have changed and I'm not who I was. I'm not the man she married. We've been living off of memories for how long? I wasn't there. I wasn't there for her, with her, sharing. I first left her, before she left me. Does she love him because he is the man I had been? She is loving him only as an ersatz? Is that it? Do I only need to win her back from him? Is this what it's all about?"      

Then in anger, "Do I want to win her back? Why am I always the one at fault? Damn it how about me? She isn't the same person I married either! Isn't there such a thing as equality? She cheated on me. I didn't force her to do anything! I'm the one being hurt."

Still thinking erratically, his mind wandered into deeper darker passages, thoughts of her with her lover. Thoughts of how she had said that the sex was great. Did that mean her lover was better than him? Did she do things with her lover, things she had never done with him? Did they have anal sex? Did she swallow his cum? Did he make her scream out crying in passion she had never known before? Was his cock bigger? 

With jealousy came pain, but also a morbid, perverse and masochistical passion and desire. He felt at the same time sick to the stomach with fear, hurt and jealousy, yet also sexually aroused. His arousal seemed to be fed by his jealousy and doubt of self-value. In self-debasement, he needed to see, hear and know each and every little detail of their lovemaking. 

He shook himself, trying to break away from the illogic of his own debasement, yet he could not completely. The feeling, the emotions nagged at him. Mentally he wanted to return to the purity of the justifiable anger and rage he had known before. She was doing him wrong. Her lover had wronged him and his marriage. He had done nothing wrong. He was innocent. Yet self-doubt continued to nag and toss in his intestines.    

Susan drove along the state highway out and up into the mountains above their city. The children were quiet in anticipation of visiting Aunt Jenny and Uncle Joe. Jenny and Joe lived in their mountain home far from neighbors, but with, horses, dogs and cats to play with. Alongside their log house was a small meandering steam flowing from shaded pool to shaded pool in the late summer's heat. Remote from other children, they still had plenty of adventures to occupy their time. Jenny and Joe could have no children, so the few visits from their nephew and nieces was always welcomed. Both worked from home on the Internet, so time was not a question. Susan knew that once there, the children would be taken care of and happy, while she would have time away from Jonathan and Rich to think her own thoughts.  

Having slept the night, and time having past, she was deeply regretting how her conversation had gone with Jonathan. She was ashamed of the part she had willing played. She had not wanted to say the things the way she had. None of the talk seemed to have gone the way she had planned. Nothing she had said had come out right, or was understood the way she had intended. She had not controlled her emotions and instead reacted to his rage and anger, with her own anger. In her anger, she had willingly hurt him when she had not wanted or needed to hurt.

She had planned to not say anything about her sexual relationship with Rich. Only that it was sexual. Yet, she knew that she herself had been the first to say anything about how their lovemaking was. She had hurt him unnecessarily by doing so. Maybe even hurt him too much to repair. She should not have gone there. That was wrong, very wrong.

Driving up the meandering road her thoughts turned to her confused feelings and emotions pertaining to her sexual relationships with both men. Morally, she knew that her relationship with two men was wrong. Yet doing so felt so right. Only during the first few times with Rich had she felt the illicitness of having sex with someone else but her own husband. The same feeling of naughtiness she had as a teenager. Nowadays their relationship did not include that element at all. She felt as if she had two husbands.

Her lovemaking with him was different, freer and wilder than with her husband. It seemed there was little or nothing that they had not or would not try at least once. Anal sex was nothing unusual. Oral sex, masturbation in front of each other, even her using toys to do so, were all things that she did with him that she would never think of doing with her husband. 

Because, she was not actually married to Rich and their relationship was only a relationship for a time, she did not feel the moral pressures of her upbringing. She did not feel the need to act as the proper wife and mother of his children. She could easily and openly talk with him about anything sexually, telling him of her fantasies she would have feared to tell her husband. So, it wasn't about the sex they had, that made the sex so good. 

Still, most times during lovemaking the images of the two men would fade, blur and blend with each other. She would be making love to her husband in her mind, while making love to her lover, or visa versa. Sadly, she wished that in not only sex, but also in other intimacies shared with each of the men, she could combine the two into one. Jonathan was strong, stable and solid; a wall to depend on, while Rich was kind, gentle, compassionate and caring, open and understanding. 

Guilt had been very strong at first, and she had called off their relationship twice and only gone back to him after he once had attempted suicide, and then again when she accidentally met him while shopping. He had seemed to be so depressed and near suicidal again. Then she had given up and willingly returned to him. Creating the situation they were now in.

Neither of them had ever intended their friendship to become a love affair. Meeting at one of those house parties her husband refused to attend, they had only talked. She had obviously seen his depressed mood, and listening to his story told by him and others, understood the depth of his emotional pain. He had enjoyed their conversations and seemed to come out of his dark moods around her. He had admitted to finding their talks helpful and comforting. He made her feel she was someone special. He made her feel needed and of value beyond her drab life as a housewife and mother.

They had for a long time continued on meeting and talking, even after the party. First for days they only talked on the phone. Later they met at cafes and restaurants during the day, when her husband was at work and the children in school. Nothing had been sexual all that time. They had grown into a close friendship only, with each of them sharing their hopes, worries and concerns. 

Before the accident, he had worked as a Para-legal. The settlement from the insurance company of the car manufacturer had been a multi-million dollar settlement. Between having the money, time spent in the hospital, he had given up any attempts at working. Through their talks she had been able to persuade him into returning back to college and studying law. 

Slowly, their relationship had moved from phone conversations and lunches to her finally in a sisterly manner visiting him at his house. Her intentions had been for her to cook him a home-cooked meal. The meal and visit to his house had not seemingly changed their relationship much. Yet, more and more did she visit him, going directly to his house, and less and less did they see each other in town. 

Before long she seemed to simply have taken over the position of housewife, and ordered his haphazard household back into an orderly manner. This had though brought them into a closer intimacy, and not even aware of doing so, she often associated him and her behavior towards him, with her husband and her behavior towards her husband. 

Unaware of even doing so, they both were slipping down a steep slope of emotional entanglement. Often their conversations would turn to being sexual in nature. They talked about their desires, fantasies and likes. They told each other about events in their past where each had done something unusual and exciting. So, with time, the atmosphere between them became sexually charged, and then it happened. Though they had kissed before, that day after kissing in the kitchen, they had fervently adjourned to his bedroom, their lunch left still uncooked, sitting on the kitchen counter. 

After their passion had abated she had hurriedly dressed and rushed from his house. At home she had showered, crying while scrubbing and scrubbing in an attempt to undo what they had done. When he later called she refused to answer. She avoided all contact, and shunned places he might go.  Plagued with guilt, she promised herself that something like that would never happen again, and be her secret transgression known only to herself. 

Yet, a week later, hearing the news that he was in the hospital after having taken an overdose of sleeping pills. Knowing the feeling of guilt for having been at least part of the cause, she visited him. Holding hands, they quietly promised each other never again to be intimate. But, that was an empty promise. Though each felt guilty about their actions, each was too weak and the next session of lovemaking and regrets followed within days. 

After that final return, she gave up hope of leaving him, having a normal life and simply accepted the finality of their affair. 

Now walking through the forest surrounding her sister's place, hearing her children laughing and playing, she cried. She had wanted so badly to explain to Jonathan her thoughts and feelings. She needed her strong, stable, solid husband's help. She felt trap by her own doings and did not know any way out. She had hoped that as a husband and wife they would have been able to talk and somehow out of those talks find solutions. She had been willing to answer any questions he had about her reasoning, her feelings, but he had not. He had only thought about the results. Nothing else mattered to him. 

Everything that mattered to him was that she has sex with some other man. She had done the dirty. She had been nasty and slutty. Why couldn't he understand that it wasn't about sex? Sex was just an expression of emotion, an understanding of intimacy. Everything that happened in their lovemaking happened because of the emotions and desires they had for each other. 

Of course she was different with Rich than with him. Their emotions towards each other were different than those between him and her. She couldn't do and act the same with her husband, simply because of the fact that with each of them she was on a different level of intimacy, communication and understanding in their relationships! Each was a different non-comparable dimension and entity. Comparing physical acts of love and expression was insulting and demeaning to everyone involved. 

Everything had gone wrong with their talk. He had only reacted angrily, and demanding. She had not controlled herself as she had promised herself. She had retaliated, forgetting her true purpose in wanting to bring everything out into the open. Never once had he asked why, not even wanting to know. This alone had angered her most. He had not cared enough about their relationship and her to know or even try to understand how such could happen between them. So then, she had lashed out at him in anger and hurt him where she knew it would hurt the most. It had been wrong, so wrong and everything happening afterwards only made things worse. How could she possibly make up for the mistakes already made? 

Jonathan sat hands folded with fingers entwined, slightly hanging between his open legs, while he looked pensively over the solid large oak desk towards the older gray haired lady behind it. She was reading from the forms he had filled out before and those he had brought with him. He wanted to speak, to rush into explaining, telling her everything. He needed to tell her, to tell someone, but her whole aura demanded that he wait, so impatiently he did. 

After finishing reading, she slowly laid the paper work aside and looked over her reading glasses towards him. "So please tell me why you are here. What happened to make you decide to divorce your wife? You don't look well. Are you feeling okay? Do you need help?" 

He coughed, "Yesterday, no the day before yesterday my wife told me that she's having an affair, been having an affair for a long time. She's... I don't know how to say this. It was only... guess I haven't gotten use to the thought. This is all new to me. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do."

"You're here because you want to know your options? Do you think that there isn't any possibility of reconciliation?" Her eyes were studying, questioning him. 

Stammering in reply, "Yes... I mean yes I need to know my options and no I don't know if there is any possibility of reconciliation. She says she still loves me, and doesn't want to leave me. But, on the other side she doesn't want to leave him either. It just doesn't sound right. It sounds so wrong. She can't love us both. I need to know my options." 

Then he told her what his wife had told him about how he would fare in a divorce. The lawyer smiled, she chuckled, and she shook her head and frowned during his telling, only letting him have his say and not stopping him before he was finished. 

"Some of what she told you is true. We are in a no-fault divorce state. Therefore the reason for the divorce is irrelevant unless you could prove her to be criminal, a drug user, dangerously sex addicted, or incompetent as a mother, can you?" She stared at him, watching him shake his head in negation of her question. "Then also the children would remain under her, but joint guardianship. She could not and shouldn't want to restrict your visitation rights. It is to her and the children's advantage that you involve yourself as much as possible with them." 

"All equity is to be divided between the two of you. Unless you can prove sources of income through inheritance or such, everything would be divided 50/50. That would include your house, 401k, both cars and your savings account, everything but personal possessions." 

Then taking a deep breath, "You've been working too many hours overtime and this would be to your disadvantage in a divorce. The courts would be looking at your past earning history in calculating the amount of child support and alimony you would need to pay. Since she is not working now, or has been working in the past, and is the mother of three smaller children, the courts would most likely not consider requiring her to work for some time until the children are older. You would be paying her alimony. You wouldn't be living in a cardboard box, but you all would suffer financially. There is no question that with your earnings, maintaining two households is costly and will cut into the quality of all of your living standards. Not only your own, but hers and the children's." 

Studying him for a moment before continuing, "You could file suit against her lover for alienation of affection, but since you don't know who he is, and now that every thing is in the open, getting sufficient evidence to prove your case is going to be extremely hard. Breaches of privacy are not permissible. If she only visits him at his house, that proves nothing and any material accumulated from inside his house and/or without their knowledge and consent is illegal snooping and of course not admissible in court. So long as they would not be misbehaving in public there is not much that can be done, still possible, but...' She shrugged her shoulders. "Without her willingness to testify in court, I wouldn't recommend you using that option either." 

She then sighed deeply, "In my opinion, I would not advise you to divorce unless there were no other options. Mister Freemont, I would recommend first counseling for you and your wife..." She quickly glanced down at the paperwork seeking his wife's name then stopped, losing her professional demeanor and in thought spoke, "Susan... Susan Freemont?" For moments she again studied his forms, noting address and telephone number. From her purse she pulled out her cellphone and scrolled through her contact list.

Obviously shaken she looked up to him, "Mister Freemont, I... we... no one knew she was married. I'm so sorry, but this isn't going to work. I can't, no one here can help you. It's a matter of confidentiality, I sorry."  

Shocked at this turn of events, sitting on the edge of his chair, he asked, "You know her? He works here doesn't he? Who is he? Where is he?" 

Off balance, but attempting to maintain her deportment, she answered, "No he doesn't work here. He use to work here as a Para-legal. We all knew his wife. We all were very touched by her death. I have met Susan... ahh... your wife on only a few occasions."

"Jonathan, I can't speak to you as a lawyer. What I am saying, I'm saying only as an involved person. No one knew she was married. They seemed to fit together so well. She was good for him. We all were happy for him." 

She shook her head, "This isn't right. I know him well. He's not the type to be chasing after married women. I also consider myself to be a good judge of people. Susan is not the type of women who could take any relationship lightly. There's more to this than you and I know."

Standing up she walked over to him touching him on the shoulder, "I know this is all new to you and you hurt, but please consider all of your options, ask questions and find out facts before acting. Think about the consequences not only for yourself and for your wife, but also think about your children." 

With that she handed him her calling card, "There's my private number on it. If you need to talk to someone, call me. If you don't want to talk with me, I know a good therapist that I'm sure you'd like." 

Walking out he begin thinking more clearly. Even though not much had been said, and he also had not found any solution to his problem that could satisfy, he was beginning to understand that there never would or could be a satisfying solution. The problem created by his wife could only mean for him, "Ya win some. Ya lose some." Where did he want to win and where was he willing to lose? Where could he succeed and where could he not? 

Realizing his greatest fault in this affair was that he had lost control. No not lost control, he had freely given up control over his life to others. Expecting them to take care of his needs. He had passively allowed and waited for Susan to provide him with a meaning to life, with happiness. 

Yes, he had worked hard, but always towards goals others had set for him. He never set his own goals, for himself, and in doing so he had slackened and in some aspects become lazy. He had a job, a house, a wife and children, but he didn't have a life of his own. 

His sole hobbies and interests were decimated down to fishing, drinking beer and watching TV. Hell, he wasn't even interested in mechanics anymore than at work. He hadn't worked on a car other then to fix them when they were broke, since his teen days. Friends, other than co-workers and social friends and neighbors of his and his wife, he had none. All of his teen buddies had some how wandered off without him even noticing. He had let himself go, and she had been right, he was getting fat, looking and acting like a slob. 

Then what if they would break up? What would be the consequences? What would he have to do to protect himself and his interests? What kind of life would he have and where were his dreams, his values?  He realized that he seriously had to put number one back into number one's place.  Anything else that happened... happened. Deal with it.    

Thinking of Susan, he knew at that time he couldn't deal with her. She was just too great of a question mark, a stumbling stone, and an unknown. He was best off setting their problems aside and dealing instead with matters and issues that he could deal with, adding her only into his plans where and when she could become a conflict or co-exists with his interests. 

For his first step into his new life, he visited his boss, and laid down an ultimatum. Until further notice he would not only be not working any overtime, he would only stay working at the Caterpillar shop on a part time basis of four days a week. If it would come to a divorce, then when it did, he'd be earning less. He'd be able later to increase his earnings, if and when he needed to. But, for the time being he was going to invest more free time in his own self and his own interests. 

His next step took him to the bank where he cashed in his 401k, and their savings account. He then went to a second bank and opened up a new checking account and savings account in his name alone. Their checking account he left open. Both he and she would use that account for living expenses and paying bills. But, all income of his would first go into his personal accounts to be processed from there. They only had one credit card, so he called them and arranged the one split into two accounts. One with only his name on it and the same limit they had before. The other was with both their names and a limit set at only $600. Cost it whatever it may, if and when she got her 50 percent from their assets, he couldn't stop her from taking any, but he would first see that he got as much mileage out of the money as possible, before.

When Susan pulled into their driveway a day later the first thing she saw was not his 8 year old Ford pickup, but rather a brand new silver gray, crew cab, short box Dodge Ram 3/4 ton with a Cummins diesel engine. First pulling up next to it in the driveway, she wondered who was visiting. 

The kids scurrying in around her yelled, "Hey dad, cool truck! Whose is it?" But, all they heard was hammering coming up from down in the basement. Dropping their bags, all three bolted into the kitchen and down the stairs leaving her standing alone in the living room wondering and confused. The temporary license taped on the back window of the pickup and the noise coming from downstairs, told stories. 

Dropping too her bag down in the living room, she walked in only to the dining room and sat down with a sigh, in her chair at the dining table. The noise below her abated and she waited. Cindy, their oldest, was the first to climb back up the stairs, "Mom, daddy's fixing up the basement. He says his going to put in a party room for us and another bedroom and bathroom. He's already got the walls up. Isn't that cool?" Tugging at her mother's hand, pulling her up out of her chair, "You should take a look. Come on mom, it's going to be really neat!" 

Downstairs she found Jonathan sitting on a pile of wallboard located in the new party room. The other two children were sitting on each side of him. He had his arms on the shoulders of Joey and Nancy talking and laughing with them. He had a sparkle in his eyes and a broad smile on his face.

Looking towards the doorway and her, he stopped talking in mid-sentence and the smile dropped from his face and his eyes turned cold. She blushed and dropped her eyes from him, turning to walk down the hall looking at the bathroom and the other two rooms being created. 

She jerked in shock at the words then spoken behind her, "That room can stay as storage and the other room with the bigger window can be..." They both stood staring forward towards the rooms, each acknowledging but unable to accept his unspoken words. "Jonathan, it doesn't have to be this way," she finally gasped in an almost whisper. 

Little Nancy slipped in between them and raised her arms up to her father. "Daddy, if Joey can, can I sleep down here with you too sometimes?" He pulled her up to him, rubbing the side of his face along hers and holding her tightly in his arms, breathing in the soapy fresh clean scent of her, to then give her a kiss on the cheek. "You sure can baby doll."

Continued in story: Between Two Lovers Pt.2 (between2.txt)    

  
