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## Replacing the Irreplaceable (M/f, M/m)

The following account refers to events that occurred a few weeks before my sixteenth birthday. I had finished school a month or so earlier and I had been preparing myself for the start of what I suppose could be referred to as the rest of my life. But such preparations were now more or less complete and so I was spending my last few days relaxing without too many cares in the world.

I was in London, staying with the family of my best friend William Connolly, who were all holidaying in London. It was a working holiday for Mr Connolly - he and his wife were very kind to me, they treated me also as if I was one of their own children and I had a great deal of affection for them and so I had been, quite often, making myself useful to Mr Connolly - doing some basic clerical work for him and things like that. I was hardly an expert on such matters but I wanted to be useful.

Let me explain the situation - it may be familiar to those who have read previous of my accounts, but it warrants reiteration.

The Connolly's were extremely wealthy - I don't just mean well off, I mean even the rich regarded them as rich. It was the Christmas holidays - winter in the United Kingdom of course, and we'd taken over two houses in London's Belgravia. These weren't large houses, but they weren't small either and that might give you some idea of the wealth involved.

Mr and Mrs Connolly occupied the larger of the two houses and their youngest children - Susan aged 12, and Terrence aged 10 - stayed with them in that house in the care of their governess, Miss Burke.

Us older children - Lucy, 19, William, 17, and myself and Amelia, both 15 years old - were staying in the second smaller house just around the corner. Lucy was in charge of us, but we were quite well supervised as well especially after Amelia and I disgraced ourselves sneaking off into London one evening and getting ourselves arrested in a stolen car. Unfortunately for us, Mr Connolly had recently purchased a cane and we both experiences it on that occasion - Amelia for the first time, myself for what I really did hope would the last time. I'd spent the two weeks - two and a bit weeks - since that incident doing my absolute best to stay out of trouble. The Connolly's were doing me a great favour and I wanted to be worthy of their trust. I suppose... it was time to grow up. I wasn't a schoolboy anymore.

So mid to late January just after lunch - and only a few days before we would all fly back to Australia. William was away again - part of the reason for the trip to England had been so that William could see Oxford. He'd decided he wanted to study there and was going to do a second Sixth Form year at school in preparation - he was going back to our old school. He'd seen Oxford a couple of weeks earlier, but he was away for a day or so having been offered a tour of Cambridge by a friend of his father who went there - I suppose he was exploring other options. Lucy had gone out for a walk with her... I hesitate to say boyfriend, because they hesitated to say that as well, but I suppose that is what he was, and that meant only Amelia and I were in the house. And I was trying to persuade Amelia to play yet another game of Monopoly with me - I loved Monopoly and being surrounded by the familiar street names that were on the board meant I was trying to get people to play it all the time. The others liked it as well, just not as obsessively as I did, and really it's not the most fun game with only two people so Amelia was resistant. Then the front door opened and I looked up assuming it would be Lucy who might be willing to play. But instead Miss Burke came into our front room, accompanied by Susan and Terrence.

"Good Afternoon, Miss Burke."

"Good Afternoon, Nathan, Amelia - where is Lucy?"

"She's gone out for a walk, Miss Burke - with Geoffrey."

"Oh, I see. That's a shame. I was hoping she'd watch the little ones." Susan rolled her eyes - she hated being referred to in that way. Terrence didn't seem to care yet, but Susan was about to go off to school and was feeling very grown up. "An old friend from school has asked me out to tea, and I was hoping to see her before we went back."

"I can watch them. Amelia and I, I mean." I was eager for any chance to show how responsible I could be at this point. And this was actually quite an easy task.

"Well... are you sure?"

"Oh come on, Burkie," Amelia spoke up. We're fifteen - we can handle a couple of little kids.

Miss Burke did not respond to Amelia, but just looked at me. "Nathan - you and Amelia did creep out..."

"Yes, I know, Miss Burke, and that was very irresponsible of us - but Miss Burke, I was Captain of my House for a year - and while I might have done something silly - well, I'd never ever be irresponsible with children in my care."

"Yes. Well, all right - you're in charge, Nathan - Lucy as well, when she gets back."

"What about me?" Amelia was indignant.

"Nathan is in charge - of you as well."

"I'm the same age as he is."

"Yes, but nowhere near as mature." And with that, Miss Burke turned and left.

"All right." I looked at the others. "Let's play Monopoly."

We'd just finished our second game by the time Lucy finally came back - and Amelia had seemed to stop holding me personally responsible for Miss Burke's statement when she sent me bankrupt for the second time. Lucy was surprised to see the younger children present.

"Hello! What's going on here?"

"Miss Burke had to go out to tea. I said we'd look after them."

"Miss Burke trusted you two with children?"

"Steady on! She said I was mature - and she only trusted me, not Amelia."

"You bas... rotter." Amelia slapped my arm hard, and in return I shoved her so she fell off the couch and landed heavily on her backside. Susan and Terrence found this very amusing, Amelia gave the "I'm surrounded by infants" sigh that we all knew and I decided to try and forestall one of her lectures that normally accompanied that sigh.

"I'm going to make a coffee, Lucy, do you want one?"

"Nathan, you're too young for coffee - you know that!" This was a bone of contention between us. Lucy took the view that she was old enough for coffee and had made the mistake of agreeing that William was old enough for coffee - and because I viewed myself as William's equal in every single way - being in the same form as him at school - indeed as House Captain, I was being quite generous as acknowledging him as an equal - I had decided I must be old enough for coffee as well. Lucy had tried to point out that I was still only fifteen no matter what my educational and social achievements - and if I'd been honest, I'd have agreed she had a point, but her attitude meant that I wasn't going to give an inch on this. And then Amelia - the same chronological age as me - had taken that as a reason that she should be allowed to drink coffee... well, to put it simply, coffee had become a symbol of a struggle between Lucy's right to tell us what to do because she was the adult in charge, and our view that she was actually just another kid. The thing is, most of the time in those struggles, she did win - because we knew she was in charge and we wouldn't resist her on anything really serious. But this was something we could fight her on. So we did.

In all honesty, I didn't much like coffee - I preferred cocoa - but there was a principle at stake.

"Oh, leave it out, Lucy. I'll drink coffee if I want to drink coffee." You know, if she'd ever just agreed that I had the right to drink coffee, I'd have had cocoa from then on - but she was never likely to.

"You're setting a bad example to the other children. I'm in charge, Nathan - what do you think it looks like if Susan and Terrence see you defying me?"

Now... that question actually got through to me. I'd held a position of authority over other kids all the previous year - even over some of them who were older than me - and, well, I had some sympathy for what Lucy had just said. She was right - asserting myself when William around or Amelia was one thing - undermining her in front of the youngest two wasn't on. Because, in the end, she was in charge. I reached for the cocoa and pulled four mugs out of the cupboard. Lucy smiled in triumph, then her smile faded as she looked at me.

"Better make it five, Nathan."

We played another game of Monopoly - it was a wonderful day for it. It was bitterly cold outside, a freezing cold rain and maybe even sleet was falling - and we were in a warm room drinking good cocoa and playing a game together. It was marvelous - until I went bankrupt for the third time in one afternoon.

"And you're helping Dad with the business?" Amelia crowed as she gathered up my cash. "Are we going to have enough money to fly home?"

"I have my postal order left," announced Terrence.

"Oh..." Lucy looked up. "That reminds me - I have a letter to post. What time is the last post, Nathan? Do I have time to finish the game?"

"I'm out - I'll post it for you." There was a proper London pillar box only a short walk away.

"Thanks. It's on the mantlepiece. But dress up warm."

"Yes, MOTHER!" I took the envelope off the mantlepiece. Just behind it was the cane - I couldn't help but see it. And I went outside. I was only going to be gone two minutes - I wasn't going to put on all my wet weather gear for that.

I walked down to the letter box and put the letter in it. As I turned around, it began to rain much more heavily - a cold biting rain - and I regretted not having put a coat on. I decided to run back to the house - and was almost there when I slipped on the footpath and fell to the ground. I wasn't hurt - but I was extremely wet and bedraggled looking as I reentered the house - and Lucy saw me.

"Nathan! I told you to dress up warm!"

"Yes, I know you did."

"March right upstairs and have a warm shower, this instant."

I bit back my reply. I was not going to undercut her in front of Susan and Terrence. And besides she was right. A hot shower sounded like a good idea

I headed up to my room and divested myself of my wet clothing. I looked at my shirt and realised I'd ripped it - and it was one of my new shirts. The Connolly's as rich as they were, were very strict with their children about looking after their clothes - and when I was in their care, that included me as well. I wouldn't be in that much trouble over a shirt - but it was certainly likely to get me in trouble. So I decided to hide the shirt for the moment in the hope that with all the packing we were going to be doing in a few days time, I could keep it concealed until we got back to Australia.

And so I went to the hiding place I had discovered in my room a few weeks earlier. When you're an orphan who gets farmed out every holidays to stay with somebody else's family - well, it pays to learn to hide things. And I got quite good at it over the years. And while I trusted the Connolly's absolutely, old habits died hard. And besides... I did have a few things to hide.

Every morning for the last couple of weeks I had spent an hour or so assisting Mr Connolly in his study. Mr Connolly started his day by reading every available newspaper - and to this end we had them all delivered. He read everything - from quality broadsheets to the tackiest tabloids. And part of my job was to clear them away afterwards.

And while doing so I'd discovered that one of the tabloids contained some rather interesting pictures. Semi-naked ladies. I was fifteen years old - so I grabbed a few of them - only a few. But the ones I liked the most. And I'd hidden these in the hiding place I'd found - a cavity in the wardrobe. And as I stuffed the shirt into the cavity I saw the rolled up newspaper - and I decided not to waste my daytime shower. I pulled one of the pictures out. I undressed completely and put on my dressing gown and slippers and hid the sheet of paper underneath the dressing gown - and then walked across to the bathroom.

As soon as I was in the room, I turned the water on, and looked around to try and work out how I could secure the picture. This was an old house, but it had had some renovations over the years and there was a slatted lattice wooden door covering a space where the water heater was located. I took off my dressing gown and slippers and walked over to this lattice door, and pushed the corners of the newspaper up into the fairly tight fitting lattice. In simple terms I fixed it to the wall opposite the bath - the room had a dual shower bath - where I would be able to see it from the bath.

Then I opened up the bathroom cabinet and I took out the jar of Vaseline that in there, and smeared some of it on my hand. I climbed into the bath, and leaned against the wall, and looked across at the lattice door with the beautiful image on it - and took my penis in my hand and began to slowly stroke back and forth.

I was nearly 16 - and I'd been masturbating for about a year and a half or so, I suppose. Most of the time, I did it as quickly as possible. But sometimes I tried to do it a little more slowly and that is what I was doing here. Backwards and forwards slowly, staring at that picture. Oblivious to anything else. Pressure building. Pleasure building. Getting closer.

Until there was loud bang to my right as the door crashed open. Quite a shock. I looked to my right and standing in the doorway was Lucy. She looked around the bathroom - and of course she saw what I was doing, which was quite a shock. But I got an even bigger shock, because she stepped across the room and to the lattice door and pulled it open.

And in the space - underneath the water heater - was Susan. Not even two yards in front of me - right in front of me. Lucy grabbed her and pulled her out, and out the door which she slammed shut behind her.

I lost all interest in what I'd been doing! I just washed myself off quickly, and dried myself, pulled on my dressing gown and ran across to my room, where I quickly pulled on some clothing. And I ran downstairs. Susan - 12 year old Susan was curled up on a couch crying with Amelia next to her, and Terrence was asking what was wrong. When I arrived in the room, Lucy looked at me, and then spoke to Amelia. "Amelia - take Terrence up to your room and go in there. Keep him in there. And don't you come out either until I tell you. Now."

Amelia didn't argue. She pulled Terrence away and upstairs. Lucy pointed at me - and pointed at the armchair. I sat down and she sat down next to me. We were both facing Susan. I didn't say anything. Neither did Lucy for a minute or so - and Susan just sat there crying. Finally Lucy spoke.

"I'm going to have to tell Mum and Dad. What were you thinking, Susan? Why did you do that?"

"I j-j-j-ust w-w-anted to s-see."

"You've seen Terrence - I think you might have even seen William when he was Nathan's age!"

"They're my brothers."

I spoke up. "Lucy - do we really have to tell? I mean... look, if you say she's seen William, it's not like she's seen anything she hasn't..."

"Come off it, Nathan - she saw something she hadn't seen before. She saw something I hadn't seen before!"

"You can't tell your parents that!"

"I have to."

"Oh, Jesus." Mr Connolly didn't worry me too much. Mrs Connolly - that was another matter entirely.

The phone rang. Lucy stood up and answered it.

"Hello? Oh, hi Dad... yes, they're here. Dad... I think you and Mum need to come over. There's a problem... No, nobody's hurt but... I don't think we should talk about it on the phone. Yes, Dad."

Lucy rang off and came back. "They'll be here in a minute."

"Can't we do anything to make this less..." I was embarrassed for myself, but I was also feeling very sorry for Susan. I didn't like what she'd done to me - but I didn't consider it to be that big a deal.

"No, we can't. There's some things we don't lie to our parents about, Nathan - and you've got to go along with that."

"All right."

The door opened and Mr and Mrs Connolly came in. They saw Susan lying curled up on the chair crying and Lucy and I standing there. Mrs Connolly spoke first?

"Are Terrence and Amelia all right?"

"Yes, Mum - I just didn't think they should hear this - especially not Terrence."

"Hear what?" Mr Connolly had sat down on the arm of the chair next to his youngest daughter and was stroking her arm, but he was obviously preparing himself for the news of what she'd done.

Lucy looked at me and seeing I wasn't going to answer, did what she had to do. "Nathan was having a shower. Susan decided to spy on him."

"I see." Mr Connolly's voice was stern.

"That's not all Dad... Nathan was... playing with himself. Susan saw that as well."

"I see." Mr Connolly's voice was now far more stern. "Nathan... how much did she see?"

I looked at Mrs Connolly, not sure I wanted to answer. Her expression was neutral and then she smiled at me slightly. "Go on, Nathan."

"Quite a lot, Sir."

"What do you mean by quite a lot?"

I was cringing - and any sympathy I had for Susan vanished. "Sir, I was... doing it slowly Sir, and she was right in front of me, and she... well, Sir, she saw almost everything." I decided I couldn't possibly be any more embarrassed. "Another ten seconds and she would have seen everything."

"She was right in front of you?" Now, his voice was getting angry and I realised he was jumping to a conclusion I didn't want him jumping too.

"Yes, Sir - but I can explain, Sir - if you come up to the bathroom, Sir..." We walked up the stairs, Mrs Connolly just behind us - obviously she wanted an explanation first. Mr Connolly entered the bathroom first - just as I realised in my rush to dress I'd left my picture on the door. The door was open at the moment, so the image couldn't be seen - but when it was closed it would be very visible.

"She was in the cavity - the light means you can't see in there from outside, but looking through the cracks into the lighted room..."

"Yes, I see." Mr Connolly looked around the door - and I knew he could see the picture. But when he closed the door, so his wife could see its front, the image was gone.

We went back downstairs to where Susan was still sitting down waiting. "Go and use the toilet, Susan."

She got up and fled the room - and Mr Connolly walked over to the mantelpiece and picked up the cane that was there. It was a little shorter than the canes used at school - two and a half feet long, maybe a little less rather than three feet, but it had the traditional crooked handle and I knew from experiences that it hurt enough. He stood there flexing it.

His wife spoke. "She's only 12..."

"If she's old enough to be doing things like this, she is old enough for the cane. Nathan, how old were you when you got your first caning?"

"Ten sir."

"And your first flogging?"

"Eleven."

"That's what I thought."

Susan came back into the room - and she fell to her knees.

"P...p...lease, D...d...addy. I'll n...n...n...ever do it again!"

"Get up, Susan. Please don't make this any harder than it has to be. Nathan - could you move the armchair into the centre of the room. Then stand over there."

I did as I was told. Lucy and Mrs Connolly helped Susan up and took her to the armchair. I'd been told to stand behind the chair - a few yards behind it. And I realised I was in a very similar position to that I had been in when I'd seen William flogged at school, and Amelia flogged in this room. And I was going to witness this as well. Pure justice in this case, I suppose.

Justice enough that Susan didn't complain - although maybe she was still young enough that she didn't really care.

"Susan," Mr Connolly spoke. "I am going to cane you for spying on Nathan while he was showering. You're not being punished any more severely because you saw him playing with himself, because that was not your fault. And - it's something that's entirely normal for a boy to do, it's not dirty or anything. But you can't go around spying on other people like that. Now bend over the back of the chair.

She had to stand on her tip toes to do it. As soon as she was in position, her mother lifted her skirt out of the way, and I could see her knickers - pale blue with little yellow flowers. Her mother pulled them down to her knees and I was looking at a very small, very white bottom. It looked no different from the bottom of any twelve year old boys I had seen.

Her mother then moved around in front of her and placed her hands on her shoulders to hold her down. And Mr Connolly laid the cane across the centre of her bottom, brought it back and slashed it down. Not particularly hard - nowhere near as hard as he had caned Amelia a couple of weeks earlier - but enough to hurt certainly. And he brought the cane back immediately and straight back down. Four strokes, very fast, covering all of that tiny bottom - and then two more, softer, but still most definitely painful, on the upper part of her legs. Then he tucked the cane under his arm, bent down and pulled up her underpants, as her mother released her shoulders. Her hands fled around to her bottom, and her father wrapped his other arm - the one without a cane under it around her and held her close for a minute before letting her go into her mothers arms.

"Take her home. Lucy, can you go and get Terrence - tell Amelia to stay upstairs please."

Terrence and Susan were taken off my their mother - Terrence still trying to find out why Susan was in so much trouble. Lucy was sent upstairs to her room, and I was left with Mr Connolly - he pulled a crumpled up sheet of newspaper out of his pocket.

"This is not acceptable, Nathan."

"No, Sir."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"Yes, Sir. I know it's unacceptable, Sir." There was silence. "I could say I'm sorry, Sir... but would that mean anything?"

"That's up to you."

"I'm sorry, Sir."

"I'm glad. Nathan... I know you're an adolescent boy. I know how powerful hormones are. What you did up there - you do know that is entirely normal, don't you?"

"Yes, Sir."

"It's something boys do - because well it has to come out somehow and you're too young for any of the other ways."

"I know, Sir."

"Look, Nathan - that's normal. But pictures like this... they're offensive. They promote bad attitudes. And there's no necessity for them."

"Yes, Sir."

"I suppose the question is... do I need to cane you? Do you understand this without me needing to cane you? Because I will punish you if I need to - but you're not a schoolboy anymore, and I think you're old enough to decide - on something like this at least where the only harm you could do is to yourself - whether I need to cane you. Or have you already got the message. Think about it before you answer."

I thought about it for a long while. Minutes. And he just stood there as I thought.

I feared the cane. Nearly six years after the first time I felt it, I still feared it. And I was being offered a choice as to whether to be caned or not. Such a simple choice, with only one answer.

"Sir, I have got the message. But, if you please, I still need the cane."

With the first sentence, he'd looked relieved. Definitely relieved. With the second, he looked shocked and reluctant - this was obviously something he really did not want to do.

"Undo your trousers, and get them down." I stepped up to the armchair and complied. "And your underpants." I did so. "Bend over."

I bent over the armchair and I braced myself for the pain. It was six hard strokes. Not as hard as the hardest I'd had, but hard enough for all effective purpose.

And then there was a seventh stroke. Hardest of all.

"Stand up."

I slowly did so, the tears pouring down my cheeks. Without being bid, I pulled up my underpants and my trousers and did up all the attachments. And then when I had finished, I found myself enveloped in a hug.

"Nathan Rysher. There's something I have to say to you because someone has to say it to you now, before you're too grown up. You're a boy for a father to be proud of - and your father would have been so proud of you. And, God, I am as well."

Before I was too grown up? When I heard those words, I was as young as I've ever been.

I lost my parents at the age of nine. And though that was the greatest tragedy that ever befell me, it was also at the root of the greatest gift I ever received. The gift of a score or more people who made it their business during my childhood and adolescence to do whatever they could to do as much as they could to make up for that irreplaceable loss.

No matter how much it hurt.

Me or them.

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